Story of Alcoholic Wife, Insights appreciated
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 12
Story of Alcoholic Wife, Insights appreciated
I am new to posting but not new here. I would like to thank anyone who has posted as you have helped me through a terrible experience that I do not wish on anyone. I did a panic post a long time ago and since then spent a lot of time on these boards but did not feel I could contribute and wasn’t in desperate need of help. I would like to tell my story as a reminder of what happens with A’s in our life and how it affects the whole family. I also, have a few questions which I have not seen similar situations on this forum. I have read every thread on AW by search and following all the helpful posters, a special thank you to all the men who post as it is much harder for us to express our feelings and post.
So without further waste of space I will begin. In summary, my story is very similar to others here and in most instances not as bad, although if feels terrible to me. I have been married for 14yrs, we have 3 kids ages 13 and 9. My AW has had depression for several years but wouldn’t admit to it or seek treatment, she just “needed energy”. Four years ago I woke up to her falling out of bed, I thought she OD as there was no prior A use apart from the wine with dinner. She ended in ER then started seeing a psych and trying to treat the depression, I helped all I could and she tried to stop drinking and get her depression under control, things didn’t work out. I started to watch and look for EtOH everywhere as I smelled it on her breath. I saw that she was sneaking it in and drinking. When confronted she denied it, I then thought I was loosing it and making it up. For my sanity I started looking harder and found some evidence. Later on I confronted her and she stopped for a few months. Little did I know that I was not helping.
A year later something changed, AW lost control and got really drunk several times. I became the enemy from then on. I also became the reason for her drinking. Thinks escalated into drinking and driving with the kids, more times lying down drunk etc.. Our relationship broke down, I lost my best friend, partner, the love of my life. When not drinking there were glimpses of what used to be but they slowly faded and the last year we barely talked.
Her drinking changed, she was rarely stumbling drunk but was drinking 4-5 days a week. The drinking and driving continued, I tried talking, threats, promises, nothing worked. Also with the short distances it was impossible to get her caught by the police. AW wouldn’t stop and it affected the kids more and more, she became verbally unpleasant when under the influence and not logical. The kids started to argue with her and she got worse.
A few months ago one of the kids text me that mom is drunk and could I come and get them. This was out of town so I did and then called the police. AW was charged but last week got her license back till her court date. AW again started her old habits. AW then hit one of the kids when they were arguing and then wouldn’t let us leave the house to go to a pool party. AW started hitting me (not the 1st time) then took it out on my car. I called 911. She spent 6 days in jail. Today she got released when I dropped the assault charges but she pleaded guilty to DD charge and restrictions of inpatient treatment, not allowed in the house, kids school or their sports venues. Otherwise she would be in jail for weeks till her trial came up. We have no family except my parents 3 hours away. Unfortunately, there is no space for inpatient treatment for at least 4 weeks and that is if you pay out of pocket. She had to leave the house after taking a suitcase of essentials.
AW now went to a shelter after a meeting with her psychiatrist, but they wouldn’t take her due to the assault charges. She is in a motel and called to let me know. She promised to get better and wants to come home after the rehab.
So in a nutshell that is my story. Going from a great growing family, wonderful kids, peace and harmony in the house with never an argument all the way to living hell. The hell with drinking, verbal and physical abuse, DD, neglect and total breakdown of interpersonal relationship. All within a span of not even 4 years. I hope this story will help someone who wonders what can happen, or that it is not that bad, or that things will change.
Thank you for reading and listening, it helps to put it down on paper. I have a few things I am struggling with.
Should I proceed with the divorce or go with separation, I will talk to my lawyer this week but emotionally I am torn after seeing her in court and talking to her today.
What to do after the inpatient rehab as I doubt it will work but I had to agree to let her out of jail, does she come home or stay somewhere else for a year ?
AW wants to meet for dinner a few times a week so that she can see the kids and talk to them on the phone, I said we will see if they want to. Should we go no contact ? I do need to keep some contact with regards to arranging her rehab as I need to pay for it.
