Freedom1990

For too many years I lived my life around trying to please everyone. It's a miserable way to live, and I lost myself horribly in the process.

My happiness and well-being is no longer contingent on what others are/aren't doing. It's a gift, and one I chose to embrace each day.

Cyranoak

Do what you want to do, not what he wants you to do. You are codependant upon him and enabling his drinking. You can't stop him drinking but you don't have to help, and you don't have to be a designated driver. He doesn't make you do it, you choose to do it.

Unless, of course, you are afraid of him. Then it adds a whole new layer to this situation which I'm not qualified to discuss.

GettingBy

Wow... I was the recipient of the same emotional manipulation for years. I was told all the time, "Why can't you just be happy?" So I went along for the ride because I really didn't want to be known as the "party-pooper". But the simple fact was - I was not happy. I did not enjoy getting drunk or being around people getting drunk. That's it. And when I got honest with myself about the WHY - it became easier (not easy... just easier!) to communicate that in a calm, non-confrontational way. I no longer tried to manipulate the situation back by begging my ex not to go, or asking him to go but not drink. It was simple - we were both adults free to make our own choices. I had to choose to put myself in situations I enjoyed and made me feel good. I would no longer put myself in situations I was uncomfortable in.

What ultimately came of it... was our lifestyles were not capability... and I'm okay with that. I know who I am, and what I want... and like Ms. PinkAcres said, "What other people think of me is none of my business!"

I too hope that you step back and think about what's good for YOU and YOUR sobriety! Make choices that honor you

Fandy

i don't want to open a can of worms Sam, but WHY is your own husband bad-mouthing HIS WIFE to others? He's supposed to be on your side. you have to think where this is coming from... and why.

life can be stressful enough without the home team sabotaging what is important to you.

I don't like that he belittles you to his drinking friends...and you know this, sense hostility from all angles. Being bullied by a drunk spouse is no way to live. (I 've been there)

NYCDoglvr

As an adult you are entitled to say no. You have a choice to go or not to go. Another reason not to go is because they're drunks. You are taking a huge risk on loosing the sobriety you have by being around active alcoholics.

fourmaggie

you do have choices....and one is not to go and engage...but that is up to you....

you say you are sober, but your husband is not....a 12 step program like AL ANON/AA can help also...

i live healthy for me...and i make the choices and boundaries for me...you have them too...

DarkDays

No way I would be pressured into that ghastly situation, I would tell them all to f off and leave me alone, but thats me.

Good luck and take care whatever you decide.

Vantrina

Truer words have never been spoken. It is not uncommon for former drinking buddies and so called "friends" to suddenly find issue with your new found or ongoing sobriety. Sad but true. Headstrong, thank you for putting it so well.

SamanthaIam

I decided to go, and I made it -- thanks to all of your wise and helpful comments. I agree so much that I should not have to ever go into pressure situations like that. You are all so right. I felt like I would just go this one last time, observe, listen, learn and in a sober way take note of what's happening in this relationship and to me.

And I was too weak/chicken to not go this time. The grief I'd get is more painful and longer lasting than just going, so I chose the lesser of 2 evils (for now). But I didn't drink. And yes, it was my choice, ultimately. to go. I don't mean to play victim... it just was very, very nice to get some support here and BE UNDERSTOOD here on SR. thank you again.

As some of your mentioned, I have much bigger problems in my marriage than this weekend. AH is a narcissist, and he basically has 2 speeds -- self-grandiosity, or rage. I'm working on what to do with this marriage... I know that narcissists cannot change and are not wired for anything other than grandiosity or rage. But my first order of business is my own sobriety.

Again, thank you all... the weekend was about what I expected but I feel like I got through it better just knowing that all of your here understood me.

Learn2Live

Laurie described it best the other day. Alcoholics and addicts are Self-Will Run Riot. I think I'm going to look for the bumper sticker and plaster it on my arm so I remember from here on out what alcoholics and addicts are like.

Florence

If you're damned if you do, damned if you don't, I'd "don't" and find something more fun to do while he's gone since it's all going to blow up in your face anyway.

We aren't responsible for making other people like us. Their dislike of you -- if indeed that's what this is -- is reflective of them and their values, not you. And that's okay.

***************
EDIT: Whoops! I see you've already gone away for the weekend. Glad it was bearable.

Fandy

you survived and it's over and done with. You might convey your opinions to your husband and ask him to give you the respect of checking with you before he commits again.

we're stronger in sobriety to stand up for ourselves. We don't have to be doormats just because we are worried about shizstorms from other drunks. You are coming up an entire MONTH and look how far you have come??? congrats.

