Sister Is Destroying Our Family/Mother is Enabler
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2
Sister Is Destroying Our Family/Mother is Enabler
My sister is nearing 60 and has a very nasty drinking problem. Please understand what I am telling you is the total, insane, embarrasing, sad, truth. A few years back, she began drinking mouthwash and it pretty much became her drink of choice after a recent "attempt" at recovery. She entered a program for 8 days (unreal!) and that was that. Within about half an hour of being home she was drinking again. I believe that she thinks she can call herself sober because she doesn't drink beer, Vodka and such as much. I didn't even know that people could/would ingest mouthwash! She carries those Big Gulp type cups around filled with Listerine, sometimes mixed with Dr. Pepper, and she does this at work. At one time, she had a great career as a Dental Assistant and worked for 2 drs....no one knows the whole story, but due to some very bad choices on my sisters part and her jeopardizing the dental practice with a particularly illegal thing she did, she now is literally hanging on by a thread with the other job. Her boss has been so wonderful and supportive and allowed her to continue with the 2nd job as long as she attended AA and signed a contract that she would no longer drink on the premises and/or partake in the Nitris. Needless to say, she is doing the very things she got in trouble for. Whomever she can use or get something from, with our without their consent, she will. Her behavior is destroying my family, my Mom in particular. She has decided to plant herself at my parents home and won't leave. She has a home she could go to with a fiance, but she imposes on my parents and makes their lives hell. They have lost total control of their home and are told to "go to your room!" She tells them what they will eat, when they will do something, she has to control the household. After 58 years of marriage, I actually heard them talking about splitting up. That is just heartbreaking. My father has been guilted into not saying anything to her because, my mom will say, "lets not start a mess tonight, I cannot handle it....not now..." So, for my Mom, Dad bites his tognue and that really bothers me. My mother is more caught up in my sisters messy existence than to bother respecting my fathers wishes. My sister also manipulates my mother and plays emotional games with her, and is just twisted enough to use my brothers death several years ago to lay on the guilt. She has said things like "...I am just going to die and then I won't be here since everyone hates me..." again, this is coming from a 57 year old woman. She has stolen from my parents, money, medication, keys, and strange things like dog sweaters and leashes and a photo album that my mother holds very dear. My sister has bad mouthed pretty much all of us, which is no big deal when its about me. But to hear her say such nasty things about our elderly parents, who have done nothing to her but love her and try to help, well that kills me. My feelings about her and her situation have gone from sympathy to disgust and hatred. My mom tells me how my sister yells at her and is always in a bad mood and that it is really stressful. How she and my Dad just want their home back. So, like a dummy, I try and come to the rescue and it backfires every time. My sister will throw fits about really minor things and her alcoholism is like a wildfire destroying everyone in its path. I just realized that although I try and keep away as much as I can to avoid my sister, and minimize interaction when I am around her, my kids and myself are being affected. I am torn. I moved from one state to another after my brothers death & to help my parents out. I do the driving for them, run errands and take them to appointments...whatever they need. In my mind, it is time they got to sit back and take it easy. We, as the children should be helping them as a team. My sister has such hatred in her that recently, after I got in touch with our sister and brother and talked them into coming for a visit (no easy task since the drunk causes drama every time) when I approached her about trying just this one time, to get along with our other sister and a brother that lives in Germany and haven't seen since the funeral, she responded with, "...you are a self-rightious b$%*@ who thinks she is better than me and I am going to call both of those two out when they get here!" I asked again, to please try for Dad and Mom since this will be the last time we will probably have the chance to be together. My sister refuses and let me know she hated our other sister, me, and will do as she pleases. I cannot do this anymore. How can I allow myself a chance to get away and experience normalcy again, without completely being eaten alive by the guilt of leaving my parents? I just cannot go on with this craziness any longer. Oh, and sorry for such a long post...I suppose I needed to get this out! Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to SR. Your family is quite a chaos. I'm sorry you are enduring it.
What we here accept is that the problem is in us and the solution is in us, not in someone else out there whose behavior or feelings we are hoping will change.
Here is just a brief quote from Melody Beattie on codependence:
"If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative behavior, that is their issue, not ours. ...
"If someone is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her....
"People's hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness and misery are also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages....
"What people choose to say and do is their business.....
"What is our property? Our property includes our behavior, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
"In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't have to take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back."
So, Sis, the problem is you, not them. We here have had to accept that about ourselves. That our thinking became distorted in our unhealthy families and relationships, and we tried to control how other people felt, behaved, experienced consequences, and viewed themselves.
