For girls with alcoholic boyfriend!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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For girls with alcoholic boyfriend!
I am new here, have read tons of blogs before I actually registered and start posting.
Just want to write down something to keep myself reminded:
1) Thoroughly study alcoholism, and decide if alcoholism is a deal breaker in my relationship, which aims towards marriage!
2) Since I am already involved in a relationship with an alcoholic, it's time to play some tough love for him and myself. Nobody is a baby!!! Stand up and fight the immature emotions!
3) If he doesn't understand and respect the new boundary that I/we set, then we are not on the same page anyway. No common value about life. The relationship wouldn't last long turn anyway. Move on!
4) If he doesn't sincerely accept the mutual boundary and turns around looking for another enabler+girlfriend, then he is not ready for sobriety anyway! Better off without him. Move on!
5) He is a grown man, and WILL SURVIVE without me taking care of him and help him detox! If he is a ture man and really feel sorry for the loss of his life, he will struggle and stand up again and FIGHT, although he may fall down from time to time! I am not looking for a sick street dog, I am looking for a real man for husband!
6) I don't have to feel self-pity either! Make up my mind and follow through with actions.
7) If he does turely work on his sobiety, fine! I will talk to him with respect, love and kindness. If he doesn't, fine! We never mean to be together anyway. Walk away with head up!
Any further suggestion? Also would love to hear what male alcoholic friends say? Best luck to everyone!
Just want to write down something to keep myself reminded:
1) Thoroughly study alcoholism, and decide if alcoholism is a deal breaker in my relationship, which aims towards marriage!
2) Since I am already involved in a relationship with an alcoholic, it's time to play some tough love for him and myself. Nobody is a baby!!! Stand up and fight the immature emotions!
3) If he doesn't understand and respect the new boundary that I/we set, then we are not on the same page anyway. No common value about life. The relationship wouldn't last long turn anyway. Move on!
4) If he doesn't sincerely accept the mutual boundary and turns around looking for another enabler+girlfriend, then he is not ready for sobriety anyway! Better off without him. Move on!
5) He is a grown man, and WILL SURVIVE without me taking care of him and help him detox! If he is a ture man and really feel sorry for the loss of his life, he will struggle and stand up again and FIGHT, although he may fall down from time to time! I am not looking for a sick street dog, I am looking for a real man for husband!
6) I don't have to feel self-pity either! Make up my mind and follow through with actions.
7) If he does turely work on his sobiety, fine! I will talk to him with respect, love and kindness. If he doesn't, fine! We never mean to be together anyway. Walk away with head up!
Any further suggestion? Also would love to hear what male alcoholic friends say? Best luck to everyone!
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
My suggestion: DON'T DON'T DON'T get pregnant while he is actively drinking/using.
If you think things are bad now, having a kid in the picture will make it a lot more difficult and more complicated.
If you think things are bad now, having a kid in the picture will make it a lot more difficult and more complicated.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
Dr. Phil, whom I admire, says there are "stages of readiness". You can google this. The addicted person quits when they work thru these stages. Basically denial, anger, acceptance, change or some variation of this. The boyfriend who quits because of the girlfriend happens to be at the stage of readiness for action. This is the point they are at with their addiction. If your boyfriend is not at this stage, it is not your fault. It is the point they are at for themself. We can only work on ourselves. If you are not being treating properly, you need to work on your situation. Best thoughts to you. Addiction is a sad way of life when not managed. I am sober and happy. But only because I decided to get sober.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 10
Thanks for your suggestions (@kudzujean & @pinkdog)! I have been with my boyfriend for four months. As time goes by, I learned more and more about alcoholism, from knowing nothing about it. I attend AA meetings and Al-anon meetings. Marriage is just so important and serious a decision for me, and I also want to be a responsible parent if I was going to have kids, which means a healthy, strong and stable family environment for them.
In the four months we were together, he relapsed six or seven times. The longest interval between relapses was when he was in rehab and a sober facility after that, which was 50-day soberity. Everytime after his relapsed, he would cry with guilt, fear, disappointment, depression, desperation.... just all kinds negative emotions in the world, and then start program like AA all over again.
I know it sounds familiar to everybody on this forum. I know I just need to make up my mind and stick to my choice. If I choose to stay with him, I want to be as supportive and loving as I can be; if I decide to leave, then bare the pain, be strong and move on. No matter what decision I make, I still want to be his encouragement source, if he needs any. I hope he has a good and healthy life with all my heart. I don't care he's with me or not, but just wish him the best.
