FifiRhubarb

I read all these posts about people who have left alcoholics, and while I'm sure I am not the only one who doesn't WANT to lose my loved one, I feel so much weaker than everyone else. The lists people have given of cons of being with their alcoholic...they are so long, so awful, and mine is just not. I am sure part of that is I'm focusing on the good, but I also just have no anger toward him. He has been a crappy boyfriend in terms of attentiveness and availability. I have never been sure how much of that is his attachment problems. He blew up at me last week, which led me here. But for the most part, I feel like the effects on me are not so intense. So how do I convince myself to cut ties? I don't want to, but everyone is telling me I have to.

LaTeeDa

I would venture a bet that every single one of us wanted to stay at some point. We wanted to work it out, we wanted the alcoholic to get better. Not once have I ever seen anyone post on this forum that they wanted to leave, wanted a divorce, wanted to ditch the alcoholic.

Nobody starts at that point. It usually takes a lot of pain, suffering, and hurt to get there. And it nearly always comes to that. Each person has their own threshold of pain and there is nothing any one of us can say that will get you to yours quicker. When the pain of staying outweighs the fear of leaving is when we leave. It took me 20 years to get there. I sincerely hope it happens quicker for you.

L

laurie6781

Well, it this how you want the rest of your life to be?

It this how you want to be treated?

I suspect the answers are a resounding NO!

You deserve to be treated with respect, thoughtfulness and caring. This obviously is something you are obviously not getting.

This is where Alanon and/or some one on one counseling helps us so much. Helps us to revere ourselves. Helps us to realize we do have a LOT of self worth and self esteem. It also helps us to set boundaries for ourselves for how we want to live, and those around us that cross those boundaries have to leave.

Now just because you have not seen all the 'CON'S' yet, alcoholism is PROGRESSIVE and should you choose to stay, you will have a front row seat for all that has been listed here on various threads and maybe even more that have not been listed.

So, continue to read, try and check out at least 6 different Alanon meetings before making up your mind, and think about looking into some one on one counseling with a therapist who specializes in addiction.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so much.

Love and hugs,

jessiec

The list on your other thread seemed quite long.

You havent reached your breaking point yet. I hoped when you do, you get by unscathed. For me, it too, almost two years of disappointing nights, apologies the next day, many arguments, walking on eggshells, havi gym birthday ruined and my move to a new place sabotaged before I finally had enough.

I'm lucky. I got out with a broken heart, but I still have my friends, my sanity, my health and my life. Some aren't so lucky.

Anon12

I have thought the same myself - i've analysed the worst bits and rationalised that there was still hope but as Anvilhead said, it was still behaviour I didn't think I deserved or wanted. I also worried that it would get worse as everyone says here and that I wanted to get out before he started blaming me. I also wanted to stop enabling him so he could face up to his consequences. As soon as he moved out, it was a fast decline and he had a court hearing this week for a DUI related charge so it was a wake up call for me.

It's not easy, not matter what stage there are at, but I know what you are feeling. I stayed as long as I could but when the bad list started to outweigh the good list, I couldn't justify it any longer. Only you can decide when that happens.

Florence

I'm still with my A. He's an RAH now, but getting here sucked. Even still, I suspect we don't have a happy ending around the corner.

I stay for a few reasons. It's bearable right now. This is giving me time and space to get my s*** together emotionally and financially while I decide what to do next. He's able and willing to help with the kids while I do my own thing. He's dry right now, but only intermittently engaged with a program of any kind, so I'm unwilling to engage any further than that.

There is also a part of me that is really afraid of letting go of the dream. I sometimes catch myself daydreaming about us finding a way to reconnect.

But it's clear to me that the him I was attracted to -- and the me that was attracted to him -- wasn't healthy. He's a lot different now that he's sober. So am I. We aren't the people we married, and the me I am today probably wouldn't have married this guy. I don't know if you overcome that. I've heard someone say it before, but sometimes they get sober and you still don't like them.

Chrissy44

I was so broken by the end that although I *knew* I wanted to cut ties, when I tried to dump him I let myself get sucked back in by empty promises and foolish dreams. Like you, at the time, I felt little anger towards my guy -- he too was damaged in childhood and I bought into the all-too-common misconception that he was therefore entitled to some leeway in mistreating his "loved" ones.

Ultimately, I was looking forward to my promised promotion in January -- my plan was to take the position in another city, move, and just never call him back. I have never been the kind of person who conducts herself that way; I honestly just couldn't think of any other way to get out.

Fortunately(?) he got violent about 8 months before promotion time. That was our tie-cutting endpoint -- I now have a nasty scar to bear, but I saved myself 8 months of his blaming, self-pitying, screaming, selfish, unreasonable drama!

I don't have a great answer for you about how to convince yourself it's time to cut ties. If you know this is not how you want to spend the rest of your life, you are free to go -- no need to wait for some hugely awful or potentially life-changing event to occur.

FifiRhubarb

You all are giving such helpful advice. I am grateful that he and I are not married, don't have kids together, etc. We don't even have the same friends, really. Any mutual friends we have are either more his or more mine, if that makes sense. I could make it an easy break. I changed my number because I didn't want to be tempted to talk to him, but the change has been wonky and a) sometimes calls don't go through (it tells the person my new number is not in service) and b) text messages I physically wrote and sent before my number change were sent afterward, with my new number. Not just to him. I didn't WANT to not talk to him, and it was the most miserable few days. I knew he wouldn't harass me, but I didn't want to tell him not to talk to me, then continue to send a barrage of text messages any time a new emotion hit me. And I knew I would. I want to spend my life with him and I knew I did fairly early on...but I think I thought that, once he was off parole, things would be easier. Clearly that's not the case.

I love him so much and I truly do not feel he is a bad person. I want only the best for him. I know I can't change him, and no amount of me loving him will fix his problems. But when people talk about the fact that he's a felon or that his birth mother drank when she was pregnant as reason enough to let him go, it makes me sad for him and for anyone else who is in that situation. Like anyone with a record or with FAS should just be cast aside and live alone? That just seems so wrong to me.

LaTeeDa

This thinking will trap you. Those are not reasons to let him go. His BEHAVIOR is reason to let him go. There are people who have had terrible hardships in life and have overcome them and gone on to be fine, upstanding, even outstanding citizens. There are people who have been babied and catered to all their life who are mean, horrible people. It's what he DOES that matters, not what he has been through. His past is not an excuse to behave badly, having a disease is not an excuse to behave badly, life not working out the way you wanted is not an excuse to behave badly. In short, there is no plausible excuse to behave badly, short of mental illness. And, if he does have a mental illness, you are not qualified to treat him anyway.

L

FifiRhubarb

Nothing excuses the mistakes he has made. I simply don't like the idea of his being a felon or the situation with his birthmother given as a reason to leave him or a reason he can't be better. That is the message I got from some posts, and it upsets and frustrates me. There are plenty of other reasons, although clearly those haven't pushed me yet.