Analogy for Acceptance and Detachment
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Analogy for Acceptance and Detachment
So I'm driving to work and doing the speed limit, like I always do, and a woman in a giant SUV roars around me, like they always do, and I tried yelling out the window WE HAVE KIDS AND CATS IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD, SLOW DOWN.
She flipped me off. Of course.
Sure enough, a mile down the road and there she sat, pulled over by the local leo for driving like a lunatic.
That lady presumably learned in driver training that one must be aware of and obey the speed limit. She probably rationalized like crazy. I'm in a hurry. There are no cops around. Whatever. She made her choice and was delivered consequences.
My attempt to circumvent her suffering consequences failed. Do I feel guilty? No. Am I agonizing over her decision leading to her consequence? No. They're hers and hers alone. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel vindicated. I even called my local police station to thank them, as we have a real problem with maniacal drivers where I live.
I'm SO relieved that I no longer feel guilty for not being able to convince my AH to circumvent the law of natural consequences regarding his compulsion to continuously poison his body and our lives with alcohol. I also don't feel sad. IT'S HIS CHOICE.
When it's time for me and the boys to leave AH and move out or kick him out, I'll do it with the visual image of that lady sitting in her huge SUV glaring at me as I drove by. I even thought today that if he ends up in the hospital dying or in a jail cell (which is absolutely how this will end as alcoholism is a fatal disease and he'll either end up dead or institutionalized like his mother) I will be sad to see what's become of him, and very sad for our children, but for crying out loud. It's HIS CHOICE.
She flipped me off. Of course.
Sure enough, a mile down the road and there she sat, pulled over by the local leo for driving like a lunatic.
That lady presumably learned in driver training that one must be aware of and obey the speed limit. She probably rationalized like crazy. I'm in a hurry. There are no cops around. Whatever. She made her choice and was delivered consequences.
My attempt to circumvent her suffering consequences failed. Do I feel guilty? No. Am I agonizing over her decision leading to her consequence? No. They're hers and hers alone. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel vindicated. I even called my local police station to thank them, as we have a real problem with maniacal drivers where I live.
I'm SO relieved that I no longer feel guilty for not being able to convince my AH to circumvent the law of natural consequences regarding his compulsion to continuously poison his body and our lives with alcohol. I also don't feel sad. IT'S HIS CHOICE.
When it's time for me and the boys to leave AH and move out or kick him out, I'll do it with the visual image of that lady sitting in her huge SUV glaring at me as I drove by. I even thought today that if he ends up in the hospital dying or in a jail cell (which is absolutely how this will end as alcoholism is a fatal disease and he'll either end up dead or institutionalized like his mother) I will be sad to see what's become of him, and very sad for our children, but for crying out loud. It's HIS CHOICE.
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Love that metaphor!
Another thought that helped me was when a friend of mine said, "If anybody else in the universe did what he just did to you -- what would you do?"
I didn't even hesitate a second before saying, "Call the cops. 911. Immediately."
Learning to look at AXH's behavior toward me in that light -- what would I do if someone else did this to me? -- separated from all the messy feelings about how sorry I felt for him, that really helped me detach. (That was also when I added LTD's quote to my sig below.)
Another thought that helped me was when a friend of mine said, "If anybody else in the universe did what he just did to you -- what would you do?"
I didn't even hesitate a second before saying, "Call the cops. 911. Immediately."
Learning to look at AXH's behavior toward me in that light -- what would I do if someone else did this to me? -- separated from all the messy feelings about how sorry I felt for him, that really helped me detach. (That was also when I added LTD's quote to my sig below.)
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