Help with grief
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Help with grief
Anyone have any tips on how to deal with the grief of leaving an A?
I can split the feelings into two areas - one is me still worrying about him and what will happen as a consquence of his drinking, most recently a DUI related charge. The other is just completely bereft at us no longer being together, being sad at missing him.
The first area, I know I need to let go - it's not my responsibility, it never was. Before I go to sleep, I visualise putting him in a balloon and cutting off the tie so he floats up away from me and hopefully to some HP looking over him. i've done what I can to help him but it is now up to him.
But the second, the grief, i've never felt anything like it. I'm going to counselling, I'm keeping busy but I just don't feel like i'm making progress. I just cry every day. The only time I don't is when I'm at work or doing DIY (lol) but there is only so much I can do...! I'm not wavering in my decision - I know I don't want to be with him while he drinks and doesn't get help. I've got a list of all the benefits of me ending it and all the negatives of us staying together and that helped at the beginning when I was trying to come to terms with the decision but more recently it's just this overwhelming sadness. I don't have a list of mean things he said to me as thankfully he was not verbally abusive, or hadn't reached that stage anyway. But that makes it harder. All I think is how sad and what a waste.
I'm sure they are both related in that if I can find a way to worry less, maybe the tears won't be as bad but I just feel stuck. Maybe i'm being impatient - if you really love someone, you don't get over it overnight but I would appreciate any suggestions anyone else has found helpful.
I can split the feelings into two areas - one is me still worrying about him and what will happen as a consquence of his drinking, most recently a DUI related charge. The other is just completely bereft at us no longer being together, being sad at missing him.
The first area, I know I need to let go - it's not my responsibility, it never was. Before I go to sleep, I visualise putting him in a balloon and cutting off the tie so he floats up away from me and hopefully to some HP looking over him. i've done what I can to help him but it is now up to him.
But the second, the grief, i've never felt anything like it. I'm going to counselling, I'm keeping busy but I just don't feel like i'm making progress. I just cry every day. The only time I don't is when I'm at work or doing DIY (lol) but there is only so much I can do...! I'm not wavering in my decision - I know I don't want to be with him while he drinks and doesn't get help. I've got a list of all the benefits of me ending it and all the negatives of us staying together and that helped at the beginning when I was trying to come to terms with the decision but more recently it's just this overwhelming sadness. I don't have a list of mean things he said to me as thankfully he was not verbally abusive, or hadn't reached that stage anyway. But that makes it harder. All I think is how sad and what a waste.
I'm sure they are both related in that if I can find a way to worry less, maybe the tears won't be as bad but I just feel stuck. Maybe i'm being impatient - if you really love someone, you don't get over it overnight but I would appreciate any suggestions anyone else has found helpful.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
(anon12))
it is like a death except for you don't get the same love, support and compassion that a widow does ~
Most of the time, you get the "let's take you out & find you someone else" treatment - ugh! A bar is the LAST place most of us want to be . . .
It does take time ~ i did a lot of journaling, grief work, etc. lots of self-care and just allowed my HP to help me heal ~
Hang in there ~ it does get better ~
PINK HUGS,
Rita
it is like a death except for you don't get the same love, support and compassion that a widow does ~
Most of the time, you get the "let's take you out & find you someone else" treatment - ugh! A bar is the LAST place most of us want to be . . .
It does take time ~ i did a lot of journaling, grief work, etc. lots of self-care and just allowed my HP to help me heal ~
Hang in there ~ it does get better ~
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: minnesota
Posts: 272
i wish i had some advice for you. by reading your post, it sounds like you have a handle on the situation, mentally. it seems like you are doing everything right. when someone figures out how we can apply what our brain says to what our heart feels . . . right? anyway, best wishes to you and time will be the factor here i think.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
It takes time. It is a real loss and requires real grief.
A big piece that I had to really consider was adjusting my dreams, the way I saw the future, the way I lived in the present. The loss of that vision I created was more difficult and painful, and felt more strongly, than the loss of the man and my marriage.
I probably stayed with my husband to long, he wasn't a bad person either, but when I finally disentangled and left I was quite sure that was what I wanted as an individual but the grief over the loss of that dream was immense.
