Hawkeye13

It hurts you, and that's really all you need to know to act on your own behalf.
I said many mean things drunk.

My mother said many more mean things to me when she was drunk.
Doesn't matter how much she or I "meant" what we said at the time.

I still hurt from it, and she's dead over five years now.
Humans are not designed to be emotional punching bags.
Step away and protect yourself.

Hangnbyathread

Well put Hawkeye.

HoldOnLoosely

My husband's words weren't abusive. I don't think.

I experienced deflection, word manipulation, rationalization, blame shifting and subtle control. So subtle. And yet, as I type this, a couple of more blatant moments come to mind.

Why did he do this? His fear of abandonment and deep emotional pain. So I have been told.

Why did I accept this? I saw what I wanted to see and believed what I wanted to believe. I thought he would NEVER hurt me. He simply wouldn't. But, he did. The holes are there.

I have zero tolerance for it now. The blinders are off. I choose not to live with the "take the other person down" kind of attitude in my life anymore. I deserve better.

It's my husband's responsibility to wrestle with his own deep rooted issues and not place them on me. An ongoing struggle for him, but one he will need to tackle for the survival of our marriage.

Liveitwell

Holdinloosely-you took the words out of my mouth, except my exs words were abusive-to the max-and threatening. Back in my drinking days I could, too, say awful things I did not mean bc I was insecure and had many of my own fears, issues, etc. And I truly repented of my errors/sins to God and him and changed my life. Sobriety and working through my issues with God by my side has helped me move forward into a new life of trusting Him. Sadly, my ex never dealt with his demons and the marriage could not survive as his demons were too much. Thanks for your words.

DaisyDoo24

This is the point I'm at in my life.

The sad part is I never realized I was being emotionally abused. But after reading so many posts here I see it is unfortunately all too common.

In our last major blowout after a night out together with friends, he ended up calling me evil, called me a demon.. All because I refused to talk to him drunk once he got angry. This particular blowout is partially what led him to admit he had a bit of a problem, though not to the point of being an alcoholic.

He has also called me a ****** wife, among other things. Never again. I am done with the verbal abuse. I am also painfully aware our marriage is likely going to end because of this awful disease.

To the OP, I agree with others, it hurts whether they meant it or not.

Liveitwell

I was going to say the same thing-regardless of whether they meant it or not, it hurts. My then husband does not recall saying many of the things he has (wishing I was dead, telling me how unattractive I am, etc) but reality is he DID say those things. After too many drunk tirades hearing things like that, the sober "I love you's, you are the most beautiful person, I'm lucky to have you, etc" just don't mean anything. I look back and see the last few years I literally was trying to figure out whether to believe the sober him or the drunk angry him...bc it was so jekyl and Hyde. But really, it didn't matter bc all I knew was I wanted out, and God led me out. I guess I'm saying that it doesn't matter if it's true or not-it just matters if it's something you want to accept in your life. Peace!

healthyagain

I would agree with this 100%. I do not think it is relevant to them how you feel after they say something mean. It is more like squirting stinky skunk stuff into your face so you leave them alone.

Unless you are in addition dealing with an abuser who says and does mean stuff to control you.

But sometimes, it is really hard to tell the difference.

noinsanity2423

I heard almost the same from my ex. I'm a recovering codependent, and I thought I would share a few messages that yours reminded me of.

"I'll just go see my other boyfriend." Translation: You're not giving me 100% of your time and attention to make up for the fact that my daddy never paid attention to me, so I'm going to make you jealous by making these outrageous claims to make you pay attention to me or give me what I want.
Message I heard: I'm not good enough. I need to control her, or she's going to cheat on me.

"You don't love me! You just love yourself! You're a selfish a-hole!"
Translation: If you really loved me, then you would never have needs of your own. I should be the only one with needs in this relationship because I don't want to meet yours. I'm the child here. Because you can't give me what I want/solve this problem I have/pay attention to me when you have other priorities, I'm going to try tearing you down emotionally to get what I want.
Message I heard: My love isn't good enough, and my best isn't selfless enough. I need to sacrifice more, or else I'm selfish.

"You're not a real man! I can't be with a man who won't stand up for me. You don't have any balls!"
Translation: I only want to date someone that will let me do what I want and get away with what I want. I don't want anyone to hold me accountable for my behavior. Therefore, I'm going to tear down your self esteem until you can't stand up for yourself anymore.
What I heard: I must not really be a man. If I were more of a man, then I would be able to control my woman. A real man doesn't listen to anyone but himself. A real man doesn't follow what his parents have told him because parents are stupid.

