Still no friends, despite efforts [Vent Alert!]
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
My sympathies, this has been a hard one for me also, and I hear you about needing some extra love. I joined groups and dusted off old talents and interests, and I have made friends... but not close ones. I've kind of hit the wall there. It helps that I live in a city that's made up of more immigrants than natives to this state-- at any time there are lots of new people looking for folks to do stuff with. Which is a start, but it isn't friendship.
Oh, and as for correcting people... or when they try to correct me and I really know what I'm talking about, I've learned to let it go. I know the scope of my knowledge and intelligence. Everyone else doesn't need to. (And I sincerely hope I know where my knowledge and intelligence end as well.)
Oh, and as for correcting people... or when they try to correct me and I really know what I'm talking about, I've learned to let it go. I know the scope of my knowledge and intelligence. Everyone else doesn't need to. (And I sincerely hope I know where my knowledge and intelligence end as well.)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I know this may sound weird, but do you have a dog? I keep thinking that if I split with my AH, I would like to get a dog for companionship. My cousin is 34 and has never been married but she has a dog and that dog is her best friend. She has tried the dating thing, the bar scene, etc but really she struggles with friendships, as well. She's in Denver and she finds her peace by just going for a hike with her dog. Who needs lumpy soft brained men when you can have a dog who just loves you unconditionally even on days when your hair is unkempt and you only want to wear 20 year old sweatpants and a White Snake T-shirt?
Now, I know that dogs don't appeal to everyone nor are they a good fit depending on your lifestyle, just thought I'd share! As for the lumpy guys out there, I feel the same way and I'm still married. My AH has put on so much weight in the past 5 years and I'm not really attracted to him physically yet I spend time taking care of myself and I wonder; what for? I feel for you, I have trouble making friends and I get jealous of my acquaintances who seem to have a full social calendar and never seem to have time to fit me in. We live in a busy world and people's priorities are just messed up. My mom told me that her social life blossomed when she was in her 50's. She said that all those years before that she found that friends were hard to come by and friends were more acquaintances more so that being confidantes. I keep hoping that someday I will have some really good friends to spend time with, whether I'm married or not.
Now, I know that dogs don't appeal to everyone nor are they a good fit depending on your lifestyle, just thought I'd share! As for the lumpy guys out there, I feel the same way and I'm still married. My AH has put on so much weight in the past 5 years and I'm not really attracted to him physically yet I spend time taking care of myself and I wonder; what for? I feel for you, I have trouble making friends and I get jealous of my acquaintances who seem to have a full social calendar and never seem to have time to fit me in. We live in a busy world and people's priorities are just messed up. My mom told me that her social life blossomed when she was in her 50's. She said that all those years before that she found that friends were hard to come by and friends were more acquaintances more so that being confidantes. I keep hoping that someday I will have some really good friends to spend time with, whether I'm married or not.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
I made a whole new group of friends just from FB. A lot of people from my high school.
Everyone adds everyone and then everyone gets invited to an "event". I say yes to 50% of the invites I receive even when I don't know a soul going.
The women I hang with now are all my age (45) and single. Have not seen them since high school and we all connected again on FB, and one girl offered to cook dinner, so we all met up at one girls house to have dinner and we now try to hang once a month.
With men, I'm shy, with other women, I can call them up and say "hey, let's go hang out" , you would be surprised how many women like you are lonely and looking for someone to invite them out.
Find some new friends on FB and have a dinner at your place or ask them to meet you for a coffee or something....like dating for friends :-)
Everyone adds everyone and then everyone gets invited to an "event". I say yes to 50% of the invites I receive even when I don't know a soul going.
The women I hang with now are all my age (45) and single. Have not seen them since high school and we all connected again on FB, and one girl offered to cook dinner, so we all met up at one girls house to have dinner and we now try to hang once a month.
With men, I'm shy, with other women, I can call them up and say "hey, let's go hang out" , you would be surprised how many women like you are lonely and looking for someone to invite them out.
Find some new friends on FB and have a dinner at your place or ask them to meet you for a coffee or something....like dating for friends :-)
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I hope things get better for you.
When I"m feeling lonely I remember something one of my Elders told me:
We are born alone and die alone, but spend our lives sometimes in the presence of others.
At first this horribly depressed me, as I was wailing about being lonely when he told me this. But it was the catalyst for me to actively work on loving myself and enjoying being alone.
