A little afraid to post...
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 212
A little afraid to post...
I'm a little scared to post for fear of being shamed or made to feel even guiltier than I already do so please be honest...just not mean. I already feel like an idiot and this is hard for me. I apologize for the length and rambling, I am still trying to sort this all out.
I moved out of the apartment I shared with abf 3 months ago, and have been looking for a place ever since. I was doing well, set boundaries, stopped enabling...felt ready to move on and then something changed. I suddenly felt a shift, like something in him changed and he was making sense for once and acting like the person I know and not the ahole he has been for the last 6 months. He made steps to get into treatment (but was denied insurance) All the old feelings came back, and although I kept my guard up, it was very hard to do. Maybe he didn't change, maybe somehow I slipped back into denial and I am not seeing things clearly anymore. In any case I reluctantly went to a graduation party for his bothers gf (who I am very close to) last night. abf was not there, he had his son and since I have told him I don't want to see his son until we figure things out he decided it was more important for me to be there and he took his son away for the weekend. I had not seen his brothers in a while, and since they are aware of what has been going on between abf and I, I knew it could be a negative experience, but this is a good friend and I felt I needed to be there for her. Turns out no one is upset with me, and in fact they are not only aware of abf's issues, but agree with everything I have done. SHOCKING because his family is full of enablers. The brother he is closest to disclosed a little too much info IMO. He told me some stories about some drunken run ins with abf as did my friend. Problem is that although I love my friend, when she gets a few drinks in her she exaggerates everything, and I am a bit weary of what his brother is telling me as well...they have a very tight bond and it does not make sense that he is turning on him. This particular brother just broke up with his addict gf and was literally putting words in my mouth all night ("Part of you just wants to move on. You don't love him"etc.). I don't know what the Hell to think. Have I somehow managed to lose a grip on reality in a matter of days? Has anyone else run into this problem? I feel like I am slowly losing my mind! lol
I moved out of the apartment I shared with abf 3 months ago, and have been looking for a place ever since. I was doing well, set boundaries, stopped enabling...felt ready to move on and then something changed. I suddenly felt a shift, like something in him changed and he was making sense for once and acting like the person I know and not the ahole he has been for the last 6 months. He made steps to get into treatment (but was denied insurance) All the old feelings came back, and although I kept my guard up, it was very hard to do. Maybe he didn't change, maybe somehow I slipped back into denial and I am not seeing things clearly anymore. In any case I reluctantly went to a graduation party for his bothers gf (who I am very close to) last night. abf was not there, he had his son and since I have told him I don't want to see his son until we figure things out he decided it was more important for me to be there and he took his son away for the weekend. I had not seen his brothers in a while, and since they are aware of what has been going on between abf and I, I knew it could be a negative experience, but this is a good friend and I felt I needed to be there for her. Turns out no one is upset with me, and in fact they are not only aware of abf's issues, but agree with everything I have done. SHOCKING because his family is full of enablers. The brother he is closest to disclosed a little too much info IMO. He told me some stories about some drunken run ins with abf as did my friend. Problem is that although I love my friend, when she gets a few drinks in her she exaggerates everything, and I am a bit weary of what his brother is telling me as well...they have a very tight bond and it does not make sense that he is turning on him. This particular brother just broke up with his addict gf and was literally putting words in my mouth all night ("Part of you just wants to move on. You don't love him"etc.). I don't know what the Hell to think. Have I somehow managed to lose a grip on reality in a matter of days? Has anyone else run into this problem? I feel like I am slowly losing my mind! lol
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Frederick, MD
Posts: 13
Family really complicates things, don't they? I haven't reached out to my abf's family yet and I'm kind of scared to. His mom is a recovered meth addict, his dad drinks a lot and smokes a lot of pot. His brother is evading the law and living in California off the grid. They all love me because I am stable and kind of out of his league. He's kind of their golden child- the first in his family to graduate high school (yes, you read that right). He's the first to attend any college whatsoever. I'm the embodiment of their hope for a normal life for him. Talk about a guilt trip...