I am a very positive girl, still in my mid-twenties. I am from another country, pursuing my graduate education in the US. I know I have a bright future ahead of me. I don't want to become a miserable and bitter person as I age. So I am actually grateful for the experience with my ABF. I feel that I have learned and matured a lot during the time.
I value my time with him. We had good time between his relapses. At the same time, I don't want to be blinded by love and passion. I guess maybe he is not genuinly ready for quit yet. So I'd better just take care of my own business and look ahead, right? Any thoughts and encouragement?
In the four months we were together, he relapsed six or seven times. The longest interval between relapses was when he was in rehab and a sober facility after that, which was 50-day soberity. Everytime after his relapsed, he would cry with guilt, fear, disappointment, depression, desperation.... just all kinds negative emotions in the world, and then start program like AA all over again.
I know it sounds familiar to everybody on this forum. I know I just need to make up my mind and stick to my choice. If I choose to stay with him, I want to be as supportive and loving as I can be; if I decide to leave, then bare the pain, be strong and move on. No matter what decision I make, I still want to be his encouragement source, if he needs any. I hope he has a good and healthy life with all my heart. I don't care he's with me or not, but just wish him the best.
I am a very positive girl, still in my mid-twenties. I am from another country, pursuing my graduate education in the US. I know I have a bright future ahead of me. I don't want to become a miserable and bitter person as I age. So I am actually grateful for the experience with my ABF. I feel that I have learned and matured a lot during the time.
I value my time with him. We had good time between his relapses. At the same time, I don't want to be blinded by love and passion. I guess maybe he is not genuinly ready for quit yet. So I'd better just take care of my own business and look ahead, right? Any thoughts and encouragement?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Thanks again @Pinkdog! I found the "four stages of readiness" is extremely helpful! And I want to share it here.
1. Compelled by authority.
2. Compliance to escape criticism.
3. Intellectual awareness of the need to change is when you know you should but remain stuck in excuse mode.
4. Mentally and emotionally self-motivated to proceed with the necessary change which means you are doing this for yourself and possess the drive to do so.
I just wish struggles of alcoholism and stustance addiction could go away like magic. But it just won't.
Fight!!! Never give in, if your choice is soberiety!
1. Compelled by authority.
2. Compliance to escape criticism.
3. Intellectual awareness of the need to change is when you know you should but remain stuck in excuse mode.
4. Mentally and emotionally self-motivated to proceed with the necessary change which means you are doing this for yourself and possess the drive to do so.
I just wish struggles of alcoholism and stustance addiction could go away like magic. But it just won't.
Fight!!! Never give in, if your choice is soberiety!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 10
@anvilhead, thank you! You are so right!
Just one thing, when I enter a relationship, my intention has always been to see if there is a potential for marriage. Maybe this is not a mature mindset. Anyways... thank you for math, it opened my eyes.
Just one thing, when I enter a relationship, my intention has always been to see if there is a potential for marriage. Maybe this is not a mature mindset. Anyways... thank you for math, it opened my eyes.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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New self-reflection
I have been reading Al-anon literature, but never really understood the line "not to be an enabler is not only for the true help towards the alcoholic in our lives, but most importantly is to regain our own sainity."
This afternoon, I suddenly realized my own defects. I am actually a super care-giver, trying to be a strong girl ALL THE TIME. Maybe I was trying to prove that my ABF's life will be better, because of me being in the picture. I was trying to manage his life for him, and therefore control both of our lives. Acoholics are actually pretty weak at times, so I guess I was flattered by the attention and acted like the super mom in the relationship.
Oh I feel terrible after I realized this!!! There is a fine line between truly help people and showing off one's superior over the person that's asking for help. I feel that I am so selfish by acting like that. I was so wrong, and feel so bad towards my ABF. Sorry baby! I am so sorry...
I hope I haven't gone too far in being sick like this. I remember when he was sober, strong, loving and caring, I actually really enjoy his contributions to the relationship. I loved seeing him being active, live and hardworking in those days, when he took care of me a lot.
It is human nature though, in a relationship, the female is usually care-giver, and it's ok for the male acting like a big boy sometimes. But anything goes to the extreme will become sick! Remember that originally, males are supposed to fulfill the role of being the hunter, while females being the gatherer. Of course, this has changed / and should be balanced in the modern times. But if my intention of being strong grows to the extent of being controling, then that's very problemetic.
So my relationship with my ABF has to end, for the sanity for both of us. I love him dearly with all my respect!
Let loose, let go!
Now I feel more peaceful.
