For girls with alcoholic boyfriend!

Old 08-05-2012, 01:13 AM
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4 months is a short time - run like the wind and don't look back
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Old 08-08-2012, 05:09 PM
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Yes... it is painful

Originally Posted by Milly39 View Post
4 months is a short time - run like the wind and don't look back
I was with my alcoholic boyfriend for three years on and off. Last Saturday was a big step for me because I had a big wake up call on how he will never change unless he wants to. Of course I want to help and of course , I love him dearly and still do, but the reality of the matter he can only help himself. It is hard for me because I am a helper, but in reality I need to look out for myself and help myself to love, respect, value the real woman that I am worth. The vicious cycle kept me there in pain for three years. Hope is the last thing you give up and I held tight to it, but I couldn't keep doing that to myself. I realized that I was not happy and my heart was not in peace. Therefore, I am determined.

It is extremely hard and a constant roller coaster of emotions, but I know that at the end everything will be ok.

You have only been there for 4 months and yes, you have invested a lot in four months, but know that I have been in there for three years and the longer you stay, the more painful it is.

It takes DAY by DAY to do it. You can do it.
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Old 08-08-2012, 05:48 PM
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ForLP,
I don't mean to sound harsh but since you have only known this man for 4 months, I would seriously sever all ties and break up with him. This should be the honeymoon phase of your relationship where things are going well. You already see he has some serious problems. I know it is difficult, but you cannot make him change. I was with my AXBF for 3 years and I saw he had some signs of a drinking problem. I wish I had ended things a lot earlier, believe me it just gets worse the longer you hang in there.
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Old 08-08-2012, 05:51 PM
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Originally Posted by mv6348 View Post
I was with my alcoholic boyfriend for three years on and off. Last Saturday was a big step for me because I had a big wake up call on how he will never change unless he wants to. Of course I want to help and of course , I love him dearly and still do, but the reality of the matter he can only help himself. It is hard for me because I am a helper, but in reality I need to look out for myself and help myself to love, respect, value the real woman that I am worth. The vicious cycle kept me there in pain for three years. Hope is the last thing you give up and I held tight to it, but I couldn't keep doing that to myself. I realized that I was not happy and my heart was not in peace. Therefore, I am determined.

It is extremely hard and a constant roller coaster of emotions, but I know that at the end everything will be ok.

You have only been there for 4 months and yes, you have invested a lot in four months, but know that I have been in there for three years and the longer you stay, the more painful it is.

It takes DAY by DAY to do it. You can do it.
It sounds like we have been living in a parallel universe.... I had the same realization also, 3 years of a roller coaster of scary emotions & he will never change. My guy actually got worse instead of better. Somehow finally accepting he will never change has been the key to letting go...
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Old 08-08-2012, 06:02 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
XABF definitely needs people to show him love and respect, but how should I show him love and respect? Or is there any poing of staying friends with him in the first place?

screech, hit the brakes right there. time to STOP thinking YOU know what HE needs. that is HIS job to figure out and determine. never was YOUR job to be the Beacon of Hope. wish him well, and leave him where you found him.
This is hitting home quite hard today. Are you sure it isn't my job to be the beacon of hope? But I'm so good at it! Just kidding... WTF was I thinking?
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Old 08-09-2012, 02:17 PM
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And it is VERY VERY HARD!!!!

It is just a matter of support and TIME.

I once hear a quote that said Forgiving is not forgetting, it is simply letting go of the pain. I am currently in that process.
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Old 08-09-2012, 02:20 PM
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB View Post
It sounds like we have been living in a parallel universe.... I had the same realization also, 3 years of a roller coaster of scary emotions & he will never change. My guy actually got worse instead of better. Somehow finally accepting he will never change has been the key to letting go...


ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!

Letting go is extremely hard because you care and because you love. Duh! We are humans!

With time (and lots of patience) and support, everything heals.

Trust me, this is VERY hard. I haven't spoken to him for almost a week. The longest we have ever been. I go back and forth on many things, but bottom line, I can't do anything for him. He has to.

