Went NC...e/s/h needed
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Went NC...e/s/h needed
I went NC today with my separated AH.* E/S/H needed - how do I proceed, what to expect from him, when will I be ready for divorce, why NC is necessary. I know he is an alcoholic and that is the root cause of all of our marital problems. You can disregard my rant below, I just needed to get it all of my chest.***
*
Crisis hit in March and AH left me in May and got a 6-month lease. After four months of indulging AH's stonewalling, blaming, critisicm, blaming, up and down moods, and my AH telling me how he doesn't see how things will work out between us, I'd had enough. Two weeks ago,*I let AH know I was tired of our situation.* He promptly texted me a few days later about thinking about moving forward with me, he's wearing his wedding band again, and wants to take me to dinner.
*
*Well that dinner turned into a lunch today. I did not have high*expectations for the lunch, but I*tried to have an open mind that maybe he is willing to work on the marriage.* What is the first thing he says after we get past the pleasantries of small talk and him asking me what's on my mind*- he says once again he doesn't see how things will work out!*I laughed and said, what else is new, did you*invite me to lunch to break up with me again?*I told him how full of sh*t he was and why bother telling me he's thinking about moving forward, and that I have my serious doubts about our future together as well. He said that nothing has changed, which I agreed. I told him*I do not want to hear from him. If he texts or calls, I will ignore/delete everything. The only acceptable*communication is via email and has to be about the house affairs only. Anything else I will delete it.
*
I got up and left*and*AH chased me out of the restaurant,* I told him how selfish he has been and how that will never change. I told him matter of factly that it occurred to me yesterday that this will never be the relationship I want or need, and that I do not want to hear from him. He looked hurt and*said I would be hearing from his attorney. Told him to F off and hopped in my car.*
*
Sorry for the rant, it's*the bizarre behavior that is now just laughable. He pulled away, but didn't want to lose me when I pulled away, so he tried to reel me back in. Little did he know how much stronger I've become over the last two months. I realize how very very sick my AH is. My heart goes out to him, despite my feelings anger and hurt. Thanks to SR, Al-Anon, and my counselor. BUt this is only hour 2 of NC, so e/s/h needed!
*
*
Crisis hit in March and AH left me in May and got a 6-month lease. After four months of indulging AH's stonewalling, blaming, critisicm, blaming, up and down moods, and my AH telling me how he doesn't see how things will work out between us, I'd had enough. Two weeks ago,*I let AH know I was tired of our situation.* He promptly texted me a few days later about thinking about moving forward with me, he's wearing his wedding band again, and wants to take me to dinner.
*
*Well that dinner turned into a lunch today. I did not have high*expectations for the lunch, but I*tried to have an open mind that maybe he is willing to work on the marriage.* What is the first thing he says after we get past the pleasantries of small talk and him asking me what's on my mind*- he says once again he doesn't see how things will work out!*I laughed and said, what else is new, did you*invite me to lunch to break up with me again?*I told him how full of sh*t he was and why bother telling me he's thinking about moving forward, and that I have my serious doubts about our future together as well. He said that nothing has changed, which I agreed. I told him*I do not want to hear from him. If he texts or calls, I will ignore/delete everything. The only acceptable*communication is via email and has to be about the house affairs only. Anything else I will delete it.
*
I got up and left*and*AH chased me out of the restaurant,* I told him how selfish he has been and how that will never change. I told him matter of factly that it occurred to me yesterday that this will never be the relationship I want or need, and that I do not want to hear from him. He looked hurt and*said I would be hearing from his attorney. Told him to F off and hopped in my car.*
*
Sorry for the rant, it's*the bizarre behavior that is now just laughable. He pulled away, but didn't want to lose me when I pulled away, so he tried to reel me back in. Little did he know how much stronger I've become over the last two months. I realize how very very sick my AH is. My heart goes out to him, despite my feelings anger and hurt. Thanks to SR, Al-Anon, and my counselor. BUt this is only hour 2 of NC, so e/s/h needed!