Just a few things
-I can’t go to Al anon due to work, small town and taking care of 3 kids and activities even with help I have little time.
-I do see a therapist and spent time reading these forum and books for help and therapy.
So without further waste of space I will begin. In summary, my story is very similar to others here and in most instances not as bad, although if feels terrible to me. I have been married for 14yrs, we have 3 kids ages 13 and 9. My AW has had depression for several years but wouldn’t admit to it or seek treatment, she just “needed energy”. Four years ago I woke up to her falling out of bed, I thought she OD as there was no prior A use apart from the wine with dinner. She ended in ER then started seeing a psych and trying to treat the depression, I helped all I could and she tried to stop drinking and get her depression under control, things didn’t work out. I started to watch and look for EtOH everywhere as I smelled it on her breath. I saw that she was sneaking it in and drinking. When confronted she denied it, I then thought I was loosing it and making it up. For my sanity I started looking harder and found some evidence. Later on I confronted her and she stopped for a few months. Little did I know that I was not helping.
A year later something changed, AW lost control and got really drunk several times. I became the enemy from then on. I also became the reason for her drinking. Thinks escalated into drinking and driving with the kids, more times lying down drunk etc.. Our relationship broke down, I lost my best friend, partner, the love of my life. When not drinking there were glimpses of what used to be but they slowly faded and the last year we barely talked.
Her drinking changed, she was rarely stumbling drunk but was drinking 4-5 days a week. The drinking and driving continued, I tried talking, threats, promises, nothing worked. Also with the short distances it was impossible to get her caught by the police. AW wouldn’t stop and it affected the kids more and more, she became verbally unpleasant when under the influence and not logical. The kids started to argue with her and she got worse.
A few months ago one of the kids text me that mom is drunk and could I come and get them. This was out of town so I did and then called the police. AW was charged but last week got her license back till her court date. AW again started her old habits. AW then hit one of the kids when they were arguing and then wouldn’t let us leave the house to go to a pool party. AW started hitting me (not the 1st time) then took it out on my car. I called 911. She spent 6 days in jail. Today she got released when I dropped the assault charges but she pleaded guilty to DD charge and restrictions of inpatient treatment, not allowed in the house, kids school or their sports venues. Otherwise she would be in jail for weeks till her trial came up. We have no family except my parents 3 hours away. Unfortunately, there is no space for inpatient treatment for at least 4 weeks and that is if you pay out of pocket. She had to leave the house after taking a suitcase of essentials.
AW now went to a shelter after a meeting with her psychiatrist, but they wouldn’t take her due to the assault charges. She is in a motel and called to let me know. She promised to get better and wants to come home after the rehab.
So in a nutshell that is my story. Going from a great growing family, wonderful kids, peace and harmony in the house with never an argument all the way to living hell. The hell with drinking, verbal and physical abuse, DD, neglect and total breakdown of interpersonal relationship. All within a span of not even 4 years. I hope this story will help someone who wonders what can happen, or that it is not that bad, or that things will change.
Thank you for reading and listening, it helps to put it down on paper. I have a few things I am struggling with.
Should I proceed with the divorce or go with separation, I will talk to my lawyer this week but emotionally I am torn after seeing her in court and talking to her today.
What to do after the inpatient rehab as I doubt it will work but I had to agree to let her out of jail, does she come home or stay somewhere else for a year ?
AW wants to meet for dinner a few times a week so that she can see the kids and talk to them on the phone, I said we will see if they want to. Should we go no contact ? I do need to keep some contact with regards to arranging her rehab as I need to pay for it.
Just a few things
-I can’t go to Al anon due to work, small town and taking care of 3 kids and activities even with help I have little time.
-I do see a therapist and spent time reading these forum and books for help and therapy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
So sorry to hear what your are living.
You have alot of issues to sort out, the good news you don't have to decide the rest of your life today.
With time, more will be revealed. As far as your wife, just pay attention to her ACTIONS. Words are meaningless. Alkie's all seem to have the gift of gab, and know just what to say, to keep us coming back. (Manipulation)
This disease is so horrific, while it affects the whole family, it's all up to her to decide if she wants to seek recovery.
