am i really crazy?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
am i really crazy?
the last few days i've had the voice of my xabf screaming in my head that i am crazy and that he doesn't have a problem. this has made me second-guess myself and wonder if there is truth in what he says. so i ask you all, have i completely overreacted to his drinking? is that sinking feeling that i get in the pit of my stomach just plain nonsense? is that feeling of despair unfounded?
he began drinking in his early twenties (is now 32), was married to an alcoholic who went through rehab during their marriage, and was subsequently asked by the counselors if he was ready to give rehab a go. he denied that he had a problem, blaming his drinking on his unhappiness in italy, where he was living at the time. fast forward to our relationship in which he regularly (m-f) goes to the bar after work and has anywhere from one to two singles, and often doubles, of rum and coke before having the same at home. last april, he admitted himself to the hospital for inpatient detox, after spending weeks drinking 1.75L bottles of straight rum over two day periods, while still going to the bar, and even drinking before work (his boss, and drinking buddy, actually bought a breathalyzer so that he could test him and send him home if needed). he went to almost four months of aa, before deciding that he didn't have a problem and beginning to drink again (he hid this from me for a week...ol' bottle under the bed trick). we broke up for four months, he begged, pleaded, and cut back until i came back, then began in with his old habits. he began drinking straight from the bottle so that i wouldn't see any glasses on the counter, lied about this fact on more than one occasion, apologized every time he brought a new bottle home, and even asked permission to have a drink (i always told him that he was free to do as he pleases, and he needed to stop asking me). he still goes to the bar daily, and has been stone cold drunk every day since we broke up a couple of weeks ago. he has periods (like a couple of days) where he doesn't drink, or drinks very little (in hawaii, he limited himself to two drinks a day, saying he didn't want to be hungover because we had "things to do.") so he thinks he is controlling it, but then he will down a bottle in two days and end a week having finished three bottles at home, in addition to all of the bar drinks.
so...am i crazy?!?
he began drinking in his early twenties (is now 32), was married to an alcoholic who went through rehab during their marriage, and was subsequently asked by the counselors if he was ready to give rehab a go. he denied that he had a problem, blaming his drinking on his unhappiness in italy, where he was living at the time. fast forward to our relationship in which he regularly (m-f) goes to the bar after work and has anywhere from one to two singles, and often doubles, of rum and coke before having the same at home. last april, he admitted himself to the hospital for inpatient detox, after spending weeks drinking 1.75L bottles of straight rum over two day periods, while still going to the bar, and even drinking before work (his boss, and drinking buddy, actually bought a breathalyzer so that he could test him and send him home if needed). he went to almost four months of aa, before deciding that he didn't have a problem and beginning to drink again (he hid this from me for a week...ol' bottle under the bed trick). we broke up for four months, he begged, pleaded, and cut back until i came back, then began in with his old habits. he began drinking straight from the bottle so that i wouldn't see any glasses on the counter, lied about this fact on more than one occasion, apologized every time he brought a new bottle home, and even asked permission to have a drink (i always told him that he was free to do as he pleases, and he needed to stop asking me). he still goes to the bar daily, and has been stone cold drunk every day since we broke up a couple of weeks ago. he has periods (like a couple of days) where he doesn't drink, or drinks very little (in hawaii, he limited himself to two drinks a day, saying he didn't want to be hungover because we had "things to do.") so he thinks he is controlling it, but then he will down a bottle in two days and end a week having finished three bottles at home, in addition to all of the bar drinks.
so...am i crazy?!?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Whether or not you are crazy, it sounds to me like he has a drinking problem.
Of course he would scream at you that you are crazy, because you have been trying to have a normal relationship with him and that puts a lot of pressure on them, so screaming at you that you are crazy is how he defends himself. They are immature and do not know how to cope or handle mature relationships. They deal with others in very sick and unproductive ways. They hurt you on purpose and point their finger at you because SOMEBODY has to take the blame for the problems in the relationship, and in their minds it CAN'T be them and it CAN'T be the alcohol or drug use. It is a highly protective and defensive disease. Trying to relate to someone who has the disease is crazymaking.
Are you normally what you would call "crazy" in other areas of your life? Did the ways you would react to him appear crazy, such as losing your temper and yelling and screaming at him? I know I have done those things in the past, which made me look like "the crazy one."
Of course he would scream at you that you are crazy, because you have been trying to have a normal relationship with him and that puts a lot of pressure on them, so screaming at you that you are crazy is how he defends himself. They are immature and do not know how to cope or handle mature relationships. They deal with others in very sick and unproductive ways. They hurt you on purpose and point their finger at you because SOMEBODY has to take the blame for the problems in the relationship, and in their minds it CAN'T be them and it CAN'T be the alcohol or drug use. It is a highly protective and defensive disease. Trying to relate to someone who has the disease is crazymaking.
