He's sober and NOW I'm angry
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
It's not the anger that is the problem...its how you choose to express it that can become a problem.
That's what I tell my kids. Your feelings are never wrong. They just are. Don't second-guess or belittle your feelings (living with alcoholics, we get really good at that). It's how you act based on your feelings that may or may not be healthy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by Survivor1980 
I'm glad I found this board. Hopefully I can begin to get the help I need.
My dad is an alcoholic and drug addict. He's been sober for about 25 years. He would go out on binges and not come home for days leaving my mom without money or food for my brother and I. She stayed with him and they just celebrated their 35 anniversary. He's much nicer to her now, although if anything ever goes wrong he still blames her.
Unfortuneately, like the children of so many addicts - I married one myself. In my heart I always knew he was an alcoholic, but I'm a codependant so I didn't care. I wanted to "fix" him, and by doing so I would somehow fix my own messed up childhood. If I could only make my marriage "right" then somehow everything in my life would be right. *sigh I was delusional.
So it's been 7 years. We have 4 kids together and he's finally decided to go to AA. This came after one of many night where he stayed out all night, spending up all of our bill money on liquor. I had had enough and told him if he didn't go to AA, I wanted out. So he went and was very happy that he did. He loved the people he met and he admitted he had a problem. A couple weeks later he relapsed, but he called his sponser and is getting back on track. I can honestly say I see a change in him.
The reason why I came here today is because for some reason his recovery has unearthed a terrible rage in me. I don't know why. I should be happy, but I'm angry. When he was drunk all the time and doing stupid things, I felt sorry for him. I would be angry at him, but I would never lash out at him because I felt like I was yelling at someone who was ill. It seemed cruel. Plus being angry with him when he was drinking was like being mad at a brick wall. Nothing I said or did was getting in anyway, so what was the point?
Now, the gloves are off. The last couple of days I have been so mean to him, I don't even recognize myself. When his drinking first started effecting our marriage, I was angry at myself for letting myself continue in the same dysfunctional cycle that my parents showed me. I blamed everything on myself and just sucked it up and did what I had to do for my kids while he was constantly unemployed and spending up my hard earned money on booze and cigarettes. Now he's sober and I'm angry at him. It's so backwards. Why wasn't I mad at him then? Why would all of the resentment and rage come out when he's finally doing the right thing? I'm so confused.
Before I left for work this morning, he told me that yesterday when I lashed out at him was "the worst day of his life". I feel terrible and justified at the same time. I don't understand why I did that to him. What am I going to get out of it? Am I pushing him away because he's no longer my "project"? Am I punishing him for all the years he mistreated me? If so, why now? Why when he's trying to get his act together would I make it so hard for him?
I don't know. I really don't understand why I am being so mean right now. I was just hoping for some insight from people who have been through the early stages of recovery with their loved one because I really need help right now. . .
My dad is an alcoholic and drug addict. He's been sober for about 25 years. He would go out on binges and not come home for days leaving my mom without money or food for my brother and I. She stayed with him and they just celebrated their 35 anniversary. He's much nicer to her now, although if anything ever goes wrong he still blames her.
Unfortuneately, like the children of so many addicts - I married one myself. In my heart I always knew he was an alcoholic, but I'm a codependant so I didn't care. I wanted to "fix" him, and by doing so I would somehow fix my own messed up childhood. If I could only make my marriage "right" then somehow everything in my life would be right. *sigh I was delusional.
So it's been 7 years. We have 4 kids together and he's finally decided to go to AA. This came after one of many night where he stayed out all night, spending up all of our bill money on liquor. I had had enough and told him if he didn't go to AA, I wanted out. So he went and was very happy that he did. He loved the people he met and he admitted he had a problem. A couple weeks later he relapsed, but he called his sponser and is getting back on track. I can honestly say I see a change in him.
The reason why I came here today is because for some reason his recovery has unearthed a terrible rage in me. I don't know why. I should be happy, but I'm angry. When he was drunk all the time and doing stupid things, I felt sorry for him. I would be angry at him, but I would never lash out at him because I felt like I was yelling at someone who was ill. It seemed cruel. Plus being angry with him when he was drinking was like being mad at a brick wall. Nothing I said or did was getting in anyway, so what was the point?
