Off to a good start
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Off to a good start
I feel good about the way this new year has started....at least as far as my relationship with my husband goes.
He has been "bothered" by this web-site for some time now. He would make rude comments or think I was bashing him, or who knows what....but I always just responded by saying it was about me not him.....WELL that all changed!!! (I didn't volunteer for him to read anything though, he would take it wrong) The conversation came up again and I told him again that it was about me not him. (or my Dad who is also an alcoholic)
I tried my best to explain how much I have learned and how hard I have worked to be "better" at being me. I told him I have made a consious (sp) effort to react differently. I explained that I understand his choosing to drink has nothing to do with me....nor is it directed at me. I told him I was sad that he was so unhappy and I hoped that he could find happiness. I even told him that the major concern with his drinking is that the children don't ride with him when he is drinking and that I worry about them watching him....be miserable.
The look on his face was so bewildered....I was surprised. He said that was how he felt...unhappy with himself and that was why he drank and he said that he had tried to tell me it wasn't to hurt me, but I responded with I had to learn for myself....
I know that our marriage has had lots of ups and downs, but this was a defining moment of honesty......one of those things that strengthen foundations to make things last.
ANYWAY.....I felt good that he finally got to hear from me what al-anon has done for me and that I do understand....somewhat ....what he is living with.
Blessings, Constant
He has been "bothered" by this web-site for some time now. He would make rude comments or think I was bashing him, or who knows what....but I always just responded by saying it was about me not him.....WELL that all changed!!! (I didn't volunteer for him to read anything though, he would take it wrong) The conversation came up again and I told him again that it was about me not him. (or my Dad who is also an alcoholic)
I tried my best to explain how much I have learned and how hard I have worked to be "better" at being me. I told him I have made a consious (sp) effort to react differently. I explained that I understand his choosing to drink has nothing to do with me....nor is it directed at me. I told him I was sad that he was so unhappy and I hoped that he could find happiness. I even told him that the major concern with his drinking is that the children don't ride with him when he is drinking and that I worry about them watching him....be miserable.
The look on his face was so bewildered....I was surprised. He said that was how he felt...unhappy with himself and that was why he drank and he said that he had tried to tell me it wasn't to hurt me, but I responded with I had to learn for myself....
I know that our marriage has had lots of ups and downs, but this was a defining moment of honesty......one of those things that strengthen foundations to make things last.
ANYWAY.....I felt good that he finally got to hear from me what al-anon has done for me and that I do understand....somewhat ....what he is living with.
Blessings, Constant
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
"A defining moment of honesty"
I love, love, love that phrase. I think we all need more of those in our lives.
Glad to hear that you and your husband are communicating better. That is such a great step in the right direction.
Peace,
Gabe
Glad to hear that you and your husband are communicating better. That is such a great step in the right direction.
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Constant.
I know just what you mean about being "bothered" by the site. Dino used to just cut up something fierce over it. And in truth, for me it was just as much about him as it was about me to begin with. I did come here to vent my spleen. He would consider that bashing. In his mind he didn't do all those things. It never occured to him, though, that when I was yelling here I wasn't yelling at him.
He also probably won't ever get what this site has done for me. In his mind (now that it's clear) there was never anything wrong with me. My frenzy was a natural response to stimulus that returned to calm when that stimulus was removed. It may never sink in that I was in a mental state that it's not easy to come back from by yourself. He was the crazy one. I was just overstimulated. :lol
I'm glad you got to share with him the good things that are happening for you. And it's wonderful that he's been allowed to feel more understood. That has to be worth a lot.
Hugs,
Smoke
I know just what you mean about being "bothered" by the site. Dino used to just cut up something fierce over it. And in truth, for me it was just as much about him as it was about me to begin with. I did come here to vent my spleen. He would consider that bashing. In his mind he didn't do all those things. It never occured to him, though, that when I was yelling here I wasn't yelling at him.
He also probably won't ever get what this site has done for me. In his mind (now that it's clear) there was never anything wrong with me. My frenzy was a natural response to stimulus that returned to calm when that stimulus was removed. It may never sink in that I was in a mental state that it's not easy to come back from by yourself. He was the crazy one. I was just overstimulated. :lol
I'm glad you got to share with him the good things that are happening for you. And it's wonderful that he's been allowed to feel more understood. That has to be worth a lot.
Hugs,
Smoke
....or at least hoping I am.
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Sunny Florida
Posts: 29
Happy that you had that moment of honest w/ him and he was open to listen!
I know that my AH would also make snide remarks about my 'friends on the internet' and would want to know what 'they were saying about him'. Yes, my times on here have been mixed with ranting about him as well as trying to learn more about the disease, but I think that it has all helped me discover things about myself also. I think that it also makes him a little uncomfortable b/c he is realizing that I am learning more and more and that the more I do understand the harder it is for him to come up w/ excuses for using or not seeking recovery or being serious about recovery.
I, too, am thankful for what this 'family' has done for me.
Blessings to you and yours.
