Bluebonnet1

I've been so conflicted these last 10 days. I asked ABF to move out, and then asked all of you for support in the guilt I felt, both for him and his 6 yo daughter. I thought after a counseling appointment and reaching out to the church, he was on the road to recovery. I knew deep down in my heart that I was wrong, because all the texts, calls, and begging to come home meant that he was doing it for the wrong reasons.

I don't know what triggered his drinking tonight, but after a week sober, he came over completely drunk. When he wouldn't leave, I called 911. He stormed out, and when the constables got here and asked what he drove, they informed me that he had crashed into a house around the corner. No injuries, thanks be to God, but he has an even longer road to recovery now. I sit here, waiting for a call from the police to see if the car is drivable and can be released to me. I can't afford to miss more work after taking 2 days off last week during the breakup, so it will be a long day tomorrow, thankfully followed by 5 days off, which I'll be using to get court papers to evict him and pack his and daughter's things. She thinks I've been out of town all this time. As devastated as I am, At least the answer is now clear. I can't control his drinking. I am truly powerless. And ready to get my life back.

Presstoe

Be strong. Everything you've said here is like so many stories about the same problem. You're absolutely right, you can't control him. It doesn't get better, unless he decides to do a lot of work to change, and in my experience, personally I haven't witnessed radical change in the people I know at the level he's gotten to.

I'm in therapy and have been talking about trauma. I told the therapist that it's like now I suddenly realize that things really do effect me, things have hurt and changed me over the years. Bad experiences are cataloged in your psyche, even if you don't think about them. Stick to your guns, move on as you've decided. The more things that happen, over and over again, is damage to you.

I wish you the best. It's very fortunate no one was hurt in his accident. Find the happier, more uplifting things that make you feel good inside. You don't have to deal with this.

Take care!

Bluebonnet1

Thank you, Press toe. I realized as I was screaming at him to "get out" last night that I was the epitome of the craziness it makes you become. There was a lot of talk about that in my first al anon meeting this week. Hoping to find one in my area tonight.

And yes, it was my car. He didn't have one, and when I bought a new one for my commute, I let him drive my Jeep, which was paid off. Even though we'd split last week, I hadn't "enforced" getting the car back yet. I have to come to terms with God over making him leave last night even though he was drunk.

JenT1968

no you don't. He's an adult who came to yours when you had made it clear that you didn't want him there - repeatedly, and he made the decision to do that drunk, in a car, and then when you held your boundary he made the decision to get back in that car, drunk, and drive away: these are all his decisions, you played no part in his action at all:

we have enough responsibilities in our own lives to deal with and our own screw-ups to work on, no point in picking up other people's as well.

Learn2Live

If I am in a relationship of any kind where I have gotten to the point where I am screaming or yelling, there is something seriously wrong. I need to remember this for future reference.

outonalimb

(((((((Bluebonnet)))))))))

My heart goes out to you.

Yes, thank God no one was hurt. That's the main thing. You did the right thing by making him leave. If you had allowed him to stay because he was drunk, you would have compromised your boundary and rewarded him for crossing it. If he refused to leave and you had to call 911, I seriously doubt you could have convinced him to get into a car so you could drive him back where he came from. You may have placed yourself in jeopardy by even trying.

Who knows if this was a wake up call for him...you have no way of knowing. But it sure helped to solidfy your decision to seperate yourself from him. Sometimes we need a reminder to strengthen our resolve.

Whatever it was, I'm glad you're okay. Stay strong. Keep taking care of YOU!!

Mary

ConeyIslandHigh

Something anvilhead said that's stuck with me after my STBXAH's deal breaker:

"Isn't life odd...how sometimes bad news is just the thing we needed?"

Bluebonnet1

Yes, anvil has a way of shooting straight . It's been sooooooo hard not to answer the 800 # I know he's using to call from jail. Doesn't matter if I turn off the phone. It triggers the voicemail and I still can see how many times he's called. It's been at least 30. I'm shocked they've let him try that many times. I'm going up to my friend's shop here shortly as a reminder to be strong. Of all the hurt he's put me through. I have an appointment with an attorney friend Monday to start the eviction process, although I was told I can just go up to the courthouse today and do that. Guess they can't serve him in jail. I'm just ready to be done with this mess!

Bluebonnet1

And Coney, it was really ironic for me because my lay minister came over last night and prayed because I was unsure and confused about his potential recovery and moving on. I'm lucky in some respects because the message was loud and clear a few hours later.

transformyself

This is great! I'm doing the same thing right now, trying to get enough time in with folks who love me and can help, consulting with an attorney, working so hard to sort out what the best thing to do is and how, and balance family and time on my own recovery; you know praying, taking care of myself.

Hell, I just started showering every day again! Talk about neglecting myself..

Bluebonnet1

Well, fortunately the Jeep was a tank. I think it did more damage to the house he ran through. The calls are few and far between now, and I'm just holding out on taking the sleep aid my doc gave until I won't wake up at 2 am and feel even more alone. Found a 10:30 am al-anon tomorrow that's in my area.

Presstoe

I hope the al anon meetings help! You're doing a good thing for yourself by talking with people here and at the meetings, that will help you keep the craziness out of your life.

Best of luck, I hope things to continue to improve!