Pity as a weapon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Kansas
Posts: 23
Pity as a weapon
Has anyone else run into this?
I had something good happen to me at work this week, but instead of being happy for me my AW used it as an excuse to run herself down and bemoan the fact that she's not good enough for me. I know she is just trying to manipulate me and have either run myself down to her level or build her up. I just wish she'd let me enjoy my accomplishments for once.
Does anyone else run into the problem of pity as a weapon to manipulate?
I had something good happen to me at work this week, but instead of being happy for me my AW used it as an excuse to run herself down and bemoan the fact that she's not good enough for me. I know she is just trying to manipulate me and have either run myself down to her level or build her up. I just wish she'd let me enjoy my accomplishments for once.
Does anyone else run into the problem of pity as a weapon to manipulate?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
No, not since I tossed my exabf out. They know every trick in the book and will use it as an excuse to drink, drug and so on. They are so self-centered that they could care less about others, it's all me, me, I, I.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello LittleApple!
First, Congratulations on your accomplishment!!! That is wonderful news!!!
I'm sorry that your wife does not feel good enough about herself to congratulate you. I can only imagine that the typical self-involvement of an alcoholic exacerbates the issue, too.
Is your wife actively drinking? Have you tried telling her how you feel? If she is still active in her addiction, talking to her is likely to lead nowhere.
I think sometimes we have to learn to be our own best cheerleaders!
First, Congratulations on your accomplishment!!! That is wonderful news!!!
I'm sorry that your wife does not feel good enough about herself to congratulate you. I can only imagine that the typical self-involvement of an alcoholic exacerbates the issue, too.
Is your wife actively drinking? Have you tried telling her how you feel? If she is still active in her addiction, talking to her is likely to lead nowhere.
I think sometimes we have to learn to be our own best cheerleaders!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Kansas
Posts: 23
Hydrogirl, thanks for the good thoughts.
To answer your question, she is still still actively drinking although in her mind she no longer has a problem because she no longer drinks the "hard stuff" but just a glass (or 2 or 3 , ...) of wine every night. Talking to her in the past hasn't worked out well.
To answer your question, she is still still actively drinking although in her mind she no longer has a problem because she no longer drinks the "hard stuff" but just a glass (or 2 or 3 , ...) of wine every night. Talking to her in the past hasn't worked out well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 115
Yep, quite often. If I have a good day visiting with someone. Then according to AH, I care about them more than him. If I am involved in something I enjoy doing such as church activities. I don't do enough for him, and to much for them. Dolly is right it's all about me, me, me with an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Yep, I remember the woe is me pity party,
I simply would change the subject, and when he started the repeat, I would change the subject again. I usually had a magazine on every table, would pick it up, and start chatting about a new recipe I wanted to try. I just was not going to listen to his self destructive rants....... You can always put some music on, or listen to your ipod, go for a walk. etc, OR you could move on, start a new life free of the addiction, and live in peace.........
You are not obligated to listen to their crazy ass talk, day, after day, after day, ..........
And no they will never be happy for your accomplishments, she wants you to feel as miserable as she is. So sorry to say.
Wishing you peace
I simply would change the subject, and when he started the repeat, I would change the subject again. I usually had a magazine on every table, would pick it up, and start chatting about a new recipe I wanted to try. I just was not going to listen to his self destructive rants....... You can always put some music on, or listen to your ipod, go for a walk. etc, OR you could move on, start a new life free of the addiction, and live in peace.........
You are not obligated to listen to their crazy ass talk, day, after day, after day, ..........
And no they will never be happy for your accomplishments, she wants you to feel as miserable as she is. So sorry to say.
Wishing you peace
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
It's SOP..
...they have no self esteem, and it doesn't change until they find recovery. Even then they may struggle with it for a long time.
As it is today, she is what she thinks she is, and will stay that way until she finds recovery. If she ever does. My wife did which I thought would never happen. I hope yours does too.
Sorry Buddy,
Cyranoak
As it is today, she is what she thinks she is, and will stay that way until she finds recovery. If she ever does. My wife did which I thought would never happen. I hope yours does too.
Sorry Buddy,
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Actually, my AH is usually a good cheerleader to me but on the flip side, he steals my excitement in other ways. Last month I mentioned wanting to attend a tennis camp in the mountains of CO. Instead of discussing it with me or finding out more about it, he decided to say, "Well, remember what happened up in Durango 8 years ago? You got altitude sickness. How are you going to be able play tennis at such a high altitude. Not sure what you were thinking." Okay, that was helpful. NOT! I guess that was his way of saying he wasn't interested in going but who knows, he stole the whole idea right out from under me and cut off the conversation. Pretty typical for us.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Oh my hubby used to tell me when we were talking about anything hard "I am just not a good...."
If was very effective to get the focus onto him and off of me (my feelings, etc).
It was very unsatisfactory to me. I never figured out how to interact with him and not have that happen. I really struggled prior to recovery though to not take it on as my own fault, and that I could not say something in such a way that it would not happen.
If was very effective to get the focus onto him and off of me (my feelings, etc).
It was very unsatisfactory to me. I never figured out how to interact with him and not have that happen. I really struggled prior to recovery though to not take it on as my own fault, and that I could not say something in such a way that it would not happen.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
My AW does it to me every time. Flips it so the good thing that happened to me is a great time to express how something similar at one point in her life that was bad happened to her. If she does acknowledge it, it is a brief, passing statement & on to the "horrible things " that happened to her that day. I don't expect any kind of praise from her anymore. I'm not going to get it so I don't set myself up for disappointment anymore. Your definitely not alone!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Yes, my whole life. Dad's an alcoholic and he uses it all the time. I've seen it in other alcoholics and addicts too. My XA&ABF ran out on me to have an affair with his best friend's wife (I saw it coming way before he did it). A month later he called me asking to come back, feeling sorry for himself, accusing the other person of using him, and wanted me to feel sorry for him. All I could do is shake my head in disbelief. They really are sick people. They will suck the life out of you.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Yup. When people praised me, he sulked because "nobody ever" praised him.
When I got a promotion, he sulked because "nobody ever" appreciated him.
When I got a raise, he sulked because I hadn't bought him a bottle of vodka to celebrate (I never drank strong liquor).
When you are the center of the universe, everything outside of yourself is irrelevant and annoying.
When I got a promotion, he sulked because "nobody ever" appreciated him.
When I got a raise, he sulked because I hadn't bought him a bottle of vodka to celebrate (I never drank strong liquor).
When you are the center of the universe, everything outside of yourself is irrelevant and annoying.
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