Now, the gloves are off. The last couple of days I have been so mean to him, I don't even recognize myself. When his drinking first started effecting our marriage, I was angry at myself for letting myself continue in the same dysfunctional cycle that my parents showed me. I blamed everything on myself and just sucked it up and did what I had to do for my kids while he was constantly unemployed and spending up my hard earned money on booze and cigarettes. Now he's sober and I'm angry at him. It's so backwards. Why wasn't I mad at him then? Why would all of the resentment and rage come out when he's finally doing the right thing? I'm so confused.
Before I left for work this morning, he told me that yesterday when I lashed out at him was "the worst day of his life". I feel terrible and justified at the same time. I don't understand why I did that to him. What am I going to get out of it? Am I pushing him away because he's no longer my "project"? Am I punishing him for all the years he mistreated me? If so, why now? Why when he's trying to get his act together would I make it so hard for him?
I don't know. I really don't understand why I am being so mean right now. I was just hoping for some insight from people who have been through the early stages of recovery with their loved one because I really need help right now. . .
My partner and I started dating 5 years ago and were engaged in March 2011. Drinking was a big part of our life and our social life (wine/liquor/beer tastings, parties, etc.). In Oct. of 2011, my drinking had spiralled out of control and I went into recovery. My partner is not an alcoholic, but my drinking amplified hers. I also relapsed after a couple weeks, and then again after a couple more weeks before putting together almost 7 months of sobriety in recovery.
As soon as I got 1 month sober, it started. The kind, sweet, loving, vibrant, and supportive woman I'd known was transformed into a rage-filled, bitter, and spiteful lunatic. She hated that I spent so much time on my recovery. Didn't she finally deserve some attention after I'd ended my relationship with alcohol? Wasn't she deserving of a chance to unburden her anger onto me after what I'd put her through? Was I cheating on her with someone in the program? Why was I so unsupportive of her when she'd stuck by me through much, much worse than what she was doing to me? After all, didn't the awful names she'd called me, hateful bouts of fury and venom she spat, and threats to end our engagement over even minor things pale in comparison to what I'd put her through? How dare I threaten to call the police on her when she wouldn't have dreamed of doing that to me? (no, our relationship is/has never been physically abusive)
How dare I walk out the door to go to a meeting in the midst of an argument?
You get the point.
My solution? I left her. I told her that I loved her dearly but that I could not and would not marry her. I explained that I may have sins and transgressions in my past, but that while I understood her anger, healthy relationships don't keep score and that I'd stopped drinking to escape insanity. I suggested that she seek the council of friends, family, and that she finally follow the advice of her therapist and go to Al-Anon. She'd been to a few, but hated them.
She went to a meeting non Friday of that week. This meeting was different for her, and there met a woman with who came with a similar story to her own. That story is essentially your story of rage, anger, etc. That woman is now her Al-Anon sponsor whom she works the steps with and attends Al-Anon meetings with. She describes that Friday meeting as transformational.
My partner feels the same guilt, shame, and remorse about her behavior and attitudes during my sobriety as I do about mine during my active alcoholism. She works just as hard at her recovery as I do (well almost). She says that it's not been an easy transition, but that Al-Anon is one of the best decisions she's ever made. She's happier, most of the time, than she's ever been.
We live separately, for now, but we're rebuilding our relationship on healthier bedrock. We've not ever been happier as a couple, though, or more in love. We're not engaged and aren't in a rush to be, but we both hope to spend the rest of our lives together. However, for now, we're taking it 1 day at a time.
