Just So Tired
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3
Just So Tired
Hi all
Quickly, my wife and I were married 5 years ago. Less than one month after we were married, we moved out-of-state to help take care of her alcoholic father. We were only supposed to stay 6mo-1yr., yet here we are 5 years later.
FIL gets better & stops drinking, then goes right back to drinking. This is the longest he hasn't had anything to drink since we've been here (going on 6 months) but we can never trust when he will go back to his addiction.
We lived with him for a while to help try & get his life back on track but had to move out to save OUR marriage. Now he is in an assisted living home but my wife still takes care of all of his financial affairs (she's Power of Attorney). She's trying to talk to him about selling his home so he will have income to live on but he's masterful at changing the subject so week after week nothing is done. Meanwhile, he's spending money like it's going out of style.
For example, he's spending over $1000/month on shirts. Golf shirts. Recently he bought air for $27k. Yep, air. He bought his 6th time share (except that it's not even a place, just a point system). Seeing that he goes NOWHERE EVER, this is just unbelievable but a good example of why my wife is freaking out. Yet, she won't sit him down and tell him NO or take away his credit cards so he doesn't make himself broke.
My wife won't let go. We were supposed to move back to our home state and time and time again she'll come up with a reason why we can't go. I've stopped telling people we're coming home because apparently it's never going to happen.
She will not allow herself or us to move beyond her father and it's killing our marriage. I feel like she takes all of her anger for him and projects it onto our marriage and me but every time I suggest this may be happening, she begins screaming and name calling and I retreat and give up. I can't take it anymore but I don't know what to do. It seems like we will never be able to move on with our lives until he is buried. Her father's side of the family, btw, live abnormally long lives, no matter what they've done to their bodies so there's no telling how long this will go on.
She won't talk to him, her brothers won't talk to him (or help take care of him) and she won't let me talk to him so here we are - nowhere.
I'm tired. So, so tired... and depressed, increasingly. Any words of wisdom, please?
Quickly, my wife and I were married 5 years ago. Less than one month after we were married, we moved out-of-state to help take care of her alcoholic father. We were only supposed to stay 6mo-1yr., yet here we are 5 years later.
FIL gets better & stops drinking, then goes right back to drinking. This is the longest he hasn't had anything to drink since we've been here (going on 6 months) but we can never trust when he will go back to his addiction.
We lived with him for a while to help try & get his life back on track but had to move out to save OUR marriage. Now he is in an assisted living home but my wife still takes care of all of his financial affairs (she's Power of Attorney). She's trying to talk to him about selling his home so he will have income to live on but he's masterful at changing the subject so week after week nothing is done. Meanwhile, he's spending money like it's going out of style.
For example, he's spending over $1000/month on shirts. Golf shirts. Recently he bought air for $27k. Yep, air. He bought his 6th time share (except that it's not even a place, just a point system). Seeing that he goes NOWHERE EVER, this is just unbelievable but a good example of why my wife is freaking out. Yet, she won't sit him down and tell him NO or take away his credit cards so he doesn't make himself broke.
My wife won't let go. We were supposed to move back to our home state and time and time again she'll come up with a reason why we can't go. I've stopped telling people we're coming home because apparently it's never going to happen.
She will not allow herself or us to move beyond her father and it's killing our marriage. I feel like she takes all of her anger for him and projects it onto our marriage and me but every time I suggest this may be happening, she begins screaming and name calling and I retreat and give up. I can't take it anymore but I don't know what to do. It seems like we will never be able to move on with our lives until he is buried. Her father's side of the family, btw, live abnormally long lives, no matter what they've done to their bodies so there's no telling how long this will go on.
She won't talk to him, her brothers won't talk to him (or help take care of him) and she won't let me talk to him so here we are - nowhere.
I'm tired. So, so tired... and depressed, increasingly. Any words of wisdom, please?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
As long as you support the behavior and allow her to push you around, it will continue. Sounds like the typical dyfunctional alcoholic care taking.
The only person you can make happy is yourself. I agree al anon, or some counseling for you. You might be suprised what will happen while you are getting healthy and taking your power back.
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Take control of your life.
sending you a big hug, Katie
The only person you can make happy is yourself. I agree al anon, or some counseling for you. You might be suprised what will happen while you are getting healthy and taking your power back.
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Take control of your life.
sending you a big hug, Katie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3
I've tried in the past to stand up for myself but have been accused of being irrational, using too much psychoanalytic babble, etc. I don't profess to be perfect but I do try to fight fair, admit when I'm wrong, and be understanding of her stress. Just one wrong word about her father and it's a screaming match for an hour. It is extremely hard to keep composure when she will not even try to rectify the true source of her stress or work with me on talking about all of this.