This afternoon, I suddenly realized my own defects. I am actually a super care-giver, trying to be a strong girl ALL THE TIME. Maybe I was trying to prove that my ABF's life will be better, because of me being in the picture. I was trying to manage his life for him, and therefore control both of our lives. Acoholics are actually pretty weak at times, so I guess I was flattered by the attention and acted like the super mom in the relationship.
Oh I feel terrible after I realized this!!! There is a fine line between truly help people and showing off one's superior over the person that's asking for help. I feel that I am so selfish by acting like that. I was so wrong, and feel so bad towards my ABF. Sorry baby! I am so sorry...
I hope I haven't gone too far in being sick like this. I remember when he was sober, strong, loving and caring, I actually really enjoy his contributions to the relationship. I loved seeing him being active, live and hardworking in those days, when he took care of me a lot.
It is human nature though, in a relationship, the female is usually care-giver, and it's ok for the male acting like a big boy sometimes. But anything goes to the extreme will become sick! Remember that originally, males are supposed to fulfill the role of being the hunter, while females being the gatherer. Of course, this has changed / and should be balanced in the modern times. But if my intention of being strong grows to the extent of being controling, then that's very problemetic.
So my relationship with my ABF has to end, for the sanity for both of us. I love him dearly with all my respect!
Let loose, let go!
Now I feel more peaceful.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 104
ForLP, I echo a lot of things you said in this last post. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight. I had already been working through some self-help and coming to grps with my controlling nature. I had a wonderful talk with a friend recently who discovered she was the same...and stayed with her ABF for 9 years! There is great weight lifted when we realize this, but also a lot of work to do on ourselves. It's likely not going to happen with an ABF in the picture. I wish you strength in this journey of self-discovery.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: san antonio, TX
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by ForLP 
I have been reading Al-anon literature, but never really understood the line "not to be an enabler is not only for the true help towards the alcoholic in our lives, but most importantly is to regain our own sainity."
This afternoon, I suddenly realized my own defects. I am actually a super care-giver, trying to be a strong girl ALL THE TIME. Maybe I was trying to prove that my ABF's life will be better, because of me being in the picture. I was trying to manage his life for him, and therefore control both of our lives. Acoholics are actually pretty weak at times, so I guess I was flattered by the attention and acted like the super mom in the relationship.
Oh I feel terrible after I realized this!!! There is a fine line between truly help people and showing off one's superior over the person that's asking for help. I feel that I am so selfish by acting like that. I was so wrong, and feel so bad towards my ABF. Sorry baby! I am so sorry...
I hope I haven't gone too far in being sick like this. I remember when he was sober, strong, loving and caring, I actually really enjoy his contributions to the relationship. I loved seeing him being active, live and hardworking in those days, when he took care of me a lot.
It is human nature though, in a relationship, the female is usually care-giver, and it's ok for the male acting like a big boy sometimes. But anything goes to the extreme will become sick! Remember that originally, males are supposed to fulfill the role of being the hunter, while females being the gatherer. Of course, this has changed / and should be balanced in the modern times. But if my intention of being strong grows to the extent of being controling, then that's very problemetic.
So my relationship with my ABF has to end, for the sanity for both of us. I love him dearly with all my respect!
Let loose, let go!
Now I feel more peaceful.
This afternoon, I suddenly realized my own defects. I am actually a super care-giver, trying to be a strong girl ALL THE TIME. Maybe I was trying to prove that my ABF's life will be better, because of me being in the picture. I was trying to manage his life for him, and therefore control both of our lives. Acoholics are actually pretty weak at times, so I guess I was flattered by the attention and acted like the super mom in the relationship.
Oh I feel terrible after I realized this!!! There is a fine line between truly help people and showing off one's superior over the person that's asking for help. I feel that I am so selfish by acting like that. I was so wrong, and feel so bad towards my ABF. Sorry baby! I am so sorry...
I hope I haven't gone too far in being sick like this. I remember when he was sober, strong, loving and caring, I actually really enjoy his contributions to the relationship. I loved seeing him being active, live and hardworking in those days, when he took care of me a lot.
It is human nature though, in a relationship, the female is usually care-giver, and it's ok for the male acting like a big boy sometimes. But anything goes to the extreme will become sick! Remember that originally, males are supposed to fulfill the role of being the hunter, while females being the gatherer. Of course, this has changed / and should be balanced in the modern times. But if my intention of being strong grows to the extent of being controling, then that's very problemetic.
So my relationship with my ABF has to end, for the sanity for both of us. I love him dearly with all my respect!
Let loose, let go!