You can both find happiness and serenity in recovery. Best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by anvilhead
I had had enough and told him if he didn't go to AA, I wanted out.
maybe you HAVE had enough but because you gave him a choice - leave or go to AA - he chose AA and now.........you feel......STUCK. dammit, can't you just be a drunk and then i will feel ok with wanting to be done with you? how dare you sober up (for three weeks or whatever it's been) when i was on the threshold to freedom.
you can still be done ANYTIME you wish. for ANY reason. YOU don't have do this....you are not sentenced to feel obligated and imprisoned for the rest of your natural days. but this brings it all back around to YOU again....what if, instead of waiting for his next move, you started calling your own plays?
maybe you HAVE had enough but because you gave him a choice - leave or go to AA - he chose AA and now.........you feel......STUCK. dammit, can't you just be a drunk and then i will feel ok with wanting to be done with you? how dare you sober up (for three weeks or whatever it's been) when i was on the threshold to freedom.
you can still be done ANYTIME you wish. for ANY reason. YOU don't have do this....you are not sentenced to feel obligated and imprisoned for the rest of your natural days. but this brings it all back around to YOU again....what if, instead of waiting for his next move, you started calling your own plays?
Still, relationships needn't to be treated like a disposable happy meal toy or as a irreplaceable commodity. It's about balance. I would recommend not making any brazen decisions, and if it's available, considering finding a therapist for yourself that has experience in working with addicts or codependents of addicts.
Plenty of couples separate during early sobriety or permanently dissolve during the recovery. That's entirely dependent on you. Would it be hard on him and challenge his recovery? If it were me, the answer would be yes, but you can't keep living for his emotions.
Take care of yourself right now. Still, I think there's hope if there's love and patience.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 137
Hi survivor - like you I am a child of alcoholics, and then married one- like you I knew he was, and thought by fixing him I would be 'fixing' my father, mother and brothers!
Now I believe it was not only the desire to fix and therefore control alcoholism but I was in my comfort zone- I had only ever known a life enmeshed in alcoholism.
Like you, my husband is in recovery- he too is selfish and immersed in his recovery- he also only wants to look forward and not address the issues of a marriage of 23 years where he drank every day. He cannot address or acknowledge the hurt he has caused - and I too am angry!
I believe that my anger is caused by the fear of him being sober- it's new territory for me- I have never not lived in a alcohol free relationship before,and I am almost 50. Marriage counselling made it worse as it gave me expectations that my husband cannot address yet. At the moment al anon is my saving grace- it has taught and allowed me to slow down- to change the focus onto me- I find when I take one day at a time, my life becomes manageable- my view for today is that we are both in early recovery, and as long as we can both respect that, that will do for the present.
I have stopped expressing anger as my husband seems unable to cope with it at present, and the only person hurting was me.
So marriage counselling will be put on hold, and instead I shall concentrate on getting to know this new sober husband and this new sober life- I cannot say what the future holds - but today was calm.
Hope this helps
Now I believe it was not only the desire to fix and therefore control alcoholism but I was in my comfort zone- I had only ever known a life enmeshed in alcoholism.
Like you, my husband is in recovery- he too is selfish and immersed in his recovery- he also only wants to look forward and not address the issues of a marriage of 23 years where he drank every day. He cannot address or acknowledge the hurt he has caused - and I too am angry!
I believe that my anger is caused by the fear of him being sober- it's new territory for me- I have never not lived in a alcohol free relationship before,and I am almost 50. Marriage counselling made it worse as it gave me expectations that my husband cannot address yet. At the moment al anon is my saving grace- it has taught and allowed me to slow down- to change the focus onto me- I find when I take one day at a time, my life becomes manageable- my view for today is that we are both in early recovery, and as long as we can both respect that, that will do for the present.
I have stopped expressing anger as my husband seems unable to cope with it at present, and the only person hurting was me.
So marriage counselling will be put on hold, and instead I shall concentrate on getting to know this new sober husband and this new sober life- I cannot say what the future holds - but today was calm.
Hope this helps
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Hi Survivor,
I just wanted to offer some support and to let you know that I care.
I am also an ACOA. I am 27 and I am currently single and totally focused on me and my recovery. I do not have an AH or children that I have to focus on. I knew I was never ready for that. I am a serial monogamist and a love addict. I am currently abstaining from relationships and dating because I feel I need time to myself to focus on me.
Now then, I just wanted to give you some of my background before sharing my experience. From your original post and your responses, it seems to me that you have a hard time focusing on just you. In my opinion, one of the hardest things for a codependent person to do is to focus on self. Even now, when I am totally single and child-free, I feel a level of discomfort being alone. I am in my own spotlight and I am glad to be in this place, but at the same time its damn uncomfortable.