When I"m feeling lonely I remember something one of my Elders told me:
We are born alone and die alone, but spend our lives sometimes in the presence of others.
At first this horribly depressed me, as I was wailing about being lonely when he told me this. But it was the catalyst for me to actively work on loving myself and enjoying being alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 106
What I'm hearing from many of you is that friends aren't always a given in a person's life. That when we have friends, we ought to count ourselves lucky.
I think I've also thought a little bit about the concept that we find what we are looking for in terms of disappointments.
I've analysed my feelings on this and no, that's not true, I have not been expecting disappointment, but a camaraderie that I think was too much to expect from the situations I was in. In essence, I wasn't looking at the situations (or the people they involved) for what they were, but how they didn't match up to how I wanted them to be. So, I wan't looking for disappointment, but that's what I ended up with.
Another thing I can say is how I've mentioned that I haven't exchanged phone numbers with people or had anybody offer to hang out again. And this is where I will agree with the posters here. That has not happened because I have not done this. I don't mean to say that I must be an initiator in all circumstances, but it is like a mirror image. If I cannot do such an action, how can I expect others to exhibit it as well?
So, as an experiment, I will try that this week and report back to you all.
In any case, I know where it comes from. I still struggle with major issues of insecurity, sometimes when I am talking with someone, I can be bright and lively during the conversation, but when it's over, there's something in my head that says, "That person was really cool, there's no way s/he would want to hang out with someone as messed up as I am."
And then the cycle begins again.
P.S. This just might be My pet peeve, but I really respond poorly to people giving me suggestions à la "You should...", as in "You should go to church to meet people", or "You should get a dog."
How do you know I'm not a pastor, or that I keep a pack in my back yard. I know you guys mean well. Like I said, it's probably just me 'cause I have, like, a HUGE chip on my shoulder, just thought I'd throw it out there.
I think I've also thought a little bit about the concept that we find what we are looking for in terms of disappointments.
I've analysed my feelings on this and no, that's not true, I have not been expecting disappointment, but a camaraderie that I think was too much to expect from the situations I was in. In essence, I wasn't looking at the situations (or the people they involved) for what they were, but how they didn't match up to how I wanted them to be. So, I wan't looking for disappointment, but that's what I ended up with.
Another thing I can say is how I've mentioned that I haven't exchanged phone numbers with people or had anybody offer to hang out again. And this is where I will agree with the posters here. That has not happened because I have not done this. I don't mean to say that I must be an initiator in all circumstances, but it is like a mirror image. If I cannot do such an action, how can I expect others to exhibit it as well?
So, as an experiment, I will try that this week and report back to you all.
In any case, I know where it comes from. I still struggle with major issues of insecurity, sometimes when I am talking with someone, I can be bright and lively during the conversation, but when it's over, there's something in my head that says, "That person was really cool, there's no way s/he would want to hang out with someone as messed up as I am."
And then the cycle begins again.
P.S. This just might be My pet peeve, but I really respond poorly to people giving me suggestions à la "You should...", as in "You should go to church to meet people", or "You should get a dog."
How do you know I'm not a pastor, or that I keep a pack in my back yard. I know you guys mean well. Like I said, it's probably just me 'cause I have, like, a HUGE chip on my shoulder, just thought I'd throw it out there.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
There really have only been two times in my life when I had a lot of friends. When I was in school (K-12) and when I was a drunken partier. Once I got sober I found out that, out of all those people, there were really no true friends. They were just fellow partiers who only cared about partying.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Looking: happy you're putting some good positive spins on this.
Meh, don't sit and wait for someone to come knocking, get out there and embrace the world.
I am all for allowing things to come to you, but you also need to grab the bull by the horns in order to get what you want.
I would be sitting alone every weekend if I didn't make calls to others to hang out. Then these friends tell me, if I didn't call them, they would be alone watching tv on a weekend. Well they are shy, so let me reach out.
Looking forward to the results of your experiment :-)
Meh, don't sit and wait for someone to come knocking, get out there and embrace the world.
I am all for allowing things to come to you, but you also need to grab the bull by the horns in order to get what you want.
I would be sitting alone every weekend if I didn't make calls to others to hang out. Then these friends tell me, if I didn't call them, they would be alone watching tv on a weekend. Well they are shy, so let me reach out.
Looking forward to the results of your experiment :-)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I really don't hear anyone 'shoulding' you on these boards. We are here to offer our ESH and give suggestions of things to try, if you haven't already. With anything in life, you can take what you like and leave the rest.