Now I feel more peaceful.
I ended my friendship/relationship with my ExABF yesterday, he's not allowed to come back but can contact me for verbal support, maybe even a walk every now and then to talk. I've been feeling the guilt as well after realizing all this time I was being the worst enabler that exhisted, I would care fo rhim when he cried his tears after relapsing, give him a warm meal, a warm bed, everything he needed, the biggest sin I allowed him to have one beer during dinner to smooth the edge off his anxiety. I thought I was helping him by showing him people in his life care about him so he should stop but as an alcoholic they dont see it that way. I will never forgive myself for enabling him but as I stated before I have kicked him out of my life until he's recovered fully even if thats years from now. Things are brighter now, I promise they will be for you too. I long to hold him still and make sure he's doing well but I have to beleive the nights I suck it up are the nights he's healing and getting closer to hitting rock bottom to where he will finally realize he's ready to be better. I think your making a good choice leaving your boyfriend. It's what's best for you, who knows what it may take for him to change. Thank You for sharing your story. P.S...I always think about my boyfriends being suitable husbands, why would I date them if I didn't intend to let them try out for the biggest role of my life?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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@Bluebonnet1 and @holdingontight
Thank you for your warm and kind words! Stay strong, girls! I am going through a lot of emotional ups and downs these days. I know things will become easier as time goes by.
Best luck to everyone in the similar dilemma and struggle!
Thank you for your warm and kind words! Stay strong, girls! I am going through a lot of emotional ups and downs these days. I know things will become easier as time goes by.
Best luck to everyone in the similar dilemma and struggle!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Now, I have a new question.
Definitely, I don't want to be an enabler any more, but I don't want to be too harsh, cold, cruel person towards my XABF either. I still want him to know that I love him, encourage him and support him.
We don't share any monetary or material responsiblity, so there's no problem of not to offer him any financial aid or shelter, things like that. But now I become super self-conscious, wondering if I will enable him by saying this, or enable him by acting like that... Hope this makes sense to you.
I guess the core concept of not being an enabler is to focus on myself, right? And I know what I say will not make him drink or not drink... But I just don't know how to interact with him any more. XABF definitely needs people to show him love and respect, but how should I show him love and respect? Or is there any poing of staying friends with him in the first place?
Definitely, I don't want to be an enabler any more, but I don't want to be too harsh, cold, cruel person towards my XABF either. I still want him to know that I love him, encourage him and support him.
We don't share any monetary or material responsiblity, so there's no problem of not to offer him any financial aid or shelter, things like that. But now I become super self-conscious, wondering if I will enable him by saying this, or enable him by acting like that... Hope this makes sense to you.
I guess the core concept of not being an enabler is to focus on myself, right? And I know what I say will not make him drink or not drink... But I just don't know how to interact with him any more. XABF definitely needs people to show him love and respect, but how should I show him love and respect? Or is there any poing of staying friends with him in the first place?
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 158
This is my 2 cents so take it for what it's worth:
I'm 24 and have been the alcoholic boyfriend with 2 girls (2+ year relationships). It didn't matter how much they tried to help me quit or how much they were there for me; I couldn't quit till I was ready. There is nothing you can do to help an addict quit until they are fully ready to quit themselves. Addicts can say they want to quit, but their actions and sobriety will show whether they really want it. From what you've presented, it doesn't seem like he is really 100% ready to quit.
At four months, you have very little invested. Move on and find another guy without issues. You're in school and meeting people shouldn't be too hard. I've watched my girlfriends deal with me and my alcoholism for too long. I never hurt them physically or emotionally, but they put up with a lot of stress in their lives that they shouldn't have. Don't be one of those girls. If he was the guy of your dreams you wouldn't be asking people on the internet to help with your relationship. At four months you should still be in the honeymoon phase.
Good Luck with your decision.
I'm 24 and have been the alcoholic boyfriend with 2 girls (2+ year relationships). It didn't matter how much they tried to help me quit or how much they were there for me; I couldn't quit till I was ready. There is nothing you can do to help an addict quit until they are fully ready to quit themselves. Addicts can say they want to quit, but their actions and sobriety will show whether they really want it. From what you've presented, it doesn't seem like he is really 100% ready to quit.
At four months, you have very little invested. Move on and find another guy without issues. You're in school and meeting people shouldn't be too hard. I've watched my girlfriends deal with me and my alcoholism for too long. I never hurt them physically or emotionally, but they put up with a lot of stress in their lives that they shouldn't have. Don't be one of those girls. If he was the guy of your dreams you wouldn't be asking people on the internet to help with your relationship. At four months you should still be in the honeymoon phase.
