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Actions Not Words

Old 07-05-2012, 06:32 AM
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Actions Not Words

Hi again,
On July 3rd a co-worker was having a large pre 4th of July party. I thought that it would be fun to go. My AW had a couple large glasses of wine before we left. I didnt think was too strange because she has never been a large social drinker. Well you can probably guess the rest. She proceeded to have a bottle to herself and started on a second. We had to leave before the fireworks started. The last thing she remembers is leaving. No idea of the things she said to me, about me etc. The next morning she is all sorry saying she needs to quit for awhile and doesnt want to ruin our marriage. We spent the day yesterday at another 4th party and had a great time together, like things used to be. One thing that I have learned here is that actions speak much louder than words. I have heard these words from her before and so much wish they were true and that our life could be like yesterday. I am just standing still waiting so see if the actions match the words. But I know one thing, I am not going to stick around for another night of black out abuse.
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Old 07-05-2012, 06:36 AM
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((Grizz))

Actions do speak louder than words or best intentions ~ I pray your wife seeks out help for herself ~ in the meantime, try to continue seeking help for you thru posting here, maybe trying a few al-anon meetings, reading some recovery literature and doing what is healthy for you!

Sounds like you are doing a good job taking good care of you!

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 07-05-2012, 08:48 AM
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Your actions speak, too, Grizz.

Don't forget: Alcoholics hear what we do, not what we say.

July 3: A date with drunkenness and abuse.

July 4: Alcoholic sorries and she gets another date.


She will listen only to what you do, Grizz. Your actions.


Keep recovering and one day you will be able to step off the rollercoaster. In the meantime, we are glad you are here. You are in recovery and things are bound to eventually change for the better.
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Old 07-05-2012, 08:49 AM
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Actions do indeed speak louder than words. Just told this to my AH last night - he can say he's going to go to AA until the cows come home...it means nothing until he actually goes.
Hugs & strength :ghug3to you.
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Old 07-05-2012, 10:55 AM
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Oh I'm sorry Grizz.

I imagine you had high hopes of a nice evening. Instead you got lambasted by a drunk all the way home, missing the big event of the night. That just sucks. I hate alcoholism.
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Old 07-05-2012, 01:23 PM
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:ghug3
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Old 07-05-2012, 01:43 PM
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Thank you everyone for your kind words and encouragement. I guess what makes this one hard is yesterday was such a great day. It was like where we were 10 years ago when we didnt even have alcohol in the house. It makes me ache for those days again and at the same time have an impending doom type feeling that it isnt going to last....which I am afraid is reality
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Old 07-05-2012, 01:55 PM
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at the same time have an impending doom type feeling that it isnt going to last....which I am afraid is reality
Then your 'actions' for this reality have to also speak for you. What are your plans? Go on 'status quo' or set some boundaries for you and what you will do if those boundaries are crossed? You do know that 'leaving' does not necessarily mean divorce? It can mean a separation, that will give you some space, peace and quiet and a chance to clear your head and think about your next move. Just make sure you are doing that for you, not for her, althoughd sometimes it does help the A reach their bottom, that cannot be your motive.

This is the time for you to 'plan' for you, work on you, take CARE OF YOU. Those 'mixed' signals can be a real biotch!

Know that we are walking with you in spirit Grizz.

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-05-2012, 02:10 PM
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Thanks Laurie,
One of the things I respect about this site is the straight up no BS answers that we need. You and a few select others are my favorite, the ones that have been in the trenches far longer than myself that have the tact and graciousness to tell us to put our big boy pants on and get on with life
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Old 07-08-2012, 07:12 AM
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Well, that didn't take very long...she was able to get through the night with only 1 glass for one night. Second night once again she polished through a bottle plus. Nothing happened, no fight, no blow up. Sad part of it she didn't remember. She had to ask the next morning if anything had happened between us. She is in California now until the 16th so all is quiet. It is sad but so true how the stress level went down once she was on the plane. It is also sad but true how the stress level goes back up the closer the time comes for her to come back.


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Old 07-08-2012, 10:51 AM
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Okay, now we know about her.

What about you????

Have you started working on you yet? Have you started working out a 'plan of action' for you?

This is just 'same old' 'same old'. Nothing has changed. You say your stress level is already rising as it gets closer to her return.

Is this how you want your life to be? Because what you have right now is what it will be.

I had a dear friend, she was one of my sponsor's other sponsees. She had 8 years sober when I finally found recovery. Her husband was VERY STRONG ALANON. At one point, he left. Didn't divorce, just left, told her to give him a call when she made up her mind what she was going to do. It took her another almost 2 years, but he was out of the 'front row seat' as he put it.

Yep, they did get back together and had quite a good life when I got to know them. He practiced his Alanon program to the best of his ability every day and she practiced her AA program to the best of her ability every day. Three years ago, something started to happen to her. She drank for about 6 months, but not the way she used to. She had full blown Alzheimers and ended up in an Alzheimers unit with Jerry being with her every day as much as possible. Dot passed away last year. Jerry is still alive and kicking, STILL goes to Alanon to share his message of hope. They were married just 50 years when she passed.

My point is, that Jerry found his OWN WAY. He started working on HIM. He could only hope and pray that Dot would find recovery. He stayed away, and allowed her to fall to her own bottom. He no longer 'propped' her up in any way. He took their two boys with him. His mom watched them when they weren't in school and he took over their care when he got home from work. They both worked at the same company, but different departments in different buildings. So he periodically got word of how she was or was not doing. They both retired from that company and had hoped to have some really great Golden Years together. As it is though, Jerry still raves about the two programs and that IF a couple can work on their own issues, keep their own side of the street clean, not enable each other, there is a chance.

So, again I ask, what are you doing for YOU?

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-08-2012, 01:05 PM
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Thank you, Laurie. Needed that post.

I think the codependent is so afraid of losing the alcoholic that the codependent just won't do what everyone involved needs: take action and step off the merry-go-round of alcoholism.

We become afraid the alcoholic will replace us with someone else.

If the codependent is working the Twelve Steps and has finally accepted Step Three ("Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God"), then the codependent can hand the outcome to God. The codependent can accept that if it is God's will (however one defines God) that the marriage be saved, then eventually it will be. (And not necessarily next week).

Our challenge is to live with some integrity and that means refusing to pretend that things are not what they clearly are. It means naming the Elephant and then taking appropriate action.

Alcoholics hear what we do.
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