Separated 2 Months, AW is Wasted as Ever

Old 07-10-2012, 08:35 PM
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Lord Have Mercy
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Separated 2 Months, AW is Wasted as Ever


We all hear a lot of different stories and scenarios on this board. Usually when people separate from their A's, two things happen: 1) Codie finds relief and freedom; and 2) Alcoholic starts doing things for themselves and maybe even starts getting better.

That's not what's happening with me.

My story stretches over 17 years. The most dramatic was 2008 when drunk AW fell down our basement stairs and cracked an artery in her brain, got saved by brain surgery, fought through severe liver disease, and recovered 100%!! Can you imagine? And then she put in 2 1/2 years sober, the most amazing years of our life.


1. She fell off the wagon in 2010 and returned to daily drinking.
2. She started trading "I love you" text messages with several men.
3. Marriage fell apart due to unfaithfulness, I filed for divorce, and she moved out.
4. She got sober and I took her back.
5. Fell off the wagon a month later.
6. Changed divorce to legal separation.
7. Ended up sharing ownership of house 50/50 in order to "get the deal done".
8. Legally separated but still lived together for 5 months.
9. AW as drunk as ever so I moved out 5/1/2012.

...and here's the punchline -- AW drinks as much as ever, is as "blanked up" as ever, is getting crazy in the head, is taking up with a whole batch of new unemployed losers (including one that practically lives there), and basically is unable to function as a normal person.

She's going down the you-know-what.

My feelings about this: SAD, VERY SAD

I could honesty just fret and cry about it all day and all night. I love this woman. She's a mess. It's like watching a loved one get eaten by a wild animal -- it's a COMPLETE AND TOTAL NIGHTMARE.

To be honest, I was completely intoxicated with freedom when I moved out. It was amazing and savored every precious wonderful feeling -- the kind of feeling you might have if someone untied a millstone from around your neck. I felt light as a feather, I was honestly giddy for about 1-2 weeks.

But that wore off.

I have been slowly and methodically backing away from AW. Getting more space, moving slowly, avoiding the conflict that would kill a Mega People Pleaser like me. I hate conflict. I want everyone to be happy, no matter who they are, no matter what the circumstance. So backing away from AW has been like pulling off a Band-Aid in super slow motion.

But I did it, I'm glad I did it, I am DELIGHTED to be legally and financially free from her despite the shockingly high cost which included all my cash, retirement, rental property, 50% of a house, and $3,000 per month payments for the next 64 months.

I am living in a one bedroom apartment. It is indeed my sanctuary.

But I am truly grieving for AW and the reason I am making this post, is just to tell another story about what happens sometimes. Every case is different. Every one is heartbreaking. I love her. I have always loved her. So there is only so much I can do to protect myself -- if she crashes and burns, it's still going to hurt really, really bad.

All I can say is, Lord Help Me, and Lord Have Mercy.

Thanks for listening...
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Old 07-10-2012, 08:53 PM
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wow! what a powerful post. thank you for sharing. sending you a big hug!

misty <3
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Old 07-10-2012, 08:55 PM
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I am sorry for your pain and I understand that even though your free you still love her! I feel much like this myself but I also know that I can't save him so save myself. Horrible sad!
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Old 07-10-2012, 09:50 PM
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God bless you.

You cannot change that rewired, biologically, permanently altered brain which controls your wife today. You cannot reach in and remove all those new receptors and you cannot make her higher brain, that makes good decisions, take back control from her lower-- and unconscious--brain that operates purely on animal instinct absent of moral influence. Her lower brain controls her now. And it will not listen to you nor does it care about your love. It demands you step aside. Which you have.

You are right to remove yourself, given your powerlessness. You offered everything you could toward her recovery. But you could not direct her recovery, which began in 2008. Only she could. Only she could take responsibility for the profound lifelong work involved in that recovery.

Something went wrong. You cannot understand what went wrong, but it did and it had nothing to do with you. Something went wrong and she relapsed and she is right back in active and severe addiction and again she has lost choice. She may want to stop, but she's active and sick right now and today she can't stop-- she is driven to drink. Brain damaged, spiritually damaged. Her lower brain has again taken over, and when this happens, she has lost the ability to stop even if she wants to stop.

