Newbie, my story, need advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 6
Newbie, my story, need advice
Hello, I've been married to my AH for 13 years. He started drinking when he was 12, we met when we were in college. I was 19 & he was 24. He was a light social drinker at the time and so was I. Our relationship was great, he was kind, funny, and we had a lot of friends.
Fast forward 4 years and we were married. He was in his last year of college and working full time & I had started my career. One year before our wedding my mom was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer. Two months after we married I got pregnant.
That was when the nightly drinking started and he dropped out of college and decided to open a restaurant "to provide for our family." 3 years later I still had my day job but ee had to close the restaurant because it wasn't making money.
He got depressed and didn't do anything for sixmonths, I gave him an ultimatum...provide for our family or get out. By that time he would get so drunk at night he would fall over. We lost most of our.friends because he would get drunk and criticize them. Once they were gone he started in on me. Because my mom was on her deathbed I just put up with it. Then he went into business with my step dad.
After my mom died I said no more drinking or we are getting divorced. He quit, on his own. I was so proud & I had my husband back. The following year our home was destroyed by a shoddy roofer and a rainstorm. We moved in with my in laws while we had a battle between our insurance and the roofers insurance.
Three years later we settled out of court and he celebrated by bringing home a bottle of wine. He hasn't had a sober night since. I was planning to leave when my health rapidly deteriorated.
I can't dress, bathe,
We now have a 12 year old and a six year old. I work full time from home but I am so ill
that I require week long hospital stays every 3 or so months. I have lost the ability to drive, I need help dressing, walking, driving, etc.. He closed the plumbing company and went back to school.
Now I don't know what to do. I can't care for myself or my kids alone. My disease is autoimmune and stress aggrivates my symptoms. He is sweet as can be during the day, then at night he yells at me for destroying his businesses (total alcoholic bs) & making him get bad grades in class. my neurologist says I should be on disability but my AH refuses to work and for my kids I need to keep a roof over their heads, feed them, and love them but I feel like life is just s##& now and there's no way out.
It's gotten to the point where he writes on his hand to be nice to me at night and he's still a jerk.
I've tried talking (useless with a drunk), ignoring (he will follow me around to keep talking nonsense), had a family intervention....I don't know what to do? I rely on him for my physical needs and I certainly wouldn't leave without my kids. Can someone help, please. I'm afraid I will die. When my symptoms flare, the muscles used for breathing and swallowing stop working. I've been lucky to get to the hospital in time so far but I always worry and he has zero drive to work and spends $50/day on wine and cigarette...urrgh! I feel like such an idiot. Thank you for any insight, kind or harsh, I can take it. I just need things to change.
Fast forward 4 years and we were married. He was in his last year of college and working full time & I had started my career. One year before our wedding my mom was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer. Two months after we married I got pregnant.
That was when the nightly drinking started and he dropped out of college and decided to open a restaurant "to provide for our family." 3 years later I still had my day job but ee had to close the restaurant because it wasn't making money.
He got depressed and didn't do anything for sixmonths, I gave him an ultimatum...provide for our family or get out. By that time he would get so drunk at night he would fall over. We lost most of our.friends because he would get drunk and criticize them. Once they were gone he started in on me. Because my mom was on her deathbed I just put up with it. Then he went into business with my step dad.
After my mom died I said no more drinking or we are getting divorced. He quit, on his own. I was so proud & I had my husband back. The following year our home was destroyed by a shoddy roofer and a rainstorm. We moved in with my in laws while we had a battle between our insurance and the roofers insurance.
Three years later we settled out of court and he celebrated by bringing home a bottle of wine. He hasn't had a sober night since. I was planning to leave when my health rapidly deteriorated.
I can't dress, bathe,
We now have a 12 year old and a six year old. I work full time from home but I am so ill
that I require week long hospital stays every 3 or so months. I have lost the ability to drive, I need help dressing, walking, driving, etc.. He closed the plumbing company and went back to school.
Now I don't know what to do. I can't care for myself or my kids alone. My disease is autoimmune and stress aggrivates my symptoms. He is sweet as can be during the day, then at night he yells at me for destroying his businesses (total alcoholic bs) & making him get bad grades in class. my neurologist says I should be on disability but my AH refuses to work and for my kids I need to keep a roof over their heads, feed them, and love them but I feel like life is just s##& now and there's no way out.