Keep posting, we will be here for you.
You are not alone.
You have alot of issues to sort out, the good news you don't have to decide the rest of your life today.
With time, more will be revealed. As far as your wife, just pay attention to her ACTIONS. Words are meaningless. Alkie's all seem to have the gift of gab, and know just what to say, to keep us coming back. (Manipulation)
This disease is so horrific, while it affects the whole family, it's all up to her to decide if she wants to seek recovery.
Keep posting, we will be here for you.
You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 82
I am surely not one to give advice as I am new to this whole realm myself. But this is what I am learning in the Al-Non, therapy game, I have been introduced to.
1. Alcoholics lie. In their sober mind, they might believe it. That goes out the window when a substance is introduced. And then they do it even without the alcohol.
2. They are always going to get better. If they could, they would. And until if and when, YOU get better.
3. So many ask when I am going to get divorced? When it feels right inside is the only answer I can give. Until then, separate yourself and your children from the chaos.
4. To go back to the life you lead is to take a step backwards both mentally and physically. The hardest lesson I am learning is that I cannot make it better for them. I can only make it better for me.
You are not alone, we all walk your same journey. Best of Luck!
1. Alcoholics lie. In their sober mind, they might believe it. That goes out the window when a substance is introduced. And then they do it even without the alcohol.
2. They are always going to get better. If they could, they would. And until if and when, YOU get better.
3. So many ask when I am going to get divorced? When it feels right inside is the only answer I can give. Until then, separate yourself and your children from the chaos.
4. To go back to the life you lead is to take a step backwards both mentally and physically. The hardest lesson I am learning is that I cannot make it better for them. I can only make it better for me.
You are not alone, we all walk your same journey. Best of Luck!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
After rehab, she could go to a half-way house, which is a place specifically designed for people like your wife...newly out of rehab, but needs help in readjusting to life. She will have to get a job and there will be rules for her to follow in order to stay there. It will be a good indicator of whether or not she really plans to embrace recovery.
However, all of that can be decided after she finishes rehab. In the meantime, your focus should be on what is best for you and your children. Her recovery is hers to deal with. More will be revealed as you see how she handles that.
Welcome back to SR! You will find a lot of support here. I hope you will come here often and let us know how you and your children are doing. We care, and will support you in any way we can.
However, all of that can be decided after she finishes rehab. In the meantime, your focus should be on what is best for you and your children. Her recovery is hers to deal with. More will be revealed as you see how she handles that.
Welcome back to SR! You will find a lot of support here. I hope you will come here often and let us know how you and your children are doing. We care, and will support you in any way we can.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Welcome, your story sounds familiar to many of us here at SR and I'm sorry that it's what brought you here. I can relate to a degree. My AH went from 15 years of not drinking and now is finishing his license suspension for his DUI, he's in full blown denial mode, my marriage is in the crapper, and I'm wondering how I became so codependent and how he wound up as a selfish binge drinker.
As for the decisions you need to make. I have realized that I don't have to make them today. I can take things one day at a time and give my worries and concerns over to my Higher Power. I can pray for a miracle and at the same time look at my situation realistically and get myself financially prepared, etc. You can call some lawyers and get free consultations if you are wondering whether to divorce or separate. Every state is different so you need to find out how they would handle things.
And, as was said above: Actions speak louder than words. And, remember the 3 C's of Al Anon: You can't CONTROL it, You didn't CAUSE it, and you can't CURE it.
As for the decisions you need to make. I have realized that I don't have to make them today. I can take things one day at a time and give my worries and concerns over to my Higher Power. I can pray for a miracle and at the same time look at my situation realistically and get myself financially prepared, etc. You can call some lawyers and get free consultations if you are wondering whether to divorce or separate. Every state is different so you need to find out how they would handle things.
And, as was said above: Actions speak louder than words. And, remember the 3 C's of Al Anon: You can't CONTROL it, You didn't CAUSE it, and you can't CURE it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Thank you for your story. You have helped so many just by sharing what you have written here.
