KRA

I know there was a thread here earlier complaining that the police were not responsive. In my case, they are too responsive. Xagf repeatedly threatened to make a false police report against me to cause me to get in trouble at work. At first I didn't believe her, but then I started to think that she really would. So I went to the police and filed a report. I know the police have to make an arrest for felonies, so I kept what I reported on the misdemeanor level. In my statement, I checked the box saying I didn't want to prosecute and in my written statement I wrote that I was doing the report for documentation purposes and didn't want her arrested. A detective called me earlier today and said that they were looking for my xagf to arrest her. I said I didn't want her arrested. The detective said I didn't have a choice and they were going to arrest her any way.
They said if I was uncooperative after the arrest, the DA would most likely refuse to prosecute and she would be released after a day or so.

I am worried that if my xagf gets arrested she will loose her job. But think that if I didn't make the report, I could loose my job if she lied and made a report. I'm feeling so stressed out and so conflicted right now.

KRA

She is being charged with aggregated harassment.

Learn2Live

I am sorry you feel conflicted but honestly, I don't know why you should. If someone threatened me to get me to lose my job, I would do WHATEVER I needed to do to protect myself. You have every right to protect yourself. SHE is the one who started this, isn't she?

KRA

She is, but I feel awful knowing that she could loose her job. I think she might become suicidal if she got arrested and told the detective so. She tried to kill hersel a month or so ago, maybe 6 weeks. I can't remember the time frame. She was almost successful and spent 2 weeks in the hospital.

I also worry that maybe I overreacted and she wasnt going to do what she threatened to do. Maybe she was gaslighting.

Dont know if I should cooperate or not. Am worried that she will retaliate against me after she gets out of jail. Worry that she will hurt herself. Don't know if I made the right decision in filIng the police report. Didn't really think the police would do anything since. Said I didn't want to press charges.

laurie6781

her actions her consequences. Please do not rescind the complaint as it is your job in jeopardy also.

Now in addition since the arrest order has already been issued, I would STRONGLY suggest that you get a restraining order against her also. That would mean she can no longer contact you and you can have no contact with her.

She is using what has worked for her with you in the past THREATS as a form of manipulation.

Please for your own sanity, get off the roller coaster as it is going to get worse.

Love and hugs,

amy55

I know how awful you feel. It was the same feeling that I had when mine threw a glass at me that hit me in the face, and left me with a gash under my eye.

My ex already had one dv against him. For the other black eye that he gave me. He works for the federal government. Two dv charges, was pretty sure that he would lose his job.

I didn't file. Wish that I did.

When I didn't file, he knew that he could get away with anything. I put up with another 7 months of that before I left. The more that he knew that he could get away with,the more he pushed me.

Also need to say that the first dv incident, the court ordered him to go to an alcohol program, and also to ACT, abuses ceases today. It was really just a slap on the wrist.

I also would suggest the RO

Learn2Live

Try to stay in the Present Moment. You do not have a crystal ball and you cannot magically determine what is going to happen in the future. You have done the right thing by telling the detective your concerns about her killing herself. But if she does kill herself, that is not on YOU. That is between her and her Higher Power. Everything happens for a reason, I am a true believer of that. But I do not always know, or necessarily agree with, what my Higher Power has decided is the appropriate thing to happen.

Let me give you an example. I have my own Recovery and my own life that I need to focus on. I have been in a relationship with a man for 2 and a half years, a man whom I was engaged to marry. He had 3 years clean, as far as I knew. But he left over a month ago. No word, no warning, nothing. Just LEFT. It was like I had been run over by a train. I cannot describe for you the pain and agony I have been in. Do you think I agree with my Higher Power that this was the best thing for me? I absolutely loved this man and was completely in love with him. Do you think I agree with Higher Power that this man should have Relapsed? I don't. But guess what? This man has his OWN path, his OWN journey, doesn't he? And THAT is between HIM and HIS Higher Power. Not between me, him and Higher Power.

His Higher Power has a different plan for him than what I had in mind for him. It is out of my control and always was. And what happens to this woman you speak of has ALWAYS been out of your control, and REMAINS out of your control. You did not Cause this, you cannot Control this, and you cannot Cure this.

