Amber23

I don't want to displace anger.....or blame the In-Laws for anything...I realize there is no one great way to handle this disease.

I guess I am just upset because it has been a trying time and they fluctuate between detachment & denial, and wanting to control information and needing every detail about everything and "everything on the table"..(both are children of alcoholics) ..and it never works or helps just creates more distrust/frustration with AH when they tell him things I told them.

And I guess I fluctuate the same, so I don't blame them......

I guess it is because I am handling this alone (which is my own doing in many ways) but the exhaustion of having to monitor AH from withdrawals to drinking again has been rough. They went out of town few days after his seizure from withdrawals. Never asked how things were before they left.....and I guess I can understand why they don't want to know....but still bugs me because I know I will get an earful when they return...

MIL is a control freak (as am I) and in denial to the aspect that AH will not seek treatment. She keeps throwing all the rational solutions at me and all the bad things that could happen....it isn't helping. I tell her I know these things and have the grounded down molars in my mouth from imagining the What -If scenarios.

I tell her it wouldn't be a problem if it were that easy.....

She has made little hints that I am not handling things as she would like....like staying with him when he is drinking and upset. I rather take DD out for dinner or such. She was annoyed I had told my sister and best friend after 13 years of hiding it! Codependent things like that which I TOTALLY understand!

I think I am just tired and defensive....when he had his seizure 2 weeks ago and was in withdrawals she was furious I asked her to wait 3 days to confront him with the knowledge they knew. I didn't know if he would hallucinate etc and I needed him to be open and honest if things got too rough. He has major trust issues.

I told her when he starts drinking we will do a mini intervention, but I have no hope it will help.

I guess I am just rambling because I don't want to feel frustrated with them and I know they love him, but they are my only family here. My parents have no knowledge of this as they live out of state. I guess I need support and I feel like I will need to defend myself shortly......and answer lots of questions and deal with AH anger because they know....WHICH IS FINE. I am not trying to keep them at distance with him, I am just preparing for what I am in for.

I sound a mess in this posting.....does anyone know what I am trying to say...lol

Katiekate

Hey, sounds like a lot, stop protecting them from each other, it's their relationship.

Sounds like you need a break, how can you do that for yourself???

marie1960

Neither you or your MIL can control this situation, or change the outcome for AH.

Your AH is an adult man, not a child, there is nothing mommy can say or do for him. MIL is only adding fuel to the fire, if it were me, I would choose to stop engaging/confiding with her.

There comes a point where all you can do is , Let go or be dragged.

Reach out to your friends and family. Even though your family is in another state, just pick up the phone, hearing a loved ones voice can be comforting.
i am sorry for all the turmoil you living.
Take care.

Learn2Live

Have you tried Al-Anon? You really need to have support in your life.

fourmaggie

^^^ agreed...please try a 12 step program for YOU...and your MIL may go with you...that is the start....

you will get so much feed back from AL ANON...trust me, you will....

you do have choices for YOU...he is an grown adult and needs to be accountable for himself and his actions...

the 3C'syou did not create this
you can not control this
and there is NO cure

Tuffgirl

I am amazed at this neat little trick I read about a while back. It's called the "Is this MY problem" review.

Let's go back through your post and apply this review:

I realize there is no one great way to handle this disease. is this your disease to handle? Or his?

I guess I am just upset because it has been a trying time and they fluctuate between detachment & denial, and wanting to control information and needing every detail about everything and "everything on the table"..(both are children of alcoholics) ..and it never works or helps just creates more distrust/frustration with AH when they tell him things I told them. is this your problem? Their detachment and denial? Do you have any affect over what they feel and think?

having to monitor AH from withdrawals to drinking again has been rough. is this your problem? Are you his health care provider and trained to monitor detox? This may be better handled by the professionals...

MIL is a control freak (as am I) and in denial to the aspect that AH will not seek treatment. She keeps throwing all the rational solutions at me and all the bad things that could happen....it isn't helping. I tell her I know these things and have the grounded down molars in my mouth from imagining the What -If scenarios. is this your problem? You can't tell the future. You have no idea what will happen an hour from now, much less a day, month, or year from now. And your MIL's thought process...is this your problem? No. It's her own stinkin thinkin.

