transformyself

Good Morning.

Last night, AH was very drunk and abusive. I took our 11 year old out with me, the teenager stayed and said he was going to stay in his room.

Just now, AH woke me up and needed a ride to work. He told me on the way he "bitched (our son) out and tried to kill" himself last night. Tried to hang himself in the garage but couldn't "do it."

The drive to his work is short. I told him I'm taking the kids and leaving and he's not going to be allowed to hurt them in this way anymore. Not me or them.

He tried telling me I shouldn't leave with them, or have to flee and I said, "here's the thing. I"m not afraid of you, you have no say and I'm going to protect our kids." The End.

Thing is, I don't want to leave. HE should be the one to leave.

The kids are sleeping. I don't know what to do.

I don't think a PPO will work, because I didn't call the police and there's no paper trail. I would have to tell them he threatened to kill me, which isn't true, but he was very threatening to me and I'm afraid of him. We all are.

While this is horrible, the best news is that I don't give a **** about him, his choices, or what he does with himself. I don't want to give him options like, "go to detox right now or I'll do (insert threat here)" I don't want to help him with getting sober, I didn't even suggest it.

I just want him to go away and I want to get help for my kids and I.

Suggestions? I'm in Michigan, if you're a lawyer type.

Change4good

Hugs to you. Kids are priority number one. Keep them safe.

feelingalone43

I'm in Michigan, too. I think we have "no fault" divorce here, meaning it doesn't matter why you want a divorce, just that you do. We also have no alimony or spousal support, only child support.

You can ask him to leave, and if he won't, you will need to get a lawyer and have him served with papers. Depending on the quality of your lawyer, and the wording of the papers, he will either have to leave immediately, or anywhere between that and 30 days. This is if you retain full physical custody of the kids, and can afford your payments until such time as child support is put into effect.

There is such thing as legal aid, if you can't afford an attorney, but they are slow to get moving (my daughter recently needed their services). So if you want to get things started now, you may want to skip them.

If your teen is on board with wanting his Dad out, he might be able to tell what happened, and your AH will have to get out now.

Best of luck to you and your children. Keep us posted, and know that we are rooting for you to have a better life.

Thumper

I'm not in Michigan but when my xah refused to leave I went to a lawyer. Turns out where I live when you file for divorce you can ask for temporary use of the house and temporary custody of the kids (and child support). The final ruling will be hashed out in the divorce but the temporary orders come quick and if you file and give reason, I was told the temp. orders almost always come through. Then he has to leave and if he refuses the police escort him out.

Thoughts go out to you. I agree that he needs to go. You will all feel so much better without the chaos and fear.

Learn2Live

I think you are Reacting. Whenever I have made decisions out of Reaction to something such as what you are talking about, it has never been effective in my life. For me, it has been better to work on me and my life, and make plans based around the new thinking I engage in.

wicked

Home

Transform,
This is the Michigan Coalition Against Domestic Sexual Violence.
It looks like they could get you started.
From the little amount I have read, it looks like if you want to stay and him leave,
you have to press charges. But you run the risk of being charged yourself for having the
boys with you. It is messed up.
They could tell you more at the MCADSV.

Feelingalone has got the same info I did.
If your teenager is willing to tell what happened, then he could do that, and have him out in 24 to 48 hours.
I hope the Michigan Coalition can help.

Beth

Hopeworks

From what you are saying the truth should be more than enough for the court. Many times we don't want to have the "truth" in the public record but it is the truth that sets us free... those who are suffering as well as the alcoholic himself.

Call your local clerk of court domestic division and ask if they have a procedure for an emergency order of protection and seperation... most counties do not require an attorney and it is a narrative and questions and answers. It is taken to a judge to review and often is signed and enforcable within hours. It will set a courtdate for further review and your husband to present his side within a week to 3 weeks in most counties.

You have nothing to lose in checking out this option...if it is denied you can move to step two... an attorney. Attorneys will often consult with you for free ... see more than one.... I suggest at least 3. After these visits you will at least have more information to base your own personal plan of what will work best for you.

Summerpeach

I've not followed your entire story and don't know all the details, but you say you have a business partner, so you have work, so why don't you just get your own place and leave?
Why all the troubles of kicking him out. Just grab your stuff and go?

transformyself

HI Sparkling Eyes! I see you're reading my posts again. Listen, will you please give me a phone call? I'll inbox you my number, it will only take a minute and I really need to ensure you're not my husband.

Thanks

tjp613

Transform -- My thinking is along the same lines as Wicked. At this juncture, and with the financial issues you are having, perhaps the best option is to call your local womens shelter/counseling center. They may even offer free legal advice.... many have lawyers willing to help on pro bono basis. And...if needed...you may be able to get shelter and/or financial assistance. Start there. You've been through enough already.

transformyself

Thanks everyone

I"m totally weirded out to see "sparkling eyes" was reading my post and has made NO other posts since LTD got wind of him on the last one.

MODS: I inboxed that person my number, if he/she doesn't call what are my options?

