Lovelife4me

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Feeling defeated
Posted 07-05-2012 at 09:38 AM by Lovelife4me
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 3 years.. Ill start by saying I am 27 an was a meth user for 4 years been clean for about 9 years. So with that being said some people see me as up tight but the reality of it is that when I grew up I really grew up. I do not like to drink and party. I also use no other kind of drug. Not even on a random occasion.. When I quit I quit.
Enough about me.... This is more about the man I am in love with and his addiction. When we started dating there were many red flags right away. He would call me and ask me to come see him so I would an he would be waisted. Some times waisted an on coke. One time mushrooms another time ex... I quickly noticed the big issue was acohol. When he drank it was like a free for all. If it was there or offered he will do it. But most of the time it was a 3/4 day drinking episode.. Then he would call me begging me to come get him and take him to the emergency.. Witch i did few times. After I realized what was happening I told him the only way I will take you is if I come in the er room an you tell the doc exactly why your here or I'll tell him for you, he agreed an did it. This happend I would say no more then 8 times.
Things in between all this were up & down.. I am a fixer by the way if anyone wonders why I didnt step back the first sign of his addiction. Ovously I feel in love with the person he is when sober.
Ok so his drinking would last 3/4 days then He would go anywhere between 3 weeks to 1 or 2 months before it would happen again. when it happened it was getting worse an worse. I got pregnant within the first year of being with him. So all this I went thru involved my pregnancy an now our almost 2 year old. I also have a 5 year old and he has a 10 year old.
When he would drink he was mean, hurtful, scary at times. He drove a few times. He gets black out drunk. The night the did it for me was he got extremely intoxicated and showed up to my house. Beating on my door an calling my phone like a crazy person at 3 am. Finally when I woke up I refused to open the door an he woke both my kids up. He was falling down the stairs an screaming In my apartment hall way. Running in the middile of the street where he fell an I watch a car almost hit him. After he finally left he called the next days with the I'm sorry I am a bad person I'm so sorry I'm so sorry. I then told him this is it I love you but I will not watch the person I love kill themselves. Or let the kids. That I would rather let go an be hurt then go thru this.
He then said ok of course. An mentioned many empty promises. Witch ended up in him DRINKING again!!!!! And we broke up for about 2 months. Also he has lived with me this whole time almost so the constant moving in an out was going on... While we were broke up for the 2 months I noticed my self very depressed an very angry. I was super mean and hatful to him. Here I am single again. 2 kids 27 and alone... I felt lost.. He was trying to do anything in the book to get back into my heart again. Finally when I let him talk. He said a lot of the same things. But I told him the only way I'd get back together was that he would be ready to quit! Talking AA, different friends. Ect.. He agreed...
Ok so that was 51 days ago today. He went to one AA! And slowly has went from the signs of changing what we talked about to a BBQ last night with an old friend of his... We we all there and he was pissy the whole time I went and sat in the truck with my youngest son an I think he drank..
When I say think I say that because he has me feeling like a CRAZY PERSON. I don't have facts he tells me. So I say ok well if I can smell acohol on your breath then what???? He still tells me he didn't drink. I can smell acohol miles away. I have grown to absolutly HATE IT. because of him. He was showing all the same signs pluse I could smell it and feel it in my gut... He wouldn't admit to it no matter what.. He would look me in the eyes an say I didn't drink on our sons life or his dads grave. Thats how much he will defend it. He's done it before and has admitted toit also.
I know him so well. And he knows it. Topping all this off with him having mono and low tatostiron . He's sick feeling all the time constantly edgy and grumpy. I think he is bipolar or manic something. And he is a hipicondreac idk if that's spelled right. Also we are taking care of his brothers 2 kids because they are heroin addicts an the brother is in jail an mother is addicted to heroin an meth. Ahhhhh yes. My life is insane.
So I found this websight and am hopping to get some advice. I have no clue where to step next. I love him with all my heart. I know he loves me. He is a very good person and great father. I don't want to be forced to give up on him. But I feel like I am the bad guy and nothing I do helps. He will want to quit and go back an forth he will lie an so on. I just am compleatly lost..

suki44883

I think you know what would be best for you and your children. They don't deserve to be in this situation but they have no choice. You do. This man has no intention of seeking recovery. He only says that when he sees you getting fed up. He's a liar and an addict and a terrible person for your children to be exposed to.

You have been with him, supporting him for three years. What good has it done? Do you think one more time will be the magic trick that will cause a light bulb to go on over his head and he'll suddenly smack himself in the forehead and say...OMG! You are right. I'm checking myself into a detox center right now and then going to rehab!?

You know what you know. You know if he is drinking regardless of what he says. You have told him more than once that you won't take him back unless he quits drinking and goes to AA. So, he lies again and you fall for it and the whole thing starts over again. Please get yourself and your children away from this man. He has nothing to offer you. You deserve better and your children certainly deserve better.

Lovelife4me

Well I compleatly understand and respect what you are saying. I am just wondering if the fact that he has mad a big effort into him quitting. I do know that people relaps and some don't.. I am a recovering meth user and I have relapsed one time in the first month of quitting. Never have I used again in almost 9 years. So I made it this far an feel very confident in my staying clean. He just recently went 50 days until a BBQ on the 4th when he relapse and had a cup of mixed something and then lied even tho I knew he was. It took him until the next Day to admit. I hear him speaking an see the pattern I am not in compleat denial i just wonder if I let go an move on will I regret it? Will I be sad because I made the wrong choice?? I am not exactly sure how to voice all my thougts and feelings from every moment we have shared. I am just hoping to find some kind of Light showing me how I can make it possible for this man and I to make it thru all this. I do know what a good person he is sober he goes lots of time in between. He works a full time job he is an amazing father. He ALWAYS makes sure I and both kids have everything that we need. Ok I'll stop here to see what replies I get back.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

I learned a lot by reading the experiences of other's here at SR. I also learned how to take better care of myself through Alanon meetings. Reading self-improvement books like Codependent No More also helped me become a better me.

