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Help my husband relapsed today

Old 07-07-2012, 01:51 PM
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Help my husband relapsed today

Hello today my husband came home from work and relapsed after 2years sober,
My husband is an entertainer and very famous in his scene, which involves being around bars, clubs and alcohol.
In 2010 After a long night of heavy drinking he threw himself off our balcony and had serious injuries which had him out of his work for 1 year, this was his wake up call and since that day he stopped drinking cold turkey, until today.
Last month he suffered a small injury and was told to relax for 20 days advice he did not follow, he tells me he feels that he is finished that his career is over, and that drinking relaxes him, in the last month he has been suffering insominia and anxiety, and he says he cannot handle not drinking anymore!
I dont know how to deal with this situation as he used to be' violent when drunk, and i am afraid to confront him in a strong manner incase he becomes aggresive wtih me! How can i help him see that drinking is not te solution to his problems and to seek help from a doctor or AA"

Denise

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Old 07-07-2012, 01:54 PM
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Welcome to SR, Denise. I'm sorry but, you can't convince your husband of anything, especially while he is drinking. Is there somewhere you can go? It concerns me that you say he has been violent in the past. Please keep yourself safe.
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Old 07-07-2012, 01:57 PM
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He is now knocked out asleep, i am affraid if i leave he will get worse and do something crazy again, thanks
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Old 07-07-2012, 02:30 PM
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Denise-

I have learned as I have worked my journey that my loved one was going to do something crazy around alcohol regardless of if I was there or not.

For this and your other post what helped me with this cycle of chaos was getting some help for myself. That included reading, Al-Anon, therapy etc.

I am glad you found us, and welcome....but sorry for what brought you here.
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Old 07-07-2012, 03:10 PM
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Sometimes alcoholics who go cold turkey on drinking just switch addictions. It is possible he has been taking pills for the past year or so. It is possible running out of pills caused the anxiety and insomnia. It is possible that today he is mixing pills and alcohol, or just decided alcohol alone is cheaper.

If he is drunk and threatens to hurt you, call the police. Some hours in the drunk tank and a possible RO is a cold dose of reality much-needed by an alcoholic. However, as posted above, if you are at risk please also contact 1-800-799-SAFE for advice about how to best deal with a potentially violent husband.

If he seems incredibly ill, you can call 911 for an ambulance. Again, cold dose of reality, and it relieves you of any responsibility for his physical safety.

Relapse is vicious. If you have a friend or family member who can shelter you, I strongly suggest you leave now for a long visit with that person and take a couple weeks minimum to organize your thoughts and make plans, away from the insanity of your AH. He really won't care if you're gone. He may call and try to harass you. But really he'll be glad you're gone.

You CANNOT talk him out of drinking. Tears, threats, silence, nothing will work.

He is back on the rollercoaster and you can choose to ride it or not. We very much hope you don't. Boundaries make all the difference.
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Old 07-07-2012, 03:22 PM
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
Relapse is vicious. If you have a friend or family member who can shelter you, I strongly suggest you leave now for a long visit with that person and take a couple weeks minimum to organize your thoughts and make plans, away from the insanity of your AH. He really won't care if you're gone. He may call and try to harass you. But really he'll be glad you're gone.

You CANNOT talk him out of drinking. Tears, threats, silence, nothing will work.
I really agree with this idea. If he has a tendency for violence, you are putting yourself at risk by remaining there during this relapse.

Welcome to SR! Glad you found us - sorry for the reasons why. Hang in there; keep reading and keep posting.
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Old 07-07-2012, 05:17 PM
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He threw himself off a balcony?

It seems like he has other psychological problems (mental illness), combined with alcoholism. I don't know.
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Old 07-08-2012, 01:09 PM
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Let us know if you are safe, DeniseM.
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Old 07-08-2012, 01:25 PM
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(((((Denise)))))

I am glad you found us but sorry for the reason you had to.

I am assuming by your location that you are in Italy???

If you AH is becoming violent then please call your local police 113.

If it is more of a medical than please call that number 118.

You cannot help him with this. He has to decide for himself that he wants
recovery, andit does not sound like he is quite there yet.

Please go to the Alanon web site and look up meetings for your area and
try a few. It won't hurt, and it will sure help you to find out face to face
that you are not alone in this.

In the meantime, please continue to post and let us know how you are
doing as we do care very much.