I was married to an alcoholic many years ago. The disease has very deep tentacles. They go down very deep in the alcoholic. The disease does not like being threatened. It will look for ways to survive. It will look for ways to to sustain itself no matter the cost.
It will give promises it cannot keep, it will speak words of love and commitment it does not mean, it will evoke guilt, it will evoke pity, and it will evoke hope. In you.
For the first year of recovery, according to the doctors, the disease is still kicking. It's a volatile time. It's a dangerous time, for the alcoholic and for the people the alcoholic hurts.
Your children are too vulnerable to the hurt your AW causes while in her disease. They have no life experience, they are babies in life, and they need you to protect them from being emotionally ravaged. All it takes, for a young person, is one vile and shaming remark from an alcoholic. And self-worth is no more, for that child. No more.
Put a LOT of safety barriers between your family and the disease, a lot of protection, because the next couple years are a red zone.
I hope your AW gets well. Take yourself out of the picture. It is all up to her.
Get yourself healed and your children some help and do not believe anything she promises over a dinner plate.
We are glad you are here. Especially with no Al-Anon, this is a good place for you.
I was married to an alcoholic many years ago. The disease has very deep tentacles. They go down very deep in the alcoholic. The disease does not like being threatened. It will look for ways to survive. It will look for ways to to sustain itself no matter the cost.
It will give promises it cannot keep, it will speak words of love and commitment it does not mean, it will evoke guilt, it will evoke pity, and it will evoke hope. In you.
For the first year of recovery, according to the doctors, the disease is still kicking. It's a volatile time. It's a dangerous time, for the alcoholic and for the people the alcoholic hurts.
Your children are too vulnerable to the hurt your AW causes while in her disease. They have no life experience, they are babies in life, and they need you to protect them from being emotionally ravaged. All it takes, for a young person, is one vile and shaming remark from an alcoholic. And self-worth is no more, for that child. No more.
Put a LOT of safety barriers between your family and the disease, a lot of protection, because the next couple years are a red zone.
I hope your AW gets well. Take yourself out of the picture. It is all up to her.
Get yourself healed and your children some help and do not believe anything she promises over a dinner plate.
We are glad you are here. Especially with no Al-Anon, this is a good place for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Get yourself healed and your children some help and do not believe anything she promises over a dinner plate.
I agree with Suki. The sober house would be the best place for her after treatment.
AW wants to meet for dinner a few times a week so that she can see the kids and talk to them on the phone, I said we will see if they want to.
You have to put the children first, she is incapable of doing that now. Her brain needs to recover from alcohol.
I am a recovering mother myself. I was not allowed to speak to my children for the first two weeks. And, we did not visit until the 5th week of a six week inpatient program.
I think it was so I could actually absorb the amount of trouble I was in, without interruption. Control was taken away immediately. As alcoholics, we have no control.
She will not be "better" after treatment, and depending on how long she has been drinking it could take a long time to recover completely.
There is hope, I am recovering 15 and some years later!
Early days now. It is good you found your way back here.
:ghug3
Beth
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
Hi, sorry to hear your tale. I can relate to the rapid degeneration of a marriage and am presently legally separated from AW.
As far as what to do, go as slow as you want and if you are just not sure about something, wait. It is amazing how each step becomes clear if you kind of wait for a path to open up. One step at a time.
I wish you all the best.
As far as what to do, go as slow as you want and if you are just not sure about something, wait. It is amazing how each step becomes clear if you kind of wait for a path to open up. One step at a time.
I wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Welcome to SR. I hope you continue to post. I found SR so helpful.
I can't really know what is best for you but I can share my experience. There are many decisions along the way that I can look back on with hindsight and think I could have done something a little different. One jumped out at me when reading your post.
When in a similar situation I asked my husband to move out of our home for 6-12mos after rehab. In the end I back pedaled on that and he came back home. It is, by far, the decision I regret the most. It turned out that we did not stay married, he did not stay sober, and those 3 months were the worst three months of our entire lives together - combined and it did more damage to the kids then anything else that went on in our dysfunctional home - combined. It was such a mistake that I feel compelled to share that experience with anyone at the foot of the same hill.
