Between a rock and a hard place
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Frederick, MD
Posts: 13
Between a rock and a hard place
I suppose that I should begin with a brief introduction- Hi. I'm Sharon. I am 26 and the boyfriend that I have been living with for two years is an alcoholic and is addicted to marijuana. Things started to decline after the honeymoon phase. We drank together because we're young, enjoyed being carefree while trying to figure out what it means to be adults.
Shortly after we began dating, I got the call that I was hired as a full time teacher. Nick was by my side while I navigated the hellish first year of teaching. My second year went by much smoother, I didn't need his emotional support as much. As I got busier with school things, we began to drift apart. It wasn't until I was reconnecting with a friend from high school that I started to really speak about what our relationship had slipped into- he's emotionally distant; moderately immature; and when I need him to step up and be a man, he lets me down time and time again.
It took saying everything out loud for my brain to actually register what was going on. I mentioned to my friend how I hate how much pot he smokes and how much he drinks. My friend stopped dead and said, "Sharon, do you realize how it all adds up? Everything you've ever told me about your boyfriend can all be linked to his substance abuse."
Let me just state for the record that he's never hit me and never lashed out at me. I'm the kind of person who never yells; who cries when she's angry.
Anyway, after all of this I finally can be open enough to say it: My boyfriend is an addict and it's killing whatever relationship we could have had. He's chosen his drug of choice over our relationship time and time again and I won't be pulled down by it. If I stay in this too much longer, I will have a hard time pulling down all the walls I am putting up. So this is growing up...
Here is the really hard part- I need to talk to him about how his substance abuse makes me feel. I need to tell him that it's not okay anymore and how it is undermining everything good that we once had. I need to ask him- no- tell him that I want him to seek treatment if we are ever going to work.
Here is the really, really hard part- I will have to deal with a tremendous amount of guilt by confronting this. If he goes to rehab, he will probably lose his job, have to drop out of school and will compromise the custody arrangement with his 5-year old son. It's my decision that starts that whirlwind. If he doesn't go to rehab, I will have to kick him out (as the one with an income, I'm not going anywhere) and he will have to fend for himself. His life will get a whole lot harder either way- all because of my decision to upset the status quo.
I've been in and out of tears all day. I've already begun to mourn the relationship that we had and what it could have been if he hadn't let it get this out of hand. I dread him walking in the door from work (from a restaurant- where alcohol and pot are practically the norm) because I know that this will be written all over my face. He knows our relationship is in dire straights because we've had three intense talks about how he needs to start treating me better in the last 12 days. I'm so terrified to see the hurt in his eyes, that look of betrayal and panic when I bring this up to him.
I just thought it would be kind of cathartic to get it out. I suppose part of being a for-real grown-up is realizing that I need help in this too. Even if he doesn't get treatment, maybe I should go to a support group for friends and family of alcoholics and substance abusers. I don't want to hear my friend say "Every time I look at you, you seem fragile- like you're about to burst into tears at any moment" ever again.
Shortly after we began dating, I got the call that I was hired as a full time teacher. Nick was by my side while I navigated the hellish first year of teaching. My second year went by much smoother, I didn't need his emotional support as much. As I got busier with school things, we began to drift apart. It wasn't until I was reconnecting with a friend from high school that I started to really speak about what our relationship had slipped into- he's emotionally distant; moderately immature; and when I need him to step up and be a man, he lets me down time and time again.
It took saying everything out loud for my brain to actually register what was going on. I mentioned to my friend how I hate how much pot he smokes and how much he drinks. My friend stopped dead and said, "Sharon, do you realize how it all adds up? Everything you've ever told me about your boyfriend can all be linked to his substance abuse."
Let me just state for the record that he's never hit me and never lashed out at me. I'm the kind of person who never yells; who cries when she's angry.