I tried very hard to not 'should' you in my post about the dog. I specifically asked at first if you even had one(or a pack, LOL). Again, just offering some experience and not trying to tell you what to do. I hope you find some peace in your life this week and enjoy another beautiful sunset! Some weeks are harder than others and I know that everyone here on the boards has been through their own personal trials so we understand the 'funks' probably better than most. Hang in there! Sending you lots of support today.
I tried very hard to not 'should' you in my post about the dog. I specifically asked at first if you even had one(or a pack, LOL). Again, just offering some experience and not trying to tell you what to do. I hope you find some peace in your life this week and enjoy another beautiful sunset! Some weeks are harder than others and I know that everyone here on the boards has been through their own personal trials so we understand the 'funks' probably better than most. Hang in there! Sending you lots of support today.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I think it gets more difficult to make new friends as you get older, frankly.
Not only am I more set in my ways -- so is everybody else.
I'm close to 50, and I find that a lot of people my age are sort of sandwiched between supporting kids in college and parents heading into assisted living situations -- and my coworkers who are in their 40s are busy tending to younger children and home remodels, etc. It seems to me that people just seem to be busy with their family lives and don't really have time the same way we did in our 20s and 30s, kwim?
As for dating -- some of my friends have had great success with online dating sites. What they like is that you get some time to chat and test the waters and see if there's any kind of compatibility possible before you meet and waste an evening only to realize that this isn't ever gonna work. I have a couple of good friends who have been online dating for a few years, and while they haven't found a life partner, they've made a lot of friends... AND not to frighten you... I have one friend who found a life partner online and moved to Alaska...
And sure, if you go out with an attitude that "everyone sucks," that's what you're going to see -- just like when you look for red cars, you'll see a lot more red cars than on any other day. But I find, just like you, and just looking for friendships, that I'm often disappointed in how shallow the conversations are and how little I seem to have in common with many people I meet.
You know the saying "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince"? Well, I think that's somewhat true with friends, too. When we get older, we don't have the same rubbing shoulders with a big assortment of people every day like in school, or the going out for drinks with coworkers after work. It's just harder to find likeminded people.
And honestly? I couldn't cut it on the east coast. I really couldn't. It just seems the tempo and the keeping up with the Joneses is much more pronounced there...
Not only am I more set in my ways -- so is everybody else.
I'm close to 50, and I find that a lot of people my age are sort of sandwiched between supporting kids in college and parents heading into assisted living situations -- and my coworkers who are in their 40s are busy tending to younger children and home remodels, etc. It seems to me that people just seem to be busy with their family lives and don't really have time the same way we did in our 20s and 30s, kwim?
As for dating -- some of my friends have had great success with online dating sites. What they like is that you get some time to chat and test the waters and see if there's any kind of compatibility possible before you meet and waste an evening only to realize that this isn't ever gonna work. I have a couple of good friends who have been online dating for a few years, and while they haven't found a life partner, they've made a lot of friends... AND not to frighten you... I have one friend who found a life partner online and moved to Alaska...
And sure, if you go out with an attitude that "everyone sucks," that's what you're going to see -- just like when you look for red cars, you'll see a lot more red cars than on any other day. But I find, just like you, and just looking for friendships, that I'm often disappointed in how shallow the conversations are and how little I seem to have in common with many people I meet.
You know the saying "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince"? Well, I think that's somewhat true with friends, too. When we get older, we don't have the same rubbing shoulders with a big assortment of people every day like in school, or the going out for drinks with coworkers after work. It's just harder to find likeminded people.
And honestly? I couldn't cut it on the east coast. I really couldn't. It just seems the tempo and the keeping up with the Joneses is much more pronounced there...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Since I started this journey, I find myself really fragile at times. I feel like I need to be handled with care, and that I want someone to hear me out and validate what I'm feeling. So much of being the SO to an addict is learning how to ignore what we need and think.
I love these boards, I do, but I think a lot of us here are eager to correct the other posters, bully them into making good decisions, and berate them or react with over-the-top exasperation when they don't do what we want them to do. That may not be what we intended or wanted in our hearts, but it's what happens. Frankly, we're all here because we have problems with codependency, and that's exactly how our behavior plays out on one another. Talking about all this is extremely triggering in a lot of ways, whether that means it makes us feel extra vulnerable to criticism, or extra critical and judgmental. I've seen/done/felt both on here myself.