Be angry. Stop trying to be anything else than what you currently are, like Anvilhead suggested. (Side note-Anvil, I love your posts and your perspective on things. You seem very experienced.
) Allow your angry feelings to come out in a way that heals you. Tearing him down and blaming him and all of that does nothing for you or him.
I also went through an angry phase. In fact, I was livid. When I first got away from my family, I was completely hostile and I didn't trust anyone and I expected everyone to dislike me and judge. (And they did because I made that my reality) Eventually, after letting myself be angry for *cough* a few years *cough*....I moved on to other emotions. It has been quite a process for me. And it is one for you too.
There are evening Al-Anon meetings and there are weekend Al-Anon meetings. We also have meetings here a 9pm on Fridays in the chat section. Please don't deny yourself the Al-Anon experience. I denied myself for *years* and I have been going for the past 2 months and I feel so much better for it.
I hope my sharing has helped you in some kind of way. One more thing, Dollydo likes to remind us that *feelings are not facts* They are intense and we feel what we feel, but we don't have to become that. I feel angry, not I *am* angry. You feel angry. There is nothing wrong with you for that. Nothing at all. You feel what you feel.
Many for you.
Love and Light,
Lily
I just wanted to offer some support and to let you know that I care.
I am also an ACOA. I am 27 and I am currently single and totally focused on me and my recovery. I do not have an AH or children that I have to focus on. I knew I was never ready for that. I am a serial monogamist and a love addict. I am currently abstaining from relationships and dating because I feel I need time to myself to focus on me.
Now then, I just wanted to give you some of my background before sharing my experience. From your original post and your responses, it seems to me that you have a hard time focusing on just you. In my opinion, one of the hardest things for a codependent person to do is to focus on self. Even now, when I am totally single and child-free, I feel a level of discomfort being alone. I am in my own spotlight and I am glad to be in this place, but at the same time its damn uncomfortable.
Be angry. Stop trying to be anything else than what you currently are, like Anvilhead suggested. (Side note-Anvil, I love your posts and your perspective on things. You seem very experienced.
) Allow your angry feelings to come out in a way that heals you. Tearing him down and blaming him and all of that does nothing for you or him. I also went through an angry phase. In fact, I was livid. When I first got away from my family, I was completely hostile and I didn't trust anyone and I expected everyone to dislike me and judge. (And they did because I made that my reality) Eventually, after letting myself be angry for *cough* a few years *cough*....I moved on to other emotions. It has been quite a process for me. And it is one for you too.
There are evening Al-Anon meetings and there are weekend Al-Anon meetings. We also have meetings here a 9pm on Fridays in the chat section. Please don't deny yourself the Al-Anon experience. I denied myself for *years* and I have been going for the past 2 months and I feel so much better for it.
I hope my sharing has helped you in some kind of way. One more thing, Dollydo likes to remind us that *feelings are not facts* They are intense and we feel what we feel, but we don't have to become that. I feel angry, not I *am* angry. You feel angry. There is nothing wrong with you for that. Nothing at all. You feel what you feel.
Many
for you. Love and Light,
Lily
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 10
Thank you all so much for your advice. I really appreciate it. You all made some awesome points and I am very grateful I found this board and shared here.
Giving up on my marriage and the life I always pictured for myself will be the hardest thing I have ever done, but I fear it's inevitable. I love him beyond measure, but I can't continue to do this to myself. This is hard for me because I hate failing at things. I'm terrified of making mistakes and I take it very personally when I do. On top of that, I come from a family where no one is divorced. I have no experience with separation or divorce. My father treated my mother and my brother and I with no regard when he was drinking, but my mom stayed with him. She's still with him after 35 years and he treats her much better now (trying to make up for the past), but I don't think I can wait that long to see if my husband will change. The biggest regret I will have is breaking up the family for my children. I don't want them to grow up in a broken home.