I know that my AH would also make snide remarks about my 'friends on the internet' and would want to know what 'they were saying about him'. Yes, my times on here have been mixed with ranting about him as well as trying to learn more about the disease, but I think that it has all helped me discover things about myself also. I think that it also makes him a little uncomfortable b/c he is realizing that I am learning more and more and that the more I do understand the harder it is for him to come up w/ excuses for using or not seeking recovery or being serious about recovery.
I, too, am thankful for what this 'family' has done for me.
Blessings to you and yours.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Smoke, you got it....they will never understand HOW something like this site works.....precisely why I am password protected. Oh, I just thought of something....
We use this site like they use alcohol/DOC. For ourselves and they way WE FEEL....not to hurt or humiliate them. Hey pretty cool!
Livingwithhope......I definately think that the ranting/venting helps us see things about ourselves. Bad and good.....to help us re-route our course.
Gabe.....thank you,
Contant
We use this site like they use alcohol/DOC. For ourselves and they way WE FEEL....not to hurt or humiliate them. Hey pretty cool!
Livingwithhope......I definately think that the ranting/venting helps us see things about ourselves. Bad and good.....to help us re-route our course.
Gabe.....thank you,
Contant
Member
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Malaga Spain
Posts: 3
Hi Constant
Your post gives me hope! My Husband is still in denial about his drinking but I no longer am. I too have had conversations with him (not the usual screaming fight) about the effect his drinking has on us as a family, he seems to take some of it on board and some of it he chooses to ignore.
Our relationship was becoming a real effort for me because when I get up in the morning and find that the whiskey bottle has gone down a few inches I got Mad!! I would spend all day feeling annoyed with him for being so weak, resentful that I have to work all day while he spends the day sleeping it off (he works evenings). I have come to realise through this site, and reading posts like yours that it is not about me, it's about him. It's his decision to drink, his body that suffers (although we suffer from his irritability and mood swings) and only HE can do anything about it.
The resentment that I felt affected the way I behaved towards him and sometimes towards the boys, it puts me in a bad mood. When I am in a bad mood with him because of this it makes him drink more. We had a conversation about him cutting down or even out the whiskey only last week and I thought he was beginning to realise the effect that it has on him - but last night he hit the bottle again. So - big deep breath, take the kids to school, go to work and tell myself HE made the choice.
I'm still not sure wether to ignore this, make a comment and leave it or give him hell (I know, I know but sometimes it's not easy being the strong one all the time) The books say wait until he's sober to discuss things but if he's sober he's grumpy and won't dicuss it and if he's drunk we fight about it.
Here I go on thr ranting/venting thing again. It helps to know that I am not the only wife/girlfriend/ dealing with the fallout. Thanks for being there you guys
Tangotoo
Your post gives me hope! My Husband is still in denial about his drinking but I no longer am. I too have had conversations with him (not the usual screaming fight) about the effect his drinking has on us as a family, he seems to take some of it on board and some of it he chooses to ignore.
Our relationship was becoming a real effort for me because when I get up in the morning and find that the whiskey bottle has gone down a few inches I got Mad!! I would spend all day feeling annoyed with him for being so weak, resentful that I have to work all day while he spends the day sleeping it off (he works evenings). I have come to realise through this site, and reading posts like yours that it is not about me, it's about him. It's his decision to drink, his body that suffers (although we suffer from his irritability and mood swings) and only HE can do anything about it.
The resentment that I felt affected the way I behaved towards him and sometimes towards the boys, it puts me in a bad mood. When I am in a bad mood with him because of this it makes him drink more. We had a conversation about him cutting down or even out the whiskey only last week and I thought he was beginning to realise the effect that it has on him - but last night he hit the bottle again. So - big deep breath, take the kids to school, go to work and tell myself HE made the choice.
I'm still not sure wether to ignore this, make a comment and leave it or give him hell (I know, I know but sometimes it's not easy being the strong one all the time) The books say wait until he's sober to discuss things but if he's sober he's grumpy and won't dicuss it and if he's drunk we fight about it.
Here I go on thr ranting/venting thing again. It helps to know that I am not the only wife/girlfriend/ dealing with the fallout. Thanks for being there you guys
Tangotoo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Hey Tangotoo,
Glad to hear that something I said or did helped someone!!!
It is difficult to explain the awakening that I have had and I am sure I will have many more...but I am to a point where I will forever see things in a different light.
As far as your husband hitting the bottle.....you know he did, he knows he did.....you both know how you feel about it, so just go on with you life and leave it alone.....of course this is just my opinion and kind of how I have done things. My pointing out the fact that he drank again really isn't necessary. I go on with my life. In fact after the post I made yesterday...and the conversation with my husband, he had lunch with a business associate and drank. BUT MY DAY WAS FINE.....the kids and I went on with our normal day...he came home....we went on as usual....of course he wasn't causing touble either...in that case I would have taken the children and gone to a friends, but he generally "holds" it together in front of the kids.
