What if I'm not his only enabler??
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: san antonio, TX
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What if I'm not his only enabler??
I was thinking today after I told some of mine and my ExABF's friends that we were separating due do his dependancy on alcohol and not wanting to quit, (of course none of them agreed but the girls.) I was left with the anxiety of what about all the other enablers??? I'm just one in a pot of them that continually let him get away with his schemes. I know I cant make them see things my way but I feel as long as their around it's a hopeless dream of him becoming better. At least enough to have a happy healthy relationship. I'm venting I know but I'm seriously worried of this. I'm thinking of secretly dropping pamphlets in their mail boxes describing what an enabler is. 
Did anyone else go through this?? Did it work out okay?
Did anyone else go through this?? Did it work out okay?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
I think he will find alcohol if he wants it. I don't think you can change everyone. I understand that you want to help. I'm afraid he has to do it himself. God bless your caring heart. Take care of yourself. I am an alcoholic. I had to do it for myself.:ghug3
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
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have you and he stopped seeing each other because you're hoping that will make him quit?
you're very unlikely to be an aloholic's only enabler, and if you were, sad truth is he'd probably just get more when you left. if his friends decide they've had enough, he'll get new ones.
unless and until he wants to change things all for himself.
again, yes, I'm sorry, but the good news is you are no longer his girlfriend so you don't need to worry about this stuff. I know you still care about him and what happen's to him, but you can't CANNOT change him. no amount of worrying, pleading, crying, loving or dropping pamphlets secretly through his friends doors (and you know how crazy that is don't you? 
) will make any impact on his choice to drink.
Once I got that nothing I did/didn't do/said/didn't say would make any difference to ExAH's choices, I was able to concentrate on getting my life together and being happy, because there was no point in 2 people drowning, when I had the chance to save one of us.
you're very unlikely to be an aloholic's only enabler, and if you were, sad truth is he'd probably just get more when you left. if his friends decide they've had enough, he'll get new ones.
unless and until he wants to change things all for himself.
it's a hopeless dream of him becoming better. At least enough to have a happy healthy relationship
) will make any impact on his choice to drink.Once I got that nothing I did/didn't do/said/didn't say would make any difference to ExAH's choices, I was able to concentrate on getting my life together and being happy, because there was no point in 2 people drowning, when I had the chance to save one of us.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Something I learned here and in Al Anon is the 3C's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
This doesn't apply to just the alcoholic in my life, it applies to everyone. No matter how much I thought they should be running there lives differently I didn't have any control over it.
I became much more sane when I finally let go and gave other people the dignity of living their own lives and dealing with the consequences of their choices.
Your friend,
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
This doesn't apply to just the alcoholic in my life, it applies to everyone. No matter how much I thought they should be running there lives differently I didn't have any control over it.
I became much more sane when I finally let go and gave other people the dignity of living their own lives and dealing with the consequences of their choices.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Hello holdingontight,
We can no more control our fellow codies/enablers than we can control the addict. As hard as this is to accept, and as others here have said, the only person you can control is you.
Please try not to get your hopes up that by leaving him he will see the light, get into some sort of recovery, and come back to you. If you are doing this because you believe he will change, I'm sorry to say you will be disappointed.
I hope for his own sake that the young man works to obtain and maintain sobriety.
I hope for your sake, you realize you deserve a loving, mature, engaged partner who does not place you in the priority line after alcohol or some other substance.
Hugs, HG
We can no more control our fellow codies/enablers than we can control the addict. As hard as this is to accept, and as others here have said, the only person you can control is you.
Please try not to get your hopes up that by leaving him he will see the light, get into some sort of recovery, and come back to you. If you are doing this because you believe he will change, I'm sorry to say you will be disappointed.
I hope for his own sake that the young man works to obtain and maintain sobriety.
I hope for your sake, you realize you deserve a loving, mature, engaged partner who does not place you in the priority line after alcohol or some other substance.
Hugs, HG
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They say when an individual is struggling with addiction it will impact at least four others in his/her life.