Now, I have to take the necessary steps to be on my own. I'm going to start by going to Al Anon. I wonder why my mother never went or took us when we were teens? I wish I would have had the experience. Maybe I would have made better choices. Oh well. . . moving on. I'm just going to start now. That's all I can do.
I've moved past the anger. Now I'm really sad. I'm sad because I've never gotten the love and attention fro the men in my life that I need. I love my father, but he let me down. The same from my husband. I expected things from them that they weren't capable of delivering and I felt like I must not deserve it if the men who claim to love me aren't giving it to me. I felt like I could show them how to love me if I loved them the way I wanted to be loved. Now I realize that the only way I can show someone how to treat me is to treat MYSELF the way I want to be treated. That is so hard for me. And now I'm afraid that even if someone comes along that does treat me well, I won't accept it. I don't know how.
I'm afraid. It's going to take a lot of courage for me to do this, but I have to change.
Giving up on my marriage and the life I always pictured for myself will be the hardest thing I have ever done, but I fear it's inevitable. I love him beyond measure, but I can't continue to do this to myself. This is hard for me because I hate failing at things. I'm terrified of making mistakes and I take it very personally when I do. On top of that, I come from a family where no one is divorced. I have no experience with separation or divorce. My father treated my mother and my brother and I with no regard when he was drinking, but my mom stayed with him. She's still with him after 35 years and he treats her much better now (trying to make up for the past), but I don't think I can wait that long to see if my husband will change. The biggest regret I will have is breaking up the family for my children. I don't want them to grow up in a broken home.
Now, I have to take the necessary steps to be on my own. I'm going to start by going to Al Anon. I wonder why my mother never went or took us when we were teens? I wish I would have had the experience. Maybe I would have made better choices. Oh well. . . moving on. I'm just going to start now. That's all I can do.
I've moved past the anger. Now I'm really sad. I'm sad because I've never gotten the love and attention fro the men in my life that I need. I love my father, but he let me down. The same from my husband. I expected things from them that they weren't capable of delivering and I felt like I must not deserve it if the men who claim to love me aren't giving it to me. I felt like I could show them how to love me if I loved them the way I wanted to be loved. Now I realize that the only way I can show someone how to treat me is to treat MYSELF the way I want to be treated. That is so hard for me. And now I'm afraid that even if someone comes along that does treat me well, I won't accept it. I don't know how.
I'm afraid. It's going to take a lot of courage for me to do this, but I have to change.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Survivor,
I encourage you to read some of my older posts, strting maybe in 2010.
My exRAH finally went to rehab after years.Years of heck. He was awful, and his family and I were so happy.
Long Story Short?
When he came out, he was like an entitled teenager.
Their emotional development stunts as they began drinking. They may have grown up in a few ways, but its the emotional life that really suffers.
For almost two years, I found myself having to clearly delineate to him his role as a family participant, and as someone here on SR pointed out to me, he is a grown man. He KNOWS those perimeters, just like he KNOWS what marriage and monogamy mean.
The manipulation and lying ebbed, but did not stop, the beset negative mindset got worse.
i was so angry, and all he would say is, "I did what you wanted, and now you want more and more."
Well, I had to put him out, and then again, because he was so bad of an influence on our sons sense of security and consistency. I was more and more angry.
Last several months, after thinking so for years, I realized very clearly that he had been medicating with alcohol for years, medicating a pretty serious mental/psychological imbalance.
i had to think: Do I want to spend another 10 years working on this with someone who is resisting, just like the alcoholism?
I didnt, but that doesnt mean I didnt try.
Then, i finally put him out. And you know what? He is going to be fine. By himself with all his issues. I have to work with him on parenting. BUt, I dont have to live on that roller coaster with him, and even more importantly, MY CHILD doenst have to either.
Our son acts sad that he is not with us, but I can tell he is relieved.
Its so much easier, and of course AlAnon was a HUGE part of my life, and still is, but also, my sons Therapist asked me at one point WHy? Why stay?
My answer made no sense to him, and to me neither:
"It just would seem such a shame to leave NOW, AFTER he has done all the sober work. I pled with him to get the help, to get sober, and he did. It just seems like I should stay. "
Therapist reminded me of something I said back when he first got out:
I said
"Well, he is sober, and now we have the opportunity to find out what is truly between us in terms of love and a workable, partnership.Without Alcohol in the mix."