Anyway, after all of this I finally can be open enough to say it: My boyfriend is an addict and it's killing whatever relationship we could have had. He's chosen his drug of choice over our relationship time and time again and I won't be pulled down by it. If I stay in this too much longer, I will have a hard time pulling down all the walls I am putting up. So this is growing up...
Here is the really hard part- I need to talk to him about how his substance abuse makes me feel. I need to tell him that it's not okay anymore and how it is undermining everything good that we once had. I need to ask him- no- tell him that I want him to seek treatment if we are ever going to work.
Here is the really, really hard part- I will have to deal with a tremendous amount of guilt by confronting this. If he goes to rehab, he will probably lose his job, have to drop out of school and will compromise the custody arrangement with his 5-year old son. It's my decision that starts that whirlwind. If he doesn't go to rehab, I will have to kick him out (as the one with an income, I'm not going anywhere) and he will have to fend for himself. His life will get a whole lot harder either way- all because of my decision to upset the status quo.
I've been in and out of tears all day. I've already begun to mourn the relationship that we had and what it could have been if he hadn't let it get this out of hand. I dread him walking in the door from work (from a restaurant- where alcohol and pot are practically the norm) because I know that this will be written all over my face. He knows our relationship is in dire straights because we've had three intense talks about how he needs to start treating me better in the last 12 days. I'm so terrified to see the hurt in his eyes, that look of betrayal and panic when I bring this up to him.
I just thought it would be kind of cathartic to get it out. I suppose part of being a for-real grown-up is realizing that I need help in this too. Even if he doesn't get treatment, maybe I should go to a support group for friends and family of alcoholics and substance abusers. I don't want to hear my friend say "Every time I look at you, you seem fragile- like you're about to burst into tears at any moment" ever again.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You have found a wonderful resource for information and support.
When I first arrived, I learned about the 3 C's of addiction:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
It took some time to accept that concept, but when I finally did - I was able to take my focus off the addict and start to focus on taking better care of myself.
Your boyfriend is an adult. Time to let him deal with the consequences of his choice to use an illegal drug and choice to drink.
Alanon meetings also gave me the tools for life relationships. I use those tools in professional, personal and intimate relationships. I will give you the same advice given to me about Alanon meetings: try six meetings before you decide if Alanon is right for you.
You have found a wonderful resource for information and support.
When I first arrived, I learned about the 3 C's of addiction:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
It took some time to accept that concept, but when I finally did - I was able to take my focus off the addict and start to focus on taking better care of myself.
Your boyfriend is an adult. Time to let him deal with the consequences of his choice to use an illegal drug and choice to drink.
Alanon meetings also gave me the tools for life relationships. I use those tools in professional, personal and intimate relationships. I will give you the same advice given to me about Alanon meetings: try six meetings before you decide if Alanon is right for you.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,898
Welcome to SR! Sorry you are dealing with this. I know it's very difficult. If your boyfriend wants to get sober, he can do it without having to go to rehab. He can go to AA, get a sponsor, and work the steps. He can get individual counseling with an addictions counselor. There are other programs other than AA he could check out. There is also out-patient rehab where he can still work while he goes to classes. He doesn't have to lose his job over this. That is IF he wants to seek recovery.
Yes, I definitely recommend you find some al-anon meetings to attend. Face-to-face support during these times is so beneficial. We are always here, too, if you need to vent or ask questions.
To be honest, it sounds like you have outgrown this relationship. You have moved on to a responsible job and there are certain things that could jeopardize that. Living with an active addict is probably one of them. The most important thing is to take care of yourself.
Yes, I definitely recommend you find some al-anon meetings to attend. Face-to-face support during these times is so beneficial. We are always here, too, if you need to vent or ask questions.
To be honest, it sounds like you have outgrown this relationship. You have moved on to a responsible job and there are certain things that could jeopardize that. Living with an active addict is probably one of them. The most important thing is to take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
It's my decision that starts that whirlwind.
No actually it's his decision. You are saying that you are not willing to live with and addict, that's reasonable, he gets to decide what is most important for his life.