Feel free, to vent, rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh with us. We
do understand. We are now walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-09-2012, 02:21 AM
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I'm not sure if you will post again, but I feel very similar to your situation. I have been trying all the things that Tuff Girl said not too....You CANNOT talk him out of drinking. Tears, threats, silence, nothing will work.
I feel the stress you are living right now is far worst than the stress caused by the unknown of leaving him. You can't save him...as everyone here seems to say. Maybe, as I tell you this, I will listen to my own advice. If he wants to do something dangerous, it will happen with you there or with you free. Your own happiness is at stake. Why should his poor life choices ruin your life too. I am always trying to save my boyfriend. This is stupid and doesn't work. 'Let him fall' -maybe he will realize and pick his ownself up. Last weekend my 30 year old boyfriend broke a beer bottle over his head in some (college-like) stunt. His forehead has a huge gash and his stupidity overwhelmes me. I am doing my best to let him go down in his own flames. Good luck!!! Stay tough
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Old 07-09-2012, 10:48 AM
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If he is drunk and threatens to hurt you, call the police. Some hours in the drunk tank and a possible RO is a cold dose of reality much-needed by an alcoholic. However, as posted above, if you are at risk please also contact 1-800-799-SAFE for advice about how to best deal with a potentially violent husband.
This is excellent advice. In this instance you must put your own protection first. There is nothing you can say or do to stop an alcoholic from drinking but you can take care of yourself. I'm so very sorry this has happened.
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Old 07-09-2012, 12:13 PM
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I hate my husband for what he puts me through. I no longer say he has an illness. He just a f**king selfish *******.

I have gone through what you described and I stuck by him trying to save him. In the process I have taken an incredible amount of abuse that he could never make up for and which he barely acknowledges. Actually after he gets through his binges he acts nasty towards me and yells at me for stuff. When I get depressed he is annoyed. but when he is down, he expects me to be there.

He just came out of rehab after putting me through hell. i basically was a prisoner in the house because i was afraid to leave for fear something bad would happen to him.

He just got out of rehab and went right back to drinking. today he was suppose to be back at work full force. instead he got up late, worked a few hours and is out drinking again.

I am trying to find a psychiatrist because i need to now get medication just to survive this. i have been through a lot of difficult times in my life and got though with out medication, but this is so horrific and debilitating that i can't survive without help.

i have a freelance job that needs my full attention but i am mentally falling apart and my body is starting to feel pain from the stress. Is this what you want to put yourself through? Alcoholics are very selfish people. They don't see the pain they cause to the other person.

I was like you. But I have had enough. When my husband starts crying out for help again, I will walk into the other room. This time he will know he is on his own. Let the chips fall where they may.
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Old 07-12-2012, 07:44 PM
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Thanks to everyone for the great advice, I am ok nothing has happened to me yet! However for the first time ever I am having thoughts of leaving , however I do love him and all I can think about is if he stopped drinking for 2 years he can do it again, can anyone advise me on how relapse happen and how to get back on track?
Denise
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Old 07-12-2012, 09:36 PM
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Originally Posted by DeniseM View Post
Thanks to everyone for the great advice, I am ok nothing has happened to me yet! However for the first time ever I am having thoughts of leaving , however I do love him and all I can think about is if he stopped drinking for 2 years he can do it again, can anyone advise me on how relapse happen and how to get back on track?
Denise
Hello again Denise! Are you in Milano? I know they have AA meetings there.

he stopped drinking for 2 years he can do it again
Yes, Denise it certainly is possible for him to stop drinking again. The important word in that piece of sentence is he.
He is the one who must get the help, he must get the tools to prevent relapse, he must find a way to recovery.
(I forgot to mention I am in recovery for alcohol, so I speak from experience here.)

I do think that if he is actively drinking and has been violent that you should leave, it does not have to be forever. Just until he finds a way to be sober, because until then, he could become violent with you. The fact that he threw himself off the balcony tells me he is not only alcoholic, there could be some other big mental issues. He could decide to take it out on you instead of himself next time. While you are a safe distance away, you can work on yourself.

Those of us who want to "help" a grown man with his growing problem are called codependent. We (and I include myself) think that we can help someone do something they should be doing on their own. The only way it will work and stick is if they do it on their own. We need to work on why we want to work on a problem that is not ours. We want the control that seems to go along with that, we think if we control it, it will be alright. But that is an illusion. The only person we can control is ourselves.

Please take care of yourself first Denise.
Find the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You will find yourself in there. It is a great place to start your journey of discovery.
Discovery of Denise.

I am glad you are here Denise, not for the reason of course, but happy you found this place. Here, you will find what you need.
I just thought of the Stones:

you can't always get what you want,
but if you try sometimes,
you'll find,
you get what you need.