I guess I need support and I feel like I will need to defend myself shortly......and answer lots of questions and deal with AH anger because they know....WHICH IS FINE. Whose problem are you feeling the need to defend yourself from? Is it yours? Or theirs?

I hope you can see where I am headed with this - it falls into the category Anvil talked of above - you really are powerless over him and his disease, and how he parents choose to react. And by trying to "manage" it all, your life is unmanageable.

This trick of reviewing the situation objectively and recognizing where I had some control (me) and where I didn't (everyone and everything else) took a while to learn and apply. But give it a try, and keep coming back.

Take good care of yourself. Pregnancy is taxing enough!

Cyranoak

...why haven't I seen this before? This is excellent, and what a perfect way to present it. If you were a therapist Amber would owe you $300, but at SR it's free! Lucky Amber!

Thanks TG,

Cyranoak

Amber23

Thanks Tuffgirl! Thanks for the time and thought you put into that. All true...I should print out and carry with me.

MIL wants to talk and I can't escape the rolling in my stomach when I think about calling her back. Reading your post helped. I feel calmer and centered.

Still have no idea how to fill her in on the last 2 weeks....and not sure why I am worried about it.

Much appreciated.

Adventure

Hi Amber

Why do you feel obliged to fill your MIL in about anything? Is it possible for you to say to her that you would rather she talks to your AH directly about that stuff, and that you don't want to be involved in her involvement with him about this? I think you could probably come up with a better way of saying that to her mind you - very tired this morning lol!

I have had a lot of contact from my MIL over the last few weeks. We had a chance meeting 4 or 5 weeks ago, and ever since she has been contacting me asking what can she do for AH, and she wants to get him better, wants to help him etc. etc. I was kind of mad over this initially, as I have looked for her help in the past and got nothing in return. However I have now come to realise that she has reached the point that I was at a few years ago. She will try anything to "help" her son get better. I am also fairly sure she is panicking that I am going to leave AH. I haven't told her I am going to leave, but I have been honest and told her there is nothing more I can do for him until he wants to get better himself. I have had to accept that he is her son and she will do anything she can to try to cure him. I considered sharing my learnings from Al Anon and SR and general reading, but I realised that she needs to come to that point herself. She is not a very nice person, and also has her own addiction issues, so any advice or information I give her will fall on deaf ears, and could well be twisted and used against me in the future. Her journey with my AH needs to be her journey, and I want zero involvement.

Not sure if any of this helps, but please try to understand what we are all telling you about in-laws. Your focus needs to be on you. They are old enough to be responsible for themselves and their own actions.

Adventure

sosad2008

I am afraid I have a different opinion than Tuffgirl. My comments are in all caps so it is easy to differentiate my comments. Please note that I am not screaming -- even though my comments are in large caps. I apologize if it appears that way.

I realize there is no one great way to handle this disease. is this your disease to handle? Or his? TRUE IT'S HIS DISEASE. BUT WHAT HE DOES AFFECTS YOU EMOTIONALLY AND FINANCIALLY.

I guess I am just upset because it has been a trying time and they fluctuate between detachment & denial, and wanting to control information and needing every detail about everything and "everything on the table"..(both are children of alcoholics) ..and it never works or helps just creates more distrust/frustration with AH when they tell him things I told them. is this your problem? Their detachment and denial? Do you have any affect over what they feel and think? I HAVE BEEN THERE DOING THE SAME THING. COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT IT IS BEST NOT TO SHARE INFORMATION WITH THE IN-LAWS. YOU WILL END UP FEELING HURT WHEN THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND OR FEEL LIKE YOU ARE DEFENDING YOURSELF. IT'S HARD ENOUGH.

having to monitor AH from withdrawals to drinking again has been rough. is this your problem? Are you his health care provider and trained to monitor detox? This may be better handled by the professionals... AHHH, YES, AS HE HIS YOUR HUSBAND, YES HE IS YOUR PROBLEM. YOU CAN'T IGNORE THAT BIG GORILLA IN THE ROOM. IF HE COULD HAVE SEIZURES WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, LET HIM DIE??!!

