SW2012

Hi everyone!

Quick question for you all. How do you support someone who is an alcoholic without being an enabler or codie? I don't know how to do this as I am new to this but I want to be there to support a friend of mine who is struggling. I just don't want to control him or be the person that is always checking up on him and questioning him. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Sandy

Learn2Live

IMO you cannot support an alcoholic without enabling them. The very nature of enabling is to support the alcoholic in their thinking, feeling, acting, and behaving, which are all geared toward the extreme obsession with getting and consuming alcohol. The disease of alcoholism controls the alcoholic and will control any relationship the alcoholic has. Any relationship that does not enable the alcoholic to continue to drink will be ignored or dropped by the alcoholic. The disease of alcoholism dictates that the alcoholic will define and control what "support" you give him or her. If you want to support a person in their sobriety, hand them the phone number or website of their local Al-Anon and then close the door and go on with your life.

SW2012

Thank you, Learn2Live.

But do you always have to walk out of the person's life to help them?

m1k3

Actually I walked out to help me.

Your friend,

Learn2Live

You're welcome.

I have tried to "help" many alcoholics and addicts. I have never succeeded and all they did was bring horror and severe pain into my life. When I choose to strengthen myself and to let others be free to make their own choices and experience the natural consequences of those choices, I experience true peace and serenity. Your choice is not really whether or not to walk out of a person's life. Your choice is really how much you are going to love and take care of yourself.

What Anvil said. And, not only is it not our job to "help" someone or force or convince someone to get sober, work a program, whatever, it doesn't work. It doesn't help. It actually hurts. It only allows them to continue in their delusions that everything is okay and the alcohol is not affecting them or their relationships. We want to be important to other human beings, especially people we love and care about. That is so healthy. What is unhealthy is when we choose others over ourselves. Often, we don't even know we are making that choice when we do so. EVERYONE has to stand on their own two feet. Even if they are falling down drunk and stoned, stupid out of their minds.

dandylion

Actually, sw2012, maybe it would make more sense to you if you looked at it as HELPING THEM BY GIVING THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR RECOVERY TO THEM (where it rightfully belongs).
Much of the time I don't think the alcoholic comprehends that it is their responsibility, and they are usually not a fan of personal responsibility in the first place---especially when using. AA can open their eyes to that as they work the program.
Enabling is doing something for someone that they can and should be doing for themselves. I have found from the most bitter experience that when we rescue or enable others, they end up blaming us and resenting us down the line. The enabler eventually becomes the victim---every time! (this concept is very nicely explained by Melodie Beattie in her books).
I think becoming clear on what is enabling versus support is a tricky proposition for those of us who have always been "nurturing types". It may feel very unnatural to make these kinds of distinctions, at first. I think relationships with active alcoholics are not exactly the same as with the give-and-take in a healthy balanced relationship.
When he wants recovery for himself he will do whatever it takes to get it. Sometimes the best thing we do is simply get out of their way. That is my experience.

supportively, dandylion.

dandylion

I just want to add---keep reading and learning. I think you are on the right track because you are already asking the right questions!:ghug3

Dandylion

bonami

I don't think you do; you can tell them you care about them and want them to succeed, but there is nothing you can DO for them. They have to work their recovery on their own. I had to learn this when my good friend and former coworker hit his bottom and entered recovery last year; I thought I could help save his job and discovered that it was not for me to do; his problems are not mine to solve.

Please continue to read and post here at SR; it has helped me tremendously in sorting out my feelings about how my friend's alcoholism affected me and how I can move on from it.

OhBoy

I always thought of it as doing for them what you normally do for them if they weren't an alcoholic.

Would I hold the door open for her if she wasn't drunk?
Yes.

Would I open the door for her if she was too drunk to do it herself?
No.

If she asks me to pick up bread at the store on my way home because she wants to make a sandwich, I would buy it for her.

If she wanted me to buy her a bottle of vodka, ummmmmmm NO!

That of course is WAY different than helping them recover or find recovery. that is their journey & I believe one which we should not interfere with. I would support my AW by telling her I am proud of her taking that step but I would not enable her by arranging where she goes, which program, etc.

elsiem

My son is drug and alcohol addicted and is diagnosed bipolar, is there anyone who can tell me what I can do. he is sleeping on my couch at this moment. He came here in tears and told me that he hasn't been able to buy his meds for a month and his wife is screaming at him because he lost a job because he can't function. Do I buy his meds? he has no money and no insurance

Learn2Live

Hi elsiem. Welcome to SR. You may want to start a new thread so that people can respond to your posts specifically.

In the meantime, I will say that no one can tell you what to do. I can tell you that I can no longer have practicing alcoholic or addicts in my home. I also would not buy their meds. I would tell the person to contact his local social services office and unemployment office for assistance but I would not do it for them.

Bluebonnet1

So if someone is starting a recovery program, and NOT actively drinking, is there any way to support them? And L2L, I know you know the motivation behind my question
Just keep saying " I'm proud"?

Bluebonnet1

Never mind. My answer is clear. He came over drunk tonight and when I called 911, he took off and crashed the car around the corner. I'm sure he's going to jail, and I'm moving on.