desertsong

I got sober March 6 with my husband. We went to detox together and for a month afterwards, things were fantastic. I saw changes in him that gave me a lot of hope for the future ... he was more positive, more hopeful, more energetic, he looked/ felt better ...

And then a month later he fell off the wagon. Hard. And it's been a downward spiral ever since.

Last night, my frustrations finally came spilling out. See, here is what his life is these days .... stumble in from the bar at 2,3,4 a.m ... sleep until noon ... get up, drink for an hour or two to recover from the night before ... then leave for the bar again around 1-2 in the afternoon. Rinse and repeat.

I told him that if this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life, I'd rather be alone because I pretty much am already. I said that I am going to move forward with my life and my boys' lives in spite of him, and that he is welcome to join us whenever he's ready, but that we're moving on. We have to. He spends half his day on the couch and the other half of his day on a barstool, and we are not going to be passive bystanders anymore. I told him I love him and that it is painful to see him living this way. I also told him that I can't allow my boys and I to sink into the pit with him but that if he ever wanted to get better, I'd be the first one to help him.

Well, after that I was told that I'M the reason he is the way he is. I'm unappreciative, my kids are unappreciative, nobody appreciates him. Blah blah blah ... all the same crap I've heard before. He can't deal with me, our kids (our youngest is autistic and he has NO ability to deal with him), our life .... he thinks that because he gives us a good lifestyle financially, it entitles him to do whatever he wants, which basically means abandoning us and not being here for us. He doesn't and probably will never acknowledge that his alcoholism is the root of our problems. I suppose I get that ... I was there at one time too ... but being sober now and seeing the futility of trying to communicate with an active alky who only sees life through his alcoholic haze, is tremendously frustrating. He is getting worse by the day and it is painful and ugly to watch. Curiously, however, it only solidifies my intent to stay sober. I don't want to go where he is.

We have agreed to stay together and be civil until our oldest graduates next year. Then we'll reevaluate. I can only hope and pray for a miracle to happen in that time, but we'll see. I told him last night that I was ready to leave but that was just anger talking ... we've been married for 20 years and known each other for over 30 years. It's hard to think of letting that go. But we deal with alcohol ... cunning, baffling, powerful. And it may take one of the few things in my life that I hold dear. If you pray, I'd sure appreciate your prayers for my husband. Thank you for listening to my rant.

DefofLov

Thanks for sharing with us. I see you are going through a lot and I'm so sorry for that. I am proud of you for getting sober. Good for you. . I just wanted to show support to you. You are in good company. We understand.



Love and Light,

Lily

Pelican

Congrats on your sobriety!

I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also recovering from a 14 year marriage to an active alcoholic.
I am also working on my codependency issues.

I was not able to continue living with active alcoholism in my home for more than 6 months after my own sobriety. I saw the rapid progression of his alcoholism and I saw through sober eyes the unacceptable behavior I continued to accept from my marriage partner.
I realized I was not modeling a healthy relationship for my children by staying (as well as exposing us to more alcoholic drama each day)

so I gotta ask you ~ WHY? are you planning to expose yourself and your children to this behavior for another year? WHY?

Seren

I'm sorry to hear about your husband's decision to 'go back out'. That had to be a blow. Huge congratulations to you on your sobriety and all the work you are doing to make a better life for yourself! You now offcially qualify as one of our 'double winners'......*sigh* swell, right?

I don't know by what method you were able to obtain and maintain your sobriety, but if you attend AA meetings, then Al-Anon may be an option for you. Many here have gained a lot of support from the face-to-face meetings. Usually there are Al-Anon meetings going on at the same time and in the same building as the AA meetings.

Remember, you don't have to take action right this minute. Take your time and decide what would be the best course of action for you and your children.

desertsong

"so I gotta ask you ~ WHY? are you planning to expose yourself and your children to this behavior for another year? WHY?"

Thank you for that, Pelican. Yes, that is a good question. The only answer I have right now is that I do not have the financial resources to go anywhere else at the moment. I actually did ask my husband to move out last night .... he said NO. He's not going anywhere and he made that very clear. So for the timebeing, I have to stay where I am because I don't have the resources to go anywhere else. Meantime, I'm thinking of getting an attorney to track down his resources so that I'll have some ammunition if I decide to leave before the year is out. He made some statements last night that he purchased two properties here that I had NO idea about, and I would like to have that checked out. The only way I will have any finances to work with is if I file for a legal separation right now ... I could ask for financial assistance as well as child support. I'm looking into that next week.

CactusJill

Oh Desertsong.... I am so, so sorry. I am in a long term relationship with a man I have been with off and on for 19 years and our story is a little similar because I got sober and he did not. He isn't as far along in his disease as your husband is, but it is likely in the mail if he doesn't get his crap together. However, I have an inkling of what you must be feeling.

I really hope he gets better. I will pray for you (and me too).

NYCDoglvr

Your #1 priority must be your sobriety. After two decades of sobriety I personally couldn't stay sober if an active alcoholic was in my home. Talk about having nothing in common!
I hope you go to Al-anon, which can be a lifesaver. There is nothing that you can say or do that will get someone else to stop drinking. Your own sobriety is a huge gift.

Freedom1990

I am sorry for what you are going through, but also want to give you huge kudos for your own sobriety.

I've been on both sides of the fence too. I was married to an alcoholic/addict (now deceased), have an active addict daughter, and am in long-term recovery (21+ years) for my own alcoholism/addictions.

Alanon has been a tremendous source of support for me, and helps me in all areas of my life. I'd suggest you find Alanon meetings in your area.

My EXAH never did embrace recovery even though he completed a 30-day rehab shortly before I did.

I decided while I was in rehab that I could not go back to my home town and that abusive marriage if I were to maintain my own recovery. I relocated in 1986 to the town where the rehab was, and am still living there!

I have never regretted that decision.

Please know you have landed among friends, and I hope you continue to post! Sending gentle hugs of support.