GoodKarma

My xabf calls about once a week and wants to come by and see our dog. I have been doing no contact and since I don't answer his calls, he would just show up at my door. He called last night and I finally answered the phone so he wouldn't just show at my door. Sure enough he wanted to come over and watch a show on TV and see the dog. I told him he couldn't come over and he threw a fit.

So today he asked me why can't he come over once a week to see the dog and why can't we chat on the phone once a week. I told him I don't stay in touch with my ex's and that I wanted to move on. He said he liked staying in touch with his ex's but he didn't consider me an ex because I never was his girlfriend for the five years that we were together. He said that I always try to put labels on things and that even though we lived together, he was just there with me, not my boyfriend. That it didn't mean anything that we were together. I asked him why did he always introduce me as his girlfriend?

I kicked him out because he is an alcoholic, drug addict and he cheated on me all the time. Now he says I never meant anything to him and since he is not an ex per se...just someone that I knew and lived with for five years, that he should be allowed to come by and see the dog.

I can't believe he told me to my face today that I never meant anything to him in all those years we were together and everything we went through together...so hurtful.

Chris1000101

I am so sorry you had to experience that.

Personally, I feel he is using the dog to get to you. I have learned that as long as the addiction is alive and well, alcoholics and addicts are selfish and self-centered to say the least - liars, cheats and thieves. They do not care whom they hurt to feed their addiction. They have the attitude that what is theirs is theirs and what is yours is theirs too. Egomaniacs with an inferiority complex. They manipulate everything they can to their advantage and will not think twice about lying to your face.

Learn2Live

Yes, they are heartless. You're trying to set a boundary with a person who has no respect for your boundaries. They are VERY selfish people who will trod over you. You communicated your boundary, he disagreed, and then he said something very hurtful so that he can break you down so you give him what he wants. Next time, I would repeat my boundary, and then tell him the consequences if he tries to break your boundary again. If it were me, I woukd tell him Do not call me and Do not come to my home. If you come to my home again, for any reason, I will call the police. If you continue to call and harrass me, I will seek protection from the courts to get you to stop. That should do it.

They say hurtful things ON PURPOSE to hook you back in emotionally. Let it go. Don't let the tactic work!

amy55

I'm just going to say that this is manipulation. As soon as you said that you do not keep in touch with exes, he decided, well, then he wasn't an ex, he was just a friend.

He was trying to befuddle your mind. Keep going with the no contact, maybe also advise him that if he keeps call that you will file harassment charges.

neferkamichael

Sounds like to me he's trying to wurm his way back into your life. Please don't answer his calls, and if he shows up call the cops. It's just causing you misery.

lillamy

Agreed.
I would not call alcoholics heartless, though.
See, I'd like to think my AXH is, and was. But he's not. And I can see that in the alcoholics I have known but not lived with. I can see the immense pain they live with.

I don't think he's heartless and doing this to hurt you. I think he's helpless and desperate. Which is so much more reason for you to block his calls and not open the door the next time he comes by.

NYCDoglvr

"No" is a complete sentence, you don't owe him a reason. And if he's your "x", why are you still talking to him?

Katiekate

What an idiotic thing to say.

Don't buy it, everything that comes out of his mouth is a manipulation to try and get you to cave and to deeply wound you.

Tell him the dog wants to go no contact too.

lillamy

That actually made me spit coffee all over my screen.

feelingalone43

me too, lillamy, but it was diet Mt. Dew.

EnglishGarden

He was drunk.

GoodKarma

So funny! Yes, I will tell him the dog wants to go no contact too! LOL!


NYCdoglvr...Like I said, I answered the phone to keep him from just showing up at my door like he has done before.

I just blocked his phone number so he cannot call me or text me. If he shows up at my door again...I will not be going to the door.

neferkamichael

Good Karma if he shows up again get the dog on him.

GoodKarma

I spoke to him around noon today and he was at work, so I really don't think he was drunk at that time. He usually drinks beer all day long...I just don't think he could get away with that at his job. (What little bit he does work).

I was so hurt when he told me he never considered me his girlfriend for all those years and that I never meant anything to him, that I called him an alcoholic and drug addict, and he didn't say anything.

amy55

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Do you want and need validation? That was a big one for me. I was married to him for over 27 years, then felt like I was thrown out like an old dish rag.

But, I will give you validation. He is still calling you, so obviously you meant a lot to him. Problem is, he can't and won't express this, he just hurts you instead. Even if you take the drink and the drug away, he cannot handle emotions. He will keep hurting you.

Even if he were to get sober, he will still have that other problem. He has no emotional maturity.

And yes, tell him the dog wants no contact also. I loved that one !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Summerpeach

no, they are not all heartless, just the ones with serious personality disorders.

Google Personality disorders and addictions.

Run, they only get worse

battlescars

So then according to you, Amy55, is the sick thing that if you meant a lot to an alcoholic that they show this by being particularly hurtful to you? This is a question I've grappled a lot with during my own breakup. It makes sense on some weird level. Can anyone clarify?

jessiec

Ouch. So sorry. Alcoholics can leave us feeling so foolish, used and betrayed.
With my XABF I now find myself questioning everything he said and did, which in turn makes me question myself.

Considering you were "never his girlfriend," maybe he should stop coming around and visiting the "never his dog."

dandylion

QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, and QUACK!!! MANIPULATION ALERT!!!!

Using the dog to get to someone is one of the oldest tricks in the book. I doubt that he cares about the dog as much as he is claiming.

dandylion

onlythetruth

"All" alcoholics are not heartless. Alcoholics are...well, people, and as awful and terrible as they can be, they are not all the same. Many, in fact, particularly females, are people-pleasers who are so guilt-ridden over having an addiction that they are like human doormats.

I say this not to diminish the agony of living with or trying to extricate yourself from a relationship with an active alcoholic. That is a terrible experience indeed. But I do think there is a tendency sometimes to want to think that all alcoholics behave and think the same way...and they do not.