Husband cheated while on binges..and not
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Husband cheated while on binges..and not
My first posting. But, this is all new information. I found out recently that my husband is a binge drinker but he only binge drinks when on work trips or with friends on trips where I am not present. 6 times in the last 18 months my husband got black out drunk and ended up making out with the same co worker and sharing a bed with her. The farthest it went was her top coming off. My main concern is he recently joined AA and is attending intensive counseling so he is blaming this mostly on his alcohol use ("I wouldnt have done this sober"). The problem is...the episodes were separated by months and between episodes they have phone calls and texts (all friendly in nature but not sexual) quite frequently. This was "sober cheating". Likewise, 2 of the weekends were work trips but one was a guys trip where he went out of his way to invite her to hang out with he and his friends (all male trip so makes no sense). The worst part is that the first incident happened right before I got pregnant with our 2nd child...the rest were all while I was pregnant. He is apologetic and forecoming now with details but still mostly blames the alcohol. I want to support his recovery and not shut down him being open with me emotionally...but inside I am so angry and bitter. If it was truly all alcohol wouldnt he (when sober for 2 or 3 months at a time) feel guilty enough to either tell me or at minimum not carry on a secret friendship. I didnt even realize they were friends let alone close friends. What would you wives do? Is it worth trying to see this through? I love him but I know love isnt enough if someone is using their addiction as a way to wash away all the sins...even the sober ones. Am I better moving on? Or, for someone with an addiction problem...can you relate to this story? Appreciate any help
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
If he blacked out, how can he remember that he didn't have sex? Are you relying on his account? Because unless all of these encounters were videotaped, you have no idea what happened.
Aside from whatever physical cheating happened, you have been emotionally cheated on. And if a man ever did this to me while I was pregnant with his child, that would be the end of that. Divorce, child support, alimony, and I will never talk to you again except about the children!
There are many alcoholics who have never cheated on their partners. Alcohol does not make people cheat. Being a cheater makes people cheat. If he's really working the program at AA, he would not be blaming alcohol for his cheating.
I wish I had more advice, but cheating is a deal breaker for me. He can work the steps with a sponsor, you can go to AlAnon, and maybe after he's been sober six months you can see a marriage counselor together.
Aside from whatever physical cheating happened, you have been emotionally cheated on. And if a man ever did this to me while I was pregnant with his child, that would be the end of that. Divorce, child support, alimony, and I will never talk to you again except about the children!
There are many alcoholics who have never cheated on their partners. Alcohol does not make people cheat. Being a cheater makes people cheat. If he's really working the program at AA, he would not be blaming alcohol for his cheating.
I wish I had more advice, but cheating is a deal breaker for me. He can work the steps with a sponsor, you can go to AlAnon, and maybe after he's been sober six months you can see a marriage counselor together.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Classic case of giving the drinking/binging, WAY to much credit!!!!
I only did it because I was all drunk/blacked out.
Perhaps five years ago I would have bought into this, hook, line and sinker........
Educating myself about binging/ alcoholism, All I have is a big..........HELL NO.
I am empathic of your hurt and pain.
Please know we are here for you.
Keep posting we are listening.
I only did it because I was all drunk/blacked out.
Perhaps five years ago I would have bought into this, hook, line and sinker........
Educating myself about binging/ alcoholism, All I have is a big..........HELL NO.
I am empathic of your hurt and pain.
Please know we are here for you.
Keep posting we are listening.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Addicts lie and then they lie some more. He is not going to admit that he had sex with another women. I'd get checked for STDs.
As for his cheating, IMO it is a different bird, cheaters cheat, alcoholics drink. Alcohol may lower his inhibitions...but, alcohol doesn't make him cheat. It's all BS, we're back to the lieing.
I am sorry that you are hurting, take care of you. Take some time to read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers, same disease, just a different drug of choice.
As for his cheating, IMO it is a different bird, cheaters cheat, alcoholics drink. Alcohol may lower his inhibitions...but, alcohol doesn't make him cheat. It's all BS, we're back to the lieing.