For me those others often are enabling also. I was just one of the many (there are almost always more than four).
I had to learn that the Three Cs applied to all of us....not just the addict. I can't learn someone else's lesson for them....it is a hard enough lesson to learn just for me.
The worry was there for a long time for me. Recovery and time have let it heal.
For me those others often are enabling also. I was just one of the many (there are almost always more than four).
I had to learn that the Three Cs applied to all of us....not just the addict. I can't learn someone else's lesson for them....it is a hard enough lesson to learn just for me.
The worry was there for a long time for me. Recovery and time have let it heal.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear holdingontight, birds of a feather will flock together. In this case, drinking buddies. For certain they will all "take" his side. They will probably all gather around him and sympathize (over a lot of liquor) about how unreasonable you have been to him on the matter. The disease thrives on this kind of group-reinforced denial. HOWEVER, if one of them hits bottom, or one decides to stop drinking, there will not be one from the group to lift a finger in friendship. I have seen this over and over.
I agree with another poster---dropping the pamphlets off will only give them more fuel to laugh at you. Place them somewhere else where they might do more good.
You have no control of him or them.
Personally, I understand your anger. I hate my son's drinking buddies. Hate them! I used to try to tell him that they are not his friends. I might as well have poured water on a stone.
sympathetically, dandylion.
I agree with another poster---dropping the pamphlets off will only give them more fuel to laugh at you. Place them somewhere else where they might do more good.
You have no control of him or them.
Personally, I understand your anger. I hate my son's drinking buddies. Hate them! I used to try to tell him that they are not his friends. I might as well have poured water on a stone.
sympathetically, dandylion.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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it didnt matter for me if i had enablers around me or not. i drank. it didnt matter when people threw me out of their lives( which was a very good move on their part). i drank. i had to get to the point of desperation. i hope yer ex doesnt go that far down before seeing alcohol is the problem in his life, but it takes what it takes.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Everyone who an alcoholic surrounds himself with will be an enabler. Those that don't enable them get dropped because the alcoholic has no use for them. There are many ways to enable an alcoholic. The most obvious to us is we enable them by taking care of all the practical responsibilities, like house payments, utility payments, phone payments, child care, cleaning house, doing laundry, maintaining homes, maintaining family relationships, arranging vacations, etc, etc. But others enable alcoholics by supporting them in their activities, going to bars and parties with them, playing golf or fishing or going to events while drinking, etc. We also enable by the way we think and speak. The fellow drinkers agree with the things the alcoholic says, support them in their blame and judgments and other addicted thinking and ways of seeing things, agree that "the wife is just a bitch," etc. Their whole way of thinking, speaking, and behaving is centered around and supportive of only one thing, drinking.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead 
this is gonna sound cold or harsh but:
NOT YOUR PROBLEM. his life, how he conducts, who he has in it, what he chooses to do with it, all HIS. you cannot possibly remove ALL the alcohol off the planet (he'd still find a way to get more or make more), nor ALL the people in his life that join him IN the drinking game.
you have NO control here. over anything but YOU.
NOT YOUR PROBLEM. his life, how he conducts, who he has in it, what he chooses to do with it, all HIS. you cannot possibly remove ALL the alcohol off the planet (he'd still find a way to get more or make more), nor ALL the people in his life that join him IN the drinking game.
you have NO control here. over anything but YOU.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
I just want to control everything!!!!
tell ya what, go drink a gallon of water and then try to CONTROL how long it is til you have to pee. at some point your bladder will win out.
or about midday when the sun is high in the sky, go outside, stand there, and TRY to make the sun set AT YOUR WILL.
then you will know just how much you really control.
tell ya what, go drink a gallon of water and then try to CONTROL how long it is til you have to pee. at some point your bladder will win out.
or about midday when the sun is high in the sky, go outside, stand there, and TRY to make the sun set AT YOUR WILL.
then you will know just how much you really control.
I love that. hehe Thank You Anvil
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