changeschoices

I have come to realize over the past 2.5 months of breaking up with my A that I sold my values down the river for him, in so many ways:

• I tolerated his drinking and driving. I didn't like it, but I tolerated it. I hate drunk drivers. Why did I put up with this? How could I be that kind of person to basically condone it?
  
• I allowed myself to be bullied into accepting his being friends with his drinking buddies. Not okay when it comes to an alcoholic. They were a dangerous element and a threat to our relationship. He guilted me into feeling that I was being too "controlling".
  
• I was constantly called "uptight", "Little Miss Perfect" and a "f-----g snob" for not liking his dysfunctional, drug using, criminal family. And I started to believe that I needed to be more "accepting" and "less judgmental" of them. What on earth was I thinking? I never had this kind of people in my life before the A--because I can't stand people like that!
  
• I allowed him to disappear overnight to drink in bars and hotel rooms and then I took him back the next day, accepting his apologies and excuses. I have never been treated so poorly in a relationship, and I can't believe I thought I had to accept it because "he's an alcoholic" and "he didn't mean it".
  
• I let this idiot in my life, and I'm a mother. None of his behavior was witnessed by my children, but regardless, this is not acceptable in family life. I compromised my parenting principles.
  
• I loaned him money endlessly, and I have never done that with anyone else. I am financially responsible and I was persuaded to abandon my carefulness with money to help him, over and over again.

I realize now that I was slowly, over time, broken down by him and trained to give up my core values in order to enable him. I feel sickened now--but also free to be who I really am now and live according to my values again.

Thoughts? Similar experiences?

fourmaggie

so glad you can see what you have done...meaning in a compromising way ....but the whole thing is...when you live with an A, he makes all the choices and you realize to not start a "fight" you give in easier to save the HASSEL....

my mom says living with an A you did not know you HAD choices...but for me, i can see abit of what your saying...(to save the "headache")

BUT NOW, you make the choices...and now can really set your boundaries and stick with them...i do, i get called a b*i*ch alot from men, because i am not enabling bad behaviour anymore...I am WORTH MORE

now you can get YOUR BACK BONE back...and love it...

we dont need people walking all over us, UNLES we let them...

lillamy

Similar experiences over heah.

Another observation is that I used other people's lower standards to justify how mine weren't really that low. Example:

I was outraged at people who could stay with a person who drove while drunk. I had no words for how detestable I thought those people were -- both the drunk driver and the partner who stayed with the drunk driver.

Be that right or wrong -- what I would think was, "at least my husband doesn't drive drunk. if he ever did that, I would totally leave him. In a heartbeat."

It's a slippery slope, though. You start accepting that he occasionally passes out drunk when you had planned on going to a movie. Then you start accepting that he passes out drunk every night. Then you start accepting that he needs a drink to get back on his feet the next morning. Etc. It's like that frog in the pot analogy: You gradually lower your standards and don't even realize it's happening.

And I relate to your feeling of freedom to be yourself again. Lots. I'm excited paying my bills now because I know I can. I feel empowered when I can decide, "You know, I really don't like that person, so I'm just not going to continue doing lunch with them."

You never really lost yourself, or your values. You just misplaced them for a while.

transformyself

Yes, this, except now that I've realized it, and am working on forgiving myself, I can keep this acceptance of who he is (or she in the case of my business partner) and LEAVE. Make nice, keep a clear boundary and establish an exit plan.



Just keep swimming, just keep swimming

Bluebonnet1

Similar experience? Absolutely. That's been the best thing about these boards. As frustrated and hurt as I am right now, I know I wasn't a fool. We're all smart and good in certain ways, but not at putting ourselves first. My breakup is fresh, but I'm sure I'll be "assessing" it soon enough. But I'm trusting tha God has a plan for me, and it involves empowerment and exciting new experiences. My biggest fear is the finances, but luckily he'd paid down almost all of his debt, besides the $500 gift card he stole from me last week.
I'm going to list my house, probably barely break even, but find something I can afford on my own. Just recognize the behaviors, but don't beat yourself up over them. We have to learn to love ourselves, right??

chronsweet

I can second your list changes and add a couple to it:

1. Allowed someone to repeatedly steal from me (while pregnant even and supporting him fully) to buy drugs and alcohol and forgave him each time.

2. Fully supported him for over 3 years before finally getting him a job at my own work compromising my own safe haven from him and allowing him, even inviting him, to work here.

3. Listened to his mother, a grown woman, tell me how much her grown son loves me and actually believed it for a few minutes (not long though), before thinking to myself why is my grown-ass boyfriend's grown-ass mom telling me how much her son loves me. WEIRD. He never SHOWS it, but she says it. Seriously WEIRD.

4. Accepted that a grown man didn't ever buy me ANYTHING for my birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, etc etc etc for over four years. Recently he has given me a few things but it feels a little late to be feeling all gushy over the fact NOW.

5. Have a grown man that shirks away from cash registers when standing in line to buy ANYTHING, including food for our own son, and conveniently 'forgets his wallet' everywhere we go it seems. I am usually left to foot the entire bill although now I hound him for the money he owes me when he has agreed to pay for something, even if it's 3 bucks! I have never experienced a 'man' that does this to a woman. I am not some money grubbing b*tch that expects a man to buy everything, but I do expect a man to pay his own freaking way and maybe take me out on a date every now and again that I don't have to pay for each and every time.

I have accepted so little in this relationship that now that I expect more he is mad and bitter about it. But, oooooh well. He has a big surprise coming for him September 1st. Bye bye baby!

ConeyIslandHigh

This resonates louder than a blow horn with me.

PLUS, I'm out of the house (thank goodness), but our decade-long lease is up September 1st, and he's going to have to figure out what to do with himself, 'cause he can't even begin to afford to stay there on his own, heck, he doesn't even have a bank account!

Bluebonnet1

Oh, chron, isn't #3 so troubling?? I called xabf's mom last week when he was threatening to hurt himself and she just kept begging me to support him. She, who finally had the courage to divorce his AF. I know I'm the most normal GF he ever had, but that's why I had the sense to finally walk away. I'm actually shocked that she hasn't called today asking me to bail him out of jail.

Hithere22

I can so relate. The family thing. Ugh. Father, grandma, grandpa, uncle all died of cirrhosis or liver cancer. The uncle's funeral? Everyone got drunk for 3 days! These people commit welfare fraud, lie, cheat, steal but my gf puts it all on me and says I'm the one who should take a lesson in morality from them because they don't judge anyone and just accept everyone. And then I end up apologizing.

I also get accused of being stuck up or boring because I don't want to hang out with her drinking buddies. They are horrible people. Again, liars, cheats, total dead beats. These are not my people!i used to have integrity. Values. Now I feel like a zombie who lives only for her approval and affection.