It's gotten to the point where he writes on his hand to be nice to me at night and he's still a jerk.
I've tried talking (useless with a drunk), ignoring (he will follow me around to keep talking nonsense), had a family intervention....I don't know what to do? I rely on him for my physical needs and I certainly wouldn't leave without my kids. Can someone help, please. I'm afraid I will die. When my symptoms flare, the muscles used for breathing and swallowing stop working. I've been lucky to get to the hospital in time so far but I always worry and he has zero drive to work and spends $50/day on wine and cigarette...urrgh! I feel like such an idiot. Thank you for any insight, kind or harsh, I can take it. I just need things to change.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello needhelp, Welcome to SR!
I'm so sorry to hear about your health. That must be very scary
You certainly do not need the added stress of livng with an abusive alcoholic. Yes, I used the word abuse because IMHO, that is what he is dishing out.
I wish I could offer you some sort of magic cure for your husband, but it just doesn't work that way. The sad truth is that he will reach for sobriety only if and when the pain from the consequences of drinking is greater than the pain of having to live without his 'crutch'.
Whether or not to you ask him to leave is not a decision you have to make right this instant. But, if it were me, I would take steps to secure my finances (separate account in my name only) and health insurance as well as make copies of all important papers like my children's birth certificates, tax returns, etc. and keep them in a bank safe deposit box in my name only.
I'm sure others will be along soon to offer their Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H). You and your children, as well as your husband, will be in my thoughts and prayers.
HG
I'm so sorry to hear about your health. That must be very scary
You certainly do not need the added stress of livng with an abusive alcoholic. Yes, I used the word abuse because IMHO, that is what he is dishing out.I wish I could offer you some sort of magic cure for your husband, but it just doesn't work that way. The sad truth is that he will reach for sobriety only if and when the pain from the consequences of drinking is greater than the pain of having to live without his 'crutch'.
Whether or not to you ask him to leave is not a decision you have to make right this instant. But, if it were me, I would take steps to secure my finances (separate account in my name only) and health insurance as well as make copies of all important papers like my children's birth certificates, tax returns, etc. and keep them in a bank safe deposit box in my name only.
I'm sure others will be along soon to offer their Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H). You and your children, as well as your husband, will be in my thoughts and prayers.
HG
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
How about some real, discreet steps you can take today, toward progress?
Start somewhere, and see what happens. Think that you have a REAL situation, and could use some help. Do not think that you may not be badly off enough, poor enough, beaten enough, etc. to ask these places for help. They are broader in scope than just those situations, and can at the very least hear your details and possibly have more ideas for you to pursue.
Coming here to SR was a great first step to be able to meet online support, welcome!
CLMI
- Contact any local women's shelters. They can help you to know what resources are available in your particular community.
- Contact a few local churches, ask if they could help you to bridge you over until a more permanent solution can come.
- Adult social services may be able to help you also, and aid you in applying for disability and getting housing, etc.
- Your personal physician may also be able to connect you with the appropriate folks for help toward disability, etc.
- Your local Salvation Army or Goodwill would probably also know local resources available toward those who need help transitioning into a different situtation.
Start somewhere, and see what happens. Think that you have a REAL situation, and could use some help. Do not think that you may not be badly off enough, poor enough, beaten enough, etc. to ask these places for help. They are broader in scope than just those situations, and can at the very least hear your details and possibly have more ideas for you to pursue.
Coming here to SR was a great first step to be able to meet online support, welcome!
CLMI
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 6
Thank you all for your input. Has anyone gotten their AH to leave?
We bought the house I grew up in from my step dad after my mom passed.
Not only is of sentimental, it has a ramp, grab bars, and double railings.
This may sound ridiculous but I feel if anyone should.leave it should be him.
We bought the house I grew up in from my step dad after my mom passed.
Not only is of sentimental, it has a ramp, grab bars, and double railings.
This may sound ridiculous but I feel if anyone should.leave it should be him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by needhelpplz123 
Thank you all for your input. Has anyone gotten their AH to leave?
We bought the house I grew up in from my step dad after my mom passed.
Not only is of sentimental, it has a ramp, grab bars, and double railings.
This may sound ridiculous but I feel if anyone should.leave it should be him.
We bought the house I grew up in from my step dad after my mom passed.
Not only is of sentimental, it has a ramp, grab bars, and double railings.