I mentioned the reading of other's experiences, and you can access the same reading material by reading in the sticky posts as the top of this main forum page. There are about 14 sticky posts and they all contain wisdom and some of our stories.

This is one of my favorite sticky posts:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Lovelife4me

Thank you for the welcome and advice.. I am very happy to have found this site... It's taking me time to understand and get used to everything. And how it all works. My eyes have defiantly been opened and my mind has been thinking a lot since I first logged in...

Lovelife4me

I am aware of my children an them having a happy healthy life. I am in search of some answers regarding the post I wrote.. Advice anything. I respect what's being said don't get me wrong. I also feel it's important for my children to have there father in there life as well.. I also love an want to be and stay with this man.. I'm looking for ways I can male that possible.

suki44883

From what you've written, the only way that will be possible is if you are willing to live with him, warts and all. He very likely is not going to change, so if you aren't willing to split, then you're going to have to deal with him as he is.

WorkInProgress8

DISCLAIMER: NONE OF WHAT IM ABOUT TO WRITE IS MEANT TO BE EVIL, JUST THE TRUTH. IN THE WORDS OF MY GENERATION, "IMMA KEEP IT 100%!" This seems like 1 of those threads that will eventually bring about an uproar so im going to give my 2cents before it gets shut off! It sounds like you are looking for a magical explanation, magical pill, or magical answer to help get your ABF sober, but unfortunately this is not Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizadry and your are not Albus DUmbledore. You are right, nothing you do helps or will ever help him stop with his addiction. It will most definitely always and forever ever ever ever have to be HIS choice. Ive been on this website and learned so much about my XABF, our situation, and myself. We were together 4yrs off and on, had our DS a yr and half after intially beginning our relationship, hes been in & out of jail and our sons life because of his addiction, verbal abuse, lying, manipulation, and cheating. I had no idea the ways and means of addiction until i came here and wisened up, hopefully you will too. In the end i finally had to tell myself not only did i not want myself in the situation anymore i didnt want my DS to be affected by it either. Luckily hes only 2 & traumatic events between me and XABF wont have an impact on him. Trust me i used to use the ol Child-Father rationalization as well, but if he wants to be in their lives he will be whether you are together or not. To me though, your decision to stay with this guy, even though hes bad news bears, is purely selfish. You seem more worried about your relationship with your ABF than you are about the impact all this will have on your kids. If being 27 alone with 2 kids is the worst thing that ever happens to you then count yourself very lucky. Like i said my words are not meant to be harsh. I can relate to your situation very much and am just giving the advice you asked for: GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!!! It doesnt sound like he has "quit" drinking ever. Hes just hitting the pause button when things are going bad with you and he has to make you feel as if things will get better so he fills your head with those empty promises then jumps and down on top of them each time he pops the top on his drink of choice. Heres a question for you Lovelife: is your relationship with your ABF more important than the safety and well being of your children?

Learn2Live

" I also feel it's important for my children to have there father in there life as well."
I respectfully disagree with you here. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and my dad was practically a saint compared to how you describe your BF, and I'm here to tell you that your children need to have a stable, predictable home much more than they "need to have their father there." Children do NOT need to have an alcoholic in their home. I don't even associate with alcoholics because they are sick, toxic people and I am an adult. You are harming your children by exposing them to that man.

WorkInProgress8

Agree with L2L! Yes, it is important for kids to have both parents in their lives but if 1 of them is a toxic vile person then boot scoot and boogy my friend! I meant to put that in my post. From what ive learned there is absolutely no way he can be a GREAT father and an alcoholic. Alcoholics do not have to ability to be GREAT parents. You either are GREAT or an Alcoholic. You cant be both. point blank period.

choublak

It doesn't sound to me like this man is fit to be a parent to your children at this time.

Learn2Live

I will say, too, LoveLife4Me, although I know you love this man and want to see this work, I have learned that often, being in a love relationship with a committed woman is not what the addict/alcoholic needs. Folks with this disease need more than we can give them. And it's been my experience that when we try to help them, we actually HURT them. Because we want them to fit into our idea of what is best for them. But when you try to hold a man in a relationship who does not want recovery, we coddle them and our lives become hell. Recovery takes so much more than a promise and a meeting. It is a way of life. We have to let these folks bottom out because that is often what it takes for them to see that they have a problem. The quicker we let go of what WE want, and who we want them to become, the quicker they fall to their bottom.

Honestly, I have never regretted letting go of any relationship. It was hard, yes, but I've never regretted it.

Hopeworks

Big effort?

One AA meeting?

Is it possible that you so strongly want to believe in him that you are fooling yourself?

I know I did... for years.

If your X really, really cared about their recovery they woul make a way to do whatever it takes every single day to make sure their recovery and restoration of your relationship and their family is a success.

And what we think is love is sometimes nothing more that bad hard wiring from our childhood and a whole lot of chemicals and hormones gone awry...

just sayin... that is what I think about the 4 years i spent hovering, helicoptering and hoping for my XA.