I love these boards, I do, but I think a lot of us here are eager to correct the other posters, bully them into making good decisions, and berate them or react with over-the-top exasperation when they don't do what we want them to do. That may not be what we intended or wanted in our hearts, but it's what happens. Frankly, we're all here because we have problems with codependency, and that's exactly how our behavior plays out on one another. Talking about all this is extremely triggering in a lot of ways, whether that means it makes us feel extra vulnerable to criticism, or extra critical and judgmental. I've seen/done/felt both on here myself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Have you tried Meetup.org? It's a terrific website that lists groups by interest ... hiking, reading, languages, politics, singles, etc. It's much easier to meet people when you have something in common with them. I learned I love hiking by joining a group that schedules day hikes in the area.
Regarding dating, the older you are the tougher it is to meet someone you like. A very good looking guy in his 40's went on 62 dates before meeting the woman he married.
Regarding dating, the older you are the tougher it is to meet someone you like. A very good looking guy in his 40's went on 62 dates before meeting the woman he married.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 106
Sunday night is al-anon; Monday is either Manhattan French group (found through Meetup) or it's my friend who runs a bluegrass night; Tuesday I have to work late, Wednesday is open, but there's a Williamsburg French group I go to sometimes; Thursday is Buddhism study with my meditation group and Friday is open, but I have a couple of girl students I can usually con into a drink; Saturday morning is a 2-hour meditation followed by a brief reception.
My dog is named Willow, she is an adorable 5-yr-old pit mix. I also meet people while I'm walking her.
I think I have a hard time opening up to people. Daily conversations I seem fine with, but it feels like I'm expecting the kind of friendships I had in my earlier days to just fall into my lap.
My dog is named Willow, she is an adorable 5-yr-old pit mix. I also meet people while I'm walking her.
I think I have a hard time opening up to people. Daily conversations I seem fine with, but it feels like I'm expecting the kind of friendships I had in my earlier days to just fall into my lap.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I totally get it Looking.... I'm battling lonliness a lot of the time because I ENJOY sharing my life but I'm also so burned out & turned off by bad relationships. In everything I've gone through with RAH I lost a LOT of friends for a huge variety of reasons. I finally realized that *right now* I'm better off without friends than to be surrounded by more dysfunction. It's a trust issue for sure - I'm afraid to invite more crazies into my world. 
I'm trying to step out & meet people but I'm not pushing it unless something really & truly "clicks".
I'm trying to step out & meet people but I'm not pushing it unless something really & truly "clicks".
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Looking4ward 
What I'm hearing from many of you is that friends aren't always a given in a person's life. That when we have friends, we ought to count ourselves lucky.
I think I've also thought a little bit about the concept that we find what we are looking for in terms of disappointments.
I've analysed my feelings on this and no, that's not true, I have not been expecting disappointment, but a camaraderie that I think was too much to expect from the situations I was in. In essence, I wasn't looking at the situations (or the people they involved) for what they were, but how they didn't match up to how I wanted them to be. So, I wan't looking for disappointment, but that's what I ended up with.
P.S. This just might be My pet peeve, but I really respond poorly to people giving me suggestions à la "You should...", as in "You should go to church to meet people", or "You should get a dog."
How do you know I'm not a pastor, or that I keep a pack in my back yard. I know you guys mean well. Like I said, it's probably just me 'cause I have, like, a HUGE chip on my shoulder, just thought I'd throw it out there.
I think I've also thought a little bit about the concept that we find what we are looking for in terms of disappointments.
I've analysed my feelings on this and no, that's not true, I have not been expecting disappointment, but a camaraderie that I think was too much to expect from the situations I was in. In essence, I wasn't looking at the situations (or the people they involved) for what they were, but how they didn't match up to how I wanted them to be. So, I wan't looking for disappointment, but that's what I ended up with.
P.S. This just might be My pet peeve, but I really respond poorly to people giving me suggestions à la "You should...", as in "You should go to church to meet people", or "You should get a dog."
How do you know I'm not a pastor, or that I keep a pack in my back yard. I know you guys mean well. Like I said, it's probably just me 'cause I have, like, a HUGE chip on my shoulder, just thought I'd throw it out there.
