Newbie, not knowing what to do anymore?!?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2
Newbie, not knowing what to do anymore?!?
Hi all,
Ill apologise ahead incase I go off rambling.
First of all I'll give you a brief intro.
My husband and I met almost 10 years ago and always drank. At the time i never thought more of it due to me being only 17 and was very naive. After us being together for just under a year i decided to move in with him. This is when things started to change and i noticed how much he was drinking and it caused several rows and on the boxing day of that year after another row, i poured 36 bottles of spirits and liquors down the sink. Mr K also agreed that his drinking had to brought under control. He tried many things like only drinking at weekends etc etc to completely stopping which he cold only ever manage for short periods of time. The next 7-8 years continued down the same path. I chose to stay with him due to his promises of I will change this time etc etc.
It eventually got to the point of him attending AA meetings last year and yes there are occasional times when he slips up but i can handle that.
The part im really struggling with lately is the way he behaves towards me.
We both have jobs which are shift work so dont always see each other very often, but when we do get a day off together I like to spend it together, however Mr K prefers to do his own thing most of the time.
This weekend for example Mr K had to go down to London for a ticket to a film festival he attends every summer which is fine by me. So he was up at 530am and then he decides to inform me that I can pick him up from a local cinema at around 9pm this evening as after he has his ticket he is travelling back to manchester and going watching 2 films he wishes to see. To be fair he did ask if i minded, which of course i did so said well why not watch just the one. His reply was well i want to and made several excuses trying to justify the reasons why. Ok we have tomorrow off together but thats our first day off together in 3 weeks. In the mean time im at home all day doing the cleaning, ironing and cooking whilst hes swanning around. He also said he needs "me time" which i agree with however a whole day 15 hours i think is a bit too far, knowing im at home all day. It always feels as though hes like a naughty child who has to try and push the boundaries and be greedy. Nothing is ever enough for him.
Our sex life is a joke! We got married last year and havent had full sex once in that time but likes me to pleasure him and occasionally (maybe once a month if that) he pleasure me.
I love Mr K with all my heart but I dont know if i can carry on this way!
If anyone can give me any advice please feel free because right now I have no idea what to do.
Ill apologise ahead incase I go off rambling.
First of all I'll give you a brief intro.
My husband and I met almost 10 years ago and always drank. At the time i never thought more of it due to me being only 17 and was very naive. After us being together for just under a year i decided to move in with him. This is when things started to change and i noticed how much he was drinking and it caused several rows and on the boxing day of that year after another row, i poured 36 bottles of spirits and liquors down the sink. Mr K also agreed that his drinking had to brought under control. He tried many things like only drinking at weekends etc etc to completely stopping which he cold only ever manage for short periods of time. The next 7-8 years continued down the same path. I chose to stay with him due to his promises of I will change this time etc etc.
It eventually got to the point of him attending AA meetings last year and yes there are occasional times when he slips up but i can handle that.
The part im really struggling with lately is the way he behaves towards me.
We both have jobs which are shift work so dont always see each other very often, but when we do get a day off together I like to spend it together, however Mr K prefers to do his own thing most of the time.
This weekend for example Mr K had to go down to London for a ticket to a film festival he attends every summer which is fine by me. So he was up at 530am and then he decides to inform me that I can pick him up from a local cinema at around 9pm this evening as after he has his ticket he is travelling back to manchester and going watching 2 films he wishes to see. To be fair he did ask if i minded, which of course i did so said well why not watch just the one. His reply was well i want to and made several excuses trying to justify the reasons why. Ok we have tomorrow off together but thats our first day off together in 3 weeks. In the mean time im at home all day doing the cleaning, ironing and cooking whilst hes swanning around. He also said he needs "me time" which i agree with however a whole day 15 hours i think is a bit too far, knowing im at home all day. It always feels as though hes like a naughty child who has to try and push the boundaries and be greedy. Nothing is ever enough for him.
Our sex life is a joke! We got married last year and havent had full sex once in that time but likes me to pleasure him and occasionally (maybe once a month if that) he pleasure me.
I love Mr K with all my heart but I dont know if i can carry on this way!
If anyone can give me any advice please feel free because right now I have no idea what to do.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome, MrsK,
Your husband is still an active alcoholic. He has not maintained sobriety over any appreciable long term and he has also not addressed thoroughly the emotional and mental issues which accompany the physical addiction. Alcoholism is a disease of body, mind, and spirit, and he is sick in all three areas right now.
