Second counseling session tomorrow
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
Second counseling session tomorrow
Last week, AH and I had our first marriage counseling session. This is on our family doctor's recommendation. Of course, not much counseling went on. Just a "get to know you, why are you here?" deal.
I'm not even sure this is still the right forum for me because I have come to the possible conclusion that his drinking is his business and that a majority of our issues come from his anger and inability to deal with stress other than by snapping at me sarcastically.
He is still drinking only the low-alcohol beer, and some days no beer at all. My problem with his drinking was the binge drinking where he would get staggering, slurring, sloppy, and then forget everything he did and said. He agrees that it was a problem, and that he doesn't want to be that person. I still worry about that person sneaking back in, so there is a trust issue on my part that the binge cycle won't start again. He told me that if we discover during counseling that we are just too different to be together, then so be it. He also says he understands my boundaries about the binging, and that if it happens again, we will go our separate ways.
Tomorrow, the counselor wants to split the session and speak to us individually. I really want to concentrate on how his sarcastic remarks make me feel like I am the reason for his stress when in reality he brings it on himself.
Sorry if I am in the wrong place now, but I really do feel comfortable in this forum with all of you.
I'm not even sure this is still the right forum for me because I have come to the possible conclusion that his drinking is his business and that a majority of our issues come from his anger and inability to deal with stress other than by snapping at me sarcastically.
He is still drinking only the low-alcohol beer, and some days no beer at all. My problem with his drinking was the binge drinking where he would get staggering, slurring, sloppy, and then forget everything he did and said. He agrees that it was a problem, and that he doesn't want to be that person. I still worry about that person sneaking back in, so there is a trust issue on my part that the binge cycle won't start again. He told me that if we discover during counseling that we are just too different to be together, then so be it. He also says he understands my boundaries about the binging, and that if it happens again, we will go our separate ways.
Tomorrow, the counselor wants to split the session and speak to us individually. I really want to concentrate on how his sarcastic remarks make me feel like I am the reason for his stress when in reality he brings it on himself.
Sorry if I am in the wrong place now, but I really do feel comfortable in this forum with all of you.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 61
Please stick around- I believe this forum is perfect for you. Separate sessions may not be an all together awful idea- I think it would be a good if you could focus on yourself right now, be strong and truelly seek what you need right now in order to be happy. I know, seems selfish, right? You are probably a giver and not used to taking care of your own needs and expecting common decency and respect. Sometimes we have the desperate need to feel heard, but that doesn't mean our alcoholic partner is ready to listen or able to do anything about it. Often, it just brings more frustration to try to get our point across in different ways. Think about yourself right now and what you need to do to take care of yourself and be healthy- It's really the best thing for both of you. oh, and his drinking is your business if it affects you.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 104
Stick with us! If I hadn't found this board, I wouldn't have mustered the courage to go to Al Anon. It sounds like you have a lot to work through, and I agree with Trilogy. Focus on helping get your own mind in the right place. I hear you on the trust issues. I knew in my gut that ABF would slip up and he always did, and lied to me about it. That was why I asked him to move out las week. He wants to change, but I don't think I can ever trust him again, and that's just too much stress for me to deserve in a relationship.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
Thank you!! All of you. The worry about him "slipping up" again is what keeps my stomach in knots. Not just the drinking, but also the angry sarcasm. He says he wants to be a happy person and he is trying to learn how to let the little things that bother him go.
I did tell him that he is a miserable person who doesn't like himself, so he can not expect others to like him. I think that we came to the point of needing counseling because I finally had enough of being an enabling door mat. I have stopped buying any alcohol for him, and I have let him know that I will not interact with him if he is drunk. I also got to the point of not caring anymore. I told him "do what you want as far as your drinking goes, just leave me and the kids out of it" I will continue to live my life as I have been; his behavior (not his empty promises) will determine if he will be a part of that life.
I read that a marriage is probably over when one of the partners becomes indifferent about what the other one does. This is the point I am at, but maybe with help, things can turn around. I will not issue ultimatums, but simply drift further away from him emotionally and eventually become completely detached. I think he saw that starting to happen, and realized I can and will do it if I find it necessary to remain true to myself.
I did tell him that he is a miserable person who doesn't like himself, so he can not expect others to like him. I think that we came to the point of needing counseling because I finally had enough of being an enabling door mat. I have stopped buying any alcohol for him, and I have let him know that I will not interact with him if he is drunk. I also got to the point of not caring anymore. I told him "do what you want as far as your drinking goes, just leave me and the kids out of it" I will continue to live my life as I have been; his behavior (not his empty promises) will determine if he will be a part of that life.
I read that a marriage is probably over when one of the partners becomes indifferent about what the other one does. This is the point I am at, but maybe with help, things can turn around. I will not issue ultimatums, but simply drift further away from him emotionally and eventually become completely detached. I think he saw that starting to happen, and realized I can and will do it if I find it necessary to remain true to myself.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
It's the anger that eats at me too. I have finally told RAH that he needs to own what he's bringing or not bringing into our relationship and I am done with couples counseling.
The last 6 sessions were somewhat productive although for the most part it consisted of RAH pushing everything we talked about to happen at the counselors and then he proceeded to let me and the counselor know that I was making him miserable with being negative all the time. He has very selective memory.
After RAH spent 1/2 hour alone with counselor when I left last session, he tried to push on me that we need to take reality checks in our communication. Gee, I wonder whose not facing reality.
Last I inquired what RAH is going to do, since I am no longer willing to share a life with someone who thinks I am so miserable to be with, he said he called to see if he could go to counseling to work on his intimacy issues.
So after over a year of RAH trying to abstain from drinking, 6 months of abstaining from drinking and a lot of quacking and 3 months of couples counseling which has helped me and made our relationship less of a battleground, I will continue to work my program and make my decisions each day and as I am ready.
((HUGS)) to you fa43. I really like what you said about behavior and not empty promises being part of your life. I actually respect my RAH more when he stops making those empty promises and shows me who he really is.
Keep working on you. It's amazing how much alcoholism affects everyone in the family.
Awareness, Acceptance, Action.
The last 6 sessions were somewhat productive although for the most part it consisted of RAH pushing everything we talked about to happen at the counselors and then he proceeded to let me and the counselor know that I was making him miserable with being negative all the time. He has very selective memory.
After RAH spent 1/2 hour alone with counselor when I left last session, he tried to push on me that we need to take reality checks in our communication. Gee, I wonder whose not facing reality.
Last I inquired what RAH is going to do, since I am no longer willing to share a life with someone who thinks I am so miserable to be with, he said he called to see if he could go to counseling to work on his intimacy issues.
So after over a year of RAH trying to abstain from drinking, 6 months of abstaining from drinking and a lot of quacking and 3 months of couples counseling which has helped me and made our relationship less of a battleground, I will continue to work my program and make my decisions each day and as I am ready.
((HUGS)) to you fa43. I really like what you said about behavior and not empty promises being part of your life. I actually respect my RAH more when he stops making those empty promises and shows me who he really is.
Keep working on you. It's amazing how much alcoholism affects everyone in the family.
Awareness, Acceptance, Action.
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