Do you ever
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
Do you ever
Do you ever look at the after math of being involved with an active A and wonder.....was a totally used? Am I really that fat? Did they ever really love me? Did they just use me the entire time? in the end I know it does not matter because you have to rebuild your life one way or another. When you set your boundaries and no longer put up with their out of control behavior ....do they turn on you or have they always felt this way! I have and still doing pretty good w/o my XABF and I consider that a true blessing! However, for whatever reason this morning I ask myself......
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Yes. Yes I have asked all those questions. And yes, I believe the answer to whether or not I was used is Yes. Addicts and alcoholics USE PEOPLE, and use everything else they come in contact with, so that they can get and use drugs and alcohol. Their jobs are used to make money to feed their addictions, their cars are for getting them to thise jobs and allowing them to pick up their DOC. Their spouses are used to support them in SURVIVAL and getting their basic human needs met. Their friends are used to support their addictive thinking and addictive behaviors and activities. EVERYONE and EVERYTHING else that does not support the addiction falls by the wayside, is discarded, including children.
I think it also depends on the stage of addiction or alcoholism they are in, though. The later stages that is ALL they are focused on, getting and using. In the earlier stages of the disease, the obsession may not be as great and they are still able to maintain some semblance of healthy, normal relating with the people and objects of the world. The longer they drink though, the sicker they get.
I think it also depends on the stage of addiction or alcoholism they are in, though. The later stages that is ALL they are focused on, getting and using. In the earlier stages of the disease, the obsession may not be as great and they are still able to maintain some semblance of healthy, normal relating with the people and objects of the world. The longer they drink though, the sicker they get.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Please also understand that, as human beings, we need touch and affection and love. When we're with someone romantically who does not give those things to us, we can feel unattractive, unworthy, unloved. We start to blame ourselves and these things affect our mental health. It is a downward spiral.
Trying to be romantically involved with an addict or alcoholic is very unsatisfying. They CANNOT relate to us in normal, healthy ways. It is very difficult to stop yourself once you have started on that downward spiral. But you can do it. You have to build yourself back up. You have to recognize and remember your strengths and all of the good things about you. You have to surround yourself with people who are positive, healthy, and supportive. Take back your life. Take back your thoughts.
Trying to be romantically involved with an addict or alcoholic is very unsatisfying. They CANNOT relate to us in normal, healthy ways. It is very difficult to stop yourself once you have started on that downward spiral. But you can do it. You have to build yourself back up. You have to recognize and remember your strengths and all of the good things about you. You have to surround yourself with people who are positive, healthy, and supportive. Take back your life. Take back your thoughts.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
i have been asking myself those questions every single day. xabf broke up with me and kicked me out last weekend, telling me he didn't love me enough to fight for us. a mere two weeks before, we enjoyed an amazing trip to hawaii, where he actually thought about proposing. we've broken up several times, but this is the second BIG break up, in which he has stated that me blaming rum for all of our problems (when he CLEARLY doesn't have a problem) is the reason we are through. oh, yeah, and i'm a liar, a cheater, i deserve to be treated poorly, blah, blah, blah...all while is he is mr. perfect stumbling around, dropping lit cigarettes, and drunkenly rambling. the truth is rum DID get in the way of our relationship, and the fact that he feels guilty drinking around me and resentful of me are the reasons he kicked me to the curb. i simply got in the way of the lady in the bottle.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
My RAexH said so much more than all that. For 10 years.
Eventually you will have to take yourself off of the rollercoaster. Even if he is gone. I hear my RAH voice in my head, telling me
"Nobody wants a 40 plus year old with a kid. NO one will put up with your b*tchyness."
He is well gone, but my inner critic fears those things to begin with.
So, we have to step off the ride, the whole way, and remove the original tapes.
They were already there.
HE just had radar for them, and gave them a voice outside of my own head.
I find writing my fears, and the tapes that run in my head down is really helping.
It is abuse, btw. Psychological and emotional abuse.
Now he is gone, you have to decide to stop using him as an exterior weapon to attack yourself with.
Also, mine was atelling me he loved me and I was all he ever wanted, and he needed me to move into his house with our son less than 8 weeks ago. He is now dating because I wanted us to address some more issues before all that.
And he is sober, so dont kid yourself that, had he just gotten sober, it would all be OK> Alcoholics have deeper issues more than not.
Eventually you will have to take yourself off of the rollercoaster. Even if he is gone. I hear my RAH voice in my head, telling me
"Nobody wants a 40 plus year old with a kid. NO one will put up with your b*tchyness."
He is well gone, but my inner critic fears those things to begin with.
So, we have to step off the ride, the whole way, and remove the original tapes.
They were already there.
HE just had radar for them, and gave them a voice outside of my own head.