Beth

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Old 08-09-2012, 04:41 PM
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Smile My husband relapsed too

Last night . . he claims he only drank one beer . . but the fact that he stormed my car when I got home from work; slammed me with the car door and chased me down the street pulling my hair and throwing me by my hair leads me to believe it was more than 1 beer - my husband is also violent when he drinks - he's already been arrested once for domestice abuse 2 months ago; the court put a "no harassment" order on him; I could have had him sent down the river for a long time last night; but I didn't . . and no I'm not sure why . . he called his AA sponsor last night and he advised my AH to get out of the house until he sobered up so he left low and behold; he actually listened to the man - he came home a few hours later, walked in went to bed and crashed thank God - while he was gone those few hours I thre my Plan B into full gear and took the opportunity to pack an overnight case for me and my elderly mother that lives with us, and to get all my important paperwork together; it's all in the trunk of my car . . I have a safe house to go to that he does not know where it is and I can take my 4 pets with me too . . I have given myself 90 days, if he relapses again in that time period OR if he does not actively start working a recovery program, be it court appointed or on his own . . I will move out . .we still don't know if he'll go to jail for the last arrest; I do know he will have to take 1 year of Anger Management classes . . that being said, he is no longer #1 in my life, I am . .
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Old 08-09-2012, 04:49 PM
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To anyone who is willing to put themselves through abuse for any reason . . .get help for yourself - leave the person, go to a safe place, get into therapy - I know how hard it can be (all of the little life complications that make people put up with abuse).

I allowed myself to be abused and "forgot" each time it happened . . . I viewed each occurrence as an isolated event, then had PTSD and literally forgot it. That was my way of coping. Why would anyone do that? It's doesn't matter. What does matter is that it helps no one - it crushes you and ruins your self esteem, if you have children, it teaches them violence and abuse, it does not protect or help the abuser to allow them to abuse people . . . it sets up a cycle of them becoming monsters . . .In the end, confide in a girlfriend, family, counselor . . .and make the necessary changes, no matter how hard.

If you don't, you will wake up old and sick and traumatized or dead.
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Old 08-09-2012, 05:54 PM
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DeniseM - How are you doing?

I would recommend you call a girlfriend or family member and explain to them you might need to go to their house at some point. Just get permission to go somewhere if you have to leave your house suddenly.

I understand you don't feel comfortable leaving right this second (I think I read that up there somewhere) But please just take the time NOW to prepare in case you have to leave suddenly.

I would then pack a weekend bag with some clothes, any medications you are taking and whatever else you might need. Then hide that bag near the front door so you can grab it in case you need to run out of the house. When I had to do this I also added my passport, all my bank information and any sentimental or expensive jewelry. It's always better to have an escape plan since you mentioned he can become violent.

If he wakes up do not try to talk to him or reason with him in any way. One thing I learned was never approach an active alcoholic when he is drunk. Mine used to black out so even if he would never do certain things when sober; when drinking he had no idea what he was doing or if he was hurting me.

Now, with the relapse, he really needs to start a program of recovery for himself. The only problem here is YOU cannot force him to do that. He has to be WILLING. He has to make the choice. What you CAN DO is help yourself. Be smart and be careful.

If you could find and Alanon meeting in your area that would be helpful for your recovery.

Please take care of yourself.
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Old 08-09-2012, 05:58 PM
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ADDING: Sorry I just realized this original post was from last month. I thought it was from this evening... so sorry...
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Old 08-09-2012, 06:08 PM
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My husband just relapsed after one year just this past 10 days. He did a 30 day program last year, several months of an outpatient programs, AA. He had a hip replaced and I nursed him through it earlier this year. We noticed in the last couple of months the AA visits lessened. I went away for a week and he fell off the wagon. After a horrendous 2011 and the alcoholic denying years leading up to it I am now a tough b**ch, strengthened by Al Anon. I told him that he had two choices 1) call his family and find a place to stay that he wasn't allowed to live here anymore or 2) see if he can find a bed at the rehab to detox. After that conversation he said he was staying home and going to an outpatient program, I repeated myself again. He is now in detox as I write this for the next week. There was no bending on my end. There will no longer be. I need to take care of me and my mental and physical health first so that I am around for the kids.
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Old 08-09-2012, 07:22 PM
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Sophie12,
I suggest you stay at the safe house indefinitely for your protection, your mother's protection, your pets' protection.

Your husband is in active addiction now and for him active addiction = violence. You may be willing to risk your own life in order to give him that 90 day chance. But are you willing to put at risk the health and welfare of the others you love?

Your husband is 98% likely to continue drinking and physically and emotionally abusing you and anyone else in his reach.

Please stay out of the house and keep all the others safe as well.

The number for advice about domestic violence is 1-800-799-SAFE.
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