I am sorry that you are hurting, take care of you. Take some time to read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers, same disease, just a different drug of choice.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
You have two problems: an alcoholic who is also unfaithful. I think the core of the problem is this what you want for yourself in life. If you stay you will see things get worse: alcoholism is a progressive disease. Many alcoholics start out as binge drinkers and become daily drinkers. It's the nature of the disease of alcoholism. Consider also that he has a choice of drinking or not drinking, being faithful or not (do you really think they got into bed and he only took her top off?)
I suggest reading the forum where you'll learn a great deal about alcoholics and the people who decide to stay with them.
I suggest reading the forum where you'll learn a great deal about alcoholics and the people who decide to stay with them.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I finally started to get help around my loved one's binge drinking when I learned of his affair.
They BOTH made me feel nuts, out of control, and crazy.
I still have not decided how I feel about the connect between alcohol and affairs, but I do know this as the person on the other end it felt very similar to me.
What helped.
Lots of reading about addictions and affairs (PM if you want titles), Al-Anon meetings which are designed to address the alcohol use actually helped a lot with both (especially detachment). Therapy, being gentle on myself and learning the stages of grief all helped. Guess what feeling emotions are part of the stages. What a relief.
I agree that you probably don't have the full picture of either the affair or the alcohol use (that is part of both of them). It took me some time to realize that thought.
Neither is fun, and combined it can feel like a 1-2 sucker punch.
Take care of you.
They BOTH made me feel nuts, out of control, and crazy.
I still have not decided how I feel about the connect between alcohol and affairs, but I do know this as the person on the other end it felt very similar to me.
What helped.
Lots of reading about addictions and affairs (PM if you want titles), Al-Anon meetings which are designed to address the alcohol use actually helped a lot with both (especially detachment). Therapy, being gentle on myself and learning the stages of grief all helped. Guess what feeling emotions are part of the stages. What a relief.
I agree that you probably don't have the full picture of either the affair or the alcohol use (that is part of both of them). It took me some time to realize that thought.
Neither is fun, and combined it can feel like a 1-2 sucker punch.
Take care of you.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 129
This is awful and I am sorry you are going through this kind of pain, while you are pregnant especially.
I have an incredibly hard time believing that he stopped at taking off her shirt.
But does all that matter how far he went with her, sharing the same bed, texting after. There is so much you don't know and he will never tell you everything.
This is where you have to decide what you want for you.
I have an incredibly hard time believing that he stopped at taking off her shirt.
But does all that matter how far he went with her, sharing the same bed, texting after. There is so much you don't know and he will never tell you everything.
This is where you have to decide what you want for you.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I have some experience with this, LOL.. I am LOLing at the word "some".
Um, I would lay money on the fact that he is telling you half truths at best.
My RAH would play down all the stuff that happened. I would later find out he had far more than just drunk sex with these women.
The thing that sticks out most in my memory is that, for him, while drinking, many of these women served as a 'safe' place/person with whom he could indulge his addiction and not be reprimanded.
The sex was a side deal. And he did get involved. The women were always MORE involved. And I cannot tell you how many times he acted like it was just a thing/fling, but the women would call and confront in these desperate scenes. Obviously it was more than just sex. Did he fall in love? Maybe once. But that was alcoholic love. He did not have the capacity for real love at that time.
I guess, mine started all this when I was also pregnant, and it did not stop him then. I should have left, but did not, and he continued the behavior.
Mine would always act like he was somehow victimized by these women who would push themselves on him. He 'had no choice', he was loaded. He doesnt even remember, blah blah blah.
To this day one of these girls still stalks him around.
I cannot tell you what to do, but I can say that I wish I had moved on.
WOuld have saved me and our son from being exposed a whole heck of a lot of unneccesary aggression and dysfunction.
Also, please know that getting him sober will not be the end of the ride.
With alcoholics, even binge drinkers, the drug and the addiction is at play even when they are sober.