Good idea honey for you to get support, al anon is a great start.
Keep us posted.
love to you Katie.
No actually it's his decision. You are saying that you are not willing to live with and addict, that's reasonable, he gets to decide what is most important for his life.
Good idea honey for you to get support, al anon is a great start.
Keep us posted.
love to you Katie.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
from one teacher to another, you've earned a break from all forms of insanity, sweets! my xabf and i were together for almost two years (living together the past six months), and went through one four-month period of sobriety. the months leading up to his stay in the hospital (he went through five days of detox) were chaotic, heartbreaking, frustrating, and a whole lot of other adjectives. i learned, though, that he had to truly want to make a change for the better, and no amount of me pleading or suggesting that he seek help was going to lead him in that direction. the only thing you can control is how YOU handle YOU, and the decisions that you make to protect yourself and to increase your happiness (independent of him). sadly, my xabf relapsed just a few days shy of his four-month sobriety date and has been progressively getting worse since then. we broke up last week, and i'm still a befuddled mess. please, make sure you do what is best for you. keep posting, check out an al-anon meeting (or two...or six...), and hang in there. this too shall pass! there is nothing forcing you to make any decision today, my dear.
p.s. do you really play marimba? cause i also play marimba, and i think it's kinda awesome if you do.
p.s. do you really play marimba? cause i also play marimba, and i think it's kinda awesome if you do.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
Hugs, hon. Sorry you're dealing with this. You sound like a truly smart, sensitive woman, one who certainly deserves better.
Please don't feel guilt for taking care of yourself.
Also, don't feel guilty for the possibility of him losing a job, custody, etc. If he actually seeks recovery, he will be so much of a better man, employee, father and role model.
Please don't feel guilt for taking care of yourself.
Also, don't feel guilty for the possibility of him losing a job, custody, etc. If he actually seeks recovery, he will be so much of a better man, employee, father and role model.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Frederick, MD
Posts: 13
More questions...
the only thing you can control is how YOU handle YOU, and the decisions that you make to protect yourself and to increase your happiness (independent of him).
p.s. do you really play marimba? cause i also play marimba, and i think it's kinda awesome if you do.
p.s. do you really play marimba? cause i also play marimba, and i think it's kinda awesome if you do.
That makes a whole lot of sense. And I think you're right in that it will compromise my ability to do my job and in a tenure decision year, that is the last thing I need. I can't pour my heart and soul into teaching if I am worried about him 24/7.
And yes, I do play marimba. I am a music teacher (voice and percussion major). I played in pits for marching band and drum corps since 2000 and I have been teaching pit since 2004. I retired from drum corps in 2009 after breaking a hearty handful of world records.
That actually leads me to another point- I really want to expand my professional musical career beyond what it is now. I want to join a choral society that performs legitimate works. I want to audition for musical productions and not have to worry about him. I'm 26 years old- I can't be throwing away the rest of my 20's!
I didn't try to bring it up when he got home last night. As far as I could tell, he didn't have anything to drink but he smoked up twice and once this morning before his shift. Can he be an alcoholic if he doesn't drink every day or if he doesn't drink to excess every time he drinks?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
yes, he CAN be an alcoholic if he doesn't drink every day or to excess every time. it is a progressive disease, and he may just be in the early stages. mine loves to point out that he can skip days here and there, and that he can "control" it when he wants to, but he can d*mn sure down a 1.75L bottle of straight rum in a weekend (and that's what he's done the past three weekends). but, honestly, whether he's an *alcoholic* or not isn't really important. if his drinking bothers YOU, then it is a problem for YOU. so how can you make today the best day possible for you knowing that he will most likely poor more booze down his throat?
you sound like a kindred spirit. i grew up in orchestra (double bass girl, here!) and band (know all about those pit days...) but haven't played in ages. i loved it so much that i decided to have a two year relationship with my favorite band director's son (who happens to have been a professional drummer in the navy band). too bad he's an alcoholic!