SamanthaIam

thanks, Fandy! I'm proud of myself for not drinking.

It's time to address those issues in my new non-drinking life - like why I continue to tolerate the disrespect from my H, and what I'm going to do about it now. While drinking, all I did was try to talk to him in the hope that he would magically change... but at the same time, by default putting up with it and even enabling/encouraging it by really doing nothing but complaining. I've been very stubborn that way.

I do feel that with a clear/non-drunken head I can formulate better choices for myself.

Are alcoholics like me welcome at Al-Anon?

MsPINKAcres

yes! the only request at my home group is that you limit your discussion to the "codependent" recovery issues rather than your alcoholic recovery issues ~

it would difficult for members who are also dealing with active alcoholism/addiction to hear active drinking stories in a meeting that they attend to help deal with their loved ones ~

But please seek out the meetings ~ they have helped me tremendously & I believe they are a great asset to anyone's recovery

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Cyranoak

Hi Sam,

I think you did great this weekend, and you came out of it having grown. There are many, many alcoholics who go to Alanon and they are very welcome there. The trick, however, is to remember that Alanon is not about you and your drinking-- that's what AA is for. Alanon has but one purpose, to help families of alcoholics. It is about how you are being affected by somebody else's drinking.

Keep anonymous about your alcoholism during Alanon meetings and you'll not rub anybody in the wrong way. I know that's easier said than done, but one of the principals of Alanon is that people are supposed to stay anonymous about other programs in which they participate so the focus remains on Alanon recovery.

Take care,

Cyranoak

SamanthaIam

I want to check out Al-Anon for the co-dependent issues in my relationship -- but oddly enough, it's not his drinking that is the main problem, it's more his narcissism and power/control that I find driving my behavior. Like trying to keep him from yelling or pouting or punishing me, thinking I can control that stuff by being a suckup or hiding my thoughts and feelings. As far as his drinking, I don't care if he chooses to drink, I just want to be clear about what choices I make when he does.

Last weekend, for instance, it would have been wiser and more self-empowered if I had just said NO to going. But I went in order to dodge his disapproval and punishment. I just went to bed when the others started hitting the hard stuff at night... and I didn't feel guilty about it, although he tried to shame me, implying that I was rejecting him by going off to bed. Wow, how many light years is this away from the notion that he could support me in not drinking? But truly, I do not expect that or even want it. I just want him not to be mad at me when I make a choice that's better for me -- or better yet, I want to not respond/not feel all edgy and nervous when he has one of his tantrums.

Maybe all of this will become more obvious the further I get into sobriety.

SamanthaIam

Also, thanks for the heads up on keeping AA and Al-Anon separate. That makes total sense.

jamaicamecrazy

Alcoholic behavior is not limited to when they are actively drinking. His narcissistic personality and rages are all part of the package. It sounds like you need to be able to set more definitive boundaries to help you stay sober and not react to his behavior. The tiptoeing around his needs is one of those patterns of behavior that codependents engage in and then we lose sight of what is best for us. Al Anon is a great tool to learn how to look out for what is best for us and how to set those boundaries. My group has several "double winners" and they don't hide their addictions. They bring an enlightening perspective into our meetings.

24Years

Hi SamanthaIam,

I had a thought since you are speaking of you AH's personality. Since it appears clear that his behaviors have had control of your actions (you are responding based on what you think will give the least flack); I think learning more about detachment will be very beneficial to you. Detachment (among many things) helps you to make the best choice for yourself while not internalizing their negativity. I have to be honest that I believe I wouldn't be able to live in such a situation (at least not for long), but I would be able to apply detachment in order to make choices that take care of me (doing things I enjoy no matter the outcome on his part...not putting myself through hell...etc.). In my own case, I detached often when STBXAH was intoxicated or emotionally abusive, and though I believe it drove a wedge (brought out how different we were), I was protected from his responses (they didn't bring me down or control me).

I hope that is helpful to you. Take Care and best wishes.

ZiggyB

Eh this was the story of my life for around 3 years. Axbf never understood why I didn't want to constantly be hanging out with HIS friends all of the time. Uh, maybe it's because they all drink too much and smoke and many of them are totally obnoxious? And when he gets around them he acts the same way? And yes I have other things to do with my life and I don't think that is callous.

I do not miss those people at all, and I certainly don't miss the guilt trips and the manipulation like I was some anti-social wierdo...