*
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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NC is for YOU. To protect you from all the "stonewalling, blaming, critisicm, blaming, up and down moods, and my AH telling me how he doesn't see how things will work out between us." It's a rollercoaster ride from hell and NC helps you step off. In the meantime, what I try to focus on is (1) survival (2) taking care of myself as best I can (3) going to meetings (4) learning as much as I need to, to alleviate this anxiety.
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It's funny how those A's can inspire hope huh? Despite my (increasingly) low expectations for interacting with him and for our lunch, I thought maybe, just MAYBE, there is a chance for us. I know now there is not. I'll continue taking care of myself and reading as much as I can. Co-dependent No More arrived last week and I plan to dive into that.
My r/s with AH was supposed to be the good one that lasted. We planned to get pregnant this year. I now realize AH is the fourth addict with whom I've been seriously involved. Two of those addict were practically carbon copies of each other. My love, my AH, the addiction manifested so differently. It's a shame and I'm crushed and heartbroken.
It will be our third wedding anniversary on Tuesday.
My r/s with AH was supposed to be the good one that lasted. We planned to get pregnant this year. I now realize AH is the fourth addict with whom I've been seriously involved. Two of those addict were practically carbon copies of each other. My love, my AH, the addiction manifested so differently. It's a shame and I'm crushed and heartbroken.
It will be our third wedding anniversary on Tuesday.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
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Keep reminding yourself:
I am important,
My life matters,
my happiness matters,
and I deserve to be happy.
Codependent No More is a great tool to help you in your recovery. I am re-reading it again. The chapter on grieving may especially be helpful as you grieve the loss of the relationship.
Sending hugs and support!
I am important,
My life matters,
my happiness matters,
and I deserve to be happy.
Codependent No More is a great tool to help you in your recovery. I am re-reading it again. The chapter on grieving may especially be helpful as you grieve the loss of the relationship.
Sending hugs and support!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
Thanks for the recommendation, I'll be sure to look through it. That really is what I'm feeling, a loss. Not just the loss of the relationship. It is the loss of dreams we shared. I realized earlier this week that although I am taking care of myself and getting healthier, I am not focused enough on my recovery. I think too much about him and the anxiety is awful somedays wondering what he's doing. Of course our country club bill shows he's drinking and golfing at the club a lot. There I go again! Id rather not know what he's up to. I keep telling myself he is sick, he is sick, he is sick. I do not need to be sick with him.
So, more reading for MY recovery, more al anon, and more journaling, eating, working out, laughing.
So, more reading for MY recovery, more al anon, and more journaling, eating, working out, laughing.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 104
Oh, mmk, we WERE peas in a pod tonight! I'm sorry you are going through this. I think NC is best too. I realized today that I need to stop taking xabf's calls. I don't even know why I pick up. He doesn't have a place to live, so it's to like he needs his stuff. But I could swear he called drunk at 3 on Tuesday and there was a showing a 4:30. I was petrified that he would come by the house drunk. That's the only reason I haven't blocked his #. But I'll be strong like you and just delete the texts instead of reading and/ or responding. See, you are inspiring me! You are tougher than you think 
And like you, I have a lot of recovery. My first love went to prison for drugs,I married a p@thead, and then have dated two drunks since my divorce. I need to assess why I keep wanting to "fix" others when I need the fixing! I'll be keeping an eye out for posts. I'm sure it will get easier with time.
And like you, I have a lot of recovery. My first love went to prison for drugs,I married a p@thead, and then have dated two drunks since my divorce. I need to assess why I keep wanting to "fix" others when I need the fixing! I'll be keeping an eye out for posts. I'm sure it will get easier with time.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
I never wanted to go "no contact" until I realized that having contact wasn't getting me anywhere...I'm separated from AH too with a child with him and even when we speak regarding our 4 yr old or the "musts", he is still angry with himself and continues to take it out on me. Even if we have a good day or 2, it never lasts and never will until he makes a major change and I also have to prepare myself for the fact he may never make that change.
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When I left my A, I pulled down the whole effing Berlin Wall.
My situation was different; I had the help of a court order explaining he'd land in jail if he contacted me in any way. He tried every way. (I should have reported him and gotten his sorry rear in the slammer, but I didn't; I wasn't ready to. Today, I would.)
