Trilogy

Does anyone else do this? I feel as though I have been walking on eggshells for so long to try to keep the peace and now that I have been disengaged for awhile, enjoying my new ability to detach that I will occasionally provoke just for the fun of it- I don't expect anything good to come of it as far as the relationship is cocerned, I even know it will be destructive. Maybe that's what I'm looking for- to hurry up the bottoming out of it. Or to continue to get verification from his extreme, drunkin responses that I am doing the right thing by accepting the relationship is over. Or maybe it is just for the fun of it. Anyone?

feelingalone43

Though I do not deliberately bait my AH, I know what you mean about finally detaching after the "egg-shell walk" as I have done this for years. Now I refuse to allow myself to be his scape goat for stress (verbal sarcasm). I will talk back with confidence and am no longer keeping all my thoughts, opinions, and feelings to myself in case they may not be the same as his.

jessiec

Oh sure, there are times I definitely picked fights, wanted him to "suffer" like I was. It didn't get me anywhere.

amy55

Yes, I've done this. I was always walking on eggshells. Something broke in me or snapped, and I couldn't do it any longer. You see I became more afraid of the eggshells then his abuse.

So this one time when he was trying to goad me,and taunt me, and follow me around until I cracked, I tried detachment. Whatever stupid thing that came out of his mouth, I answered with, "I see", then he started singing "jose can you see, by the stars......."
So after he finished singing the entire national anthymn,(sp) I put on Pink Floyd, and started to sing to him "there's a lunatic inside my head, and its not me !!!!!!)

Then I got just as crazy as he was, and he actually backed off of me. Please don't try this at home.

I have many other examples,worse than that, but suffice it to say, occasionally they may work short term, but then again, you are sinking to their level. The level of a 5 year old, and it doesn't make them stop, and it doesn't make them see themselves.

Trilogy

Thank you all. I really don't expect to get anywhere when I do this and I realize it is sinking to their level but sometimes it is so damn fun- now that I have the power to do it since I am not investing in the relationship anymore. I have been the grown-up in this relationship for 30 years and it feels good to feel like a 5 yr old again once in awhile.

lizatola

I do this at times and it's always when my AH is sober, too. Not sure if that's better, though, LOL. Anyway, I think it's that I'm missing some sort of emotional connection to him. Like I just feel this need to get something(anything) out of this relationship so I provoke him basically to show myself that I am human and I do have emotions and yes, he's still crazy. I am still working on that one and doing well most recently but honestly, it's part of my craziness in the dance we do.

lillamy

I never deliberately provoked him, but once I detached and started making a plan to leave, my behavior changed in ways that provoked him.

The verbal exchange that ended with AXH threatening to kill me was so mundane it's laughable. But because I didn't roll over and play dead as he was accustomed to, it infuriated him.

I don't know what your A is like -- but I would be cautious with provocations. I would never in a million years have thought he'd become violent. Ever. And *boom* there it was.

CeciliaV

I don't know that I've deliberately provoked, but I sure have snapped at times. I'll see myself doing things and saying things I shouldn't...I think that at times I detach from myself and as the words are coming out of my mouth, I know that it's not healthy nor helpful for either of us. Hell, this just happened a couple hours ago!

Seren

This, I think, bears repeating......

Sometimes, I think, we become so addicted to the drama that when it begins to go away with detachment--we actively seek it.