So it will take another crisis, which acts as an intervention, to level her, send her to seek medical help, get her back into recovery. That crisis may happen and it may not. But by removing yourself from the home and the marriage, you increase the chances that it will. You--Major People Pleaser--thus stop getting in the way of consequences. And alcoholics need hard hard consequences to make their lives so catastrophic that they find themselves code blue in the ER, or out of the house living on the street, or fired from the job they could not imagine ever losing-- leaving absolutely no other option but to drag themselves back to the rooms of recovery where, desperate and half-dead, they will find help.

She will choose the people in her life today who feed the drinking life. They will not be friends. They will be other alcoholics or deeply sick codependents and not one of them will be her friend.

You are in the right place, there in your sanctuary. She is still alive today so there is still hope for her.

And as for you: you planted the flag of hope the minute you walked out of that marriage and out of that house. You will be all right. You have been given the gift of life in a remarkably beautiful world, and it is time you stopped suffering and started living.
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Old 07-10-2012, 09:57 PM
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Thank you for sharing. I just wanted you to know that I listened to every word, I am so sorry for this pain in your life, I care, and no matter what happens, you will get through it.

Love and Light

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Old 07-11-2012, 02:37 PM
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Lord Have Mercy
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Thank you for your comments. It really feels good to let this out. I heard once there are only 4 real emotions: mad, sad, glad, and scared.

I'm sad -- yet I am encouraged by your words -- you're right, she's still alive, I am in a better, more flexible place, and life is better than it was a year ago.

God bless...
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Old 07-11-2012, 02:48 PM
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I watched a woman spiral out of control like this, right before my very eyes, over the course of about 25 years. I had known her most of my life and she was a VERY close friend of our family. She is about 70 now. I still can't get over the fact that she only had one tooth in her head the last time I saw her.

djayr, I am glad you have gotten away from your A spouse. I am sorry that there was and is nothing you can or could do to help stop the progression of this disease.
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Old 07-11-2012, 02:52 PM
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I'm so glad to hear you got out. I remember reading your posts in the fall.

I know that giddy-euphoric, "I'm free" feeling. I felt it too briefly... and then I remember feeling guilty for being happy about being free. Lots of emotions to feel... but I'm grateful to be in a safe place to feel them.

I too continue to love my XAH. I pray for him and am sad for his disease... but I'm grateful for having given up my front row seat.

Thanks for the update!
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Old 07-11-2012, 03:08 PM
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I have a similar story but have now been divorced for 5 years and it is good. The serenity prayer at some point kicked in for me- changing the things I could change- me- and I started getting the wisdom to know the difference. Some "A's" die. It is just a hard fact. I want to live and be happy. I deserved to be happy. I gave the X to his higher power. I heard recently he was forced into detox, didn't drink for two weeks, and is back at it. His organs are shutting down. He has gout. He is losing his house where I lived with him. The day I went no contact I started getting better. The divorce though very difficult was a piece of paper. My preacher said "do not be yoked to a non-believer- or a drunkard." " Let go or be dragged-" a Zen quote.
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Old 07-11-2012, 04:59 PM
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To those of you being dragged because you won't let go...

Read this:

Originally Posted by djayr View Post
But I did it, I'm glad I did it, I am DELIGHTED to be legally and financially free from her despite the shockingly high cost which included all my cash, retirement, rental property, 50% of a house, and $3,000 per month payments for the next 64 months.

I am living in a one bedroom apartment. It is indeed my sanctuary.
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Old 07-11-2012, 06:22 PM
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So heartbreaking. I so wish this story would have had a different ending. I wish that love truly could conquer all. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. Big hugs.
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Old 07-11-2012, 07:04 PM
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It sucks! Just sucks! BUT you are NOT alone and aren't the 1st person to go through it. Will keep you in my prayers.
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Old 07-11-2012, 07:58 PM
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I'm headed down a similar path, though not as far along yet. AW has been drinking on and off for several years. After a bad episode last Fall, she almost seemed ready to try and quit. She got religion, got involved in a church, watches Joyce Myers every day.

After eight months of apparent sobriety, she's back in the bottle. She claims it's her medicine, but we can tell.

Just goes to show the power this disease has over people. Sorry for your pain, and glad you have found peace. Good luck and happiness in your new life.
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