lillamy

I don't know if this has any significance for your situation whatsoever but...

... when I left AXH, all my relationships changed.
I lost my best friend, and broke up with another good friend.
Two people who had always seen me as strong and capable started seeing me as a victim, and I didn't need that, so I stopped hanging out with them.

I can honestly say that making new friends after having been hurt, not only by AXH, but by the people I trusted would be there and support me, has made me feel very vulnerable when it comes to new friendships.

Don't get me wrong -- there were people who came out of the woodwork to help -- but it wasn't the people I thought. It wasn't the people I counted as close friends.

So I kind of doom potential new friendships before I give them a chance. There are times when I feel lonely -- but probably less so than you; I have kids who keep me busy and on my toes.

I don't know but is it possible that somehow, while you want friends, you're afraid to put yourself out there because of fear that you'll get hurt? I think that's largely how I'm functioning...

TakingCharge999

Ugh
lillamy
That is definitely how I am functioning...

lizatola

Me too! I see my 13 year old like this, too, and it hurts my heart to know that he's got a lot of my codependent character traits. He's one of the reasons that I continue to work on myself so that I can show him that there are other ways to be.

Hugs to you, Looking4ward, I know you're in a tough place! Yet, I feel a lot like you do and I've been married for 17 years. I know people who have 5 kids and family close by that are wonderful folks, yet these people are struggling with making friends and staying in touch, etc. Everyone's situation is different and we live in an instant gratification world. No one wants to take the time to really make new relationships because they're already bogged down with life as it is. I have hope that someday I'll meet some new friends who have 'time' and I pray that I am healthy enough emotionally so that I can take the time myself to open up to them and release my fear of being hurt by someone else, again.

JenT1968

ha! I told my councellor that if there is a room full of people all smiling at me and validating me and one person who wasn't - or I even thought wasn't - it would be the the percieved thoughts of that one person that would dominate my mind (it's not strictly true because if a room full of people were validating me or looking at me I'd run for the hills in embarrased fright).

making deep, long lasting, connected friends takes a long time. It builds slowly, and that doesn't matter (and isn't noticeable) when our friendship needs are already met, because as some friendships slowly wain/ or people enter new phases in their lives, we find we have been cultivating other friends, not out of a desperate need for them, but it has happened naturally that people we like, and who like us have stayed in contact and we've developed and deepened a friendship.

which is fine and dandy, except if you have a couple of major life events thrown in together: divorce/new job/new home/relocation/new baby and suddenly your friendship needs aren't met: people get incredibly lonely when these things happen, because making friends takes time.

When I was in college, and to a certain extent for a few years after, I met an enormous number of people of a similar age with wide ranging tastes and experiences, we'd stay up all night, drinking wine, listening to music, naively discussing art, books, music, politics, religion, you name it. Some of them I thought were idiots (and I'm sure they me) some I liked but didn't connect with particularly, or liked to socialise with but it was pretty shallow and I met a few really good friends.

We were all in the same situation: needing new friends, and we hot-housed that "getting to know you" process. and to a certain extent we were also bullet-proof, we had time, few resonsibilities, we were all experimenting with identity, feelings, who we were/what we thought/believed/hoped for - at times it was difficult, but as my dad said when I left for university - you will never again have the chance to meet so many new and interesting people, with the possibility of finding as many true life-long friends.

and now i'm older, and I'm still shy, I work in a small team, I have 2 small children, no time and few opportunities to socialise. Keeping in touch with my old friends is a struggle. and people live busy lives, my biggest successes in broadening my social horizons to date have been starting a book club, joining a community project and accepting invitations (some turned out great, other's horrible - you have to kiss a lot of frogs....).

Meeting new aquaintances is relatively easy, (and it sounds like you are doing fine on that score?) but shallow, and for some people that is the only depth they need or want. but I'm not 20 any more, I've lived a lot of life, not all of it great, I am still working on what my hopes and dreams are and I'm not going to spill that to every acquaintaince I meet in the hope of chancing accross a deep friendship - and honestly, I'd be as wary now of a deep friendship connection that occurred quickly as I would a deep romantic one, because in my lonnnnnng experience both tend to be false and transitory.

It's not you. It's circumstance and life. that doesn't help you change it though!

JenT1968

TC - my foO always operated on a system where if you need something (emotional support/a biscuit/whatever) you signal that by offering it to someone else or asking them about it e.g. "how are you feeling?", "are you OK?" "would you like a biscuit? which would be reciprocated with "I'm fine, are you OK?", "feel a bit rubbish, how about you?" or "no I'm full, but you have one if you're hungry".

which might seem a sort of upside-down system, but one that works fine when everyone knows the rules (and one that has a fine tradition in the UK at least in years gone past). Imagine my surprise and confusion when out in the non-family world I would go around signalling the fact that I needed something by asking other people about themselves, and blow-me-down if loads of them didn't just witter on for ages about how they felt, what a lousy day they'd had and whether they had eaten enough biscuits. Leaving them released from their worries, and me frustrated because I was unable to verbalise what I needed (no-one had given me permission to, by asking me).

To some extent I think this is cultural/generational and bound up with notions of what is "polite" and "good manners", I don't think it necessarily is about how much people think about others. Different families, cultures, ages, groups have different "rules" about these things, which are probably all equally valid as long as peple can get their needs met.
e.g for some people who operate by rules which are understood to be that if you need something you'll directly ask for it, inquiring how they are can seem intrusive, so they wait until you tell them what you need and then offer help.

I'm still no better at asking, but I can now recognise and laugh about it.

Live

my M.O.:

for some people who operate by rules which are understood to be that if you need something you'll directly ask for it, inquiring how they are can seem intrusive, so they wait until you tell them what you need and then offer help.

I wait for folks to tell me what they want to and are comfortable with. IF I am looking for suggestions and advice, I will communicate that too.

So my boundaries would seem cold and disinterested to many, I guess.

That's life, I guess.

I am still trying to figure out how to stop people from giving me unsolicited advice on any subject they choose.
To me, it is disrespecting me and a boundaries violation.

Florence

Heh. A major lesson for me was getting over the pathological need to be liked. Over time it's clearer and clearer that I really don't need to seek everyone's approval all the time, especially people who don't return my affection and energy, and sink my energy instead into the people and projects that are important to me.

I used to crumble under other people's disapproval. Now I think, "Who are you to me?" and more often than not, the answer is, "Nobody." Checking in like that gives me enough pause to figure out how much emotional gravity I want to assign to the situation or person I'm dealing with.