I just began this grieving process...This is just the beginning... How long was it for you?
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Old 08-09-2012, 02:35 PM
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Originally Posted by mv6348 View Post
ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!

Letting go is extremely hard because you care and because you love. Duh! We are humans!

With time (and lots of patience) and support, everything heals.

Trust me, this is VERY hard. I haven't spoken to him for almost a week. The longest we have ever been. I go back and forth on many things, but bottom line, I can't do anything for him. He has to.

I just began this grieving process...This is just the beginning... How long was it for you?
We have had NC for about a month now. Our breakup culminated in a HUGE fight where he was horrible to me and flew into a rage. After that I was so depressed and anxious I broke up with him over e-mail citing his lunatic drinking and the mood swings, but he couldn't resist the urge to stick the knife in one last final time. He wrote me a letter saying HE was leaving ME - along with a list of my character flaws!

In the past he always came groveling back asking for forgiveness, but so far I have been spared the theatrics. I think even he must realize I am totally done with it. *sigh*
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Old 08-09-2012, 04:25 PM
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB View Post
We have had NC for about a month now. Our breakup culminated in a HUGE fight where he was horrible to me and flew into a rage. After that I was so depressed and anxious I broke up with him over e-mail citing his lunatic drinking and the mood swings, but he couldn't resist the urge to stick the knife in one last final time. He wrote me a letter saying HE was leaving ME - along with a list of my character flaws!

In the past he always came groveling back asking for forgiveness, but so far I have been spared the theatrics. I think even he must realize I am totally done with it. *sigh*


Oh hon! I know it must be hard and I am so sorry. For me it has only beeing a week and it is so hard. Believe it or not IT IS ALSO our road to recovery. Distract yourself as much as you can. If you ever feel like you are in a point that you will negotiate and try to talk to him don't! Be strong. Remember we are currently soooo vulnerable.

I have faith that everything will be ok, but I am so desperate that I want it now. Eeekkk!

I am so glad I found this forum because even thou every case is VERY different, we all have something in common and that is the hurt and love that we experience with an addict. So every time I am down, I just read all of the messages and don't feel alone. You know?!
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Old 08-09-2012, 05:01 PM
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Originally Posted by mv6348 View Post
Oh hon! I know it must be hard and I am so sorry. For me it has only beeing a week and it is so hard. Believe it or not IT IS ALSO our road to recovery. Distract yourself as much as you can. If you ever feel like you are in a point that you will negotiate and try to talk to him don't! Be strong. Remember we are currently soooo vulnerable.

I have faith that everything will be ok, but I am so desperate that I want it now. Eeekkk!

I am so glad I found this forum because even thou every case is VERY different, we all have something in common and that is the hurt and love that we experience with an addict. So every time I am down, I just read all of the messages and don't feel alone. You know?!
Thanks... if you need any support feel free to PM me.

It still hurts a lot but I figure I will be better in a few months anyway.... trying to focus on my own stuff now and getting it together.

((hugs))
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Old 08-10-2012, 04:05 AM
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB View Post
Thanks... if you need any support feel free to PM me.

It still hurts a lot but I figure I will be better in a few months anyway.... trying to focus on my own stuff now and getting it together.

((hugs))
Will do!

Today I have a feeling it will be one of those days. I couldn't sleep last night and woke up thinking about him.

Breathing!!
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Old 08-10-2012, 11:18 AM
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Hi ForLP

Have you gone to therapy? if you were attracted to an active alcoholic, there is something very unhealthy going on with you. (I say this due to my own experience)

If you don't want to have this same person in a different body in your next relationship, you need to take a good look at you and what you think you deserve in life. (Many of these things are unconscious).


I left years ago and now I understand partners are meant to ease your life.

Let him go and go No contact.

No one deserves violence.

