hello
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Amy thanks for your stories and this is also an older bb gun which can still cause brain damGe. I just read a storywhere a 6 yr. Old was shot in thehead and suffered bad trauma and told my husband about this the next day..
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Originally Posted by TCB5568 
Windmills thank you for that link. It sure sounds like my AH..another form of abuse I learned a couple weeks ago was gaslighting and i cried after reading about it because its exactly how I felt but now That Im aware I should be able to change it right?
I remember so well thinking that if only my stepson would come to his senses and realize what he was doing, everything would be better. I'm sorry to say--it just does not work that way.
I was not able to change him.
I was not able to get him to admit he was wrong.
I was not able to get him to see how badly his actions hurt his family.
I was not able get him to see the "error of his ways".
I am not that powerful....and neither are you
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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my ex taunted me also,and guess what,I bit. Sure way toshow that you are crazy. The kids are not aware of the taunts, they are said low,and almost inaudible. They just see your reaction. BTDT. Please stay calm. The words coming out of his mouth, are what he thinks of himself, not you
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Yet again another story
My ex taunted me. He knew by this time that hitting me was not OK, but he would taunt me and follow me around until I wanted to hit him, or kill him. Is that what you want it to come down to?
I still have fantasies of killing him, or maybe not, Iwant to just stab him over and over again,but he still gets up,because I want to do it again.
Do you want to get to this place?
My ex taunted me. He knew by this time that hitting me was not OK, but he would taunt me and follow me around until I wanted to hit him, or kill him. Is that what you want it to come down to?
I still have fantasies of killing him, or maybe not, Iwant to just stab him over and over again,but he still gets up,because I want to do it again.
Do you want to get to this place?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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Originally Posted by TCB5568
Yes hydrogirl. Need to change myself and stop believing him. Iused to believe everything he said and he was my hero...ha can u believe it?
and sorry for hogging your post
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I didn't get crazy till 2005, I was already married by that time for 18 years. I joined this forum because I was(is) an alcoholic. I still wasn't drinking till I think sometime in 2007.
Some people just make you crazy. Yes, I turned to alcohol. It numbed things for me.
If I had access to drugs, I might have donethat also.
You arent't in as long as I was, you can get back out there, actually found out that I can do this also. I am stll atrractive, no matterwhat he says.
I may have a scar on my face from the second black eye, but did find out that people actually do like me for who I am. Not what I was told
Some people just make you crazy. Yes, I turned to alcohol. It numbed things for me.
If I had access to drugs, I might have donethat also.
You arent't in as long as I was, you can get back out there, actually found out that I can do this also. I am stll atrractive, no matterwhat he says.
I may have a scar on my face from the second black eye, but did find out that people actually do like me for who I am. Not what I was told
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
TCB, What I keep hearing you say in many different ways is that you are attempting to use logic with this man. You are trying to convince him of something, trying to make him see that what he is doing is wrong. It's clear to you and it's very clear to all of us on this board that what he is doing very dangerous. But I can guarantee you this one thing: He is very sick and he doesn't think like 'normal' people. Even if he stopped drinking tomorrow, I believe he is so sick that it wouldn't help matters at all. He will not get any better....no matter what you say or how you try to make him see it....his brain is not working right at all. You are only wasting your energy approaching the problem from that angle and things are only going to get worse, not better.
Do YOU see how much worse things have gotten just since you've been posting here? He's not going to leave just because you ask him to. He's not. You are going to have to be the one to take action. He has nothing to lose by staying there -- he has no motivation to leave at all. He's drunk most of the time and he's very sick. You can't appeal to his 'reasonable' side because he absolutely does not have one. He doesn't think the way you do. He is not well.
Can you tell me, in the best way you can (and I know its hard), what is stopping you from calling for help?
Do YOU see how much worse things have gotten just since you've been posting here? He's not going to leave just because you ask him to. He's not. You are going to have to be the one to take action. He has nothing to lose by staying there -- he has no motivation to leave at all. He's drunk most of the time and he's very sick. You can't appeal to his 'reasonable' side because he absolutely does not have one. He doesn't think the way you do. He is not well.
Can you tell me, in the best way you can (and I know its hard), what is stopping you from calling for help?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
As a child I was somewhat raised by a physically/verbally abusive alcoholic, I prayed that someone would come and rescue me, no one did...why? Because Child Protective Services were not as organized or efficient as they are today, today the school, a family member or a neighbor would have called and someone would have rescued me.
I sincerely hope that "someone" comes and rescues your children before one of them ends up dead or mamed for life. They are already emotionally damaged.