There is no reason you can't stay in touch with them, but if it begins to be detrimental to your well-being, explain that you need to distance yourself for awhile so that you can focus on your own healing. Hopefully they will understand that it is just as painful for you as it is for him and them.
There is no reason you can't stay in touch with them, but if it begins to be detrimental to your well-being, explain that you need to distance yourself for awhile so that you can focus on your own healing. Hopefully they will understand that it is just as painful for you as it is for him and them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 212
I don't really keep in touch with any of them except for the gf, that is why having all of this dumped on me is so odd. Maybe I am just losing my resolve and sliding back...I don't get it.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
i'm glad you found the courage to post! i doubt there is anyone here who will deliberately try to shame you or make you feel guilty. we've all been in similar situations, and are not here to point the finger.
alcoholism is NOT logical. i've been wrestling with that a lot over the past week (xabf and i broke up last week), and have moments when it truly sinks in, and some in which it doesn't. i don't personally enjoy other people telling me how i feel, but it seems to me like his brother was maybe projecting his feelings onto you. or perhaps he was using his words to *help* you navigate your own feelings. i don't know...
take a breather today and start thinking about what you are getting out of this relationship. if you honestly feel like your needs are being met (as they SHOULD be) then, by all means, keep plugging along. if, however, you see gaps in the relationship and can pinpoint specific needs that are being unmet, you may need to continue on as you have been with looking for your own place and putting distance between the two of you.
big hugs to you, and welcome to sr!
alcoholism is NOT logical. i've been wrestling with that a lot over the past week (xabf and i broke up last week), and have moments when it truly sinks in, and some in which it doesn't. i don't personally enjoy other people telling me how i feel, but it seems to me like his brother was maybe projecting his feelings onto you. or perhaps he was using his words to *help* you navigate your own feelings. i don't know...
take a breather today and start thinking about what you are getting out of this relationship. if you honestly feel like your needs are being met (as they SHOULD be) then, by all means, keep plugging along. if, however, you see gaps in the relationship and can pinpoint specific needs that are being unmet, you may need to continue on as you have been with looking for your own place and putting distance between the two of you.
big hugs to you, and welcome to sr!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Krys 
I'm a little scared to post for fear of being shamed or made to feel even guiltier than I already do so please be honest...just not mean. I already feel like an idiot and this is hard for me. I apologize for the length and rambling, I am still trying to sort this all out.
I moved out of the apartment I shared with abf 3 months ago, and have been looking for a place ever since. I was doing well, set boundaries, stopped enabling...felt ready to move on and then something changed. I suddenly felt a shift, like something in him changed and he was making sense for once and acting like the person I know and not the ahole he has been for the last 6 months. He made steps to get into treatment (but was denied insurance) All the old feelings came back, and although I kept my guard up, it was very hard to do. Maybe he didn't change, maybe somehow I slipped back into denial and I am not seeing things clearly anymore. In any case I reluctantly went to a graduation party for his bothers gf (who I am very close to) last night. abf was not there, he had his son and since I have told him I don't want to see his son until we figure things out he decided it was more important for me to be there and he took his son away for the weekend. I had not seen his brothers in a while, and since they are aware of what has been going on between abf and I, I knew it could be a negative experience, but this is a good friend and I felt I needed to be there for her. Turns out no one is upset with me, and in fact they are not only aware of abf's issues, but agree with everything I have done. SHOCKING because his family is full of enablers. The brother he is closest to disclosed a little too much info IMO. He told me some stories about some drunken run ins with abf as did my friend. Problem is that although I love my friend, when she gets a few drinks in her she exaggerates everything, and I am a bit weary of what his brother is telling me as well...they have a very tight bond and it does not make sense that he is turning on him. This particular brother just broke up with his addict gf and was literally putting words in my mouth all night ("Part of you just wants to move on. You don't love him"etc.). I don't know what the Hell to think. Have I somehow managed to lose a grip on reality in a matter of days? Has anyone else run into this problem? I feel like I am slowly losing my mind! lol