There you go, second guessing and blaming yourself for some imagined misunderstanding, when the fact of the matter is, she threatened you and you protected yourself. Any sober person would be able to see that if she threatened someone, that someone would take appropriate measures to protect themselves. She dug her own hole.

Stop carrying the guilt for what her Higher Power has decided should happen. Refuse the guilt. Own YOUR side of the street, not hers. I would have done the same thing you did. You never had control.

Learn2Live

I'm with Laurie. Don't try to take back anything. Cooperate with the authorities. Sometimes what you THINK is the WORST thing that could happen turns out to be the BEST thing that can happen. Addicts and alcoholics must experience the consequences of their actions, otherwise they have no reason to get clean and sober. We, as codependents and concerned loved ones, want to make things easier on them. That actually HURTS them, not helps them. Finish what you started. Follow through with it. It is the right thing to do.

EnglishGarden

KRA,
In my community there are some drug addicts whom the police suspect of dealing, burglaries, etc. I know this because my neighbors were robbed by them but the police did not have enough evidence against these addicts to arrest them and hold them. We all know who did the robbery, but without hard evidence, the police have not made a move.

When I read your post, I felt suspicion that a detective (if your community's detectives are as busy as everyone else's are) would waste his time arresting your agf just because there was a complaint filed about a potential false report which has not even happened.

Makes me think she has been on their radar for drugs and maybe other things for some time. And you have provided them opportunity to bring her in.

Unless you live in Mayberry where there's just not enough crime to keep a detective busy, it seems to me this is a possibility.

KRA

Xagf already knows that there are boundaries. I moved out and am doing no contact. I just think that the consequences of the arrest are too severe. I don't know what to do. I don't want her arrested, but part of me thinks if I don't go through with this, she may retaliate and try to do something to hurt me. I'm worried that if I do go through with this, she may hurt herself. I never wanted her arrested, just was trying to protect my job from a potential false allegation.

suki44883

Guilt is something one feels when they have done something wrong. You have done NOTHING wrong. She threatened you, you made a police report. Consequences. Maybe she'll think before she pulls stupid crap like that again. If she loses her job, again...consequences. I agree with getting an RO against her. If she tries to retaliate in any way, have her azz arrested again!

KRA

She's self-employed and is already in danger of loosing the license she needs to do her job due to alcoholism. She's already being monitered by the licensing board A domestic violence arrest will result in her loosing her license.

She has in the past said that she would kill herself if she lost her license as she's too old to start over again.

suki44883

You cannot save her from herself. It's her own fault she is where she is. This is not your problem and whatever she may do will not be your fault, either.

KRA

I just feel so cornered. There's nothing I can do

I may get the restraining order and then not corporate. That way she doesn't get a criminal record, but has to stay away from me.

KRA

But I still think she would attack me in some manner if I do that. There's no good way to handle this. I don't know why the cops are insisting on the arrest. I did not bring felOny charges and only felOny charges are must arrests.

suki44883

I don't know why you are so adamant about not following through. If she had her way, it would be YOU getting arrested. You took her at her word that she would attempt to do that, so you did the logical thing and got to the police first. She deserves every thing that is happening. If you are going to threaten someone, you best be ready to deal with the fallout. That is what she is now dealing with and whatever happens, it is her own fault.

KRA

But I really think there's a good chance she will kill herself if she gets arrested. I don't want her to die. And even though I know it's natural consequences, I would feel responsible even though I was trying to protect myself (my job). I don't want her to loose her license and not be able to work. And she has said that if she looses her license she will kill herself.

suki44883

I honestly don't know what to tell you. This is all out of your hands now. Driving yourself nuts trying to figure out what might happen won't do anything other than drive you nuts. Can you find something to distract you for a while? You really need to get your mind off this.

Katiekate

There's no good way to handle this.

Let Go

Let God

You need to step back and realize that this is her path, she has set the groundwork for all of this.

She is an addict, you can not help her.

I'm sorry for your upset and pain, but you have no control.

KRA

No, I'm sure they don't suspect her of anything. The only 2 people she would hurt are herself and me.

It's a numbers game. It's an easy arrest for the police and an easy closure for an open complaint report. Plus, it's not an index crime (felony) that gets reported to the FBI. The police get to look busy by making an arrest, but are making the arrest in something that doesn't get released to the public as a crime statistic.