MIL is a control freak (as am I) and in denial to the aspect that AH will not seek treatment. She keeps throwing all the rational solutions at me and all the bad things that could happen....it isn't helping. I tell her I know these things and have the grounded down molars in my mouth from imagining the What -If scenarios. is this your problem? You can't tell the future. You have no idea what will happen an hour from now, much less a day, month, or year from now. And your MIL's thought process...is this your problem? No. It's her own stinkin thinkin. I ALSO GET ANNOYED WHEN PEOPLE'S ADVICE IS "HE NEEDS TO GET HELP!" DAHHH! I TOO AM A CONTROL FREAK. WHAT MAKES IT WORSE IS HE IS THE ONLY BREAD WINNER. SO OF COURSE I BETTER FIX THINGS OR I GO DOWN THE TUBES. IF THIS HAD HAPPENED WHILE WE WERE DATING WHEN I HAD MY OWN PLACE AND MY GREAT JOB AND NO PROBLEM WITH DATES....HE WOULD HAVE BEEN DROPPED LIKE A HOT POTATO. BUT NOW I AM MARRIED, UNEMPLOYED, SO IT IS NOT SO EASY. PLEASE PEOPLE, STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT SEEM SO EASY!!!!

I guess I need support and I feel like I will need to defend myself shortly......and answer lots of questions and deal with AH anger because they know....WHICH IS FINE. Whose problem are you feeling the need to defend yourself from? Is it yours? Or theirs? DO WHAT I DID, THANK THEM FOR THEIR CONCERN BUT ASK THEM FOR PRIVACY DURING THIS TIME. STOP SHARING! TELL THEM THEY SHOULD TALK TO THEIR SON IF THEY WANT INFORMATION ABOUT HIS HEALTH. THEN FIND YOUR OWN FAMILY OR FRIEND WHO YOU KNOW HAS YOUR BACK AND CONFIDE IN THEM!!! TRUST MY WORDS!

Tuffgirl

Well here's the thing. It can be this easy, if we get out of our own way and stop making everything so damn difficult. That's the key. And now sitting on the other end of this train wreck, I can say this with the utmost confidence. I made a lot of situations harder in my life by my own stinkin thinkin.

Amber - hope your talk with the MIL went well. Just remember, you are not responsible for how she reacts to your updates. You are only responsible for you.

Stay strong, and hang in there!
~T

Amber23

Ahhhhh sosad2008.....you are a breath of fresh air

of course I appreciate all the posts and the reasoning behind them...but it feels good to hear what you said. Because yes, when the person you love could die on your watch, it's not easy to be rational and detached. All your points are refreshing because I am not on the other side of this "train wreck" yet...I am in the midst of it and its hard to know how to do what's best.

I spoke with MIL and I felt I was frustrated and much less compassionate towards her son than she would like.....and at one point asked me "how" he gets the beer....I was stumped by that question...does she think I am feeding it to him or allowing him to get it?...that brought me back to reality, that this is going to be a long road with them.

(sidenote: why do "normal" people think you can tell or make an addict do or not do something so rational?) lol

However, I made a point in the conversation to state that I didn't want to burden them with this during their vacation but I wanted them to feel free to discuss things with him how and when they want. That I don't want to control anything and that it was their relationship (I got this from Katiekate's post " stop protecting them from each other, it's their relationship."

I think I made a point and she didn't bombard me with all the usual detailed oriented questions....not yet anyways. I can hear the wheels turning and it makes me frustrated to think I will be defending myself soon. This is a wonderful MIL, and I truly love her, but when she wants something it is hard for her to let go...and I am just so tired on every angle.