I moved out of the apartment I shared with abf 3 months ago, and have been looking for a place ever since. I was doing well, set boundaries, stopped enabling...felt ready to move on and then something changed. I suddenly felt a shift, like something in him changed and he was making sense for once and acting like the person I know and not the ahole he has been for the last 6 months. He made steps to get into treatment (but was denied insurance) All the old feelings came back, and although I kept my guard up, it was very hard to do. Maybe he didn't change, maybe somehow I slipped back into denial and I am not seeing things clearly anymore. In any case I reluctantly went to a graduation party for his bothers gf (who I am very close to) last night. abf was not there, he had his son and since I have told him I don't want to see his son until we figure things out he decided it was more important for me to be there and he took his son away for the weekend. I had not seen his brothers in a while, and since they are aware of what has been going on between abf and I, I knew it could be a negative experience, but this is a good friend and I felt I needed to be there for her. Turns out no one is upset with me, and in fact they are not only aware of abf's issues, but agree with everything I have done. SHOCKING because his family is full of enablers. The brother he is closest to disclosed a little too much info IMO. He told me some stories about some drunken run ins with abf as did my friend. Problem is that although I love my friend, when she gets a few drinks in her she exaggerates everything, and I am a bit weary of what his brother is telling me as well...they have a very tight bond and it does not make sense that he is turning on him. This particular brother just broke up with his addict gf and was literally putting words in my mouth all night ("Part of you just wants to move on. You don't love him"etc.). I don't know what the Hell to think. Have I somehow managed to lose a grip on reality in a matter of days? Has anyone else run into this problem? I feel like I am slowly losing my mind! lol
Listen, I know it is hard Krys, but you need to get some physical and emotional distance from this guy. In Al-Anon, we call that Detachment. Have you thought about going to Al-Anon? Please give it a try. It will help you.
Try to focus on you, your life, your family, and your friends. Try to avoid keeping yourself emotional involved with him and his family. Just like you have done with his son, set boundaries for yourself. You don't want to harm the child, right? And perhaps that is why you can establish and maintain that boundary so easily. So, be your own parent, love yourself as much as you love a child, enough to set a boundary to protect YOU from him.
OK, gotta run, sorry I wrote this in haste so maybe I don't make as much sense as I wanted to. I just wanted to post to you before I had to go. Take good care of yourself. Go out with some girlfriends. Avoid drugs and alcohol.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Somewhere in those exaggerated, shocking words of friends and family remains the truth. There is an obvious problem, that shall remain, out of your control/power to fix.
Perhaps your feelings today, are just a reflection of the pain and loss you have experienced with ABF. You are entitled to your feelings. No one will shame or judge you here.
You get to sort this out on your own terms.
For me, I just kept my mind as busy and occupied as I could. And I had to avoid those who could not be of benefit to my healing process.
I got tired of switching seats on the sinking ship, and crawled my ass into the lifeboat. Do whatever you need to do and get yourself to shore. Keep the focus on you and your life. Time to be your own best friend.
Perhaps your feelings today, are just a reflection of the pain and loss you have experienced with ABF. You are entitled to your feelings. No one will shame or judge you here.
You get to sort this out on your own terms.
For me, I just kept my mind as busy and occupied as I could. And I had to avoid those who could not be of benefit to my healing process.
I got tired of switching seats on the sinking ship, and crawled my ass into the lifeboat. Do whatever you need to do and get yourself to shore. Keep the focus on you and your life. Time to be your own best friend.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by shawty80
alcoholism is NOT logical. i've been wrestling with that a lot over the past week (xabf and i broke up last week), and have moments when it truly sinks in, and some in which it doesn't.
And no one ever said breaking things off is clean and easy. Maybe go easy on yourself, Krys. And don't feel like you have to come here and only express your perfect recovery and how awesome you are doing. All of us here have made our own mistakes, and are still making them, but doing the best we can.
Hang in there, stay strong!
~T
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Maybe, just maybe it is time to go no contact for a while, with all of them the gf included.
You need time to heal and figure out what you want for you. Yes, Alanon and/or some one on one therapy could help.