i'm a science teacher...starting my sixth year (but first at this school) in eighth grade science. eek!! the last time xabf and i broke up was last september. my kids (taught fifth grade at the time) could see every ounce of pain that I felt for over a month. i know that i was not the best teacher that i could have been, and SHOULD have been, for those munchkins. too many times they asked me why it looked like i had been crying and if i was okay. so heartbreaking!!! i don't want you to deal with the same thing!!!
keep your chin up. here for you, my dear!!
you sound like a kindred spirit. i grew up in orchestra (double bass girl, here!) and band (know all about those pit days...) but haven't played in ages. i loved it so much that i decided to have a two year relationship with my favorite band director's son (who happens to have been a professional drummer in the navy band). too bad he's an alcoholic!
i'm a science teacher...starting my sixth year (but first at this school) in eighth grade science. eek!! the last time xabf and i broke up was last september. my kids (taught fifth grade at the time) could see every ounce of pain that I felt for over a month. i know that i was not the best teacher that i could have been, and SHOULD have been, for those munchkins. too many times they asked me why it looked like i had been crying and if i was okay. so heartbreaking!!! i don't want you to deal with the same thing!!!keep your chin up. here for you, my dear!!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Iplaymarimba 
That makes a whole lot of sense. And I think you're right in that it will compromise my ability to do my job and in a tenure decision year, that is the last thing I need. I can't pour my heart and soul into teaching if I am worried about him 24/7.
And yes, I do play marimba. I am a music teacher (voice and percussion major). I played in pits for marching band and drum corps since 2000 and I have been teaching pit since 2004. I retired from drum corps in 2009 after breaking a hearty handful of world records.
That actually leads me to another point- I really want to expand my professional musical career beyond what it is now. I want to join a choral society that performs legitimate works. I want to audition for musical productions and not have to worry about him. I'm 26 years old- I can't be throwing away the rest of my 20's!
I didn't try to bring it up when he got home last night. As far as I could tell, he didn't have anything to drink but he smoked up twice and once this morning before his shift. Can he be an alcoholic if he doesn't drink every day or if he doesn't drink to excess every time he drinks?
And yes, I do play marimba. I am a music teacher (voice and percussion major). I played in pits for marching band and drum corps since 2000 and I have been teaching pit since 2004. I retired from drum corps in 2009 after breaking a hearty handful of world records.
That actually leads me to another point- I really want to expand my professional musical career beyond what it is now. I want to join a choral society that performs legitimate works. I want to audition for musical productions and not have to worry about him. I'm 26 years old- I can't be throwing away the rest of my 20's!
I didn't try to bring it up when he got home last night. As far as I could tell, he didn't have anything to drink but he smoked up twice and once this morning before his shift. Can he be an alcoholic if he doesn't drink every day or if he doesn't drink to excess every time he drinks?
LOOK OUT FOR NUMBER 1. YOU are number 1. Your career and your happiness are number 1. This guy is bringing you down and is only going to keep bringing you down. Surround yourself with positive, uplifting people who have the same aspirations as you. Seek out people who can HELP you further your career, not the opposite.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Frederick, MD
Posts: 13
I hear what you're saying- how his drinking is a problem for me. I'm not sure if that is enough for him to want to get treatment. I want him to get treatment for HIM, not for ME. Honestly, there is no guarantee that I will be there for him on the flip side. It's my understanding from what everyone has been posting who is living with a recovering addict that it's no picnic once they're sober.
I don't know if "I'm leaving you" will translate into "I need to get sober" to him. I want it to. I don't know how much of a downward spiral I can bear to watch unfold.
I don't know if "I'm leaving you" will translate into "I need to get sober" to him. I want it to. I don't know how much of a downward spiral I can bear to watch unfold.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I don't know if "I'm leaving you" will translate into "I need to get sober" to him.
