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Finding Your Way Out Through Your HP and Boundaries...my story (loooooong)



Finding Your Way Out Through Your HP and Boundaries...my story (loooooong)

Old 06-25-2012, 07:31 AM
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Finding Your Way Out Through Your HP and Boundaries...my story (loooooong)

First I would like to put a link to this thread started by Learn2Live on Boundaries as it was the catalyst to my starting a thread that is related to that topic but really needs a thread of its own as well.

Within that thread were many woman who are struggling with their covenant of marriage vows before God and feeling that as Christians they must stay and hope for the best. Here is the link to that thread:


Sorting out what our HP would want us to do when their often well meaning individuals in positions of influence in the church, family or community that do not understand addiction and wrongly apply scriptures without taking in the context of the whole of what God has taught us throughout the entire Bible.

Disclaimer: I am aware that many who read these threads are not necessarily of the Christian faith (of which there is over 35,000 denominations that each believe that they personally have the corner on the truth ) What I mean is that there can be a lot of divergent opinion on many topics on life and faith and the last thing I want this thread to become is a debate between believers on this topic although I personally welcome a discussion through private messaging.

This thread is MY STORY of my personal search for what my HP (Jesus C.) was leading me to do in my own life and my own committed relationship with my XA and my personal struggle with the reality of the extreme pain of living with and loving an alcoholic who also was a Christian.

There is great wisdom in what I learned about myself, my XA and my HP... universal spiritual laws and cosmic wisdom which I personally attribute to God. Each of us is on a personal journey of spiritual discovery... at 21 I called myself an atheist and after 2 years of seeking answers I became a believer in Yeshua Messiah of scripture. I have continued to study and what I believed then has changed considerably in the decades since.

We only know what we know and we do not know what we do not know. I know very little and am not arrogant in what I do know. I do know addiction. I know the pain of loving an alcoholic and loving God and the alcoholic completely manipulating my faith to keep my in bondage to a relationship where I was the suffering partner. It took four years for me to finally come to a place where I completely understood that God never intended for me to
save" my alcoholic partner (my messiah complex) and that throughout scripture God was always proactive when those he loved were in destructive patterns of behavior (sin).

God is boundary setting God and when Israel (who he always likened as his bride and his relationship to her as a marriage covenant) would rebel and fall into idol worship and sin he seperated himself from her and she would bear the conseqences of her choices.

BUT... he always made a way of redemption and restoration WHEN Israel repented (made a complete change of direction in behavior).

This is a boundary. When I fully accpeted that God wanted me to set boundaries and not tolerate unacceptable behavior and that it was right for me to seperate myself from the offending spouse I became empowered.

The guilt ended. I communicated clearly to my XA that I would no longer tolerate alcohol whatsover in MY LIFE. He could choose to drink but he would have to leave and our relationship would be over. He had been in active recovery but would become complacent and I believe wanted to drink so badly he would set the stage for his binges knowing he had me and others "trained" to put up with the alcoholic cycles of binging, remorse, abstinence, binging etc...

Christian codies are especially sensitive to this type of manipulation of our A's who even will try to get people in the church to encourage to "stick with our marriages" when in reality that is not necessarily what God wants us to do.

In my case I had a very good psychologist who was also a retired pastor and through my walking through my relationship in what I believed was a biblical response I clearly communicated what it would take to restore my relationship and my XA failed to do it... repeatedly.

A book I found very helpful was REDEMPTIVE DIVORCE (you can google it and find the book on Amazon as well as some video interviews with the author).

This is a good book for counselors, attorneys, pastors and Christians who are suffering with spouses that are in destructive patterns of behavior such as abuse or addiction.

While I hadn't married my XA with the state being a party I had made a vow before God with him which was more important to me than any civil contract. In my setting my boundaries with him I made it clear that his refusal to "do whatever it takes" to deal with his repeated sin of active alcoholism would result in our "divorce".

When I saw him building up to use (BUD) I didn't nag or drag him to meetings (normal behavior in years past) I simply reminded him that I had created immovable boundaries that MY LIFE was alcohol free and should he fail to do "whatever it takes" to remain alcohol free would end our relationship.

I kept coming here DAILY, went to Alanon, counseling and kept offering to go to meetings with him if he so choose. He did not.

He picked up a drink. I found out. I packed his bags. He got a plane to Vegas and spent 3 full months drinking and gambling. I prayed for him that God would deal with him and send someone who could help him since I obviously could not and had not been able to in four years.

Meanwhile the XA was constantly blowing up my phone and I remained NC for the first time in 4 years. I changed the ringtone to a duck quacking. It helped.