I know that everyone is different, but I promise you June or July 2002 when I found this site, I was miserable and ready to walk out on 14 years of marriage....my husband lived at the local bar and I was giving myself ulcers worrying about it!!! I MADE the changes within me (and still am) and somehow he changed too. Granted, all is not "fixed" but very managable....today. Blessings, take is slow...baby steps...Constant
Glad to hear that something I said or did helped someone!!!
It is difficult to explain the awakening that I have had and I am sure I will have many more...but I am to a point where I will forever see things in a different light.
As far as your husband hitting the bottle.....you know he did, he knows he did.....you both know how you feel about it, so just go on with you life and leave it alone.....of course this is just my opinion and kind of how I have done things. My pointing out the fact that he drank again really isn't necessary. I go on with my life. In fact after the post I made yesterday...and the conversation with my husband, he had lunch with a business associate and drank. BUT MY DAY WAS FINE.....the kids and I went on with our normal day...he came home....we went on as usual....of course he wasn't causing touble either...in that case I would have taken the children and gone to a friends, but he generally "holds" it together in front of the kids.
I know that everyone is different, but I promise you June or July 2002 when I found this site, I was miserable and ready to walk out on 14 years of marriage....my husband lived at the local bar and I was giving myself ulcers worrying about it!!! I MADE the changes within me (and still am) and somehow he changed too. Granted, all is not "fixed" but very managable....today. Blessings, take is slow...baby steps...Constant
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
Constant:
So glad you had this "defining moment of honesty" and shared it with us! Definite move in the right direction.
Squinty isn't really happy that I come to this site either. He thinks I come here because he is "recovering", because of the name Sober recovery. Funny thing is, when he saw back in June that he really did have a problem, I told him all about this site, and told him he might learn from it--but his mind was still blinded, and he doesn't remember much of that conversation, I'm afraid.
He hates it when people get together to commiserate over our problems--sees it as no help at all--but that's from a man who thinks he can stand alone and solve all his own problems by himself. I mean, after all, he is sooooooo great, and smarter than anyone else--just ask him.
Really happy for you, Constant!
Hugs, Lyn
So glad you had this "defining moment of honesty" and shared it with us! Definite move in the right direction.
Squinty isn't really happy that I come to this site either. He thinks I come here because he is "recovering", because of the name Sober recovery. Funny thing is, when he saw back in June that he really did have a problem, I told him all about this site, and told him he might learn from it--but his mind was still blinded, and he doesn't remember much of that conversation, I'm afraid.
He hates it when people get together to commiserate over our problems--sees it as no help at all--but that's from a man who thinks he can stand alone and solve all his own problems by himself. I mean, after all, he is sooooooo great, and smarter than anyone else--just ask him.
Really happy for you, Constant!
Hugs, Lyn
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: saskatchewan
Posts: 26
Hi! So far my spouse is very happy that I have found this site. He has never checked it out himself, and I only have been going on it during privacy times. He may change his mind, when he realizes that I will be venting on the forum, but for now, he is grateful that my attitude is so much healthier, that I have realized that I need to quit trying to change him. I too am very grateful- I can see the results already in myself and how I react, how I feel about him, and most importantly, how I feel about myself. Thank-you once again!!
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 54
My b/f knows I've found a forum and he's very pleased I've done so. He was the one that suggested I get into Al-Anon when he made the decision to go into rehab. He hasn't seen this forum, I'm not even sure he knows WHICH site it is that I frequent. However, I have no qualms in telling him and I hope to share this site with him when he's available to once again go online. While I don't believe I'd "gossip" about him (I haven't yet), my concerns have been geared more towards how I can best support him, take care of myself and/or get over "A Moment". I think my biggest period of anger and venting was because I was missing him terribly and I was angry at his rehab house for "keeping him from me". Oh what I've learned in less than 3 months, lol.
Believe me, he'd much rather I vent, bitch and complain here than to have to hear it himself and be distracted from his own treatment/recovery in order to 'baby' me when I have "A Moment". I can also take comfort knowing that you all are here to allow me to do so.
Thank you!
Believe me, he'd much rather I vent, bitch and complain here than to have to hear it himself and be distracted from his own treatment/recovery in order to 'baby' me when I have "A Moment". I can also take comfort knowing that you all are here to allow me to do so.
Thank you!
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
"I tried my best to explain how much I have learned and how hard I have worked to be "better" at being me. I told him I have made a consious (sp) effort to react differently. I explained that I understand his choosing to drink has nothing to do with me....nor is it directed at me. I told him I was sad that he was so unhappy and I hoped that he could find happiness. I even told him that the major concern with his drinking is that the children don't ride with him when he is drinking and that I worry about them watching him....be miserable."
Hi Constant! That is one of the best examples of what we are striving for. That is looking at the same situation with a new pair of glasses. Thank you for sharing that! Peace, Magic
Hi Constant! That is one of the best examples of what we are striving for. That is looking at the same situation with a new pair of glasses. Thank you for sharing that! Peace, Magic
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