Why do we want to believe they love us?
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Why do we want to believe they love us?
Theres a great thread, that was 1st posted in 2005, that asked the question, "do our alcoholics really love us like they say they do?" It started popping up lately, which is a testament to its relevance 7 yrs later, and as i sat here reading through all the comments i got to thinking, why do we want to believe the alcoholics love us? Despite their ACTIONS- lying, cheating, manipulation, blatant disrespect, etc.- we still want to believe their WORDS: why? In addition to those actions, many people have said alcoholics cannot truely love anyone because they dont even love themselves. Yet some people still want to believe their alcoholics love them:why? In my case, believing my XABF loves/loved me is less painful than thinking/knowing he didnt, and that i wasted 4yrs giving my love to someone who 1. didnt deserve it and 2. wasnt giving love back to me. He hurt me in more ways than i can explain,yet for some reason i still want to believe he loved me. Theres a marching band stomping around my head screaming HE NEVER LOVED YOU!! But a little voice, that i wish the marching band would beat with a pair of drumsticks, whispers to me yes he did. I know im deluding myself by believing he loved me and ill get over it with time but id love to hear opinions from all you!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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I am completely new to this site and my only experience with this is that I'm in love with an alcoholic. I think she loves me. I believe her when she says it and expresses it. I just think she loves alcohol more or at least her alcoholism is stronger than her love for me. I think people are complicated and contradictory and don't always make sense. I think she can feel very strongly that she loves to drink while simultaneously hating alcohol. i know that when I make the rare appearance at her favorite bar, her alcoholic buddies all tell me that all she can talk about is me. But I also know she took my very expensive new car out bar hopping tonight when she promised she wouldn't. And that isn't very loving.
Maybe it's actually easier to believe that an alcoholic can't love because it's somehow easier to dehumanize them, detach from them, and leave with a clean conscience. Because after all, if they don't really love you, you're not really truly in a relationship. It's a farce.
I don't know. I just think that life and people are complicated.
Maybe it's actually easier to believe that an alcoholic can't love because it's somehow easier to dehumanize them, detach from them, and leave with a clean conscience. Because after all, if they don't really love you, you're not really truly in a relationship. It's a farce.
I don't know. I just think that life and people are complicated.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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I realize I didn't even answer your question. I want to believe she loves me because I love her. Don't we all want our feelings reciprocated? And if she does really love me, maybe it will be strong enough for her to stop drinking.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: "Happy Rock" (Gladstone) Oregon
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Because somewhere in there, there exists the person we love, who loved us enough to get into a relationship. We are not completely stupid or blind; we make good choices along with the poor ones. The loss of love to alcohol, that takes the genuine person and replaces it with the mannequin, is as painful a loss as any.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
We all want to be loved. As humans, we want to be in a partnership where love is shared. When someone loves us and shows us that they love us, we feel self-worth. It's natural. What is unhealthy is when we define ourselves by the love the other person does or does not show. Yes, alcoholics feel love. But it is difficult for them to act lovingly because love stops being their motivator. Alcohol becomes their only motivator. What helps me is to Accept that people are not the source of love. That my Higher Power, God, is the source of love. And that the further a person allows himself to be motivated by drugs or alcohol, the further they remove themselves from God, and therefore, from Love.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
4 years post divorce from a 16 plus year marriage to an alcoholic/addict/gambler husband and now I'm remarried to a really wonderful man who is not an A at all ~ I think I have a clearer picture of my ex ~
I believe he wanted to love someone, he wanted to be in a marriage, but the disease would not allow it ~
As for me personally - no I do not believe my ex ah loved me. He couldn't, Addiction is his love ~ I think that breaks his heart as well as it broke mine. Addiction is his love over his daughters and his grandchildren, his family, his very own life ~ It even took him out of what few years he managed to have of active recovery ~ It was and is that strong for him.
I believe it is different for some A's but in his case - It is what it is ~
But he did give me a wonderful gift - RECOVERY ~ which helped me to become the woman I am today, able to love in a healthy way and able to receive healthy love ~
Just my e, s, & h,
PINK HUGS,
Rita
I believe he wanted to love someone, he wanted to be in a marriage, but the disease would not allow it ~
As for me personally - no I do not believe my ex ah loved me. He couldn't, Addiction is his love ~ I think that breaks his heart as well as it broke mine. Addiction is his love over his daughters and his grandchildren, his family, his very own life ~ It even took him out of what few years he managed to have of active recovery ~ It was and is that strong for him.
