hello
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 181
hello
I know many of you don't want to read my posts but I'm posting anyway and not sure why either. I understand husband is an alcoholic and that I am an enabler by staying and letting him think this is o.k. I also understand how this is and will affect my children's lives..but also there are a lot of other circumstances that affect everyones lives everyday...I have a choice to be here which is the difference but even still I am just coming out of this denial for a few mos. Now...AH drinking is escalating. He told me that he doesnt feel right when hes not drinking and that I have every right as a wife to leave him and he admits he is dangerous 75% of the time..which is more like 99.9 . This is after an evening where he got out his sawed off bb gun at 9:40 at night, setup a crate andbox and shot and let kids shoot..I took the 2 yr. Old in quick. And tried to get them to come in but they would not...I knew I should get kids inside but afraid of making a big deal out of a bb gun. BUT it was dark, kids dont know how to shoot and hes drunk! Got to take break from shaking...ok finally after asking three times they come in and AH says to me...are u having an anxiety attack? Sneering ...For some reason i just didnt want to let on right then that i was...but that was a week ago now..he gave my 8 yr old a lighter and told him to light rhefire even though he doesnt even know how to use a lighter..AH always puts gasoline on fire and I had to pick up daughter from gymnastics at 8:30. Tookmy son and 2 yr. Old with me not leaving them alone with him! Gew weeksago Ah put gasoline in a gatorade bottle and said it was a mini bomb...to scare me but its all right since there wasnt a lid right? He gets drunk in middle of dayand throws his burning cigs out in the yard while kids are running around barefoot playin in slip n slide...falls asleep onswing and still wants to drive...
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 47
TCB5568, I welcome seeing your posts because it means you are still with us, but I am afraid that one day I will read that you or your children have been seriously injured or killed. Please please PLEASE call the Domestic Violence hotline (I am sure someone will be along to post the number shortly). This is not a situation that is going to get better. Please just talk to someone for the sake of your and your children's wellbeing. Your husband is a very very dangerous man.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Your children are in a very very dangerous situation where they will eventually be badly hurt or worse. The only way to prevent that is to leave him or make him leave. You can't protect them from him if he is living with you.
Previous threads have outlined many strategies for you to use as we know this is not easy. Please re-read them. I have re-read my old threads so many times I can't even count. I always benefit from doing it.
Previous threads have outlined many strategies for you to use as we know this is not easy. Please re-read them. I have re-read my old threads so many times I can't even count. I always benefit from doing it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
TCB,
Sometimes when we cannot change our circumstances, Life just steps in and does it for us. And when that happens, it is usually a painful catastrophe.
Life is presenting you with a choice: your alcoholic husband or your children. You have to choose. This is a moral decision in your life.
My gut feeling is that if you do not choose, Life is going to take control where you will not. God gave you those babies with a solemn expectation that you protect them.
The DV number for advice is 800-799-SAFE.
Sometimes when we cannot change our circumstances, Life just steps in and does it for us. And when that happens, it is usually a painful catastrophe.
Life is presenting you with a choice: your alcoholic husband or your children. You have to choose. This is a moral decision in your life.
My gut feeling is that if you do not choose, Life is going to take control where you will not. God gave you those babies with a solemn expectation that you protect them.
The DV number for advice is 800-799-SAFE.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
English Garden is exactly right.... I fear that the only thing that will motivate you to take any real action will be serious injury to one of your precious children. This makes me incredibly sad. I think about you often TCB, and my next thought is always a prayer for your children. I have to remember that God has you all in his loving arms and then I let it go. I will continue to pray for you to have the strength to make THE call....the one that gets you out of there into a safe shelter. I pray that you realize that you have options and that there are many services available to you if you will only reach out.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
(((hugs TCB5568)))
It sounds like you are juggling ten different balls and afraid to drop one for fear it might explode. That is paralyzing fear and overwhelming responsibility. What you just outlined is so scary. It is very different from my kind of scary experience, but I did get to a point with my AH when I was curled up in a tight ball, rocking, and thinking I was going to die (not from his hands, but this whole alcoholism thing is what got us in that big pickle). I stayed like that for a while, but I finally did get mad. And, I realized I was on my own. Either he was passed out or he was belligerent. Either way, he was no help. If I wanted something different, I was going to have to get it... On my own. He chose that reality for me by choosing to drink so much despite the consequences. I'm not willing to give him any more choices that effect my life anymore.
You are in my thoughts. Please, keep posting.