Well. we did have that opportunity, and what I found was that I had a "partner" only when it was convenient for him, and only when he was even CAPABLE of that.
I have a LOT of healing to do on my relationship with my dad who died when I was 13, he was an alcoholic and he ruled our house with fear, and walking on eggshells. I am going to do that work, no matter WHAT role my exH takes in my life, but that simply will not happen when he is in the mix, because he is a self centered teenager. ie: there really is no room i his head for anyone else to need something or work on something. He takes up the quota for all that.
I am sure you know this, but I will say it to bolster you. It is much, much harder to do parenting and general life stuff, to be happy and find balance in every day when there is someone who is supposed to be your partner RIGHT there, but who is unavailable for whatever reason.
The fact that alcohol served as a scapegoat for all those years is no matter.
Now, you can see that it is not working for you. And the anger probably , rather, definitely has a source in your earlier life, and I would suggest getting the therapy and reading the books that help us to heal our Codependent drive.
Good Luck, and keep posting. Thanks
I encourage you to read some of my older posts, strting maybe in 2010.
My exRAH finally went to rehab after years.Years of heck. He was awful, and his family and I were so happy.
Long Story Short?
When he came out, he was like an entitled teenager.
Their emotional development stunts as they began drinking. They may have grown up in a few ways, but its the emotional life that really suffers.
For almost two years, I found myself having to clearly delineate to him his role as a family participant, and as someone here on SR pointed out to me, he is a grown man. He KNOWS those perimeters, just like he KNOWS what marriage and monogamy mean.
The manipulation and lying ebbed, but did not stop, the beset negative mindset got worse.
i was so angry, and all he would say is, "I did what you wanted, and now you want more and more."
Well, I had to put him out, and then again, because he was so bad of an influence on our sons sense of security and consistency. I was more and more angry.
Last several months, after thinking so for years, I realized very clearly that he had been medicating with alcohol for years, medicating a pretty serious mental/psychological imbalance.
i had to think: Do I want to spend another 10 years working on this with someone who is resisting, just like the alcoholism?
I didnt, but that doesnt mean I didnt try.
Then, i finally put him out. And you know what? He is going to be fine. By himself with all his issues. I have to work with him on parenting. BUt, I dont have to live on that roller coaster with him, and even more importantly, MY CHILD doenst have to either.
Our son acts sad that he is not with us, but I can tell he is relieved.
Its so much easier, and of course AlAnon was a HUGE part of my life, and still is, but also, my sons Therapist asked me at one point WHy? Why stay?
My answer made no sense to him, and to me neither:
"It just would seem such a shame to leave NOW, AFTER he has done all the sober work. I pled with him to get the help, to get sober, and he did. It just seems like I should stay. "
Therapist reminded me of something I said back when he first got out:
I said
"Well, he is sober, and now we have the opportunity to find out what is truly between us in terms of love and a workable, partnership.Without Alcohol in the mix."
Well. we did have that opportunity, and what I found was that I had a "partner" only when it was convenient for him, and only when he was even CAPABLE of that.
I have a LOT of healing to do on my relationship with my dad who died when I was 13, he was an alcoholic and he ruled our house with fear, and walking on eggshells. I am going to do that work, no matter WHAT role my exH takes in my life, but that simply will not happen when he is in the mix, because he is a self centered teenager. ie: there really is no room i his head for anyone else to need something or work on something. He takes up the quota for all that.
I am sure you know this, but I will say it to bolster you. It is much, much harder to do parenting and general life stuff, to be happy and find balance in every day when there is someone who is supposed to be your partner RIGHT there, but who is unavailable for whatever reason.
The fact that alcohol served as a scapegoat for all those years is no matter.
Now, you can see that it is not working for you. And the anger probably , rather, definitely has a source in your earlier life, and I would suggest getting the therapy and reading the books that help us to heal our Codependent drive.
Good Luck, and keep posting. Thanks
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
Somewhere during childhood I felt like I wasn't allowed to feel the way I feel or that what I felt didn't matter.