I believe it is different for some A's but in his case - It is what it is ~
But he did give me a wonderful gift - RECOVERY ~ which helped me to become the woman I am today, able to love in a healthy way and able to receive healthy love ~
Just my e, s, & h,
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 6
In my opinion, the greatest problem with loving an alcoholic is that they are emotionally unavailable. They may love you in their own way, but what they offer in return for your love will always be unsatisfying. It creates habitual behavior in us, obsession and behavior patterns that are always unhealthy to our emotional psyche. The longer we are in the relationship, the more damage it does to us. When you realize this, sooner or later, self-analysis becomes necessary. Have I always been more attracted to the emotionally unavailable and why? What would I do with a healthy relationship? The emotionally unavailable aren't always alcoholics, but a relationship with them is not just unhealthy, it is downright toxic.
If at the beginning stage of my relationship with my AH, if I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't be posting on this forum and my life wouldn't in constant turmoil. I wouldn't be looking over at a man who depletes my life's blood like a vampire. I wouldn't be looking at a person whose every breath I resent now. I wouldn't be wondering how I could have been so fooled by someone who I thought was a sober, upstanding, respectable person, not a closet alcoholic entering the final stage.
Sometimes life changes enough that you no longer have the ability to make choices, all you can do is try to navigate through the land mines. If you still have the opportunity to make good choices for yourself, do so now, not later when the mere thought of it is too complicated.
If at the beginning stage of my relationship with my AH, if I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't be posting on this forum and my life wouldn't in constant turmoil. I wouldn't be looking over at a man who depletes my life's blood like a vampire. I wouldn't be looking at a person whose every breath I resent now. I wouldn't be wondering how I could have been so fooled by someone who I thought was a sober, upstanding, respectable person, not a closet alcoholic entering the final stage.
Sometimes life changes enough that you no longer have the ability to make choices, all you can do is try to navigate through the land mines. If you still have the opportunity to make good choices for yourself, do so now, not later when the mere thought of it is too complicated.
Last edited by Itsachoice; 06-28-2012 at 05:15 AM. Reason: clarity
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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Sometimes life changes enough that you no longer have the ability to make choices, all you can do is try to navigate through the land mines. If you still have the opportunity to make good choices for yourself, do so now, not later when the mere thought of it is too complicated.
When I'm in this state, I have to un-complicate things, and the only way for me to do that is to get the hell away from AH, go NC even though we live together, and spend time with people who love me, until I can love myself.
It's never too late to save yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by transformyself 
ok this is completely depressing.
When I'm in this state, I have to un-complicate things, and the only way for me to do that is to get the hell away from AH, go NC even though we live together, and spend time with people who love me, until I can love myself.
It's never too late to save yourself.
When I'm in this state, I have to un-complicate things, and the only way for me to do that is to get the hell away from AH, go NC even though we live together, and spend time with people who love me, until I can love myself.
It's never too late to save yourself.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I believe they do "love", in their way, on their terms. For someone who is not in the throes of addiction, it doesn't look nor act like love. But these are human beings here, sick with a disease that ravages the brain and body, yes. But human beings nonetheless. Its easy to view the addiction behaviors as "not love" and forget these people are not in control of themselves. It's easy to take it all personally and think it is about us and "love" when it is about them and their addiction.
Maybe instead of wondering "did (fill in name here) love me?" look at it from the perspective of "does (fill in name here) offer me what I need to feel loved?". As Ms Pink Acres points out above, one person may not for whatever reason, but another may. That's our choice.
Maybe instead of wondering "did (fill in name here) love me?" look at it from the perspective of "does (fill in name here) offer me what I need to feel loved?". As Ms Pink Acres points out above, one person may not for whatever reason, but another may. That's our choice.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
I don't feel like my A has ever 'really' loved me. His words and actions, both, have not shown me this. Why did I want him to love me? Because I couldn't accept that HE couldn't love ME. That would have made me feel really low about myself at that point in my life, when we first started dating, and I just couldn't accept that. I thought if I could just show him how much I cared about him that surely he would see what a wonderful person I was/am. Didn't work. It actually backfired on me. He says he loves me 'now' and those words hurt almost even more than when he said he didn't.
I went through the loss of my ex-husband and almost all my friends through the divorce, the loss of my close, immediate family through my Granny's death and her will between my mom and her siblings, and lost my dad to a heart attack all in a span of less than 6 months. SO, my life was a mess when I found my A and I just wasn't in my right mind. My mom kept trying to tell me that he wouldn't be able to offer me what she knew matched up to my personality and goals in life, but I was like a rebellious, confused teenager and went against the advice of everyone who knew me. I had his mother pushing me to stay with him and manipulating our relationship, I got pregnant.