"Could you pay this or that for me? Could I have some money for this? Can I buy that? Thanks for forgiving me for that. You're so great to me."
Translation: Could you spend some of your money on this thing I want, so I will have enough money to spend on booze, drugs, and parties? Could you once again bail me out of the financial consequences of my behavior? Thank you for not getting mad at me once again despite the fact that I clearly treated you poorly. You're the greatest because you never get mad at me/hold me accountable/punish me like my parents did. I don't want to be punished for what I do that is clearly wrong.
What I heard: A good boyfriend always pays no matter what and always forgives. He never gets mad because getting mad just makes her mad. I must be the greatest because of my tremendous capacity to forgive these awful things she has done to me. I'm the great savior of this poor girl!

ghost99

It doesn't matter if they meant it. Drunk or not they said it and have to take responsibility for what they said. I wouldn't excuse their behaviour because they were intoxicated.

noinsanity2423

Sorry that I didn't get to say this in my previous post about abusive messages from addicts and the real meanings behind them.

My point with sharing the messages I remember is that the messages do hurt when you hear them. What my ex said to me hurt a LOT. It drove me crazy, and I changed who I was to avoid the pain of those messages. However, I've come to realize that the lie is what hurt. None of those hurtful things she said were true. I just believed them because I trusted her blindly. What the addict says speaks WAY more about THEM than it does YOU.

It took me a really long time, but I eventually realized that everything I thought described me actually described her. Alcoholics say what they have to say to protect the addiction, and they don't care if what they say hurts someone. Yes, what they say hurts, but it's meant to hurt to get what they want. They mean it, but it doesn't describe you. It just describes their narcissistic view of the world. It doesn't excuse their behavior, but it's just another example of how when an addict's lips are moving, they are lying.

I hope this helps you.

NYCDoglvr

When I drank I said some terrible things and felt bad the next day when I realized how hurtful I was. Getting drunk loosens the inhibitions we have over hurting others, but it doesn't mean we don't mean those things.

minime13

It really doesn't matter if they mean what they say or not. You're trying to decipher some kind of rational thought where it doesn't exist. You're dealing with a broken person with a broken mind.

Most of my XABF's rants and verbal attacks were projections, and those that weren't were fueled by insecurity. They also changed directions like a piece of blowing paper on the sidewalk.

Liveitwell

^^ yes!

Stung

I agree with Hawkeye.

From my own experience, as a non-addict person who has been drunk before, I have said mean things to strangers that I would absolutely take back. Drinking lowers a persons inhibitions to do and say all sorts of stuff that they wouldn't ordinarily say. It's what makes a movie like The Hangover so entertaining. (Funny as long as it's not happening to you in real life, right?)

Regarding my experience of being a sober punching bag to a drunk alcoholic husband, most of the time he's hurting and looking to make someone else feel that pain too. There's a saying about "hurt people hurt other people" and that's what I've taken away from the mean comments from him. Whether he means the words that he's saying or not, it still hurts.

LucyIntheGarden

Bumping this thread from 2012 for toomanychances (and others). There are 54 superb responses to the OP.

toomanychances

Thank you. I do think he means the things he says when he is drinking. He has said he doesn't and he does feel bad and apologizes. Then he says at least he can use alcohol as an excuse for the terrible things he says - but I cant use it for the terrible things I say... which are different - he will call me names and say he hates me. I'm yelling about a situation and it is more reactive abuse. Like if you are texting a woman about how she is perfect and I find out - I think I'm allowed to yell.

Today was my 3rd al anon meeting this week - I'm working on myself. And I feel better today - not crying. I think the meetings are positive and lift my spirits. I also started a note in my phone of all the things I can't forgive him for so when I start to feel weak I can refer to it because I definitely have short term memory.

Maziegrace

In a word, No. Alcoholics feel incredible
shame and self-loathing. They know that what they do hurts the people around them. What I learned in Al-Anon is that they lash out at others with the things they really mean toward themselves. But hearing those things, it feels almost impossible not to take it personally. Try to learn about the concept of Detachment. Try some Al-Anon meetings and see if you can identify with what you hear there. It saved my life and my sanity.

yellowflower

I needed this thank you

Bunker

I am a drunk and in my opinion drunks do mean what they say. The difference is when sober we will not say those things because we do not actually want to hurt people or we do not want the consequences. When drunk we don't care. From the mouths of drunkards and babes....

Dee74

welcome to SR yellowflower

D