You and your children deserve and need some space to get some clarity and be safe and able to really rest and breath. She has lots of work to do. She'll be just fine doing it somewhere else.
I can't really know what is best for you but I can share my experience. There are many decisions along the way that I can look back on with hindsight and think I could have done something a little different. One jumped out at me when reading your post.
When in a similar situation I asked my husband to move out of our home for 6-12mos after rehab. In the end I back pedaled on that and he came back home. It is, by far, the decision I regret the most. It turned out that we did not stay married, he did not stay sober, and those 3 months were the worst three months of our entire lives together - combined and it did more damage to the kids then anything else that went on in our dysfunctional home - combined. It was such a mistake that I feel compelled to share that experience with anyone at the foot of the same hill.
You and your children deserve and need some space to get some clarity and be safe and able to really rest and breath. She has lots of work to do. She'll be just fine doing it somewhere else.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Honestly, your story scared me. She is a scary, abusive person. A mother who hits her children, her spouse, and property, whether drunk or not, is dangerous. Don't use her "being drunk" as an excuse for her assaulting you and your children. Would you accept that and welcome into your home and your life a complete stranger who beats you, beats your children, and tries to destroy your car? If being the children's mother did not prevent her from hitting them, what will stop her in the future? It is easy for me to continue to look at the alcoholic I fell in love with as the same person he was when we fell in love. But it is not healthy or realistic to do so. That person has died and there is a different person in his place. When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them.
I can't tell you what to do. But I know what I would do if I were in the same situation. I would get as far away from that person as I possibly could. I would not allow them near me, my home or my loved ones. I would seek protection for myself and my children from the courts. I would not allow her unsupervised visitation with my children.
I can't tell you what to do. But I know what I would do if I were in the same situation. I would get as far away from that person as I possibly could. I would not allow them near me, my home or my loved ones. I would seek protection for myself and my children from the courts. I would not allow her unsupervised visitation with my children.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello worrieddad, Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry to hear about all that you and your children have been subjected to at the hands of your wife. None of you deserve that sort of treatment. Since your wife has decided to attempt treatment, she has her own battles to fight, and you are free to make your children and yourself a priority and to protect them from her abuse.
Make yourself at home here. You are among people who truly understand.
Best, HG
I'm sorry to hear about all that you and your children have been subjected to at the hands of your wife. None of you deserve that sort of treatment. Since your wife has decided to attempt treatment, she has her own battles to fight, and you are free to make your children and yourself a priority and to protect them from her abuse.
Make yourself at home here. You are among people who truly understand.
Best, HG
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
The Salvation Army has rehab, and it's free! If I were you, I wouldn't be paying a dime for her rehab, that's hers to own.
Time for her to grow up and take responsibility for her own life, she'll either sink or swim.
Your job is to take care of the kids and yourself - and that sounds to me like keeping her far away from them for the time being.
As far as divorce goes, nothing has to be decided right now. If I were worried about monetary and legal ramifications due to her bad decisions, I'd probably lean towards severing those legal ties.
It's a tough spot to be in and I feel for you.
Time for her to grow up and take responsibility for her own life, she'll either sink or swim.
Your job is to take care of the kids and yourself - and that sounds to me like keeping her far away from them for the time being.
As far as divorce goes, nothing has to be decided right now. If I were worried about monetary and legal ramifications due to her bad decisions, I'd probably lean towards severing those legal ties.
It's a tough spot to be in and I feel for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm so sorry you and your children have this painful experience. Perhaps a good place to start is in making priorities: your children should always be your #1 concern. Your wife is sick and alcoholism is a progressive disease. I agree ... a halfway house is a good idea. But don't let her near the kids until you know she is sober. I'm sure this feels overwhelming and it helps a bit to focus on getting through one day at a time. God bless you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 12
Thank you all for your input. I just got a time to read as the days are long with work and the kids. Your insight are a great help. I do keep the kids as number 1.
