Bluebonnet1

I guess I need to continue reading Codependent No More...now that xabf and I have gone a week "incident free", and he stopped calling as often, I miss him more. He says I'm his rock and that he wants nothing more than to be with me. It's hard because all of those fears and frustrations aren't as fresh in my mind, and despite getting together with friends or going to Al Anon almost every night this past week, I feel lonely. How do I remember that this is not the man I need to be with?? I know everyone on the boards say it's all about manipulation. I can't rescue him, which is my typical MO.

tjp613

May I suggest going back and reading every single one of your posts?

Learn2Live

Oh no you are not losing your resolve.

Are you stuck in sentimental mode? Thinking about all the "love" and good times? Did you make a list of everything you dislike about him, everything that didn't work, everything he did that pi$$es you off? You are not looking at who he REALLY is, you are only looking at the part you loved and wanted full-time. The bad comes with the good. He cannot be who you want him to be. He is NOT who you want him to be. He is not a good choice.

This is total bull$hit. First of all, you cannot be expected to be ANYONE's rock, except for a minor or otherwise dependent child. THAT is sick. EVERYONE has to be THEIR OWN rock. You can lean on people a little during rough times and crisis but if you need a rock, then you are a WEAKLING. Weaklings make horrible boyfriends and even worse spouses.

Second, that is untrue that he wants nothing more than to be with you. He is an alcoholic. He wants to drink more than he wants to be with you.

I don't feel lonely unless I think I want to be with someone. I have practiced being alone and now love it. I used to be afraid to be alone. I used to get lonely. Now, I just love the silence. It's just like anything else Bluebonnet, you have to practice being alone, and let go of what you think you want, to become okay with being just with yourself. I am enough for me. You are enough for you. You do not need a man in your life. They are a much bigger pain in the a$$ than most of us realize. Look at the divorce rate. It's over 50%. Half of all women who get married decide they no longer want to be be married. Think about it.

Just my thoughts. Hope something here helps.

Pelican

And may I add this tip:

make notes of all the reasons why you are separating, then carry those notes with you everyday.

I kept a piece of paper in the coin purse of my wallet. It had all the reasons listed as a reminder.
Mine looked something like this:

_______'s love comes with:
lies
manipulations
minimizing
blameshifting
financial disaster
legal issues

jessiec

The list is a good idea! I made one ... all the things I wouldn't miss my AXBF! Everything from his tantrums when his sports team loses, to the stale smell of alcohol on his skin the next day, to his morning smoker's cough.

Um, I came up with 66 things! And counting!

Bluebonnet1

Thanks peeps. I'm not sleeping well again so I know I'm just tired and extra emotional. Y'all reminded me of an email I sent myself of a list of "concerns" from my iPad. I had to go all the way back to May 7th to find it, so even though it took another month to finally breakup, i did it for all of those reasons. And I'm sure there is a lot more I can add to that list!!

Learn2Live

Hang in there. Right there with you.

tjp613

Also helpful is to make a list of pros and cons! I remember doing that once and the list of cons was 51 items long. The list of pros had 3 on it. 'Nuf said and further deliberations were not necessary. I kept it handy.

Hope today is better, sweetie. We know how you feel......well, except for Anvilhead.

laurie6781

Here is some things I found out very quickly once I was living alone:

1) no dirty coffee cups all over the house because it was too far to take them to the sink, rinse and put in dishwasher.

2) no more dirty ash trays piled high with cig butts, again too much trouble to empty.

3) no more dirty clothes left on floor where he disrobed 4 feet from clothes hamper. I even went so far as to not wash anything that was not in the hamper. When he ran out of T shirts, socks, and jockeys, ......................... he just went and bought more, go figure.

4) no more oil and grease tracked in from the garage where he worked on 'his' cars and motorcycles.

5) no more loud music or TV at 4am, unless I was having a sleepless night

and on and on and on

lonely, not after I stop romanticizing the few good times we had together.

Keep you list handy of EVERYTHING that really ****#d you off about the whole relationship and believe it or not, this will get a lot easier very quickly.

Continue to work on YOU. Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

Tuffgirl

I remember in my early SR days hearing this...give it time...one day at a time...wait a year...blah blah time wait patience blah blah blah.

I wanted everything to happen right now. The more I waited for things to change, the more impatient I got. And then it hit me...if I stopped expecting anything, stopped 'waiting' so to speak, and started focusing on me and living my life, the whole concept of one day at a time made sense. Giving things a year made sense.

Accepting the right here, right now is crucial. That way, when there are nice moments, you can enjoy them, not wonder if he has finally CHANGED and you can get back to the relationship you want to have with him. That will come in time - as we say here a lot...more to be revealed.

One day at a time...I get it now.

Learn2Live

"Alone," to me, means:
No one in my house complaining day after day after day. No one here blaming other people for their problems and judging other people constantly. No one here creating their own problems and then panicking about them 24/7 until I fix them for him. No one here moving my stuff around. No one here demanding things be done THEIR way. No one here threatening to kill themselves if they don't get their way. No one here creating giant projects and then leaving them unfinished. No one here being ungrateful for everything I do. No one here ignoring me and my needs. No one here being selfish, selfish, selfish.

Bluebonnet1

Well, a good night's sleep did wonders. I actually ran into him at church today. He asked if he could come get some things, so he did, but the whole time he was lamenting what happened and apologizing, and beating himself up, I felt very "detached with love". I didn't miss him at all! The house got a little quiet this afternoon, but then it finally stopped raining so I could wash the car. I'm trying to quit smoking, so cleaning up the inside should motivate me not to smoke on my commute. Little victories for myself, that is what I will focus on.

So a big thanks to everyone for the tips, and tuff girl, for reminding me to focus on myself instead of "wAiting". I honestly didn't realize that I was subconsciously doing that. Have to reprogram to put myself first. I started reading "Feel the Fear and do it anyway" b Susan Jeffers. Helped me through my divorce, will help me with this and the potential job move. Too much going on in my own dang life to worr about hm!!

Goodnight all!

wicked

I have "Feel the Fear" by Susan Forward. I am going to get it out again.
Been surfing the web, many many things I can do to improve my self and my life.
I am me, without a man, or with a man.
I need to learn more about me, and spend less time with men who do not have the time for me.

Beth

carmel01

oh blue bonnet, i can empathise with you, yes, you miss them like crazy, and at the same time you have to keep telling yourself how much stronger you are getting with each day that passes. love the list idea, going to do that myself... i know its going to be a long one

pinkdog

Yes. Posts can be a journal. You can go back and see how your attitudes have changed. It is helpful. :ghug3

phoenixlady

Tuffgirl's words are very wise. It is a journey back to yourself. Been there with first husband who had drug problem now this one who has a alcoholic problem, You think I would have learned my leassons the forst time. Guess that is why I am going thru this again. Am learning very quickly this time. One day at a time and be true to myself!! Keeping my eyes on myself and working to secure my future so I am on better footing for things to come.