I lived on this website. It helped. The phone quacked constantly. I did not pick up. He left insane drunken messages. I saved them and played them when I felt weak.

I prayed that God was dealing with him.

I got a message one day after 3 months from him. He said he could not believe it but "Jesus had picked him up on a Greyhound bus and prayed with him!".

I thought he was drunk and hallucinating.

3 weeks later I got a call from "Jesus" who turned out to be an actor who plays Jesus in films and who my XA and I had actually met in a city 50 miles from our home town 2 years before. He had been in Vegas for the first time a few weeks before and my XA had recocnized him and he had prayed for him and offered to help him when he was ready and gave the XA a phone number.

To make a VERY LONG story short... a few weeks later the XA contacted "Jesus' and got a bus ticket to LA and then to another city and currently he is in a long term Christ centered rehab and has communicated that he is going to finish the program and feels called to ministry.

A few years ago I would been on a plane "rescuing" him when he called and asked me to. A few years ago I would have been on a plane to this ministry where he is (I have books by the founders who are amazing world changers) and would have fallen right into being his enabler.

Instead I have told him that I believe God has released me from the relationship and not to call me. If he completes and is alcohol free in ONE YEAR I said I would allow contact. He is praying for a miracle and restoration and I am FREE... no anxiety. no fretting. no worries.

Now...some may say it was all a coincidence that the "Jesus" we had prayed with years before happened to be on a bus in a city 2500 miles away at the same point in space, time and history and that same "Jesus" took his call and got him in ministry 2800 miles away from his home town and me but I am inclined to think that God was sending ME a message.

God had my XA all the time. I never was the savior. I never was my XA's messiah. I actually crippled him and his recovery. I set him up to fail with my constant helicoptering and putting out his fires and managing his life. My excuse that God wouldn't want me to abandon him in his addiction was in reality making his sin acceptible...his unacceptable behavior acceptible.

In looking back with my "new pair of glasses" I see this now very clearly. I believe my HP set the stars in the sky and knows them by name and created my XA in the womb and knows the hairs on his head... but only I could save him and that God NEEDED ME TO DO THAT???? How silly is that when I really think about that now?

So... here is the rest of my story. I am an ACOA and survived a horribly abusive alcohol soaked childhood. Enough about that. I am attracted to men like my XA like moths to a bright flame... completely addicted to broken alcoholic men and am a furious workaholic.

Through my experience with my XA I got BACK into serious counseling with my pastor/psychologist as well as alanon and this website. He may not have gotten a handle on his issues but I started dealing with mine in a very serious manner.

When we were going to move to either my second home in Sarasota or a huge golf community known for its lifestyle we ended going where he wanted as he is total golf nut. Within ten days of moving to HIS DREAM HOUSE and lifestyle HE RELAPSED and I had rented out my house at the beach (where I like to live).

So... l defiantly learned how to play golf and I LOVE IT! I have made dozens of new friends and my social calendar is so full I cannot do eveything I want to do! My workaholism of 4 decades seems to be in full remission... I am having a blast! We go out to eat, dancing is almost an everyday thing here...what fun!

And for years I have been involved with community projects involving the "least of these" the poor and marginalized. Recently one of the projects I had worked on 5 years ago that didn't come to pass is a very real possibility. I am working on that as well as my enjoying life for probably the very first time.

Balance. Livng a life of meaning and purpose and complete and utter joy. Loving God and life and TRUSTING him with those we love. I could not help him although I almost destroyed myself trying. When I GAVE UP and truly, truly turned it over to God and CLOSED THE DOOR on the A and he could no longer manipulate and use me he HAD TO SOLVE HIS OWN PROBLEMS.

I hope this helps someone... and if anyone wants to talk privately I am available by PM. We keep what we give away and trust me ....YOU WANT WHAT I HAVE FOUND!!!!!

It can happen. You can find your way out. There is happiness and peace and FUN and your HP wants you to enjoy life. There are even a bunch of men out there... I don't want them but I am vetting them for my girlfriends!

Hang in there and trust your HP with your A. Take care of YOU. Your HP loves YOU! Google redemptive divorce and watch the video. Good stuff. It works.
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Old 06-25-2012, 08:16 AM
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You rock!!!!!
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Old 06-25-2012, 08:37 AM
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Originally Posted by jayjay1882 View Post
You rock!!!!!
Honestly I don't feel like I "rock or rocked" back then... I think I was more in the way but I forgive myself because I didn't know what I didn't know.

I was suffering terribly and my life was a prison of alcoholism and codependency of the worst sort. I was a hot mess and so was he.

However... I am absolutely rocking now! Thanks to my HP.