Mine is sober neraly 2 years, and he is still a mess. He does not lie AS MUCH. He does not sleep around. BUt, he is unstable, and entitled , and so, so selfish.
I do wish I had left. It is a regret that I cannot really express fully.
.
Um, I would lay money on the fact that he is telling you half truths at best.
My RAH would play down all the stuff that happened. I would later find out he had far more than just drunk sex with these women.
The thing that sticks out most in my memory is that, for him, while drinking, many of these women served as a 'safe' place/person with whom he could indulge his addiction and not be reprimanded.
The sex was a side deal. And he did get involved. The women were always MORE involved. And I cannot tell you how many times he acted like it was just a thing/fling, but the women would call and confront in these desperate scenes. Obviously it was more than just sex. Did he fall in love? Maybe once. But that was alcoholic love. He did not have the capacity for real love at that time.
I guess, mine started all this when I was also pregnant, and it did not stop him then. I should have left, but did not, and he continued the behavior.
Mine would always act like he was somehow victimized by these women who would push themselves on him. He 'had no choice', he was loaded. He doesnt even remember, blah blah blah.
To this day one of these girls still stalks him around.
I cannot tell you what to do, but I can say that I wish I had moved on.
WOuld have saved me and our son from being exposed a whole heck of a lot of unneccesary aggression and dysfunction.
Also, please know that getting him sober will not be the end of the ride.
With alcoholics, even binge drinkers, the drug and the addiction is at play even when they are sober.
Mine is sober neraly 2 years, and he is still a mess. He does not lie AS MUCH. He does not sleep around. BUt, he is unstable, and entitled , and so, so selfish.
I do wish I had left. It is a regret that I cannot really express fully.
.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Everytime I see this thread I just get so sick to my stomach I want to throw up. My stomach remembers this from past relationships with alcoholics and with addicts and with alcoholic addicts and with addicted alcoholics, and it is so VERY painful. This is so totally a DEAL BREAKER. It does not matter whether or not he was drunk or sober when he had sex with someone other than you. It does not matter whether a couple is on a break or not. None of the details matter because ALL of the details that come up about this are just EXCUSES for unacceptable, bad, horrid, hurtful behavior. A commitment is a commitment. Period. If you marry, you make a commitment and that is the worse betrayal ever. Yes means Yes and No means No and this man has got it ALL MIXED UP and always will. His yes sometimes means no and his no sometimes means yes. Disgusting.
Let go and Let God!
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
You should have been in the vehicle with my boyfriend and I last night. We are both in recovery. He attends AA and I attend AA and NA.
Our topic was responsibility for our actions. He spent 4 years in prison for robbing a store. He said people that knew him couldn't believe he did it. He stated I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't wasted, but I still knew it was wrong. He said I am still responsible for what I did. He said I can never say the alcohol did it, I still made the choice to do it.
I told him that I agree 100%. I cheated on my ex boyfriend all time while high. I chose to do it. The drug didn't make me do it.
Granted we realize this after we got into recovery. At the time when we were using we would blame it on the alcohol or drug so we didn't have to look at ourselves.
It takes awhile for alcoholics and addicts to change. It is a long ride. We lied for so long and blamed everything else for our problems. A recovering alcoholic has to put their program first and constantly work at it. He has a long road of ahead of him.
Thoughts and prayers are with you!
Our topic was responsibility for our actions. He spent 4 years in prison for robbing a store. He said people that knew him couldn't believe he did it. He stated I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't wasted, but I still knew it was wrong. He said I am still responsible for what I did. He said I can never say the alcohol did it, I still made the choice to do it.
I told him that I agree 100%. I cheated on my ex boyfriend all time while high. I chose to do it. The drug didn't make me do it.
Granted we realize this after we got into recovery. At the time when we were using we would blame it on the alcohol or drug so we didn't have to look at ourselves.
It takes awhile for alcoholics and addicts to change. It is a long ride. We lied for so long and blamed everything else for our problems. A recovering alcoholic has to put their program first and constantly work at it. He has a long road of ahead of him.
Thoughts and prayers are with you!
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