I find writing my fears, and the tapes that run in my head down is really helping.
It is abuse, btw. Psychological and emotional abuse.
Now he is gone, you have to decide to stop using him as an exterior weapon to attack yourself with.
Also, mine was atelling me he loved me and I was all he ever wanted, and he needed me to move into his house with our son less than 8 weeks ago. He is now dating because I wanted us to address some more issues before all that.
And he is sober, so dont kid yourself that, had he just gotten sober, it would all be OK> Alcoholics have deeper issues more than not.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by shawty80 
i have been asking myself those questions every single day. xabf broke up with me and kicked me out last weekend, telling me he didn't love me enough to fight for us. a mere two weeks before, we enjoyed an amazing trip to hawaii, where he actually thought about proposing. we've broken up several times, but this is the second BIG break up, in which he has stated that me blaming rum for all of our problems (when he CLEARLY doesn't have a problem) is the reason we are through. oh, yeah, and i'm a liar, a cheater, i deserve to be treated poorly, blah, blah, blah...all while is he is mr. perfect stumbling around, dropping lit cigarettes, and drunkenly rambling. the truth is rum DID get in the way of our relationship, and the fact that he feels guilty drinking around me and resentful of me are the reasons he kicked me to the curb. i simply got in the way of the lady in the bottle.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
thank you, l2l! i have to keep reminding myself that it is NOT my fault and that i am NOT all of the horrible things he has said. i feel very fortunate to have the support of his parents. his mother is the child of an alcoholic, so he's really not fooling them at all. his friends? now that's a different story. they have vacillated between acknowledging his addiction (*cough cough* his boss bought a breathalyzer specifically for those mornings when xabf showed up to work drunk) and suggesting that i am the only one who believes his consumption to be a problem. then again, his boss has had his license suspended for a dui, so...you know...i guess xabf is keeping good company. 
it is hurtful thinking about him painting the worst picture possible of me and proudly displaying it for his friends, though. he was previously married to a ra, and i believe part of the reason they divorced was because he refused to admit his problem. i've never been drunk in my life (nor buzzed), and living with him was hard. i can't imagine what his newly sober wife went through!! his parents have given me a lot of wonderful advice, and only within the last few days told me that the conversations they were having with me mimicked those they had with his ex wife. that helped me refocus my sadness and realize (at least in the moment) that it really ISN'T about me.
misty <3
it is hurtful thinking about him painting the worst picture possible of me and proudly displaying it for his friends, though. he was previously married to a ra, and i believe part of the reason they divorced was because he refused to admit his problem. i've never been drunk in my life (nor buzzed), and living with him was hard. i can't imagine what his newly sober wife went through!! his parents have given me a lot of wonderful advice, and only within the last few days told me that the conversations they were having with me mimicked those they had with his ex wife. that helped me refocus my sadness and realize (at least in the moment) that it really ISN'T about me.
misty <3
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It's not about you Misty, really. Everything in the world revolves around the alcoholic, from the alcoholic's viewpoint. Misty, really, if you are not even a drinker, never been buzzed or drunk, what in the world are you DOING with an alcoholic? Need to investigate that, I think. Have you gone to Al-Anon? It's easy to react to all the hurtful things the alcoholic does. I know, I've been stuck in it for over a month now. What is HARD is shifting the obsessive focus from the alcoholic to the self. But it is crucial to do so, so that you do not repeat this mistake. That is, unless you WANT to repeat this mistake.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Read this thread and see how the A uses you to blame for everything that goes wrong in a relationship because of their behavior: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...g-session.html
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
yes, i've gone to al-anon, and i know i need to high-tail it back! i definitely feel that i have abandonment issues (my dad has been out of my life since i was 13, and i'm now 32) and have been trying to find that guy who will make me feel validated. i *know* that i have a ton of amazing qualities, but i still feel the need for my guy to reinforce that knowledge, even though i am perfectly capable of doing so on my own.
sadly, this is not my first go-round with an addict. my previous boyfriend couldn't do anything without tokin' it up first. my xabf felt so different when we first got together, though, and i think, not being a drinker, it took me a while to figure out that what he was doing to himself was simply not normal.
sadly, this is not my first go-round with an addict. my previous boyfriend couldn't do anything without tokin' it up first. my xabf felt so different when we first got together, though, and i think, not being a drinker, it took me a while to figure out that what he was doing to himself was simply not normal.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Yes, I have abandonment issues too. I've figured out this week that all but one of the guys I have been in serious relationships with have abandoned me. Some for drugs, some just moved away, some moved on to other relationships. It is definitely connected to my alcoholic dad. He was the first to abandon me for his drug of choice. I don't know how to stop this pattern but I am working on it with a therapist, going to Al-Anon, going to AA, and reading as much as I can.
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