You are not doing your job as a responsible parent, and IMO there is no excuse for it.
There are resources available to you, they have been posted here many times and you do nothing to protect your children.
I sincerely hope that "someone" comes and rescues your children before one of them ends up dead or mamed for life. They are already emotionally damaged.
You are not doing your job as a responsible parent, and IMO there is no excuse for it.
There are resources available to you, they have been posted here many times and you do nothing to protect your children.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
TCB, this is a very difficult time for you and your children. I just learned about gaslighting from my therapist, and have also been reading about it. It is mind-boggling, and I think it will take a while for me to really assimilate what it means and unwind from all the contortions my thinking has gotten into.
What concerns me now so much for you, and I echo so many of the others posting on this thread, is your safety and the safety of your children.
You need to remove yourself from this situation, immediately.
It's like sitting on a powder-keg with a raving lunatic running in and out of the room with a lit match.
If your thinking is not clear now, you may need someone else to help you make this decision. Do you have family, friends, a pastor? Talk to them as soon as you can. Even calling the pediatrician would get you some help.
If the thought of leaving permanently is just too much to deal with right now, then look at this as a temporary situation and just take one little step to get you and your children out of the house. Do you have family or friends that you could go to for a "short vacation"?
That may be a more comfortable way to think of this. You don't have to make a big decision that will last forever. You just need to take the very next step, right now, and get out of that house and go into the care of someone who cares about you RIGHT NOW.
If you can get some time away and find people to talk to, then I think your head will clear and you will be able to get some real perspective on just how bad this situation really is.
The truth is NOT to trust your instincts right now: you've been gaslighted and you are not thinking rationally.
We all care so much and we just don't want to hear a very bad ending to this.
BothSidesNow
What concerns me now so much for you, and I echo so many of the others posting on this thread, is your safety and the safety of your children.
You need to remove yourself from this situation, immediately.
It's like sitting on a powder-keg with a raving lunatic running in and out of the room with a lit match.
If your thinking is not clear now, you may need someone else to help you make this decision. Do you have family, friends, a pastor? Talk to them as soon as you can. Even calling the pediatrician would get you some help.
If the thought of leaving permanently is just too much to deal with right now, then look at this as a temporary situation and just take one little step to get you and your children out of the house. Do you have family or friends that you could go to for a "short vacation"?
That may be a more comfortable way to think of this. You don't have to make a big decision that will last forever. You just need to take the very next step, right now, and get out of that house and go into the care of someone who cares about you RIGHT NOW.
If you can get some time away and find people to talk to, then I think your head will clear and you will be able to get some real perspective on just how bad this situation really is.
The truth is NOT to trust your instincts right now: you've been gaslighted and you are not thinking rationally.
We all care so much and we just don't want to hear a very bad ending to this.
BothSidesNow
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
TCB, my heart and prayers go out to you, and if you were my friend or family member, I would be at your house right now with my car running, ready to take you and your precious children away from that dangerous situation. I know that if it were me, if that gun ever came out again, I would not wait to call 911, I would have those children out of the house in a heartbeat. I hope and pray that you can gather the strength to leave the situation before there is a "next time." Because I do not think he is going to leave, no matter what he says, and you may not be able to "make" him go. Sending strength to you to do the next right thing for your children.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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Hey there, just checking in, how are you? How are the kids? Just wanted you to know that you won't lose me, as hard as you might try sometimes. I did it too. I isolated myself because I didn't want to hear the truth. But I'll still be here for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Whatever you decide to do, is OK.
I know you came here looking for answers. That's Ok. You were afraid to post, but you did anyway, and that's OK
So,instead of all that, why don't we just help you think of a solution?
Is that OK?
I know you came here looking for answers. That's Ok. You were afraid to post, but you did anyway, and that's OK
So,instead of all that, why don't we just help you think of a solution?
Is that OK?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I'll tell you another story
first have to start off with this
I had 2 cancers back in 2000. Breast and cervix. I also had a DVT in between both of the treatments. Oh, my H was wonderful then, this being after a month of me telling him that I was leaving him. He was just so wonderful, (let me gag here for a minute or two). He was only wonderful, because he knew people would be looking at him, and how he was responding to this.
So I stayed, I stayed another 8 years. Sick. I know that now. He verbally attacked me after my cancer treatment, I guess he went too long without doing this. Hetold me that I see you are better now, and you arebeing the bitch that you always were. I thought we were having a decent conversation prior to this.
No, I wasn't strong enuf then. Still not strong enuf to take that bs. But I did.
Then he started to disappear. Wouldn't come home for days, then weeks, then months ata time. But still I stayed.
