drug addicted brother.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Hasbrouck heights, nj
Posts: 1
drug addicted brother.....
hello……
I hope everyone is doing well. I am going to tell you my story and tell you what is going on in my family. Ideally, I am looking to just talk to people who understand what is going on, as I have no idea who to talk to or where to go. I do need advice, and honestly, my brain draws a complete blank when I think about what's going on in my family. Literally, I put my hands up and my mouth opens, but no words come out. Nothing. I have absolutely no idea what to do.
My youngest brother is an addict. I am 35, he is 31. He lives at home with my parents, I live on my own. (i have another brother who is 33) My drug addict brother, I'll refer to him as "A"
A has been arrested in the past, last year he failed his probation and landed himself in the county jail for about 5 months. (to finish out his probation) We hoped that being in jail would really open his eyes. It did nothing for him. It's like it didn't faze him one bit. (i would have been traumatized!)
He was involved with drugs when he was in High School and barely graduated. He did have major knee surgery when he was in his mid-20's, in which he was prescribed pain pills. I can't be sure that his pill addiction started when he was prescribed these pills, or if they started earlier. Either way, he has been addicted to a drug of some sorts most of his adult life.
This past January, my mother called me and asked me to come home and help her look for her diamond engagement ring. My instincts told me what happened to it, and when I went to her house to help her look, I confirmed that he had indeed taken it and sold it for drugs. (he confessed) I was in shock. Upon looking for her ring, I also discovered that ALL of her gold jewelry was gone. My dad had some jewelry, that was gone too. I am talking about 36 years worth of gifts literally taken from their dresser and sold for PENNIES. Her engagement ring was worth 5k, the jeweler gave him $180 for it.
I had no idea he was this far into being an addict, and to be honest, I am feeling horribly guilty I didn't realize this before.
Even though I am feeling guilty for not noticing how bad this situation was in the past, how do I now move forward? I am fully aware that I can't change him, or control him. I can't save him. It's all up to him to change, right?
I am also fully aware that my family, especially my parents, are completely enabling him. This makes me feel sick. They feel like they either did something wrong, or that they are responsible (they feel like they were bad parents) and need to take care of him so that he "gets back on his feet until he can take care of himself". I told my mother that her and my father have nothing to do with A being an addict. I told her that no matter what they feel guilty for - whether A was spanked one too many times when he was a kid, whether they didn't give him the car to use on his 17th bday, whether he has any kind of animosity towards them about any reason at all that THEY WERE NOT RESPONSIBLE for him now as an adult. I told my mom that as adults we now make decisions as adults and our decisions are our responsibility. We are no longer their responsibility.
Since I can't make my parents understand that they are enabling him, nor can I change A, where do I go from here? I almost feel like I have lost my entire family? I cannot look at A. I cannot be in the same room as him. On Mothers day I reluctantly went to my parents house for dinner, and A was sitting across the table, and I felt nauseous and sick the entire time.
So, what does someone in my shoes do with herself? I am at a complete loss. I am not comfortable going home, and it seems like everyone is enabling him. I refuse to have anything to do with him right now. Right now, I have to figure out how to deal with my emotions so that I can live daily without feeling like crying.
that's my story. Feel free to ask any questions, as I just want to talk about all of this, no questions are off limits. If anyone responds, I'll try to post back and respond as soon as I can - just bare with me, as I am working 2 jobs.
thanks
I hope everyone is doing well. I am going to tell you my story and tell you what is going on in my family. Ideally, I am looking to just talk to people who understand what is going on, as I have no idea who to talk to or where to go. I do need advice, and honestly, my brain draws a complete blank when I think about what's going on in my family. Literally, I put my hands up and my mouth opens, but no words come out. Nothing. I have absolutely no idea what to do.
My youngest brother is an addict. I am 35, he is 31. He lives at home with my parents, I live on my own. (i have another brother who is 33) My drug addict brother, I'll refer to him as "A"
A has been arrested in the past, last year he failed his probation and landed himself in the county jail for about 5 months. (to finish out his probation) We hoped that being in jail would really open his eyes. It did nothing for him. It's like it didn't faze him one bit. (i would have been traumatized!)
He was involved with drugs when he was in High School and barely graduated. He did have major knee surgery when he was in his mid-20's, in which he was prescribed pain pills. I can't be sure that his pill addiction started when he was prescribed these pills, or if they started earlier. Either way, he has been addicted to a drug of some sorts most of his adult life.
This past January, my mother called me and asked me to come home and help her look for her diamond engagement ring. My instincts told me what happened to it, and when I went to her house to help her look, I confirmed that he had indeed taken it and sold it for drugs. (he confessed) I was in shock. Upon looking for her ring, I also discovered that ALL of her gold jewelry was gone. My dad had some jewelry, that was gone too. I am talking about 36 years worth of gifts literally taken from their dresser and sold for PENNIES. Her engagement ring was worth 5k, the jeweler gave him $180 for it.
I had no idea he was this far into being an addict, and to be honest, I am feeling horribly guilty I didn't realize this before.
Even though I am feeling guilty for not noticing how bad this situation was in the past, how do I now move forward? I am fully aware that I can't change him, or control him. I can't save him. It's all up to him to change, right?
I am also fully aware that my family, especially my parents, are completely enabling him. This makes me feel sick. They feel like they either did something wrong, or that they are responsible (they feel like they were bad parents) and need to take care of him so that he "gets back on his feet until he can take care of himself". I told my mother that her and my father have nothing to do with A being an addict. I told her that no matter what they feel guilty for - whether A was spanked one too many times when he was a kid, whether they didn't give him the car to use on his 17th bday, whether he has any kind of animosity towards them about any reason at all that THEY WERE NOT RESPONSIBLE for him now as an adult. I told my mom that as adults we now make decisions as adults and our decisions are our responsibility. We are no longer their responsibility.
Since I can't make my parents understand that they are enabling him, nor can I change A, where do I go from here? I almost feel like I have lost my entire family? I cannot look at A. I cannot be in the same room as him. On Mothers day I reluctantly went to my parents house for dinner, and A was sitting across the table, and I felt nauseous and sick the entire time.
So, what does someone in my shoes do with herself? I am at a complete loss. I am not comfortable going home, and it seems like everyone is enabling him. I refuse to have anything to do with him right now. Right now, I have to figure out how to deal with my emotions so that I can live daily without feeling like crying.
that's my story. Feel free to ask any questions, as I just want to talk about all of this, no questions are off limits. If anyone responds, I'll try to post back and respond as soon as I can - just bare with me, as I am working 2 jobs.
thanks
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 115
Hi welcome to sr silver.
You're right that you can't control or change your brother. I've found attending al-anon to be helpful in helping me deal with my husband's addiction because everyone there understands my feelings about what it is like to care about someone who has an addiction problem. Al-anon helps me to deal with my feelings and frustrations.
Also, reading books about addiction and co-dependency has helped me to understand the cycle of addiction, and how it affects the family of those who are addicted.
Reading posts here on sr has also helped me because sometimes someone else may be going through something that I can relate too.
You're right that you can't control or change your brother. I've found attending al-anon to be helpful in helping me deal with my husband's addiction because everyone there understands my feelings about what it is like to care about someone who has an addiction problem. Al-anon helps me to deal with my feelings and frustrations.
Also, reading books about addiction and co-dependency has helped me to understand the cycle of addiction, and how it affects the family of those who are addicted.
Reading posts here on sr has also helped me because sometimes someone else may be going through something that I can relate too.
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