Are you normally what you would call "crazy" in other areas of your life? Did the ways you would react to him appear crazy, such as losing your temper and yelling and screaming at him? I know I have done those things in the past, which made me look like "the crazy one."
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
No, not crazy.
But the ride (loving relationship that includes alcohol) left me a bit scatter-brained. I doubted myself constantly. No wonder I doubted myself when I was constantly being minimized and lied to my someone who professed to *love* me.
Alanon helped me to regain my self confidence. I learned that I could make healthy decisions for myself.
I also picked up a great book to help with my self-esteem: "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay.
to repeat:
No, not crazy!
But the ride (loving relationship that includes alcohol) left me a bit scatter-brained. I doubted myself constantly. No wonder I doubted myself when I was constantly being minimized and lied to my someone who professed to *love* me.
Alanon helped me to regain my self confidence. I learned that I could make healthy decisions for myself.
I also picked up a great book to help with my self-esteem: "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay.
to repeat:
No, not crazy!
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
read it back.
if a friend described this was happening would you call them crazy?
and even if this behaviour didn't fit my definition of an alcoholic (which it does, but that's largely irrelevant), if you feel unhappy living with someone who drinks like this that is entirely valid.
there are religions with millions of followers who feel that living with someone who has any alcohol pass their lips is something they are unhappy with, and that is entirely valid.
and there are people who are not happy and comfortable living with teatotallers, and that is entirely valid too.
we get to decide and define what we are willing and happy to have in our environment: that doesn't make us crazy.
if a friend described this was happening would you call them crazy?
and even if this behaviour didn't fit my definition of an alcoholic (which it does, but that's largely irrelevant), if you feel unhappy living with someone who drinks like this that is entirely valid.
there are religions with millions of followers who feel that living with someone who has any alcohol pass their lips is something they are unhappy with, and that is entirely valid.
and there are people who are not happy and comfortable living with teatotallers, and that is entirely valid too.
we get to decide and define what we are willing and happy to have in our environment: that doesn't make us crazy.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 344
I agree with JenT -- it is perfectly sane to choose what is right and acceptable to YOU.
Please don't even listen to those "you're crazy" rants. That is the oldest and easiest trick in the book that drinkers use to deflect the focus from their own behavior (alcohol abuse)... so they can keep drinking.
Please don't even listen to those "you're crazy" rants. That is the oldest and easiest trick in the book that drinkers use to deflect the focus from their own behavior (alcohol abuse)... so they can keep drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
From the DSM--the manual used by the American Psychiatric Association--the signs and symptoms of addiction include:
--withdrawal symptoms
--tolerance
--using more of a substance than intended
--unsuccessful attempts to control use
--much time spent in obtaining, using, or recovering from the effects of use
--use despite adverse consequences
Since drinking is ingrained in American culture, when someone suspects a partner of being an alcoholic, that person is often criticized by the drinker as being too conservative and too judgmental. It is common to doubt oneself about what seems apparently to be addiction in another person, and it is common to be the target of outrage if addiction is suggested to that person. In fact, ask any doctor who has tried to do so to a patient with a suspected addiction to alcohol or narcotics.
So it is useful to look at the criteria with your head and to especially listen to your body. If you feel shakiness, nausea, anxiety, fear, or depression directly related to someone else's drinking, then with or without a medical diagnosis about that person's drinking habits, you must face the reality that you cannot be in relationship with someone whose behavior regularly makes you sick.
Alcoholics are desperate and will defend the drinking by masterful psychological manipulations which can indeed make you think you are the one with the problem.
The alcoholic needs to break you in order to move you out of the way, and one successful method is to make you think you are unstable, insecure, and--this one always hurts--boring. The message is that you're just not as much fun as those people at the bar who know how to have a good time. This is devastating to one's self-esteem.
So it is a gift that today he is your ex.
--withdrawal symptoms
--tolerance
--using more of a substance than intended
--unsuccessful attempts to control use
--much time spent in obtaining, using, or recovering from the effects of use
--use despite adverse consequences
Since drinking is ingrained in American culture, when someone suspects a partner of being an alcoholic, that person is often criticized by the drinker as being too conservative and too judgmental. It is common to doubt oneself about what seems apparently to be addiction in another person, and it is common to be the target of outrage if addiction is suggested to that person. In fact, ask any doctor who has tried to do so to a patient with a suspected addiction to alcohol or narcotics.
