jessiec

Short recap: broke up with xABF recently when he was a total drunken ass before my birthday, right before he was to help me move.

So, please don't pile up in me all at once. I'm really fragile.

Long story short: I saw him this weekend (he went to the same mass and waited for me after). I didn't know he'd be there so it caught me off guard. I went right to tears, and so did he (I've never seen him cry). He feels horrible and embarrassed and has started going to AA. I could tell from how he looked and sounded, he had not been drinking. I do believe him.

And now I'm more of a mess. Intellectually, I should be so angry for what he has done to me. Emotionally, I'm just wanting wanting to hug him, tell him things will be OK and we'll get through this together. I'm so sad because we do dearly love each other. And I'm distraught because I know I cant be with him.

He needs to concentrat his full attention on getting well and so I do.

Doesn't make it easy.

DefofLov

No, it isn't easy and there is nothing wrong with crying and grieving the loss. I will not offer advice or give suggestions. I will tell you that you are doing a wonderful job handling this situation and I hope you continue to do what is best for you.

I support you and I care.

FindingPeace1

I feel you. I really do.
The fire of anger over some drama is sometimes what we need to get us to make a change.
The only advice I would have is to recognize this is going to hurt and your default will be to go back, but work on allowing the sadness and loneliness and fear and longing to arise and just BE with those feelings without taking action. You can get through this. Those feelings are survivable.

I am sorry for your hurt.

fp

fedup3

It's ok to grieve, you've lost a relationship and it hurts. I know I'm still grieving and mine ended almost a year ago.

Learn2Live

He's playing you.
What happened to No Contact?

EnglishGarden

Addicts cycle.

He was in the weeping self-pity center-of-the-universe part of the cycle.....

He has moved by now into the cold-hearted center-of-the-universe part of the cycle.

Stiffen up that backbone of yours. It will protect you. Try not to be sentimental, if you can.

Broken heart but strong backbone.

fourmaggie

I have been there...be patient with yourself

WorkInProgress8

You cant believe addicts about anything. Tell him the skys blue bet he'll try to convince you its green! Hes trying to pull you back in first with the email and now his crocodile tears: yet another Oscar worthy performance from the addict. No contact. No contact. No contact. Do it for YOU!

Learn2Live

Jessie, hon, you HAVE to do what is necessary to protect yourself, even if you look goofy doing it. I'll tell you a short story. There was a person at work who I HAD to work with for quite a long time and very closely. She is TOXIC to me (Didn't take me long to figure that out). Other people may be fine with her, but I'm not. Whenever I had to work with her, what she would do and the way she would talk, and the way she worked with other people just made me SICK. I was stressed out for over a year having to work with her. I spent all kinds of time, effort, and energy trying to figure out what was wrong with ME. What did I need to do to get along with this person? Why don't we get along? How could I fix the relationship between her and I? I would read articles about getting along with people. Examine myself and my own shortcomings. Talk to people who got along with her and asked them their opinions on what I should do. Eventually, I got so sick, physically and mentally, that I had to bite the bullet and get another job, because there was no getting away from her if I stayed. For months after that, whenever I would see her, I would HIDE. LOL, yes, funny right? One time I saw her walking in from the parking lot, and before she could see me, I RAN across the parking lot to avoid her. That's how sick she made me. I am sure I looked weird running across the parking lot but that is what I had to do to protect myself. I did that for the next two years. Now when I see her I am OK and usually do not have to hide or run because I no longer have to deal with her at work, and I'm no longer invested in the relationship.

Next time this guy shows up where you are, RUN. Do not talk to him. Do not stop to explain yourself or apologize or anything. Just RUN.

Tuffgirl

:ghug3

Stay strong, Jessie!

Chrissy44

The first time I broke up with my XABF, we left the door open for "maybe in the future we can communicate at least as friends" type stuff. I ended up feeling bad for his pathetic facebook statuses and ended NC when I saw him a few days later at our local Starbucks. I ended up hugging him, which turned into kissing him which turned into taking him back. It felt great for a little while -- like during the hug and the make-up kiss.

Then it all went to hell again, literally it only took him 48 hours. Once he had my ear he went on and on about how our few days apart were the worst time of his life and how obviously that was all my fault. He would come over to bring me dinner and then out of nowhere launch into a tirade about how much pain I'd put him through when I abandoned him. He'd make vague references to bars he had "found himself in" and then tell me that his sponsor was requiring him to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. Since he was very busy at the time, this whole 90 meeting things was ruining his life, and of course by the transitive property...me breaking up with him had ruined his life.

He came back to my life full of even more rage and hatred. Any time he freaked out at me, he declared it was my fault because I'd damaged him when I broke up with him. He remained 100% convinced that I slept with someone, anyone, everyone in our few days apart. I didn't. He punished me as if I had. The post-breakup-back-together period was the absolute worst time in the already ugly history of the relationship.

That's just my story, and talking to your XABF obviously doesn't necessarily lead down the same dark road. But it sure sounds like he put you through hell and doesn't deserve any chances to wiggle his way back in and mess with you again. I am so sorry seeing him at church brought you down. You deserve freedom and peace and a loving respectful relationship. You are doing so great so far -- still rooting for you over here!!

jessiec

UPDATE: I recognized this was going nowhere good. After I saw him yesterday, I was feeling weird (false hope/mind f-ery) about everything and called him. I told him I do not want to see him or talk to him -- I need time to heal. I did give his permission to contact me when he celebrates 30 days sobriety (about 27 more than he ever made it in the past. He will or he won't. And ether way, I'll be in a stronger place.

Thank you everyone so much for listening and for taking time to respond. I really value your insights and experiences so much.

I've really been a wreck. I feel so lonely (although I have great people always just a call away) and sad. So unfamiliar in my new place (that I was once so excited about, but now feels so freaky and foreign). And just really lost in general.