The sickness was not just in them, it was in us, too.
Your challenge and your responsibility will be to deal with your codependency and the illusion of control you have about your parents and your brothers and sisters.
Your challenge will be to put everyone's life and everyone's feelings and everyone's outcomes RIGHT BACK IN THEIR OWN HANDS and walk away.
Allow them the dignity of living their lives as they choose, getting help for their issues or not, and stop assuming you can fix them or heal them. You cannot.
You are enmeshed in a toxic family. And now it is time to begin to disentangle yourself from issues which do not belong to you.
We have information on codependency on the opening page under the headings called "STICKY." Follow the links and you can begin your recovery.
Wishing you freedom.
What we here accept is that the problem is in us and the solution is in us, not in someone else out there whose behavior or feelings we are hoping will change.
Here is just a brief quote from Melody Beattie on codependence:
"If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative behavior, that is their issue, not ours. ...
"If someone is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her....
"People's hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness and misery are also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages....
"What people choose to say and do is their business.....
"What is our property? Our property includes our behavior, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
"In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't have to take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back."
So, Sis, the problem is you, not them. We here have had to accept that about ourselves. That our thinking became distorted in our unhealthy families and relationships, and we tried to control how other people felt, behaved, experienced consequences, and viewed themselves.
The sickness was not just in them, it was in us, too.
Your challenge and your responsibility will be to deal with your codependency and the illusion of control you have about your parents and your brothers and sisters.
Your challenge will be to put everyone's life and everyone's feelings and everyone's outcomes RIGHT BACK IN THEIR OWN HANDS and walk away.
Allow them the dignity of living their lives as they choose, getting help for their issues or not, and stop assuming you can fix them or heal them. You cannot.
You are enmeshed in a toxic family. And now it is time to begin to disentangle yourself from issues which do not belong to you.
We have information on codependency on the opening page under the headings called "STICKY." Follow the links and you can begin your recovery.
Wishing you freedom.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
I am so sorry for what you are going through. 
Your sister sounds like a complete disaster. I feel so bad for your parents. No one deserves what you are all going through. This is awful. My heart goes out to you.
If you can, please find an Al- Anon meeting and go. It is scary before you go. But once you are there, you are surrounded by people with big hearts who know what you have been through and can give you support.
My Mother's entire generation suffers from alcoholism and addiction. My grandmother's house is the stronghold where it all takes place. I might visit once a year, if at all. I have separated myself from that environment because it is not good for me. I understand my solution and yours are different. I'm just sharing my experience to let you know you are not alone.
Here at SR and Al-Anon we learn *what* is right for us and then *how* to do what is right for us. We learn how to find inner peace whether or not we are surrounded by chaos.
My heart goes out to you. Please keep reaching out.
Love and Light,
Lily
Your sister sounds like a complete disaster. I feel so bad for your parents. No one deserves what you are all going through. This is awful. My heart goes out to you.
If you can, please find an Al- Anon meeting and go. It is scary before you go. But once you are there, you are surrounded by people with big hearts who know what you have been through and can give you support.
My Mother's entire generation suffers from alcoholism and addiction. My grandmother's house is the stronghold where it all takes place. I might visit once a year, if at all. I have separated myself from that environment because it is not good for me. I understand my solution and yours are different. I'm just sharing my experience to let you know you are not alone.
Here at SR and Al-Anon we learn *what* is right for us and then *how* to do what is right for us. We learn how to find inner peace whether or not we are surrounded by chaos.
My heart goes out to you. Please keep reaching out.
Love and Light,
Lily
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
I'm sorry to hear about this, SisIsADrunk, and I'm awfully glad you came to this site for help. There is tons of great information on this forum to help you learn more about the situation you are in.
I would suggest that you give serious thought to detaching from not only your sister, but your parents as well. I know it's hard to imagine now, but start reading about it and thinking about it.
I would suggest that you give serious thought to detaching from not only your sister, but your parents as well. I know it's hard to imagine now, but start reading about it and thinking about it.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Sounds like boundary work to me. But it also sounds like it is not just boundaries between you and your sister, but also boundaries between you and your enabling mother. Her decision to keep the alcoholic in the family home is affecting you and the entire family. If it were me, I would start my boundary work with my mom. Learn what boundaries are about, how to develop some that will protect you, and how to communicate those boundaries. Then, implement the boundary and stick to it.
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