Why? because when he was nice, he was the greatest. I waited for those crumbs. And he would make appointments for therapist,and cancel appts with the lawyers. You see he wanted a divorce also,then he would change his mind. I was the best, I was the greatest, I was everything. Yea, Ok, I wanted to believe this bs.
I finally left 12/31/2008. I don't know what came over me. Just knew I couldn't take it anymore. I had friends that I was going back and forth with between this time. They were having a NYE party. I invited the H to go to this. He refused. Then I thought back to the last 4 NYE's and realized he wasn't there. I was on my forums, with my friends, then I thought well f everything. I'm going. I am not going to sit in my house , with my dog, just because he is telling me that he is not coming home.
I answered his phone call (one of many that day) and told him that I left, I was half way to friends house, and that he needed to be there for the dog (yes, he always treated the dog better than me).
Sorry bout all my stories, Just hoping that you can leave without so many.
But sometimes I think that I am trying to say, forget about the alcohol, sometimes there are just too many problems for someone to handle. I am convinced that my ex has bi-polar, unmedicated, and just really was a dangerous person to be around.
Pls note I am not judgemental about bi-polar or any other mental disorders, also cannot
and will not try to diagnose anything. Maybe just wanted to say here, just take the alcohol out of the picture.
What do you have?
I am also an alcoholic. Recovering. Not a drop since 8/2/2011. So I can't blame alcohol for how my ex was. I am an alcoholic. I never, not once, acted like that.
My ex was dangerous, but he was afraid of the law. So he pushed me,and pushed me, pressed all of my buttons, till I almost became as sick as him.
By the time I left him, I became almost feral. (you know, like a cat) I just wanted to attack anyone who came near me.
I never want to see that happen to someone else
first have to start off with this
I had 2 cancers back in 2000. Breast and cervix. I also had a DVT in between both of the treatments. Oh, my H was wonderful then, this being after a month of me telling him that I was leaving him. He was just so wonderful, (let me gag here for a minute or two). He was only wonderful, because he knew people would be looking at him, and how he was responding to this.
So I stayed, I stayed another 8 years. Sick. I know that now. He verbally attacked me after my cancer treatment, I guess he went too long without doing this. Hetold me that I see you are better now, and you arebeing the bitch that you always were. I thought we were having a decent conversation prior to this.
No, I wasn't strong enuf then. Still not strong enuf to take that bs. But I did.
Then he started to disappear. Wouldn't come home for days, then weeks, then months ata time. But still I stayed.
Why? because when he was nice, he was the greatest. I waited for those crumbs. And he would make appointments for therapist,and cancel appts with the lawyers. You see he wanted a divorce also,then he would change his mind. I was the best, I was the greatest, I was everything. Yea, Ok, I wanted to believe this bs.
I finally left 12/31/2008. I don't know what came over me. Just knew I couldn't take it anymore. I had friends that I was going back and forth with between this time. They were having a NYE party. I invited the H to go to this. He refused. Then I thought back to the last 4 NYE's and realized he wasn't there. I was on my forums, with my friends, then I thought well f everything. I'm going. I am not going to sit in my house , with my dog, just because he is telling me that he is not coming home.
I answered his phone call (one of many that day) and told him that I left, I was half way to friends house, and that he needed to be there for the dog (yes, he always treated the dog better than me).
Sorry bout all my stories, Just hoping that you can leave without so many.
But sometimes I think that I am trying to say, forget about the alcohol, sometimes there are just too many problems for someone to handle. I am convinced that my ex has bi-polar, unmedicated, and just really was a dangerous person to be around.
Pls note I am not judgemental about bi-polar or any other mental disorders, also cannot
and will not try to diagnose anything. Maybe just wanted to say here, just take the alcohol out of the picture.
What do you have?
I am also an alcoholic. Recovering. Not a drop since 8/2/2011. So I can't blame alcohol for how my ex was. I am an alcoholic. I never, not once, acted like that.
My ex was dangerous, but he was afraid of the law. So he pushed me,and pushed me, pressed all of my buttons, till I almost became as sick as him.
By the time I left him, I became almost feral. (you know, like a cat) I just wanted to attack anyone who came near me.
I never want to see that happen to someone else
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 181
Well thank u for sharing that story. Hope you are better now. I'm trying right now to think about why I don't call for help...tjp I think I need some counseling to figure that out....I do know that I married with the intent of till death do us part.. I truly think I am past this belief now and more redy to leave just feels horrible getting authorities involved. I don't feel like looking for scraps of affection...I feel repulsed anymore about him ..and dont een want to be touched. But noneof that matters anymore
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