At this point I do not believe its healthy to stay friends with an ex. At least not an active alcoholic ex. And not immediately after a break up. It brings confusion.
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:10 PM
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Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Its the five stages of grief, I believe.
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Old 01-06-2013, 07:41 PM
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Mine had made it clear ...he doesn't want to quit.made
reference once... He was an alcoholic... Never thought I would hear the words. And many times he reminds me he won't live long. It deeply saddens my soul. Especially think no future... or hope. How can he love me ....
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Old 01-07-2013, 05:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Effected View Post
Mine had made it clear ...he doesn't want to quit.made
reference once... He was an alcoholic... Never thought I would hear the words. And many times he reminds me he won't live long. It deeply saddens my soul. Especially think no future... or hope. How can he love me ....
Sounds like he is consciously choosing a slow suicide.......
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Old 01-07-2013, 09:38 AM
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I've thought the same thing... It breaks my heart... Yet he still wants to be with me on the weekends... Stayed he doesn't want to be alone. yet... I am alone
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Old 09-14-2014, 09:19 PM
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3 months ago, I put the love of my life through hell. I picked up a drink and two weeks later found myself in treatment 3000 miles away. All I knew is that I wanted to stop putting her through this. I had progressed to the point where I had no other option. We were a few months away from moving and starting a new life together. Now I'm 90 days sober and she can't see me or talk to me and doesn't even want me to move back to NYC.
I don't blame her at all. I just pray that she can see me as a whole person and someday forgive me. I had everything any man could ever ask for in life, but alcohol had become my god and I let in destroy my mind. By demanding me to leave, I owe my life to her and now I'm alone with my sobriety. I'm a very young 39, partly due to my 20 year affair with booze. I've accomplished and ruined so much, and I know she will always be the example of what a beautiful human being is. She didn't know how long I'd been doing this to myself, in hindsight, neither did I.
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Old 09-15-2014, 12:02 AM
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SG75.... keep moving forward with your sobriety for nobody but yourself. Stay true to your first commitment, of being healthy of your mind and your body for yourself, as when that happens, life is going to fall into place and be more peaceful for you and all that love you.
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Old 09-15-2014, 01:05 AM
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Thanks ForLp for this! ''not to be an enabler is not only for the true help towards the alcoholic in our lives, but most importantly is to regain our own sanity''

My gosh the STRESS and worry and fear about the future , insomnia , anxiety and generally feeling of ''losing my mind'' I am STILL working on , they did studies and the HEALTH of that of the person involved in the alcoholics life was WORSE than the alcoholics!!!

I can SEE that now for myself , am feeling the affects of it every day now , I am the one in recovery , not my DD , and to the point of madness after just 6 months of involvement with her alcoholism and the harsh reality and CONSEQUENCES of it which both myself and my Grandson are still feeling! :-(
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Old 01-22-2016, 11:54 PM
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I hope this can help anyone who reads it...
I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for over 2 years. When we met I was a very naive, happy and free-spirited 22 year old. He only drank at social events, but always a little too much. I became the worst kind of enabler without ever knowing. I dragged him to safety too many times, I cared for him and dried his tears the next day when all the guilt set in while holding back my own. My feelings and my pain always took the backseat... and after 2 years of this I cannot even begin to put into words how broken I am. There were so many times I wanted to run away and never look back, but he threatened to hurt himself and I'd stay just to make sure he was safe. The next day he would do all he could to try and make it up to me. He eventually became verbally abusive and I finally drew the line when in one incident I feared for my life. When he was sober, we had amazing chemisty, he was sweet and loving, so funny and charismatic, smart and thoughtful... A complete 360 of who he became when alcohol was around. He blamed me for his drinking, blamed everyone and anything but himself. I offered him a way out time and time again... Counseling, AA... He chose not to change, not to fight... and even today as I walk away, I lay here almost every night and cry a little over the things I cannot change and the irrational guilt I feel.

Move on. You are strong. An alcoholic will not change until he wants to change. You are not helping him in any way by being kind or taking care of him. You are only showing him his behavior is okay. He has nothing to worry about because you will always be there... And little by little, you will start to become a shell of the person you once were. We cannot fix everyone and that is something we must accept. You can only control how you choose to live your life. My heart goes out to anyone going through this. Choose to love yourself.
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