For me, the N/C was completely for my benefit. I knew that given enough time and contact, he would be able to wear me down and manipulate me into coming back. He knew that, too, which is why he risked jail to keep up the manipulation.
He contacted everyone of the friends we had in common, and then some. The ones that told him to F off stayed on my friends list. The ones that contacted me to explain to me how sorry he was and how I really owed it to him to give him a second chance got deleted with no response.
Rude? Maybe. Radical? Maybe. But it was what I needed. I knew I needed to move forward without having to deal with the emotional tornado I got caught in every time he even tried to contact me.
After about two years, I got to the point where I no longer get anxiety attacks when I see his name in my e-mail inbox. For me, staying N/C was never a problem -- it was getting him to respect the N/C that was.
My situation was different; I had the help of a court order explaining he'd land in jail if he contacted me in any way. He tried every way. (I should have reported him and gotten his sorry rear in the slammer, but I didn't; I wasn't ready to. Today, I would.)
For me, the N/C was completely for my benefit. I knew that given enough time and contact, he would be able to wear me down and manipulate me into coming back. He knew that, too, which is why he risked jail to keep up the manipulation.
He contacted everyone of the friends we had in common, and then some. The ones that told him to F off stayed on my friends list. The ones that contacted me to explain to me how sorry he was and how I really owed it to him to give him a second chance got deleted with no response.
Rude? Maybe. Radical? Maybe. But it was what I needed. I knew I needed to move forward without having to deal with the emotional tornado I got caught in every time he even tried to contact me.
After about two years, I got to the point where I no longer get anxiety attacks when I see his name in my e-mail inbox. For me, staying N/C was never a problem -- it was getting him to respect the N/C that was.
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Originally Posted by Bluebonnet1 
Oh, mmk, we WERE peas in a pod tonight! I'm sorry you are going through this. I think NC is best too. I realized today that I need to stop taking xabf's calls. I don't even know why I pick up.
But I'll be strong like you and just delete the texts instead of reading and/ or responding. See, you are inspiring me! You are tougher than you think
And like you, I have a lot of recovery.
But I'll be strong like you and just delete the texts instead of reading and/ or responding. See, you are inspiring me! You are tougher than you think
And like you, I have a lot of recovery.
Take care of yourself and stay safe. You TOO are tougher than you think.
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Originally Posted by sweetteewalls
I never wanted to go "no contact" until I realized that having contact wasn't getting me anywhere...I'm separated from AH too with a child with him and even when we speak regarding our 4 yr old or the "musts", he is still angry with himself and continues to take it out on me. Even if we have a good day or 2, it never lasts and never will until he makes a major change and I also have to prepare myself for the fact he may never make that change.
Contact with my AH wasn't getting me anywhere either. My husband has been saying the same thing over and over again for over four months. The more we interact, the more he finds fault in me. A's wont change unless they want to; until then they live in their own reality! AH would constantly nitpick about so many things that I said, it became ridiculous. Atleast I eventually stopped taking the bait every time he sighed heavily or said something was bothering him. If he wouldn't just come out and tell me what the problem was then I let him simmer on it. Tired of all the complaints! Especially when he tries to tell me what a positive frame of mind he's in now with taking all this time for himself and running. But with me it's nag nag nag. Last time I checked, running was not a cure for addiction!
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live
NC is for YOU. To protect you from all the "stonewalling, blaming, critisicm, blaming, up and down moods, and my AH telling me how he doesn't see how things will work out between us." It's a rollercoaster ride from hell and NC helps you step off. In the meantime, what I try to focus on is (1) survival (2) taking care of myself as best I can (3) going to meetings (4) learning as much as I need to, to alleviate this anxiety.
I'd be interested to know how you go about alleviating the anxiety- what has helped you, what do you read, etc.
Anxiety is my biggest threat to my peace of mind. The wondering what he is doing etc. Ive read a ton on SR about alcoholic behaviors that have been more helpful than I could ever express. ODAT, How Al Anon Works, Alcoholics Anonymous, The Addictive Personality, Codependent No More, Praying the Rosary are all on my bedside. My counselor recommended the big book of AA and let me borrow his Joe and Charlie CDs.
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