A little update
-Spoke to the lawyer and will start divorce proceeding but not serve her till she is out of rehab if she goes. Regarding paying for rehab in our country the wait is over a year for a combined rehab depression program. I will agree to pay but the lawyer says it will come out of her part of the divorce settlement.
-AW has not called or txt today, even the kids. They know that they don't have to answer. I find it interesting that yesterday she was all nice and wanted to see the kids and talk to them with several phone calls to let me know what is happening. Today nothing, I suspect she went to her part time job and then started to drink. The kids don't even talk about her or ask if I heard from her.
Again thanks for all the helpful suggestions, this place has really helped me and I will try to post my experience to help others.
The best feeling is that my kids are safe and I don't get any txt with "Mum is drk" on my phone
A little update
-Spoke to the lawyer and will start divorce proceeding but not serve her till she is out of rehab if she goes. Regarding paying for rehab in our country the wait is over a year for a combined rehab depression program. I will agree to pay but the lawyer says it will come out of her part of the divorce settlement.
-AW has not called or txt today, even the kids. They know that they don't have to answer. I find it interesting that yesterday she was all nice and wanted to see the kids and talk to them with several phone calls to let me know what is happening. Today nothing, I suspect she went to her part time job and then started to drink. The kids don't even talk about her or ask if I heard from her.
Again thanks for all the helpful suggestions, this place has really helped me and I will try to post my experience to help others.
The best feeling is that my kids are safe and I don't get any txt with "Mum is drk" on my phone
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by WoriedDad 
The best feeling is that my kids are safe and I don't get any txt with "Mum is drk" on my phone
Welcome, and I too am sorry for your situation. Reading your story makes me cringe for you and your kids. But also for your wife, who is so obviously out of control that even a shelter turned her away because of it.
Its very important to let her experience fully the consequences of her behavior. You are doing the right thing, as painful as it is.
Keep coming back!
~T
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
It is easy for me to continue to look at the alcoholic I fell in love with as the same person he was when we fell in love. But it is not healthy or realistic to do so. That person has died and there is a different person in his place. When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 12
Thanks for all the support. I have been very busy this long weekend cleaning the house and doing things with the kids. You all know how it is especially since the house has been not cared for recently.
A quick update, AW is living in the shelter/home for now. We have been in contact and went out to dinner and ice cream. She does call to talk to the kids as they miss her but don't want her home. Today I brought over a few things to her and she wants to talk this weekend with me and my family. I don't really feel like talking as she is still waiting for her rehab appointment and I am beginning to like living without the chaos and uncertainty. The kids are also getting used to the routine and seem more relaxed knowing that they are safe at home and no more wondering if mom is sober or drunk and how she will react. I have support coming this weekend ei family so I will discuss the situation with them and see if they can help.
I have tried to make a mental list of why I would want to separate and why I would want to stay, the problem is that I can't think of a single reason to place in the stay together column, while there are many in the separate/divorce column.
That is it for me tonight as I have to wake up early and the days are long with barely any rest but anxiety is way down. Starting to like life the way it is, just will need help with the kids and running the home.
A quick update, AW is living in the shelter/home for now. We have been in contact and went out to dinner and ice cream. She does call to talk to the kids as they miss her but don't want her home. Today I brought over a few things to her and she wants to talk this weekend with me and my family. I don't really feel like talking as she is still waiting for her rehab appointment and I am beginning to like living without the chaos and uncertainty. The kids are also getting used to the routine and seem more relaxed knowing that they are safe at home and no more wondering if mom is sober or drunk and how she will react. I have support coming this weekend ei family so I will discuss the situation with them and see if they can help.
I have tried to make a mental list of why I would want to separate and why I would want to stay, the problem is that I can't think of a single reason to place in the stay together column, while there are many in the separate/divorce column.
That is it for me tonight as I have to wake up early and the days are long with barely any rest but anxiety is way down. Starting to like life the way it is, just will need help with the kids and running the home.
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