Good Luck with your decision.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: san antonio, TX
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by ForLP
Now, I have a new question.
Definitely, I don't want to be an enabler any more, but I don't want to be too harsh, cold, cruel person towards my XABF either. I still want him to know that I love him, encourage him and support him.
We don't share any monetary or material responsiblity, so there's no problem of not to offer him any financial aid or shelter, things like that. But now I become super self-conscious, wondering if I will enable him by saying this, or enable him by acting like that... Hope this makes sense to you.
I guess the core concept of not being an enabler is to focus on myself, right? And I know what I say will not make him drink or not drink... But I just don't know how to interact with him any more. XABF definitely needs people to show him love and respect, but how should I show him love and respect? Or is there any poing of staying friends with him in the first place?
Definitely, I don't want to be an enabler any more, but I don't want to be too harsh, cold, cruel person towards my XABF either. I still want him to know that I love him, encourage him and support him.
We don't share any monetary or material responsiblity, so there's no problem of not to offer him any financial aid or shelter, things like that. But now I become super self-conscious, wondering if I will enable him by saying this, or enable him by acting like that... Hope this makes sense to you.
I guess the core concept of not being an enabler is to focus on myself, right? And I know what I say will not make him drink or not drink... But I just don't know how to interact with him any more. XABF definitely needs people to show him love and respect, but how should I show him love and respect? Or is there any poing of staying friends with him in the first place?
I hope that helps LP, It's unbeleivably hard saying goodbye to someone you care about but we have to beleive it's for the best! and it will be!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 104
Wow, walktheline, thanks for sharing!! I asked ABF to move out a week ago, and he's been to a chem dep counselor and is going to a meeting tomorrow, but cmon, it's been a week! He's begging to come home and it's killing me. I've stopped answering the phone, and keeping it off most of the time, which I hate doing because my friends who know what is going on are worried if I don't answer. Probably will have to get a new #.
ForLP - read Codependent No More. I started and have had trouble putting it down. I have highlighted so many excerpts and symptoms on the iPad, it's crazy. I really didn't see anything wrong with me, but now I realize I have to address this issue before I can be in a healthy relationship. EVER.
ForLP - read Codependent No More. I started and have had trouble putting it down. I have highlighted so many excerpts and symptoms on the iPad, it's crazy. I really didn't see anything wrong with me, but now I realize I have to address this issue before I can be in a healthy relationship. EVER.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 2
My advice after being in a relationship with an alcoholic for the past two years is RUN RUN and keep on RUNNING. They will not change unless THEY want to. I have a one year old son with my ex and since I left in February my life has been so much better. He contributes absolutely nothing towards our son, sure he has more important things to worry about DRINK. Remember ladies you will NEVER come first for these guys. DRINK will always be FIRST. Not even our son came first for him. I could stay on here all day writing about all the nasty, cruel things he did, times I cried and all the chances I gave him. End of day you need to get your self-respect back. For those of you who have left, give yourselves a clap on the back. Life can only get better now. For those of you still there and thinking about going then I hope God gives you the strenght to get out. Being with an alcoholic was the most soul destroying and lonely time of my life. LADIES we deserve love and respect
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 2
Here's what helped me. I wrote a list of all the horrible things he did during our relationship on one side and then the other side I wrote all the nice things he did. The bad really outweighed the good. Everytime he would beg for yet another chance I look at that list and think NO WAY. Guess everyone has a breaking point. Mind was when he took our son to a bar and had him crawling around and then got he drunk and drove with him in car. I was at work thinking he was looking after our son. I realised that staying with him I would be putting my son in danger. That was it for me. Told him to leave that night and have never looked back. The day he puts your baby in danger is the day you get out. Everyday now I get nasty message after message saying I am a bad mother, blaming me for everything that is wrong in this life. Alcoholics blame everyone but themselves for their problems. I used to be his DOORMAT. Lets face it most of us who stay with these idiots are. They make you feel guilty for wanting to leave with their sob stories. I finally found my Spine. Even though he is gone I still feel guilty as I feel my son will hate me in years to come. Feel like I failed as I couldn't help him. Anyone else feel that way. I used to think of myself as weak for putting up with the **** I did but Ladies any of us who do this has to be STRONG. No one that is weak could tolerate being with an alcoholic
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Location: Niagara Region, Canada
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
time to stop thinking you know what he needs. That is his job to figure out and determine. never was your job to be the beacon of hope. Wish him well, and leave him where you found him.
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