So it is useful to look at the criteria with your head and to especially listen to your body. If you feel shakiness, nausea, anxiety, fear, or depression directly related to someone else's drinking, then with or without a medical diagnosis about that person's drinking habits, you must face the reality that you cannot be in relationship with someone whose behavior regularly makes you sick.
Alcoholics are desperate and will defend the drinking by masterful psychological manipulations which can indeed make you think you are the one with the problem.
The alcoholic needs to break you in order to move you out of the way, and one successful method is to make you think you are unstable, insecure, and--this one always hurts--boring. The message is that you're just not as much fun as those people at the bar who know how to have a good time. This is devastating to one's self-esteem.
So it is a gift that today he is your ex.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
the last few days i've had the voice of my xabf screaming in my head that i am crazy and that he doesn't have a problem. this has made me second-guess myself and wonder if there is truth in what he says. so i ask you all, have i completely overreacted to his drinking? is that sinking feeling that i get in the pit of my stomach just plain nonsense? is that feeling of despair unfounded?
It's hard to take in at first, but what you are experiencing is the same thing we have all experienced. No, really. You. Are. Not. Alone. AND you are not crazy.
It's easier to believe we are crazy than to believe the truth--that we have been manipulated. Controlled. We all have been. By the people we thought we loved.
Pelican laid it out succinctly and honestly:
No, not crazy. But the ride (loving relationship that includes alcohol) left me a bit scatter-brained. I doubted myself constantly. No wonder I doubted myself when I was constantly being minimized and lied to my someone who professed to *love* me.
Discovering the truth, and taking back your power.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Pelican 
No, not crazy.
But the ride (loving relationship that includes alcohol) left me a bit scatter-brained. I doubted myself constantly. No wonder I doubted myself when I was constantly being minimized and lied to my someone who professed to *love* me.
But the ride (loving relationship that includes alcohol) left me a bit scatter-brained. I doubted myself constantly. No wonder I doubted myself when I was constantly being minimized and lied to my someone who professed to *love* me.
My vote = NOT Crazy.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You know what I decided in the middle of it all? When he was telling me I was crazy, uptight, narrow-minded?
That it really didn't matter. That if I was crazy, I'd still be much happier being crazy on my own than being with his high and mighty self telling me I was crazy.
Or, in other words -- whether or not his drinking is out of control, despicable, and destructive, for you, it was not a healthy situation.
That it really didn't matter. That if I was crazy, I'd still be much happier being crazy on my own than being with his high and mighty self telling me I was crazy.
Or, in other words -- whether or not his drinking is out of control, despicable, and destructive, for you, it was not a healthy situation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
thanks, everyone. i have a psychotherapist friend with whom i've been texting a lot lately, and she referred to what he's said as "the beat down." i love that phrase because that's EXACTLY what it feels like!
l2l, yeah...i've gone into total defense mode before and lost my cool, but never to the magnitude that he would take it. as a teacher, i generally try to find ways to resolve confict without getting into it with someone else. i don't always succeed, but at least i TRY to remain calm and rational. his name calling has been more specific to the fact that i have a problem with the amount he drinks, though, and not really about my behavior.
pelican, thanks for the book recommendation! i'm glad that i love reading (a trait xabf found incredibly boring), because i have a LONG list of titles that have recently been added to my "to be read" list.
jen, wouldn't say my friend was crazy, but i'd definitely tell her to run!
sam, thank you for that reminder! he's mastered this trick, that's for damn sure!
english, WOW. thank you!
transform, it really helps knowing i'm not alone. i can talk to friends and family, but none of them have ever lived this so, while they mean well and offer tons of support, they just don't always know what to say. and thanks for what you said about the picture. it's actually my grandma, though. i've been told that i look a lot like her, which is a compliment i will take ANY day of the week. what a beautiful woman!
fire and nef, your votes have been entered and are greatly appreciated!
i'm grateful to you all for helping me shed these thoughts, at least for today. it truly doesn't matter whether he's an alcoholic, or not. i don't ever want to have to wonder, and i certainly don't want to have to live my life feeling chained down and disappointed by the actions of others.
l2l, yeah...i've gone into total defense mode before and lost my cool, but never to the magnitude that he would take it. as a teacher, i generally try to find ways to resolve confict without getting into it with someone else. i don't always succeed, but at least i TRY to remain calm and rational. his name calling has been more specific to the fact that i have a problem with the amount he drinks, though, and not really about my behavior.
pelican, thanks for the book recommendation! i'm glad that i love reading (a trait xabf found incredibly boring), because i have a LONG list of titles that have recently been added to my "to be read" list.