So unfortunately he will be unable to be an equal, supportive, loving, mature, consistent partner to you. It is simply impossible for an alcoholic to be a good spouse. Alcoholics are suffering from a disease of the brain, they cannot be normal in any area of life. Their thinking is distorted and delusional and self-centered, and they are constantly under the stress of the compulsive desire to drink. They cannot give of themselves fully to a marriage, for they are folded in upon themselves. And dying a slow death from addiction.
Yes, you cannot "carry on this way" for your situation will not improve, it will only worsen.
You cannot force him to change or to get serious about AA or to see an addictions counselor. All you can do is find help for yourself. So we are glad you are here, as that shows you are ready to face realities and to take actions to deal with what is the core problem in your marriage: the family disease of alcoholism.
On our opening page you will see items labeled "STICKY" for much reading further about the disease.
You will not be able to change him, MrsK by any amount of lecturing, pleading, crying, silent treatment, or leaving and coming back just to show him.
What gets alcoholics sober is pain. And it sounds as if he doesn't have an overwhelming lot of that right now at this stage. So he may continue at this level for quite some time.
Others here will offer their experiences. We all know your frustrations and loneliness. Welcome to SR. There is always hope. But often with addiction things have to get more painful and there has to be more crisis before meaningful change can happen.
Your husband is still an active alcoholic. He has not maintained sobriety over any appreciable long term and he has also not addressed thoroughly the emotional and mental issues which accompany the physical addiction. Alcoholism is a disease of body, mind, and spirit, and he is sick in all three areas right now.
So unfortunately he will be unable to be an equal, supportive, loving, mature, consistent partner to you. It is simply impossible for an alcoholic to be a good spouse. Alcoholics are suffering from a disease of the brain, they cannot be normal in any area of life. Their thinking is distorted and delusional and self-centered, and they are constantly under the stress of the compulsive desire to drink. They cannot give of themselves fully to a marriage, for they are folded in upon themselves. And dying a slow death from addiction.
Yes, you cannot "carry on this way" for your situation will not improve, it will only worsen.
You cannot force him to change or to get serious about AA or to see an addictions counselor. All you can do is find help for yourself. So we are glad you are here, as that shows you are ready to face realities and to take actions to deal with what is the core problem in your marriage: the family disease of alcoholism.
On our opening page you will see items labeled "STICKY" for much reading further about the disease.
You will not be able to change him, MrsK by any amount of lecturing, pleading, crying, silent treatment, or leaving and coming back just to show him.
What gets alcoholics sober is pain. And it sounds as if he doesn't have an overwhelming lot of that right now at this stage. So he may continue at this level for quite some time.
Others here will offer their experiences. We all know your frustrations and loneliness. Welcome to SR. There is always hope. But often with addiction things have to get more painful and there has to be more crisis before meaningful change can happen.
has left the building :)
Join Date: May 2012
Location: The Big City
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden 
It is simply impossible for an alcoholic to be a good spouse. Alcoholics are suffering from a disease of the brain, they cannot be normal in any area of life. Their thinking is distorted and delusional and self-centered, and they are constantly under the stress of the compulsive desire to drink. They cannot give of themselves fully to a marriage, for they are folded in upon themselves. And dying a slow death from addiction.
You will not be able to change him, MrsK by any amount of lecturing, pleading, crying, silent treatment, or leaving and coming back just to show him.
What gets alcoholics sober is pain.
You will not be able to change him, MrsK by any amount of lecturing, pleading, crying, silent treatment, or leaving and coming back just to show him.
What gets alcoholics sober is pain.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2
Thanks for your reply.
I have done alot of reading this afternoon/evening and the same thing keeps cropping up, that it is me who must change. I find this difficult to stomach though as none of it is my fault so why do i have to be the one to change?
He is adamant that its going to work and he will change but im not sure how much i can take? Part of thinks that he doesnt love me now hes sober, although he says he does. I wish i could see into the future and know if all will be ok
I have done alot of reading this afternoon/evening and the same thing keeps cropping up, that it is me who must change. I find this difficult to stomach though as none of it is my fault so why do i have to be the one to change?
He is adamant that its going to work and he will change but im not sure how much i can take? Part of thinks that he doesnt love me now hes sober, although he says he does. I wish i could see into the future and know if all will be ok
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
He isn't sober. He's just taking a pause. His disease is still active, as he has not had full recovery as of today. But it is a sign of hope that he has gone to AA.
Alcoholism creates codependent thinking and behavior in every person who is personally involved with the alcoholic. The codependent constantly adjusts to the unhealthy actions of the alcoholic, constantly questions her worthiness (does he love me?), and loses sight of her most basic needs for life: a stable home environment, relationship with a trustworthy person, the pursuit of her own aspirations. As the alcoholic becomes more and more hurtful--as he will, they all do, it is a symptom of the disease--she feels more and more emotional pain, confusion, absence of self-esteem, and hopelessness. These are her symptoms of the disease of alcoholism as it affects her.