While I appreciate you acknowledging your defensiveness above, throwing it out there only exacerbates the uncomfortableness of someone picking apart others' thoughts, opinions, or friendly suggestions. It's irritating and a turn off to have someone with their hackles up around me. I can feel it, even if the "action" isn't there. Defensive people have an energy about them - anxious and tense and looking for things to go wrong.
If you know we mean well on this thread, why go about correcting us in this fashion? And I mean this as an honest, gentle question to yourself. Being a friend, again IMHO, is about acceptance, understanding, and compassion. Similar to any intimate relationship...
I hope you decide to take what works with my post above and leave the rest!
Take good care,
~T
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 106
Yeah Tuffgirl, I only heard it only a few hours after I posted it.
For a few hours I even beat myself up over it - feeling guilty, feeling ashamed that I wasn't enlightened enough, embarrassed because I wasn't as nice as I like to think of myself as.
But... I guess the moral of the story isn't that I was defensive, or even that one could look at my comments and say, "THIS is why you don't have friends!"
No... it's why I got defensive in the first place.
I got defensive because I was thinking, "What's with this?!? Don't they Know I have a dog, take classes, visit meetup, etc....?!? Don't they know I am polite, smiley, friendly, curious?"
But of course you don't know!!! That's the limitation of SR. Yet another version of going to the hardware store for milk!
My point is, I know me. I wish I was more content with that. I had a moment when I got upset because of a bad date, and then I got More upset here because I didn't get the validation I expected, with a HUGE emphasis on expectation.
So... just to say I know who I am, what my life is about and what is most important to me, and I don't need to explain that to anyone unless I want to and there's no need to get bothered by words or actions that don't affect me.
For a few hours I even beat myself up over it - feeling guilty, feeling ashamed that I wasn't enlightened enough, embarrassed because I wasn't as nice as I like to think of myself as.
But... I guess the moral of the story isn't that I was defensive, or even that one could look at my comments and say, "THIS is why you don't have friends!"
No... it's why I got defensive in the first place.
I got defensive because I was thinking, "What's with this?!? Don't they Know I have a dog, take classes, visit meetup, etc....?!? Don't they know I am polite, smiley, friendly, curious?"
But of course you don't know!!! That's the limitation of SR. Yet another version of going to the hardware store for milk!
My point is, I know me. I wish I was more content with that. I had a moment when I got upset because of a bad date, and then I got More upset here because I didn't get the validation I expected, with a HUGE emphasis on expectation.
So... just to say I know who I am, what my life is about and what is most important to me, and I don't need to explain that to anyone unless I want to and there's no need to get bothered by words or actions that don't affect me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Looking4ward
And another thing... Why do I have such a need to be understood and validated by Everyone?
P.S. I don't have any "friends" as we would define it by society's pop culture sitcom-based standards. But I do have "friends" as I define them in context to my own needs. And to me - that's whats important. What I think.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
That is codependency right ? overestimation of others ?
Well I know how it feels, the alienation feelings. I am good at asking other people how they are, with honest interest.. then I have noticed lately no one answers back "and how are YOU?"...
3.5 years in this city and just a handful of "friends" but not like the ones I have made before whom I can truly trust. At least my picker is working better now and I can see some characteristics I do not want near me. Today I was taking a course and people kept talking about their abs (!) and about others in a cruel manner. I felt I was in a snake pit.
There is some teaching in all this, for now to continue feeding from my own self love and trying to stay in touch with nature and HP. And with the old true friends even if they are away now.
PS Sometimes I get a bad vibe from some people in this forum but its an open place for discussion, if we are sharing it is because we wish to hear other perspectives right?
Being it the Internet I still feel the vast majority here has the best intentions...
Hugs.
Well I know how it feels, the alienation feelings. I am good at asking other people how they are, with honest interest.. then I have noticed lately no one answers back "and how are YOU?"...
3.5 years in this city and just a handful of "friends" but not like the ones I have made before whom I can truly trust. At least my picker is working better now and I can see some characteristics I do not want near me. Today I was taking a course and people kept talking about their abs (!) and about others in a cruel manner. I felt I was in a snake pit.
There is some teaching in all this, for now to continue feeding from my own self love and trying to stay in touch with nature and HP. And with the old true friends even if they are away now.
PS Sometimes I get a bad vibe from some people in this forum but its an open place for discussion, if we are sharing it is because we wish to hear other perspectives right?
Being it the Internet I still feel the vast majority here has the best intentions...
Hugs.
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