How should I have responded?

Old 07-02-2012, 04:51 PM
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How should I have responded?

First of all let me start off by saying my ah has a hard time facing the consequences of his actions. I always get these remarks "How nobody cares about him." or "How if it was his brother, they would do it for him.", etc. Our conversation started out civil but ended up with him getting really mad. He got a dui about a year and half ago and is still paying on his fines. Went something like this,

him- "I don't have the money to pay on my fines this week. It will have to wait until next."

me- "Well why not? You worked all week right?"

him- "Yes"

me- " I don't understand why you don't have the money then."

him- " I blew it that is why I don't have it, but what do you care anyways."

me- "yes you are right I don't care if you pay your fine or not. I did not get the dui, so why should I?"

My comment made him really mad which was not my intention. I don't think I expressed myself the best way as I was trying to say that although I do care about him, I am not responsible for his mess and I am not going to clean it up- that is his responsibility. What is the best way to answer as I honestly feel like most times he is just trying to bait me for a response or he was hoping I might offer to pay them (which I will not do). I got the "you don't care comment" again the next day and ignored it (no response).
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Old 07-02-2012, 04:55 PM
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Sounds like you fell in a "poor me" trap. Next time when he brings something like this up, don't engage in the conversation, just say, "OK," or "I'm sorry," or "I don't know."
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Old 07-02-2012, 05:16 PM
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I would have been tempted -- and probably would have -- said what you did.

That said, a better response is probably no response: "Oh really." Or "I hope you get it worked out OK." It allows him to keep his dignity and it keeps the problem/responsibility in his court.
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Old 07-02-2012, 06:11 PM
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It is best to never engage in the conversation at all. Just take care of yourself. JMHO.
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Old 07-02-2012, 06:17 PM
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Actually, facing the consequences...

... should be the easy part. If the people around you don't enable and cover for you, you have to face and experience consequences whether you have a hard time or not.

Nobody likes negative consequences, but facing them isn't even a choice unless people are enabling you, covering for you, and cleaning up after you.

My two cents.


Originally Posted by mum22cuties View Post
First of all let me start off by saying my ah has a hard time facing the consequences of his actions.
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Old 07-02-2012, 06:38 PM
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So done with all these games. I think better to totally disengage and go the NC route.
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Old 07-02-2012, 10:23 PM
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Ditto ..... as everyone says, it's better not to engage at all. Make an excuse and walk away. It is his problem, he must find a solution and deal with the consequences. Alcoholics love it when codependents take care of them, sympathize with their problems. But we are all responsible for ourselves and one of the first things we learn in AA is: "I am responsible" for everything that happens in my life. It is only me that can deal with the "wreckage from the past".
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