Oh that's right!! My options are to get a ******* lawyer and throw you from the house and keep me and the kids safe!

Here's how I"m going to do it and actually now that I think of it, I don't give a rats ass if you're reading my posts. It's no SECRET. I told you this morning what I"m going to do and if you doubt it, just stay tuned.

I'm going to call one of the many attorney's I work with, maybe several, and ask they help me file for divorce right away. The one I've been working with on a state wide campaign told me he would help.

I still have all the paperwork from when I foolishly let you come home four years ago after I filed. The wonderful Quaker Grandmother attorney I had at the time made me promise I would keep the paperwork. "He's an alcoholic Transform," she told me. "you're going to divorce him eventually."

Smart woman.


Summer My business makes NO money. Zero. The business partner set it up that way. That's one of the many reasons I'm leaving.

wicked

Of course he will help Transform. Nice people like to help nice people. Please let your friend do this for you Transform. Knowledge is everything. And knowledge with a person on a state wide campaign is golden.
Yes!!!!!!
Just do it Transform. I am doing the Transform dance. (to the music of neutron dance)
LOL
:ghug3

Summerpeach

Sorry to hear, hard when a business doesn't work. Never give up!
You're a smart cookie, pull those boot straps up, get out there, put on your best smile, get a job, work hard and get away from this madness.
Happiness is all in our control....took me too long to realize that.

Sending you healing hugs

catlovermi

Sending support, Transformyself.

There's an out there, somewhere - might have to take a leap of faith, or call a women's help line to bridge you and kids until a better door opens.

CLMI

transformyself

Just got great news! I"m taking the kids out to go fishing and camping with my sister overnight. I can work out there and start getting ducks in a row.

Thank you and love to everyone.

LTL--I did see your post; maybe you've not been following my situation but this isn't a reaction thats bad. It's one I should have engaged long ago, although I wasn't ready.

wicked

SparklingEyes,

I am recovering myself, from alcohol. I understand how you feel more than you might think. Do you really want it to come down to one of your own sons testifying against you?
surely, you do not want to put that on your own flesh and blood.
When a drunk parent is making the other parent miserable by lying, and accusing, and gaslighting, the children know. And your boys are not toddlers. They know.
If you no longer care for Transform and you want to end the madness, then stop. Stop right now. Think about what your sons are thinking of you and what you sound like.

My ex and I had the same stupid arguments, and since then I found out my children did not know who to trust. How would you feel as that child? No parent to trust. I grew up like that, and now I trust no one. My children and I have worked hard to repair our relationship and we brought that ship around. but you have to stop the chaos right now.

Maybe you are still mad at Transform, but you know she will protect those kids from danger like a lioness. She is a good mom, and always does her best to be a good parent. If there is one thing you could agree on, you both want what is best for the boys. Please consider that what you are doing now is not working, and it is bad for your sons.

As the child of an alcoholic and the parent of an alcoholic and heroin abuser, I relate to you and I am asking you to do what is best for the boys. Because, if you stay on this track, you will lose. You will lose any respect they might have had for you, and they will avoid you like the plague. It is too late to convince them that Mom is a bad person, they already know that is not true, and that makes you look like a sore loser.
Until you stop this chaos this track has an alcoholic driving the train, and it will run you over.

Get humble, stop the train of chaos, and apologize to your kids for being so hateful to Mom. It could help, and it certainly wouldnt hurt.

From one alcoholic to another.

Beth G.

Learn2Live

T, I'm not saying that the decision you have made in Reaction to the A is a bad decision. What I'm saying is that you have been on this rollercoaster for many years and you are still Reacting.

This rollercoaster you have been on has not been fun.

Whenever I have been on rollercoasters like this, when I make my decisions in Reaction to the A, I get sucked back into the sick dynamic, because the Reaction is PART of the rollercoaster ride.

First, I must stop myself from Reacting. Then I step off the rollercoaster. Then I Think, Plan, Do. The A and his behavior are NEVER part of that final equation. I must make my decisions independent of the A and his actions.

transformyself

Thanks, I understand what you're saying, but this isn't part of that dance.

This is me, finally ending my marriage

sparklingeyes

Wicked & transform,
I am not the husband. I am an ACOA. After reading your post, I was hit in the face with the truth. My Dad was the drinker. Trust is something I struggle with, but not because of my father's actions. It was my Mom I did not trust. I could never talk to her without her reacting and making a bigger mess. I just wanted her to listen to me and to allow me to make my own decisions, but she always made them for me. My father could become violent, but I trusted him more than my Mom. She was so busy trying to make me into her own image that I lost myself. It is ironic that you mention the alcoholic driving the train because that's what my Dad did for a living.

I hope you can find a way to heal and to stop reacting. I swear to the Almighty Father in heavens I am not your husband.

MsPINKAcres

((transform))

sending you prayers of strength, comfort, wisdom, guidance, love and light as you walk this path ~

No matter where or what - remember that you have a HP that loves you and your have a SR family that loves you - even when it all feels overwhelming!

take good care of YOU!!!

PINK HUGS,
Rita