OT Last weekend..
 

I went out with new "friends" - no, contacts - in the "industry"

I did have fun and drank a lot without guilt, I seldom even get out at all. I never felt out of control though and I ate stuff or drank water in between the drinks.

I did notice a few things though :

-a pregnant woman, one of the friends, 7 months, in a bar at 10 pm

-this super succesful designer? drunk as hell and drugged zig zagging, I did not like to see him like that, it was a sad sight.

-these "contacts" and their friends ended up kissing each other, men and women indistinctively... they invited me in in their little "kissing orgy". I said No.

-I got hit on several times in the last bar we attended (bar-hopping), feeling "oh I still got it" as internally I feel ANCIENT eventhough I am 30. Then I remembered the drunken stares of the "gentlemen" in question and felt pathetic for thinking it was even remotely "flattering" to have their attention

-A friend of one friend told me "he was interested", seemed like a nice guy... we were chatting then we were left alone in the kitchen (the "afterparty" at a house at 5 AM).. he asked me for a kiss... I said "No". We exchanged numbers and he has not called triggering of course the abandonment issues but I realized I have a LONG way to go in terms of relationships with males and am letting it go

Felt pretty proud to be less doormatly as before, I would have done whatever the others wanted just to feel some contact with the Human Race. When I was preparing to get home I realized if there is any humanity near me it is within, that seemingly confident people are in reality more desperate for love than I am. And that I probably saw the tip of the iceberg.. it made me remember how pathetic that lifestyle truly is.. and to think I thought my XABF was "having the time of his life".... at this point I see nothing but self destruction.