She is lending him money....to pay the "bills"....I told her I did not want it, that we need to figure this out and he needs to deal with why we don't have money. But she is so rational in not wanting us to pay reconnect fees etc...she would be shocked at the amount of money spent on his beer...nerver mind a reconnect fee!

I am going to keep it simple and not divulge more then needed. Thanks for the advice on that! I told her that I am looking into life insurance policies for him because he is falling everyday. I think that describes where my head is at and the urgency of the matter....

More to come!!
I would LOVE to hear more in-law dynamics and advice....

sosad2008

Your welcome Amber. I started off like you. First keeping it a secret (as my husband insisted), and put up with getting blamed and looked at suspiciously by his family when he....when he started having anxiety attacks and ended up in the hospital with a seizure without a medical explanation. I have heard from them -- "ha ha, maybe your wife is poisoning you" or asking me "is he eating healthy...now he has anxiety [too]."

I was too embarrassed to tell my family. It was easier to tell his - especially since it was his family I felt they had a right to know that he was doing things that could be fatal.

I eventually told my family. They were more understanding that I thought they would be even though our family didn't grow up with abuse problems or know many people who have this problem. Unfortunately in his family at least half of them have an abuse problem. And all his friends are alcoholic (every one). I didn't know this before we were married (including the fact that my husband was alcoholic) because it was a long distance relationship and it wasn't really talked about with the family.

The best advice I can give you is to get yourself to a point where you can be independent. If you are independent and he is not contributing financially, I would put him in the care of his family and leave the relationship.

I know you are at the beginning of this and you still have hope. You probably love him. I don't wish this on anyone. I wish I could leave. I was living a comfortable life before I met my husband with a good career. He earns a large salary ($200k) and we have a comfortable home. I am basically the only glue keeping him from losing his job and having the ability to support me. I don't know what career I could have now -- what job even in this bad economy. I would have no health insurance. Leaving and living in poverty for me feels more painful than staying. So I am staying. If I was younger and had less to lose, I would leave.

Health insurance will be difficult to get and if you do get it, it will be very expensive. My husband was able to get it before he started having all these health problems associated with his drinking. His drinking has gotten worse over the years and because of his age, his body doesn't bounce back the way it use to.

Because alcoholism is a chronic disease, staying with him would mean a life long commitment even after he decides he wants to get help. Meaning he has to keep on this and you have to support him. I don't know how old you are or if you have kids. You have to ask yourself. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

sosad2008

Just wanted to add to my comment above (first paragraph)...one of the reasons they implied why my husband was having anxiety was perhaps he was so unhappy in his marriage.

Just want to make the point that sometimes you get blamed as the wife because that is just how the in-law dynamic goes. Even though my gosh, they should be thanking you up and down for all you are doing to help their son...that is so frustrating, and confusing and really hurts. That is why I say. Politely cut the information off. They will only add to your pain.

Adventure

Hi sosad

You give some excellent advice about how to deal with the in-laws. It's a cliché but ultimately blood is thicker than water, and yes, frequently, we get the blame for our poor husband's drinking, because it must be that we are nasty people or not loving enough or whatever it might be, as their precious sons (or daughters) couldn't possibly be at fault. OK, that's my situation anyway lol!

Very well put. Amber, I have never had an offer of money from in-laws, we are lucky that we have never needed it. We are not very well off, but have a manageable mortgage etc. so thankfully no assitance required or wanted from them! That must be a very difficult situation, to have to turn down supposedly kind offers from them. Also, I cannot believe she gives your AH money for bills - I'm lost for words on this to be honest...

Sorry for all you have sacrificed sosad. What you have said above is key. Until you reach a point where the pain of staying is less than the pain of going then I guess you are stuck. Is there anything you could think about doing to change this? I'm sure you're way ahead of me and have looked into your options, but just curious.

Above all, I 100% agree with this.....

baileyboop

Just wanted to share that reading and becoming educated has helped me tremendously in my journey and dance withmy loved one's alcoholism. Currently reading The Drinker's Woman: I by Ariel. Check it out if you get a chance. Hugs to you