We've tried therapy but she thinks it's stupid. It's all him all of the time. A little less so now that we don't live with him but he's still a major factor. And IF she brings anything up with him, all he has to do is change the subject or act like an innocent little boy and the subject is dropped immediately because, "It's no use." Pardon me, but WTH?! Yes, he has literally damaged his brain with drinking but he is also extremely manipulative and spry on many other topics.
Her own drinking has increased over the years. I kept a lid on on it until last week when I finally told her I felt she was drinking too much (I have never once compared her to her father, btw). We're in trouble aren't we? I've become reclusive and depressed and angry. Angry all of the time - at everyone. She called me a name yesterday I wouldn't call my worst enemy and we haven't spoken since. Yes, therapy is in order here. This is no way to live.
We've tried therapy but she thinks it's stupid. It's all him all of the time. A little less so now that we don't live with him but he's still a major factor. And IF she brings anything up with him, all he has to do is change the subject or act like an innocent little boy and the subject is dropped immediately because, "It's no use." Pardon me, but WTH?! Yes, he has literally damaged his brain with drinking but he is also extremely manipulative and spry on many other topics.
Her own drinking has increased over the years. I kept a lid on on it until last week when I finally told her I felt she was drinking too much (I have never once compared her to her father, btw). We're in trouble aren't we? I've become reclusive and depressed and angry. Angry all of the time - at everyone. She called me a name yesterday I wouldn't call my worst enemy and we haven't spoken since. Yes, therapy is in order here. This is no way to live.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 166
it sounds like your wife has been swept away in the addicts world just like I have.
She seems like she is using all her emotional energy and pouring it into her dad, having nothing left for you. I can understand your frustration because you have put your life on hold for your wife and your father-in-law.
I agree with the other posters.... Al-anon. Maybe sit down with your wife and have a heart to heart conversation about your feelings and your intention to seek outside guidance.
She seems like she is using all her emotional energy and pouring it into her dad, having nothing left for you. I can understand your frustration because you have put your life on hold for your wife and your father-in-law.
I agree with the other posters.... Al-anon. Maybe sit down with your wife and have a heart to heart conversation about your feelings and your intention to seek outside guidance.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. I agree with the other posters that Alanon would be a great source of support for you. Alanon meetings are based on the same 12 steps as AA, but tailored to meet the needs of the family members of alcoholics (even if the alcoholic is no longer drinking).
I also agree that therapy, for yourself, may help you to focus on the one life you do have control over: Yours! You are important, and your life matters too!
When I first arrived at SR, I learned about the 3 C's of alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
It took some time for me to accept that concept, but when I did - I was able to give the reposibility of treating alcoholism to the adult with the problem. Then I was able to focus on my own precious life. Believe me, I had completely lost focus on my own precious life.
Keep reaching out for support. It is a good thing to do for yourself!
You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. I agree with the other posters that Alanon would be a great source of support for you. Alanon meetings are based on the same 12 steps as AA, but tailored to meet the needs of the family members of alcoholics (even if the alcoholic is no longer drinking).
I also agree that therapy, for yourself, may help you to focus on the one life you do have control over: Yours! You are important, and your life matters too!
When I first arrived at SR, I learned about the 3 C's of alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
It took some time for me to accept that concept, but when I did - I was able to give the reposibility of treating alcoholism to the adult with the problem. Then I was able to focus on my own precious life. Believe me, I had completely lost focus on my own precious life.
Keep reaching out for support. It is a good thing to do for yourself!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 47
I use to have fights like that with my BPD friend. The slightest thing would set her off, and she certainly did not fight fair. Recently, someone said to me, "You really don't like to argue, do you?" I thought about it after, because I had never thought of myself that way, and realized it was from the years of putting up with her emotional and verbal abuse. Arguing just made it worse, so eventually I would just shut up and wait for it to be over. What a terrible, frustrating way to live. I would carry the hurtful things she said with me for days. I am sorry for your pain, my only solution was to leave the friendship. I finally couldn't take one more minute of giving and giving and still being the ******* in her eyes, no matter what I did. I hope you are able to find some peace for yourself soon, towards the end I spent a lot of time alone or working because I just couldn't stand to be around her. Now, 2 years later, I feel like I can breathe again. You don't deserve to be treated like that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
Your wife is too busy being a daughter to be a wife. (I'm paraphrasing what my mother said about my alcoholic father, that he was too busy being a son to be a husband.)
Sounds like she may have a drinking problem as well.
Get to Al Anon and/or counselling!
Sounds like she may have a drinking problem as well.
Get to Al Anon and/or counselling!
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