Fathom
It sounds like you are juggling ten different balls and afraid to drop one for fear it might explode. That is paralyzing fear and overwhelming responsibility. What you just outlined is so scary. It is very different from my kind of scary experience, but I did get to a point with my AH when I was curled up in a tight ball, rocking, and thinking I was going to die (not from his hands, but this whole alcoholism thing is what got us in that big pickle). I stayed like that for a while, but I finally did get mad. And, I realized I was on my own. Either he was passed out or he was belligerent. Either way, he was no help. If I wanted something different, I was going to have to get it... On my own. He chose that reality for me by choosing to drink so much despite the consequences. I'm not willing to give him any more choices that effect my life anymore.
You are in my thoughts. Please, keep posting.
Fathom
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi TCB, I'm so sorry to hear that your spouse continues in his dangerous and abusive ways--but frankly, I'm not surprised.
The only person who can stop all of this is you. None of us can do this for you. Hope for change is not a plan and it won't make any difference in what you and your children experience at the hands of this man every day.
I continue to pray and hope that you will find the courage soon to take the action needed to get away from what must be a horrible situation.
HG
The only person who can stop all of this is you. None of us can do this for you. Hope for change is not a plan and it won't make any difference in what you and your children experience at the hands of this man every day.
I continue to pray and hope that you will find the courage soon to take the action needed to get away from what must be a horrible situation.
HG
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 181
He told the kids it was more like an assault riflle because the stock is cut off...wonder for whose benefit he said that? And he must be crazy to talk to the kids like that. Also one day he told my 6 yr old that mom loves him so much she wont even leave him when hes a dumbass..right in front of me hes lost his mind
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi
I have been following your story also. What I want to say here, is take the alcohol out of problem. Your H is still a problem. Many alcoholics do not act like this. Yours is dangerous. Mine was bad, he gave me 2 black eyes and kicked me in the ribs, but yours is worse. He is also dangerous around the children.
Before I left him I belonged to a verbal abuse forum. Would you believe that I started to get to embarrassed to even post my situation there. But I kept going back, I needed to, even if it was to read other stories. Why? Because I kept trying to convince myself that I was the problem, and by continuing with my forum, and I also had 2 people from there that I could call, I knew I wasn't.
So in a way, I think you might be feeling stuck now. Not knowing what to do, perhaps trying to do the same as I did, "go back into denial", but still knowing that you will need to do something.
I was told for years to go or call Domestic Abuse. It took me a long time to do this, but I did. This still didn't help me out of the situation, but it helped. I knew I wasn't crazy. Everyone told me that I wasn't crazy, that what I was actually experience is domestic abuse.
I'm glad that you are sticking around here. Sometimes in these situations, I swear, you can look at the sky, and see the nice blue sky, not a cloud up there, and you can point this out to him and show him this, and he will convince you that it will start raining at any moment, and you will believe it.
I'm still here with you. I wish that I had gotten myself and my children out of my relationship long before I actually left. What got me to finally leave was my depression, anxiety, and ptsd, all of which were directly related to my marriage.
I'll be here for you. Please though start considering the leaving part for your children. By the time I left my ex had my children convinced that I was the crazy person. Don't want this to happen to you.
I have been following your story also. What I want to say here, is take the alcohol out of problem. Your H is still a problem. Many alcoholics do not act like this. Yours is dangerous. Mine was bad, he gave me 2 black eyes and kicked me in the ribs, but yours is worse. He is also dangerous around the children.
Before I left him I belonged to a verbal abuse forum. Would you believe that I started to get to embarrassed to even post my situation there. But I kept going back, I needed to, even if it was to read other stories. Why? Because I kept trying to convince myself that I was the problem, and by continuing with my forum, and I also had 2 people from there that I could call, I knew I wasn't.
So in a way, I think you might be feeling stuck now. Not knowing what to do, perhaps trying to do the same as I did, "go back into denial", but still knowing that you will need to do something.
I was told for years to go or call Domestic Abuse. It took me a long time to do this, but I did. This still didn't help me out of the situation, but it helped. I knew I wasn't crazy. Everyone told me that I wasn't crazy, that what I was actually experience is domestic abuse.
I'm glad that you are sticking around here. Sometimes in these situations, I swear, you can look at the sky, and see the nice blue sky, not a cloud up there, and you can point this out to him and show him this, and he will convince you that it will start raining at any moment, and you will believe it.
I'm still here with you. I wish that I had gotten myself and my children out of my relationship long before I actually left. What got me to finally leave was my depression, anxiety, and ptsd, all of which were directly related to my marriage.
I'll be here for you. Please though start considering the leaving part for your children. By the time I left my ex had my children convinced that I was the crazy person. Don't want this to happen to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
:ghug3 Good heavens, TCB. Big hugs to you today. You must be terrified. Anxiety is an understatement.