So, she can't continue on this way, for it leads to no place good.
What she has to do is put herself first.
I know this sounds crazy, but it is the recommendation of all experts on the family disease of alcoholism. The spouse must put herself first. She must behave as if she is worth something, she must refuse to allow his behavior and crises to ruin her home life, friendships, career, and health. She must turn her focus away from him and stop expecting him to be a loving partner--which he is incapable of being as long as he is not in full recovery. And she must live her life in all its abundance, no matter what he's doing.
Some people can remain married to and living with the alcoholic while they are learning to put themselves first. Others have to separate. Some can't tolerate the suspension of separation and they move straight for divorce.
When the alcoholic says he will not go to treatment, will not see an addictions counselor or addictions doctor, will not attend AA every day for 90 days, will not commit to any other recovery program with his entire mind and heart, some people just can't wait for the day when he might do any of those things. They know that addiction is all-consuming for the alcoholic, and that only an overwhelming unshakable desire to get well will get him clean and sober. Some people can't wait around to see if that might happen.
Keep reading. Read the Stickies. Things will become clearer as you do.
The addiction is not your fault nor is it his. It is a disease of the brain, and you did not cause it, nor did he. Alcoholics do not know when that permanent switch of addiction has been thrown in the brain. It leads them into a room and the door locks behind them. They never see addiction coming.
The addiction is no one's fault. But everyone's responsibility. It is a part of the family now and must be dealt with. People with experience in addiction and codependency can tell you how. If you are willing to learn.
Alcoholism creates codependent thinking and behavior in every person who is personally involved with the alcoholic. The codependent constantly adjusts to the unhealthy actions of the alcoholic, constantly questions her worthiness (does he love me?), and loses sight of her most basic needs for life: a stable home environment, relationship with a trustworthy person, the pursuit of her own aspirations. As the alcoholic becomes more and more hurtful--as he will, they all do, it is a symptom of the disease--she feels more and more emotional pain, confusion, absence of self-esteem, and hopelessness. These are her symptoms of the disease of alcoholism as it affects her.
So, she can't continue on this way, for it leads to no place good.
What she has to do is put herself first.
I know this sounds crazy, but it is the recommendation of all experts on the family disease of alcoholism. The spouse must put herself first. She must behave as if she is worth something, she must refuse to allow his behavior and crises to ruin her home life, friendships, career, and health. She must turn her focus away from him and stop expecting him to be a loving partner--which he is incapable of being as long as he is not in full recovery. And she must live her life in all its abundance, no matter what he's doing.
Some people can remain married to and living with the alcoholic while they are learning to put themselves first. Others have to separate. Some can't tolerate the suspension of separation and they move straight for divorce.
When the alcoholic says he will not go to treatment, will not see an addictions counselor or addictions doctor, will not attend AA every day for 90 days, will not commit to any other recovery program with his entire mind and heart, some people just can't wait for the day when he might do any of those things. They know that addiction is all-consuming for the alcoholic, and that only an overwhelming unshakable desire to get well will get him clean and sober. Some people can't wait around to see if that might happen.
Keep reading. Read the Stickies. Things will become clearer as you do.
The addiction is not your fault nor is it his. It is a disease of the brain, and you did not cause it, nor did he. Alcoholics do not know when that permanent switch of addiction has been thrown in the brain. It leads them into a room and the door locks behind them. They never see addiction coming.
The addiction is no one's fault. But everyone's responsibility. It is a part of the family now and must be dealt with. People with experience in addiction and codependency can tell you how. If you are willing to learn.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
" I find this difficult to stomach though as none of it is my fault so why do i have to be the one to change? "
MrsK, I understand how you feel here. Let me just say, though, that this isn't about which one of you is at fault or should change. It is about personal growth and getting to know yourself better. There is no one at fault, this is part of life. YOUR life. OUR lives. This problem is everywhere, no one is immune to the effects of alcoholism/addiction. There is no requirement that you change. But life has handed you a beautiful opportunity. To become wiser, more well-rounded, more capable, and stronger.
MrsK, I understand how you feel here. Let me just say, though, that this isn't about which one of you is at fault or should change. It is about personal growth and getting to know yourself better. There is no one at fault, this is part of life. YOUR life. OUR lives. This problem is everywhere, no one is immune to the effects of alcoholism/addiction. There is no requirement that you change. But life has handed you a beautiful opportunity. To become wiser, more well-rounded, more capable, and stronger.
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