You sound independent and strong and not stuck in love with this guy. I am so glad to hear that!!! But if you do love him, please just make it clear to him when you break it off with him that it is his alcohol and drug use that caused it. And then don't have any further conversation. Alcoholics and addicts are in Denial. Their brains are unable to see that the drugs and alcohol affect them, their lives, and their relationships. So when you break it to him, make it a statement, not a conversation.
You sound like you are going to be just fine.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Frederick, MD
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
You sound independent and strong and not stuck in love with this guy. I am so glad to hear that!!!
You sound like you are going to be just fine.
I am sure I will be just fine. I'm PA Dutch and can be stoic to a fault. I'm strong, but sometimes it is just so exhausting to be strong.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR, marimba (had to google that instrument - cool!)
Your story sounds very familiar...not to minimalize your feelings here...but I know I have been at the cusp of the whirlwind myself. It was two years ago to the month. I found Al-Anon, and 6 months later SR. My husband and I are divorcing, even though he has been 'sober' for over 18 months. Sobriety, treatment, AA, all that jargon...it may only be the tip of the iceberg. I found that the "if only he'd stop drinking..." wasn't the real problem. The real problem was the person who had the obsession with drinking...the real person underneath.
I had to make some tough choices. Basically it boiled down to me or this relationship? I chose me. I didn't want to waste any more time on waiting for the potential and not living my own life.
It has been a long two years of some pretty tough times, but I am doing great and feeling good now. The moral of my story - you don't have to make any sweeping decisions right now. Go to a few Al-Anon meetings, read about addictions (Under the Influence is a great start!), read and post here. As a teacher, you know that knowledge is very empowering.
Take things one day at a time. And take good care of yourself!
~T
Your story sounds very familiar...not to minimalize your feelings here...but I know I have been at the cusp of the whirlwind myself. It was two years ago to the month. I found Al-Anon, and 6 months later SR. My husband and I are divorcing, even though he has been 'sober' for over 18 months. Sobriety, treatment, AA, all that jargon...it may only be the tip of the iceberg. I found that the "if only he'd stop drinking..." wasn't the real problem. The real problem was the person who had the obsession with drinking...the real person underneath.
I had to make some tough choices. Basically it boiled down to me or this relationship? I chose me. I didn't want to waste any more time on waiting for the potential and not living my own life.
It has been a long two years of some pretty tough times, but I am doing great and feeling good now. The moral of my story - you don't have to make any sweeping decisions right now. Go to a few Al-Anon meetings, read about addictions (Under the Influence is a great start!), read and post here. As a teacher, you know that knowledge is very empowering.
Take things one day at a time. And take good care of yourself!
~T
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Frederick, MD
Posts: 13
I just posted this in the substance abuse forum, but I don't know how many of you cross over into those threads. It's a bit of an update.
_______________________
As awful as it sounds, I'm waiting for something to boil over in my head or in my heart to be able to bring this up to him. I see him retreat to the bathroom and hear him smoke his bong and my stomach turns over. Something in me woke up in the past month to where I realize how much of a problem in me. When I say something, I know his response will be "but I've been doing this for a long time. Why is it an issue NOW?"
That and it seems like every night he brings home an almost full 18-pack of Miller Lite (why is it almost full instead of full- where did they go??) and polishes it off within 12-24 hours. He had 3 beers that I saw between 12-2 and he works at 4. He's napping now before work... :-/
Last night I went to a drum corps show- an activity that was a very big part of my life for 8+ years- and asked if he wanted to come. He's never been to a show and met me after I "retired" from the activity. He said that he didn't really want to come and worried about how much money it would cost to go. He had already smoked 2 bong hits and was on his 3rd (maybe more) beer at that point. He had no interest in seeing something that was a huge part of my life. Going to this show was a big deal for me- it's the first show I've been to since retirement. The corps that I aged out of was performing. It was such a beautiful experience going to it because I felt like I was reintroduced to a former version of myself.