Thanks to this website and its amazing, amazing men and women who share incredible stories of pain, insight, wisdom and recovery.

Thanks to Alanon and the incredible freedom that working the steps brings.

Thanks to the authors who have written great books about the subject. Knowledge is power.

And time is a healer. More will be revealed. We gain wisdom and frankly we just finally get...

Enough. enough pain. enough shattered dreams. enough anxiety. enough tears.

And we find the courage through the stories of others. The community of empathy we find on this website and alanon.

And when we know it is time we make the hard choices whatever they may be for us to set the boundaries we know we NEED to make and KEEP.

So lets all agree to "ROCK"!!!! One day at a time. Baby steps turn into running. Mourning turns to dancing!

It happens. It can happen to you. It will happen to you if you set your heart on it and work your individual recoveries whatever path that it is for YOU...

Love to you all.

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Old 06-25-2012, 08:46 AM
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Hi Hopeworks, I just wanted to thank you for sharing all that! I, too, am a Christian woman who found that I had wrong 'ideals' about what it means to be a Christian wife. My AH was dry for 15 years but he was verbally abusive and had problems with rage through that time. After a day of him ranting and raving about how awful his life was, how the world was against him, how his company is out to take advantage of him, I would have s*x with him to give him a release. It wasn't for me, why would I want to have s*x with a raving lunatic? He was crazy and I would give myself to him to make HIM feel better. The whole thing got so messed up over the years and it became almost like a reward for bad behavior, if that makes sense. I was hardly ever attracted to the man because he was so sour in his attitudes and how he viewed the world that he took away from the beauty that I saw in what God created. It was heartbreaking and I told him years ago that I felt that he ripped out my soul and stomped on it.

Then I got into Al Anon and I started reading books, lots of books, LOL! And, I learned that he didn't rip out my soul. I LET HIM rip out my soul. I never stood up for myself, never asked for what I needed, never withheld s*x to protect my inner sanctum that was hurting and feeling betrayed, and now I realize that I am responsible for me. I'm not responsible for him.

I was always so confused in my marriage. AH and I started going to church before we got married. He had quit drinking and I thought we were on a bright new start, I was 25 and he was 28. I thought that God and the relationships we were developing in church were going to change him, bring him the peace that seemed to be missing from his life, lift his depression, enlighten him to what God can provide for all of us, etc. I prayed for years but I soon realized that it was a sham. My AH may believe in God, I know he prays, but I truly don't believe he's ever submitted his will to God. I don't believe that he had died to self and really given himself over to Jesus. We would be in our small group meetings and he'd be going off about blacks(he's a total racist), or he'd be challenging a principle that was brought up in conversation and he'd get into heated arguments with the other folks. One day, a good friend of ours pulled me aside and said, "You know, I think your husband is a Pharisee!" Hmm, yep, I can totally see that. He knows Scripture inside and out and he can pull out verses and say them to YOU and he sounds all important and all knowing but when it comes to applying it to his own life, it's not gonna happen.

Then the drinking started and I did what you did, tried to play God. I had a great conversation with my sponsor last night about really working at being in Higher Power's will and about releasing ourselves from our own will. She's been in Al Anon for 20 years and I get so much enlightenment from her and I'm so grateful for the program and for the friends I have made here at SR and through Al Anon. If it wasn't for those things, I'd still be arguing with my AH today about why he's driving on a suspended license, LOL!
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Old 06-25-2012, 08:58 AM
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he was verbally abusive and had problems with rage through that time...ranting and raving about how awful his life was, how the world was against him, how his company is out to take advantage of him...a raving lunatic...so sour in his attitudes and how he viewed the world...he's a total racist...he'd get into heated arguments with the other folks
I am no psychiatrist but this guy has more issues than just alcoholism and immorality. There is something deeper at play here that you have been married to.
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Old 06-25-2012, 09:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
I am no psychiatrist but this guy has more issues than just alcoholism and immorality. There is something deeper at play here that you have been married to.
Yep! For years I thought he was maybe bipolar, then I thought it was something like antisocial personality disorder, then he sort of fits obsessive compulsive personality disorder, and possible paranoid as well, LOL! I'm serious, he has very evident traits of MANY personality disorders and he is constantly anxious and/or depressed. His anxiety would drive him into screaming fits about the neighbor's landscapers. They were taking too long to blow the yard so my AH ran out of the house, slammed the door, and had a 'talk' with the landscaper about how he should use a broom instead of a blower. He has serious noise anxiety and he gets red in the face and blows up about all kinds of 'noise', it creates serious inner restlessness for him and it's something that developed as he got older.

I am not going to hijack this thread any longer, I can always start another one about the many facets of this man's personality and behaviors.
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