What is one thing you can do today to protect yourself and your kids? Try to focus on the little steps when moving forward or the whole picture can be as Fathom describes, terrifying.
How about talking with your older kids about safety? Let them know what is safe and what is dangerous (lighters + gasoline = DANGER!)
What is one thing you can do today to protect yourself and your kids? Try to focus on the little steps when moving forward or the whole picture can be as Fathom describes, terrifying.
How about talking with your older kids about safety? Let them know what is safe and what is dangerous (lighters + gasoline = DANGER!)
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
OK, now I want you to calm down, get a grip. You can't do anything in the state of mind that you are in. I know, because been there done that. Right now you probably reverted back to primal, the fight or flight mode. Sometimes the flight mode is good, but you also need to think and consider your children in that. You need to relax, and not be irrational. Please know that I am talking to you of my experience, it may or may not be what you are actually thinking or feeling.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
TCB,
I have written you in another thread so I need not repeat myself. I also understand you are under incredible emotional distress. You also realize that everyone here, myself included, are trying to help you save your children and you.
If you can write on this board, you have a computer and the ability to research. Look up the laws for the State you reside in pertaining to "Child Endangerment", specifically who can be charged and the penalty. If for whatever reason you are unable to save the children when I asked you to several weeks ago, then look at what the State will do to you for not legally protecting your children.
I tried to appeal to your moral side, now I'm presenting the legal side.
Forgive me for being so blunt and harsh. I truly empathize with your emotional state but if I witnessed what you are telling us, I would call the Police to have him arrested and Child Protective Services to save the children. I'm a Dad, I can't imagine doing what you are describing to children.
I have written you in another thread so I need not repeat myself. I also understand you are under incredible emotional distress. You also realize that everyone here, myself included, are trying to help you save your children and you.
If you can write on this board, you have a computer and the ability to research. Look up the laws for the State you reside in pertaining to "Child Endangerment", specifically who can be charged and the penalty. If for whatever reason you are unable to save the children when I asked you to several weeks ago, then look at what the State will do to you for not legally protecting your children.
I tried to appeal to your moral side, now I'm presenting the legal side.
Forgive me for being so blunt and harsh. I truly empathize with your emotional state but if I witnessed what you are telling us, I would call the Police to have him arrested and Child Protective Services to save the children. I'm a Dad, I can't imagine doing what you are describing to children.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 181
Thank u Amy for understanding..Anvil his comment makes me want to prove him wrong because its just so wrong...Spes I researched the legalities of bb guns..and potenttial accidents they can cause because they arent as harmless as AH thinks they are. ..Should I just call 911 if he gets thegun out again?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by TCB5568 
his comment makes me want to prove him wrong because its just so wrong...Should I just call 911 if he gets the gun out again?
Secondly, he is wrong. Why do you need to prove this to him? Do you think it matters to him what you think? Detachment and acceptance mean allowing him to be as wrong as he wants, while knowing he is wrong, without feeling the need to prove, defined, justify anything. It's the confidence knowing you are right regardless.
He is an active alcoholic. He doesn't care if you think he is wrong.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
TCB,
I stayed around way too long trying to prove right and wrong. So please get out of that mindset. He is wrong.
I am talking to you, as if I was talking to myself,back in the days when I was dealing with this. So please take what you can and leave the rest.
Your H is dangerous, even without the alcohol. Mine was also. At first he was just crazy when he drank, but then it was like a "kindling affect", he no longer knew how to act, other than how he acted.
I,on the other hand, had "Stockholm Syndrome", just hoping and waiting for any crumbs of decency and normalcy, affection that I could get.
Get out of the fight or flight mode. It's a primal thing, and one that you go into without any rational thought.
Calm down. Then think things through. Make rational decisions.
and really not telling you what to do, it was the speech that I had in my head
I stayed around way too long trying to prove right and wrong. So please get out of that mindset. He is wrong.
I am talking to you, as if I was talking to myself,back in the days when I was dealing with this. So please take what you can and leave the rest.
Your H is dangerous, even without the alcohol. Mine was also. At first he was just crazy when he drank, but then it was like a "kindling affect", he no longer knew how to act, other than how he acted.
I,on the other hand, had "Stockholm Syndrome", just hoping and waiting for any crumbs of decency and normalcy, affection that I could get.
Get out of the fight or flight mode. It's a primal thing, and one that you go into without any rational thought.
Calm down. Then think things through. Make rational decisions.
and really not telling you what to do, it was the speech that I had in my head
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