I suggest Al Anon too. Some of the meetings provide child care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7
Here's my guess...Bad actions deserve consequences...or so we think. He was bad and deserved a fate that properly paid for his years of terrible behavior.
Now it looks like he is getting off for free, he keeps his mate and his life and he didn't have to stop for YEARS, he only had to stop right before you were going to make him pay...which has seemed to be just around the corner for a long time.
Going through this right now...maybe I'm wrong about your situation, but it describes my feelings about the sudden recovery of someone in my life...
Now it looks like he is getting off for free, he keeps his mate and his life and he didn't have to stop for YEARS, he only had to stop right before you were going to make him pay...which has seemed to be just around the corner for a long time.
Going through this right now...maybe I'm wrong about your situation, but it describes my feelings about the sudden recovery of someone in my life...
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Seven Springs, NC
Posts: 13
Now You're Angry
Bless you, I know wxactly where you're at. My AH tried to get sober last year. Detox and then AA meetings twice a day. I started Alanon, went to open meetings with him... and I got angry! I stood up in an Alanon meeting and yelled that I was sick and tired of hearing about how sick "I" was and that everything was suppose to be just hunky-dory now that my AH wanted to stop drinking. I was suppose to fogive and forget the hell he put me through for 10 years. Forget everything and focus on HIM. Life had been all about him when he was drunk and was STILL about him, pitiful little drunk, and never about ME. He never got to the 8th step cause he had a terrible sponsor. His personality didn't change, it got worse. He didn't magically become responsible, nice or thoughtful. He was still critical and fault-finding. He was still depressed and negative. Nothing changed except he was spending money on gas instead of beer. He acted as though I was suppose to be gloriously happy just because he was sober for 90 days (which I found out later that he wasn't) I do not agree with the AA philosophy and Alanon may help you but I hated it. I am a Christian and I never liked the fact that AA says relapse is okay. Can't tell you how many times I saw the sheep people there pick up another white chip and get hugs from everyone. "Congratulations for failing!" Now you wives just sit quiety and realize it's partly your fault. I actually DID realize one thing... that my paycheck was financing his drinking... so I told him I would not accept his responsibilities any longer. One week later... he left me. After 3 months he is still drunk. My heart hurts very bad but I do not want to live with him anymore. 10 years was enough. YOU went through the same thing with your father, so your anger is retroactive. No wonder you are angry. Take some advice... try Alanon if you want to but do some research on the negative aspects of it as well, before you accept it as a fix-all. It's not. All it did was **** me off even more. Research "recovery" and you will see that it is much more complicated and long lasting than simply stopping drinking. YOU need emotional help, as I did. Get that help!!!! If your AH is actually sober, get help for yourself now, and it may save your marriage, your health, and your sanity. I am at your service should you need to talk.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I understand completely.
I am here basically for one reason. I have divorced my AH, so why am I still here?
Because I'm %&*()^$@#%^%^&& frickin' angry, that's why!!!!!!
I'm angry that I put up with insanity. I'm angry that I stood by and didn't pull myself out of the mess. I'm angry that an intelligent man who was married to an intelligent woman still tried to pull the wool over both our eyes. I'm angry that an intelligent man made stupid choices repeatedly....and I could go on and on.
So he has seen the light of day, has he? Maybe you are angry because you have repressesd your anger all this time while dealing with a drunk. Now you imagine he is a sober normal-thinking person, so now is the time to express that repressed anger, yes?
Finally he sees what any person with a brain should be able to see, that he was out of control and you had to pay for it.
No doubt you are most angry at yourself...for going a round-two of the same-old same-old.
How about one on one counseling? Maybe it is time to make it all about you...and one on one counseling is just that.
I am here basically for one reason. I have divorced my AH, so why am I still here?
Because I'm %&*()^$@#%^%^&& frickin' angry, that's why!!!!!!
I'm angry that I put up with insanity. I'm angry that I stood by and didn't pull myself out of the mess. I'm angry that an intelligent man who was married to an intelligent woman still tried to pull the wool over both our eyes. I'm angry that an intelligent man made stupid choices repeatedly....and I could go on and on.