Sorry for the life story, but I guess I never felt like he *loved* me, still don't. I do think I cared about him greatly for awhile but in hindsight don't really think I have ever loved him. We have never *been in love*. He told me months ago that when we first met he didn't want a girlfriend (me) because his life was such a mess (alcohol, drugs, sucky job, no car, etc.) and he didn't feel like he was relationship material back then. I say he is still not r/s material because he is an A and is still a mess. He was actually trying to be truthful to me when we started dating, but I didn't listen for my own selfish reasons. So, I can't really blame him for that, only myself.
I guess because I have a child with him, I felt for a long time that we could create a loving environment between us. BUT, that just isn't going to work. He is too drunk most of the time to even talk about goals in life, to watch our son, or to be a contributing factor to a relationship. Having a kid can't make two people be in love. I understand that now and will be leaving as soon as my lease is up.
Sorry about venting my story away, but the love thing just struck a chord with me.
I went through the loss of my ex-husband and almost all my friends through the divorce, the loss of my close, immediate family through my Granny's death and her will between my mom and her siblings, and lost my dad to a heart attack all in a span of less than 6 months. SO, my life was a mess when I found my A and I just wasn't in my right mind. My mom kept trying to tell me that he wouldn't be able to offer me what she knew matched up to my personality and goals in life, but I was like a rebellious, confused teenager and went against the advice of everyone who knew me. I had his mother pushing me to stay with him and manipulating our relationship, I got pregnant.
Sorry for the life story, but I guess I never felt like he *loved* me, still don't. I do think I cared about him greatly for awhile but in hindsight don't really think I have ever loved him. We have never *been in love*. He told me months ago that when we first met he didn't want a girlfriend (me) because his life was such a mess (alcohol, drugs, sucky job, no car, etc.) and he didn't feel like he was relationship material back then. I say he is still not r/s material because he is an A and is still a mess. He was actually trying to be truthful to me when we started dating, but I didn't listen for my own selfish reasons. So, I can't really blame him for that, only myself.
I guess because I have a child with him, I felt for a long time that we could create a loving environment between us. BUT, that just isn't going to work. He is too drunk most of the time to even talk about goals in life, to watch our son, or to be a contributing factor to a relationship. Having a kid can't make two people be in love. I understand that now and will be leaving as soon as my lease is up.
Sorry about venting my story away, but the love thing just struck a chord with me.
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I'm not a codependent myself, just a former drunk who has her life back. This is my $.02, based on observation.
First, I think that the desire to think that someone loves us comes from the very human need to be loved. We want that so badly sometimes that we are willing to overlook the evidence right in front of our eyes.
Second, I think that codependency is merely a matter of degree. EVERYONE wants to be loved and will overlook contrary evidence to some degree. To me it seems that the codependent will simply hang on to the belief long past the point where most folks would give up. Watching this happen is, frankly, almost as frustrating as watching an addict continue to practice his or her addiction: you can't BELIEVE that the person is still hanging on to their behavior.
First, I think that the desire to think that someone loves us comes from the very human need to be loved. We want that so badly sometimes that we are willing to overlook the evidence right in front of our eyes.
Second, I think that codependency is merely a matter of degree. EVERYONE wants to be loved and will overlook contrary evidence to some degree. To me it seems that the codependent will simply hang on to the belief long past the point where most folks would give up. Watching this happen is, frankly, almost as frustrating as watching an addict continue to practice his or her addiction: you can't BELIEVE that the person is still hanging on to their behavior.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Originally Posted by onlythetruth
To me it seems that the codependent will simply hang on to the belief long past the point where most folks would give up. Watching this happen is, frankly, almost as frustrating as watching an addict continue to practice his or her addiction: you can't BELIEVE that the person is still hanging on to their behavior.
But, I can happily say, that my mind is healing itself. Sanity is being restored. I am no longer under the illusion that 'he will get better with MY love," Hahahahaha. His mom may believe that she can love him sober, she can go ahead and keep trying to 'regulate' his drinking all while drinking WITH him.
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love does not hurt. not like that. people who love us do not hurt us. people who hurt us do not love us. people who hurt us need to be evacuated from our lives and put in the rear view mirror.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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I think the reason we want to believe that they love us is that we don't know what love looks like.
I have no alcoholism in my family prior to my marriage, but my parents have a codependent relationship. My father, I suspect, has been severely depressed for the majority of his life, and my mom developed seriously codependent coping methods to stay with him. I see pretty clearly where her anxiety became mine. And in my mind, that's also why I have such a hard time with self-love. My parents were blinded by their own dysfunction and I was left to my own devices. Any expressions of love in my direction were met with disbelief or numbness, until I started getting involved with my RAH, who for whatever reason became the brass ring I strived for.
What IS that?
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