All I got from him was a text that said "having fun?" and when I gave him my response with those feelings all I got was "". How do I begin to express that he chose to sit on his duff while drinking and smoking pot while watching a Harry Potter marathon instead of being with me while I relived something very important to me?
_____________________________
I'm hurt... but somehow I can't seem to get my heart to boil over so I can bring this all up.
_______________________
As awful as it sounds, I'm waiting for something to boil over in my head or in my heart to be able to bring this up to him. I see him retreat to the bathroom and hear him smoke his bong and my stomach turns over. Something in me woke up in the past month to where I realize how much of a problem in me. When I say something, I know his response will be "but I've been doing this for a long time. Why is it an issue NOW?"
That and it seems like every night he brings home an almost full 18-pack of Miller Lite (why is it almost full instead of full- where did they go??) and polishes it off within 12-24 hours. He had 3 beers that I saw between 12-2 and he works at 4. He's napping now before work... :-/
Last night I went to a drum corps show- an activity that was a very big part of my life for 8+ years- and asked if he wanted to come. He's never been to a show and met me after I "retired" from the activity. He said that he didn't really want to come and worried about how much money it would cost to go. He had already smoked 2 bong hits and was on his 3rd (maybe more) beer at that point. He had no interest in seeing something that was a huge part of my life. Going to this show was a big deal for me- it's the first show I've been to since retirement. The corps that I aged out of was performing. It was such a beautiful experience going to it because I felt like I was reintroduced to a former version of myself.
All I got from him was a text that said "having fun?" and when I gave him my response with those feelings all I got was "". How do I begin to express that he chose to sit on his duff while drinking and smoking pot while watching a Harry Potter marathon instead of being with me while I relived something very important to me?
_____________________________
I'm hurt... but somehow I can't seem to get my heart to boil over so I can bring this all up.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
May I make a professional suggestion? As a teacher, his drinking and pot-smoking habits are a huge risk to you reputation. (Former teacher here!) I would be concerned about how it will affect you when he (not "if", because it's inevitable for most addicts due to the nature of the disease) gets busted.
I can't emphasize this enough. It took me forever to realize that I was never going to convince my RAH to see what I was seeing. He was physically and emotionally incapable to think five steps ahead.
I know the disinterest is really painful, but this is actually just what it's like to be with an active addict. I've got this really long TS Eliot quote at the end of my posts, but the gist is not that he's being an addict at you, he's just an addict. He's looking forward to you leaving because this gives him an opportunity to get really high and do whatever he wants free from your gaze. You're suffering the fallout because you're still expecting to have a normal, supportive, mutual, non-pathological relationship.
The emotional turning point for me was when I stopped analyzing everything he said and did, and stopped trying to play the "right" role to get him to see what he "needed" to see about himself, stopped giving him soft places to fall because I didn't want to feel responsible for whatever happened to him, and realized that this is what it is.
There just aren't a lot of happy endings unless the addict decides to get sober and stay that way. Recovery is possible, but there isn't much you can do to help that process except to get out of his way (including out of his way of his self-destruction).
Their brains are unable to see that the drugs and alcohol affect them, their lives, and their relationships. So when you break it to him, make it a statement, not a conversation.
Last night I went to a drum corps show- an activity that was a very big part of my life for 8+ years- and asked if he wanted to come. He's never been to a show and met me after I "retired" from the activity. He said that he didn't really want to come and worried about how much money it would cost to go. ...He had no interest in seeing something that was a huge part of my life. Going to this show was a big deal for me- it's the first show I've been to since retirement.
The emotional turning point for me was when I stopped analyzing everything he said and did, and stopped trying to play the "right" role to get him to see what he "needed" to see about himself, stopped giving him soft places to fall because I didn't want to feel responsible for whatever happened to him, and realized that this is what it is.
There just aren't a lot of happy endings unless the addict decides to get sober and stay that way. Recovery is possible, but there isn't much you can do to help that process except to get out of his way (including out of his way of his self-destruction).
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