So he has seen the light of day, has he? Maybe you are angry because you have repressesd your anger all this time while dealing with a drunk. Now you imagine he is a sober normal-thinking person, so now is the time to express that repressed anger, yes?
Finally he sees what any person with a brain should be able to see, that he was out of control and you had to pay for it.
No doubt you are most angry at yourself...for going a round-two of the same-old same-old.
How about one on one counseling? Maybe it is time to make it all about you...and one on one counseling is just that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Originally Posted by 1tiredchick
Bless you, I know wxactly where you're at. My AH tried to get sober last year. Detox and then AA meetings twice a day. I started Alanon, went to open meetings with him... and I got angry! I stood up in an Alanon meeting and yelled that I was sick and tired of hearing about how sick "I" was and that everything was suppose to be just hunky-dory now that my AH wanted to stop drinking. I was suppose to fogive and forget the hell he put me through for 10 years. Forget everything and focus on HIM. Life had been all about him when he was drunk and was STILL about him, pitiful little drunk, and never about ME. He never got to the 8th step cause he had a terrible sponsor. His personality didn't change, it got worse. He didn't magically become responsible, nice or thoughtful. He was still critical and fault-finding. He was still depressed and negative. Nothing changed except he was spending money on gas instead of beer. He acted as though I was suppose to be gloriously happy just because he was sober for 90 days (which I found out later that he wasn't) I do not agree with the AA philosophy and Alanon may help you but I hated it. I am a Christian and I never liked the fact that AA says relapse is okay. Can't tell you how many times I saw the sheep people there pick up another white chip and get hugs from everyone. "Congratulations for failing!" Now you wives just sit quiety and realize it's partly your fault. I actually DID realize one thing... that my paycheck was financing his drinking... so I told him I would not accept his responsibilities any longer. One week later... he left me. After 3 months he is still drunk. My heart hurts very bad but I do not want to live with him anymore. 10 years was enough. YOU went through the same thing with your father, so your anger is retroactive. No wonder you are angry. Take some advice... try Alanon if you want to but do some research on the negative aspects of it as well, before you accept it as a fix-all. It's not. All it did was **** me off even more. Research "recovery" and you will see that it is much more complicated and long lasting than simply stopping drinking. YOU need emotional help, as I did. Get that help!!!! If your AH is actually sober, get help for yourself now, and it may save your marriage, your health, and your sanity. I am at your service should you need to talk.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by Survivor1980
What I do feel is that it's always about him and his needs. When he was drinking it was about him and his drinking. Now he's sober and it's about him and his sobriety. It's always about him. It's never about me.
The few times he has taken care of me, I push him away. I don't believe him. It's like, "What's the catch?" I always feel like the other shoe is about to drop and I don't enjoy the attention.
The few times he has taken care of me, I push him away. I don't believe him. It's like, "What's the catch?" I always feel like the other shoe is about to drop and I don't enjoy the attention.
I think your words summarize one key reason behind that feeling. For me, it's this outrage that he has neglected me and my emotional needs, was self absorbed. Only now he has gone away from me to focus on his own needs. This is objectively good thing. But to me it feels like I am once more left with my needs unmet. His sobriety feels like a loss to me, like one more way in which he has let me down. (That sounds sick just to write it, because it is what I wanted).
And I too feel uncomfortable when he tries to direct attention at my feelings, which he does do. I am wary, as if the rug will be pulled out from under me at any time, and the support will be revealed as manipulation. So I have a hard time talking about my feelings with him, and we both feel bad about it. But the suspicion about doing so is always there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
You do understand, I hope, that when one person stops drinking the relationship will be greatly altered. I suggest keeping a lid on your feelings for a few months and see where things go from here.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I imagine the relationship will be greatly altered, as nycdoglvr said. I don't know though if you can simply put a lid on your feelings--you too are immediately altered. Finding people to talk it through, whether here, good friends, counseling, alanon, or any combination of the above. You're going through things also. Find good places to vent what you need to. Maybe not venting directly to the RA though...biting your tongue a little around him might be necessary....
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