This may sound ridiculous but I feel if anyone should.leave it should be him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm so sorry you have so much on your plate. I agree with you, something needs to change. He isn't changing.
I'll echo all the great suggestions that catlovermi gave. Gather all the info you can. Medical info for you, legal info from a consult with a lawyer, info from your social services office to see how they can help with gap services for your children. I used gap services for about 12mos and it was tremendously helpful. Social services may also have programs that can assist with your needs. You may qualify for some programs that would help with your personal care, housekeeping, etc. You could also speak with your doctor about home health services.
Yes - this is what I did.
Many thoughts to you. Please continue to post. There is so much support here. You and your children deserve a home of serenity and calm, your life depends on it.
I'll echo all the great suggestions that catlovermi gave. Gather all the info you can. Medical info for you, legal info from a consult with a lawyer, info from your social services office to see how they can help with gap services for your children. I used gap services for about 12mos and it was tremendously helpful. Social services may also have programs that can assist with your needs. You may qualify for some programs that would help with your personal care, housekeeping, etc. You could also speak with your doctor about home health services.
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Depending on the laws of your state, you can file for divorce and ask for use and possession of the family home. Can't give legal advice here so you'd need to ask an attorney.
Many thoughts to you. Please continue to post. There is so much support here. You and your children deserve a home of serenity and calm, your life depends on it.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Also, I don't know what state you live in but by contacting Social Services, you could apply for all kinds of different programs that provide in-home assistance. If you want to go this route, PM me and I can do some research on this for you, as I know a little about this topic.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
I never thought I could get my AH to leave our home, but he did. Can you ask him to leave, at least for a while so you can both clear your heads? Or can you and your kids go stay with family? Sounds like you really need to get away from him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 6
Thank you everyone! I started the disability paperwork yesterday. I'm also going to start going to Al Anon with my kids. Thankfully I have the support of my in laws and friends. They have watched this unravel. It has been a slow descent to where we are now. Tonight was the final straw for me.
He was drunk and rambling about how lucky I was to have him and that any other man would have left if their wife was so disabled. I responded with the fact that I have been dealing with his disease for 16 years but unlike him I seek treatment and fight for my health while he is busy spending money we don't have that feeds his disease.
He flipped out and threw a glass of water on me, while I was sitting on my heating pad. When I tried to leave the room he followed me spouting hateful gibberish, so I called his mom and put him on the phone with her. I said you need to pick him up or I'm calling the cops. I could have been electrocuted.
He tried to downplay everything. Thankfully she knows her son and he is at least out of the house for the moment.
I'm a wreck, worried about the kids and making it but I just can't deal with it anymore
He was drunk and rambling about how lucky I was to have him and that any other man would have left if their wife was so disabled. I responded with the fact that I have been dealing with his disease for 16 years but unlike him I seek treatment and fight for my health while he is busy spending money we don't have that feeds his disease.
He flipped out and threw a glass of water on me, while I was sitting on my heating pad. When I tried to leave the room he followed me spouting hateful gibberish, so I called his mom and put him on the phone with her. I said you need to pick him up or I'm calling the cops. I could have been electrocuted.
He tried to downplay everything. Thankfully she knows her son and he is at least out of the house for the moment.
I'm a wreck, worried about the kids and making it but I just can't deal with it anymore
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 6
worried about decision and kids
I'm still appalled at last nights behavior but now the questions are rolling in from the kids. They didn't deserve this. They want to go to church and brunch, well I can't drive and I'm not going to my in laws for a big fake apology. I HATE this
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: My Own Headspace
Posts: 158
You are definitely fighting the good fight for you, and for your children.
Please don't give up.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years, or less (or more)?
As many have already mentioned, keeping a paper trail is very important.
That may not be important now, but it may be helpful in the future.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, and wish I had some words of wisdom for you.
Please stick around here, and listen to the words of those who have experienced similar circumstances.
We're here for you.
Please don't give up.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years, or less (or more)?
As many have already mentioned, keeping a paper trail is very important.
That may not be important now, but it may be helpful in the future.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, and wish I had some words of wisdom for you.
Please stick around here, and listen to the words of those who have experienced similar circumstances.
We're here for you.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by needhelpplz123
Yes. but I'm not emotionally ready to go out. Trying to absorb what just happened,, I'm a. stress ball. My dad just picked the kids up to go swim.
Yay dad!
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