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Ended it, Part 8: The email

Old 07-07-2012, 07:15 PM
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Ended it, Part 8: The email

Short recap: Broke Up with ABF last week -- after he was a drunken jerk right before my birthday (and essentially flaked out on helping me move). Mostly No Contact since.

Today I woke up with a long e-mail from XABF sent at 6:30 am. It was, I believe, from the heart. Long e-mail short: He's ashamed and embarrassed for letting me, my friends, family and himself down and he's brokenhearted over losing his love/best friend. He admits he has a problem. He says he's going to get help. Most are words I've heard in the past, and I recognize -- without any action behind them, -- they are just that. Words.

He did not ask me to take him back or suggest that we reconcile. Either he recognizes it's too late/he really crossed the line this time ... or he's hoping my soft-hearted (sucker?) codie self will be swayed into accepting him back eventually. I resolve to stay strong. I am not going back to that life and I'm not going backward.

I replied only to tell him I got his message and to answer one question -- he asked about church protocol. We both started back at mass together and after lots of searching, we finally found a service/priest we both like. I told him I was going to continue going to to the same mass as always (I'm not going to give something spiritually fulfilling I look forward to each week). And I said he should do what feels best for him.

Whether I'll write more eventually, I don't know. I have a lot of feelings but couldn't begin to organize them at all right now. I'm having trouble processing everything right now -- I'm exhausted (haven't been sleeping great), and unsettled (I just moved into a new place and it's not quite home yet) and sad (lots of tears today) and overwhelmed (nearly had a breakdown in the Container Store today trying to decide on bathroom accessories). I'm just going to do what feels natural when it's time. Today, that was getting a massage, brunch with girlfriends, a nap, sobbing and shopping.

I appreciated his email, as I felt it showed character and conscience. I am glad he is beginning to be real with himself and taking responsibility (plus, this acknowledgment reminds me I'm not crazy -- I didn't do anything wrong. I know that of course, but life within A seriously skews reality and screws with a head). I do hope he follows through on his promise -- and I hope it was made for his benefit, not mine.

Just needed to express all this. Thanks so much for listening!
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Old 07-07-2012, 07:24 PM
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hugs to you today!
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Old 07-07-2012, 08:23 PM
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Old Mcdonald had a duck E I E i O!! With a QUACK QUACK here and a QUACK QUACK there!! This sounds like another play at manipulation. Youve been on this site for almost 2 yrs so i know that you have read all about an alcoholics behavior and the sad sob stories they throw our way about "regret" and "guilt" after yet ANOTHER mistake theyve made QUACK QUACK QUACK. This email WAS an attempt to mess with your head. Maybe not right away but eventually. Its something he wants to linger around in your brain and computer. Trust me ive had experience so this is not meant to be harsh. After i finally left my XABF after 4 yrs of pure insanity on my part and his he calls me to say that hes sorry, hes the one who f***ed everything up, im wonderful, anybody would be lucky to have me, & he misses me with all his heart QUACK. He then finished it by asking to come over that night to "spend time with our son." HA! Subtlety was never his best alcoholic tool but nevertheless i declined and arranged for them to spend time at the park a couple days later.&Since i had CHOSEN,finally, not to put up with the bs or play into his games he hasnt attempted to call me with anymore quackery or to spend time with our DS for that matter. NOTHING an active alcoholic says is sincere. EVERYTHING they do is an attempt to keep control or get a drink so please dont trick yourself into believing hes finally realizing the seriousness of his behavior and actually feels bad about it. Hes not taking responsibility for anything hes trying to reel you back in slowly but surely. Im glad youre keeping a firm mindset and continue to stay strong. Maybe go NC? The church question has been answered, you dont live with each other or have children together. IJS
PS:Why was he awake at 630am? Up early for work or an all night bender?
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Old 07-08-2012, 07:04 AM
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Hi jessiec

I'm afraid I agree with WIP on this - smacks of emotional blackmail/manipulation or whatever you want to call it.

Originally Posted by jessiec View Post
Either he recognizes it's too late/he really crossed the line this time ... or he's hoping my soft-hearted (sucker?) codie self will be swayed into accepting him back eventually.
Sorry to say, but I think the latter is probably the case here.

Glad to hear you are staying strong though. SOunds like No Contact is definitely the way to go.

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