jen, wouldn't say my friend was crazy, but i'd definitely tell her to run!
sam, thank you for that reminder! he's mastered this trick, that's for damn sure!
english, WOW. thank you!
transform, it really helps knowing i'm not alone. i can talk to friends and family, but none of them have ever lived this so, while they mean well and offer tons of support, they just don't always know what to say. and thanks for what you said about the picture. it's actually my grandma, though. i've been told that i look a lot like her, which is a compliment i will take ANY day of the week. what a beautiful woman!
fire and nef, your votes have been entered and are greatly appreciated!
i'm grateful to you all for helping me shed these thoughts, at least for today. it truly doesn't matter whether he's an alcoholic, or not. i don't ever want to have to wonder, and i certainly don't want to have to live my life feeling chained down and disappointed by the actions of others.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
There is a line in a Waylon Jennings song that I always fall back on:
"I've always been crazy but it's kept me from going insane."
That's me, rofl
Living with, dating, having as a family member, an A can make us go from crazy to insane, if we stay. When we find the way to leave, go no contact, just back off, I/we return to crazy and WALKING TO OUR OWN DRUMMER.
Today I like being crazy, lmao People ask me:
"why do you have 4 large dogs, after all you're 67 isn't it time to downsize?"
I answer:
"Nope I just upsized, lol and I love having them, they keep me active!"
Those folks will shake their heads and walk away.
I truly walk to a different drummer, and if that makes folks think I am crazier,
oh well. Other people's opinions of me are none of my business.
As long as I know in my heart and IN MY GUT that I have done the next correct thing for my life than I am good. And yes, I trust my GUT a lot more than I trust my heart.
(((((shawty80)))))
You are far from crazy. You recognized there was a BIG problem and it was affecting you and you took the steps necessary to get yourself out and take care of you.
You are probably saner than most of the people you know!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
"I've always been crazy but it's kept me from going insane."
That's me, rofl
Living with, dating, having as a family member, an A can make us go from crazy to insane, if we stay. When we find the way to leave, go no contact, just back off, I/we return to crazy and WALKING TO OUR OWN DRUMMER.
Today I like being crazy, lmao People ask me:
"why do you have 4 large dogs, after all you're 67 isn't it time to downsize?"
I answer:
"Nope I just upsized, lol and I love having them, they keep me active!"
Those folks will shake their heads and walk away.
I truly walk to a different drummer, and if that makes folks think I am crazier,
oh well. Other people's opinions of me are none of my business.
As long as I know in my heart and IN MY GUT that I have done the next correct thing for my life than I am good. And yes, I trust my GUT a lot more than I trust my heart.
(((((shawty80)))))
You are far from crazy. You recognized there was a BIG problem and it was affecting you and you took the steps necessary to get yourself out and take care of you.
You are probably saner than most of the people you know!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
If you are crazy, I am too because I always relate to your posts so much!
I know there are many, many times I questioned if I was mistaken, taking things too seriously, being too uptight, being paranoid. Etc. etc. Even when my nearly falling down drunk-arse XABF was ranting at me about cheating on him, calling me names and drop-kicked my stuff out his door, when I know I had done NOTHING wrong, I still found myself wondering what I did wrong!
I know there are many, many times I questioned if I was mistaken, taking things too seriously, being too uptight, being paranoid. Etc. etc. Even when my nearly falling down drunk-arse XABF was ranting at me about cheating on him, calling me names and drop-kicked my stuff out his door, when I know I had done NOTHING wrong, I still found myself wondering what I did wrong!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: california
Posts: 103
Must be something in the air this week because I have been having similar moments of self doubt. As my friend tells me, there is good crazy and bad crazy, I don't think you are crazy, but I like thinking if I have a touch of crazy its the good kind. Not a disease induced crazy...
i posted about my own weirdness the other day....must be the moon or stars.
Everyone posting is right in what they say....I find that removing myself from the conversation helped me not get to the point my head started tripping.
My AH tells me if everything was good and he didn't drink I would still find something to be upset with him about...I say to him PROVE IT.
i posted about my own weirdness the other day....must be the moon or stars.
Everyone posting is right in what they say....I find that removing myself from the conversation helped me not get to the point my head started tripping.
My AH tells me if everything was good and he didn't drink I would still find something to be upset with him about...I say to him PROVE IT.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
When I split from my ex, what helped to wake me up was a pamphlet from Al-Anon called The Merry Go Round of Denial. THere was another one a little later that helped to, but reading about myself and the alcoholic opened my eyes. It helped me to realize I was not nuts though.
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