I wanted, with every cell of my being and every breath of my soul that dream, that two parent family, that security, that promise of being able to stay home and raise my children, that partner that was really with me, a person to share my life with and create a certain kind of home/family for my children.
That is not what I had but the death of that dream resulted in grief just as real.
I did a lot of reading and thinking about how to live in the moment, making that the best place to be. I still have some trouble with that and get sad about it at times but I keep working on it.
ETA: Kind of like the loss of the marriage opened doors for me. Personal freedom, relief, peace at last, a balance of my values etc. The loss of that vision/dream was more like closing a door. Hope (of getting that) was gone. The end.
It was just a picture in my head though. Not a real life. Real happiness comes from the moments of a day, the reality, not a place in my head. It took awhile for me to really get that. I don't have to work/plan/force/manipulate a happy life. I just have to live it and be present in it.
A big piece that I had to really consider was adjusting my dreams, the way I saw the future, the way I lived in the present. The loss of that vision I created was more difficult and painful, and felt more strongly, than the loss of the man and my marriage.
I probably stayed with my husband to long, he wasn't a bad person either, but when I finally disentangled and left I was quite sure that was what I wanted as an individual but the grief over the loss of that dream was immense.
I wanted, with every cell of my being and every breath of my soul that dream, that two parent family, that security, that promise of being able to stay home and raise my children, that partner that was really with me, a person to share my life with and create a certain kind of home/family for my children.
That is not what I had but the death of that dream resulted in grief just as real.
I did a lot of reading and thinking about how to live in the moment, making that the best place to be. I still have some trouble with that and get sad about it at times but I keep working on it.
ETA: Kind of like the loss of the marriage opened doors for me. Personal freedom, relief, peace at last, a balance of my values etc. The loss of that vision/dream was more like closing a door. Hope (of getting that) was gone. The end.
It was just a picture in my head though. Not a real life. Real happiness comes from the moments of a day, the reality, not a place in my head. It took awhile for me to really get that. I don't have to work/plan/force/manipulate a happy life. I just have to live it and be present in it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I actually got a lot of help from learning about grief (in and out of addiction).
The Grief Recovery Handbook and resulting 13 week class has been helpful to many I know (I am working part of the handbook now).
Just learning about the stages helped me let myself off the hook about time. That I was one month out and I should be done with it already for instance. This was not the case.
It also helped me to not worry when the emotions came back for another round (which they have done).
In addition to working my recovery there was the healing presence of time, and learning that it takes me my own time to heal from this. It was months before I was able to let go of the worry. Some of the other emotions have been easier for me to process.
The Grief Recovery Handbook and resulting 13 week class has been helpful to many I know (I am working part of the handbook now).
Just learning about the stages helped me let myself off the hook about time. That I was one month out and I should be done with it already for instance. This was not the case.
It also helped me to not worry when the emotions came back for another round (which they have done).
In addition to working my recovery there was the healing presence of time, and learning that it takes me my own time to heal from this. It was months before I was able to let go of the worry. Some of the other emotions have been easier for me to process.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It is a loss, even if it is the best thing to do. I agree with LifeRecovery, learning the stages of grief will help you. Just Google "5 stages of grief" and that will explain what you are going through and advise you on how to deal with it. It is just like a death. I am going through the same thing and have spent the last 3 weeks panicking, crying, sobbing, you name it. The best thing I have done is try to talk about my feelings and what has happened, with others. I have one friend who I talk to about this that, every time I talk to her, I feel much better. For some reason, talking to her helps me to get mad instead of sad.
I also look within myself for what I need to improve, like my codependency issues and my abandonment issues. Learn something from your breakup; learn something about yourself and keep an open mind. Yes, he is the alcoholic and it is easy to blame his decisions and his behaviors for the break up. But you are 50% of the equation and it never hurts to work on you. (((hugs))) Anon12, I am right there with you.
I also look within myself for what I need to improve, like my codependency issues and my abandonment issues. Learn something from your breakup; learn something about yourself and keep an open mind. Yes, he is the alcoholic and it is easy to blame his decisions and his behaviors for the break up. But you are 50% of the equation and it never hurts to work on you. (((hugs))) Anon12, I am right there with you.
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