choublak

How is it that some alcoholics hold off drinking during family get togethers such as holidays and vacations, and then after it's over and everyone has gone home, go on a huge binge? Is there a certain "let-down" factor that contributes to an increase in depression then? Or is it simply wanting to drink but not wanting the disapproval and criticism that comes with it? I would think it's more about wanting to drink but not wanting the disapproval and criticism, but doesn't the alcohol take control of the alcoholic to the point where he/she doesn't care about disapproval and criticism?

XXXXXXXXXX

Mine wouldn't drink in bars, not more than one or two. When we would go watch sports in bars with friends or with the local alumni group, he would drink like a "normie". He would stop on the way home if he didn't have beer at home and would drink once home and alone. It was always a mystery to me.

Trilogy

My AH always did this. I think it is not wanting the critism and disapproval, because he knew family was aware of his problem and a part of him wanted to keep the illusion of control up. I think there is an element of control to an extent, but then I know he would just hide his drinking before, after or even sneaking drinks alone during the family get togethers. He was very good at appearing sober even when he was not. Now that his alcoholism has progressed, he simply avoids healthy family members who are aware he is an alcoholic and doesn't even attend these functions.

choublak

See, I was under the relatively stupid impression that when an alcoholic enters a bar, he/she didn't leave until being almost too smashed to walk.

lillamy

That.
Mine was in his early 60s and would not drink when we visited his parents for holidays, even though they were in their 90s. He couldn't handle the disapproval. Of course, we'd get back to the hotel and he'd down a bottle of vodka before bedtime. Every night.

Thelma

My AH does this on a regular basis. If fam or friends are involved he maintains until they are no longer in the pic. He LOVES to tell his people how I've wronged him in so many ways and don't pull my weight financially at home. (although I clean the house, take care of the yard, work 2 jobs and help an elderly neighbor who is losing her eyesight every other Saturday clean her house and do her gardening). They love to prove us LIARS and make themselves out to be the victim. My answer to all the people who think he's such a good guy and I'm just a nagging wife....."Until you have walked a mile in my shoes with THAT man, you have no opinion where you have no business."

Thelma

And Trilogy, I can TOTALLY relate!!!!

Trilogy

I think it might be also a matter of how much they need to consume. It would cost much more to drink a case of beer in a bar than to buy a case and drink it at home. Also, a typical family function probably doesn't have a big enough supply for their needs. The hosts would probably buy the amount they would consider enough for everyone invited, but the alcoholic could probably consume that amount all on his(or her) own. And yes, Thelma I agree they are masters at deception and keeping up appearances.

choublak

What if there are several recovering alcoholics in the family...would they most likely be on to the active alcoholic?

Trilogy

I'm not sure if he could fool them, too. I would think they would be on to him but I don't know. My situation is that my family is totally oblivious to this disease. If I mention anything about my husband's alcoholism, they probably think I'm blowing it out of proportion. So I tend to not even mention it. That's why this forum has been so valuable to me- I have found the only place in my life where there is true understanding about all of this. My husband is charming and seemingly normal to my family. They have absolutely no idea of the lies and deception I put up with behind the scenes. It is a very lonely place to be. I have recently moved out of the shared bedroom and am working on establishing a separate life; still, I'm sure we seem like a normal couple from the outside, even to my close family.

FireSprite

For my AH it was all done in an effort to completely hide his addiction & hide IN his addiction. He could manage 'responsible drinking' (or at least what passed as responsible when you are unaware) during social events like that (or even just with me on a date night) and then wait until he was alone before really letting loose.

Toward the very end though, he lost his grip on that control because (in my opinion at least) he wasn't understanding how much of that control was his & how much was the addiction beast inside of him. A couple of months before he came clean & joined AA his control was snapping & incidents were piling up. I was starting to get a better idea but I was still so clueless because he spent so much time creating smoke & mirrors to divert my attention.

Now I also realize he probably was drinking more than I thought at almost any given time so there's no telling how long/how much he'd been drinking all around. For him it was a motivator to get help because he was so mortified at exposing himself. I have no idea how long it would have continued if he'd been able to keep it secret, but luckily he outed himself.

wow04

I am a recovering addict/alcoholic. My brother was in recovery for a while, but relapsed. My mom has been in Alanon for over 20 years. Her rule is no alcohol or drugs in her house. When I was using I didn't drink or anything at her house, my brother does the same now. My brother doesn't stay very long, but long enough to eat and social for a little while.

I think it depends on the expectations of the family.

angrywife

Mine only did it because I begged him not to drink. It worked until his alcoholism got worse and he just couldn't hold out anymore.