As far as him 'looking' for rehab and his insurance wouldn't cover, there is FREE rehab available from Salvation Army, it is a GREAT program usually 6 months, and helps the A in ALL facets of their life so that they can live in the REAL WORLD and not have to use chemicals to numb themselves.
SA has an excellent record for those that complete the whole rehab process.
So, I M H O is still not quite ready, he made a half ass attempt and then had an 'excuse' without looking any further.
Please get some counseling for you and/or Alanon. Please go No Contact for a few months and then see how you are doing in your own recovery and you will quickly know if he has done anything to improve and change himself.
I, with all my experience and recovery, would also have been very UNCOMFORTABLE in what you have described. I do believe I would have left.
No, I don't believe any one here will 'shame' you or 'be mad' at you, if anything we understand, and know how hard this recovery thing is for not only the A but for us codependents also. It is really a MINE FIELD we walk.
So, sending good thoughts and prayers, that today will be a better day for you.
Love and hugs,
You need time to heal and figure out what you want for you. Yes, Alanon and/or some one on one therapy could help.
As far as him 'looking' for rehab and his insurance wouldn't cover, there is FREE rehab available from Salvation Army, it is a GREAT program usually 6 months, and helps the A in ALL facets of their life so that they can live in the REAL WORLD and not have to use chemicals to numb themselves.
SA has an excellent record for those that complete the whole rehab process.
So, I M H O is still not quite ready, he made a half ass attempt and then had an 'excuse' without looking any further.
Please get some counseling for you and/or Alanon. Please go No Contact for a few months and then see how you are doing in your own recovery and you will quickly know if he has done anything to improve and change himself.
I, with all my experience and recovery, would also have been very UNCOMFORTABLE in what you have described. I do believe I would have left.
No, I don't believe any one here will 'shame' you or 'be mad' at you, if anything we understand, and know how hard this recovery thing is for not only the A but for us codependents also. It is really a MINE FIELD we walk.
So, sending good thoughts and prayers, that today will be a better day for you.
Love and hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 212
Thank you everyone for your replies. This has been unbelievably challenging and just when I feel like I am ready to walk I get sucked back in. I should have clarified that he did not try to get into rehab, he does not have health insurance and was trying to get approved through our state program (we live in MA and insurance is pretty much mandatory). His company pays 30% of the insurance they offer but he would have to pay $400 a month...kind of impossible with rent and child support.
Anyway, I've spent a lot of the day re-reading Codependent No More and Reinventing Your Life to try to gain some perspective and I think that despite the progress I have made I have a long way to go and still can't seem to stop knocking myself down when I slip up or make a mistake. I need some time alone...I am living with my mother for now, and I work with my sister. I literally have their opinions and voices in my head all day, along with abf's...I can't hear myself anymore.
Anyway, I've spent a lot of the day re-reading Codependent No More and Reinventing Your Life to try to gain some perspective and I think that despite the progress I have made I have a long way to go and still can't seem to stop knocking myself down when I slip up or make a mistake. I need some time alone...I am living with my mother for now, and I work with my sister. I literally have their opinions and voices in my head all day, along with abf's...I can't hear myself anymore.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Progress, Not Perfection. Remember, this is all just practice. You learn a little, try something, it does or doesn't "work," we fall down, we crawl some, we get back up and try something else, learn something new. It is OK. Be kind to yourself. Take it one day at a time. Go someplace quiet where you can think, alone. Exercise; it clears the mind.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 212
Thanks again everyone, this back and forth of emotions is so confusing, it's always helpful to get advice from people who have been there. I know my friends and family have my best interest at heart, but with that comes the fear of letting them down and the knowledge that my every move is being scrutinized...as well as abf's. Sometimes I think hearing how much they want me to get away from him has the opposite effect on me and I want to run back. Thought I outgrew that when I was a teenager, but I guess not. lol. Laurie does the Salvation Army have individual therapy programs or is it just rehab? I know he won't go for rehab, he just got a new job a few months ago and he will lose it if he goes inpatient...DOR child support will not look kindly on that either. Thanks!
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