WorkInProgress8

I know ive mentioned this topic before in previous posts but its really been itching at me this weekend, especially after yesterdays incident (see my post titled O/T wtf!!) I understand my XABF is sick with the disease of alcoholism which means hes a selfish jerk with 1 thing on his mind-alcohol- but hes still someones father. He wants to drink,party, have sex, do drugs, etc fine whatever but would it kill him to take 30 seconds to call & check on his child or a couple hours out of his week to spend time with him?! I just dont get it. He cant even spare SOME time for his own flesh and blood. It really f*ckin kills me especially since my son is starting to talk more: having to hear him cry for his "daddy" and ask to see him or say "daddy's mad at me" (i say no hes not he loves you)is heartbreaking to the point where ive been having thoughts of maybe i should just call him to set something up, but quickly erase the thought because thats not my job to tend to their relationship. This situation sucks & Im tired of seeing my son get upset about not seeing him which thne causes me to be upset for him.

transformyself

The only way I"ve been able to combat this with sanity is to be all and do all for my children. I can't rely on him, period. It has to be me and I take that role on happily because the other options are a living nightmare when I try to engage, on any level.

WorkInProgress8

I love being a mother & i know my X is inconsistent and unreliable. I do everything for my son and dont ask his father for anything- money,food, clothes, etc. Youd think the least he could do was put down the beer bottle and the blunt to check on his son or spend time with him here and there but nope! And whats even more frustratingly upsetting is that his actions or inactions if you will, are pushing me to the point where i want to cut him out of my sons life completely: whereas before i had decided for my sons sake that if he contaced me id allow them time together. Now i just cant stop thinking, "why, whats the point?" And before anybody starts up with"kids need both parents" blah blah blah chitter chatter, i know this and believe it as well but what kids also need is consistency and people in their lives who truly love and care about them and their well being. Too me, my X could careless whether our child is alive or not.

suki44883

I used to drive myself nuts trying to understand why my daughter's father didn't seem to want to spend time with her. After a while, I enjoyed that he was absent. I know your son is quite young, but my daughter never did really like her father and hated to go on visitation. It got to where we both dreaded it when he did keep his visitation schedule.

Pelican

I won't be telling you your son needs both his parents. I say he needs one sober, sane, adult that protects him, nutures him and loves him.

I think the term father implies responsibility, and doesn't really apply ~ I prefer the term sperm donor.

The active alcoholic is doing what active alcoholics do: focusing on his obsession/priority/god which is alcohol.

You are expecting fathering from an active addict and you have resentments from your unfulfilled expectations. Meanwhile, back at the bottle; he is completely unphased by the whole situation.

Do you have literature from your Alanon meetings yet? I was able to borrow some books from my home group prior to purchasing books. If you have a book or two, try doing some reading on resentments.

I found some helpful passages in Courage to Change about resentments.

SoaringSpirits

Sounds like he's a "father" as in sperm donor. But not a "Dad." Big difference.

It's not your job to make that happen, nor can you. Focus on being an awesome mom and giving your son a happy, stable life with one happy, stable parent. Let go of the fantasy that bio father will be a "dad." What a blessing that you don't have to wrangle over custody with a drunk and be forced to let your son suffer under his 'care!'

Tuffgirl

It's perfectly reasonable to have the expectations you have. They are normal expectations. However, your XABF is not normal, he's an alcoholic. Have you read "Under the Influence"? It's extremely helpful in understanding how this disease affects the brain. Maybe then you'd be able to come to terms with the fact that this guy's messed up in the head. The maybe it wouldn't feel so personal toward you and your child. Because its not.

Do you have other men in your life who can be a good influence on your son?

dollydo

He is a sperm donor not a father. He never will be. I know it hurts, however, you really don't need him, nor does your son, nothing positive for your son would come out of a relationship with his father.

WorkInProgress8

Suki-- i used to drive myself crazy with those thoughts too, but not as much anymore. It comes and goes like these past couple days where im just like jesus effin christ what a dirty selfish ******* he is to turn his back on this beautiful creature he HELPED create! But i agree that his abscence is also something i enjoy. For everyone who used the term sperm donor, i know that this term best fits my X. Pelican no i dont have any books from AlAnon yet just pamphlets they gave me & i am reading excerpts form Under the Influence but dont have the book. Also you were spot on with the fact that i DO have resentments because the parental expectations i have for my son are not being met by his sperm donor. I have been trying to push past the resentment but its a process as you all know so ill just have to try harder. Tuffgirl i come from a big family made up of mostly women. My father,wonderful man whom my son enjoys a lot, lives in AZ : / and my closest family members live 2 hours away. Like i said its a tough sucky situation but i remind myself of the facts everyday: my X is not a good father and may never be one because he is an A whose priority is NOT our son. Coming to grips with those facts is the hard part. I know i have the strength to do anything i put my mind to but when my son is staring at me with tears in his eyes asking for a person who will never be there, my walls crack little by little.

marie1960

" He wants to drink, party, have sex, do drugs,"

And how would this add value to your son's life ?

Perhaps you should be thankful you do not have to hand the child over for a weekend visit.

Perhaps he is doing the child a real favor by staying away. An innocent child does not deserve to be a part of his addiction.

We can't control how others think and act. You cannot make him be a responsible, loving, caring father.

At this point your son is so much better off without him. I am asking gently, but is this your way of trying to stay connected? Yes, the two of you made a beautiful baby, now what? He is not parent material, and I can understand how that would hurt you, as painful as it is, it's still better than raising your child in addiction.

WorkInProgress8

None of those activities would add value to my sons life and i would never hand my son over to him for visitation weekends, nights holidays etc even if President Barack Obama himself told me i had to because like you said
"An innocent child does not deserve to be a part of his addiction." I agree wholeheartedly.
Refer back to some of my older posts and youll see that when they have had visitations, its been at the park while i sit and watch.

"We can't control how others think and act. You cannot make him be a responsible, loving, caring father." I know this. I have completed step 1 and have admitted that i am powerless over alcohol and cannot change his thoughts,actions, behaviors,morals, sleeping patterns, way he brushes his teeth, clothes he wears, the way he does his laundry, the music he listens to, the food he eats, the way he walks, etc.

"I am asking gently, but is this your way of trying to stay connected?" If i wanted to wouldnt i have reached out to him already? The past couple months, since these thoughts have been in my head, ive asked myself the same thing you did and everytime the answer was NO. Trust me i was on the crazy train for 4 yrs and did some pretty stupid sh*t to stay connected but the days of driving past his house, calling/texting him a bajillions times, & making him feel guilty by throwing out the "parent card" are long gone. Everything you all have said is legit because i know what my X is- an Alcoholic; and i know what he isnt- parent material. Im just tired of wiping tears from my sons face then wiping them from mine because of this situation.

WorkInProgress8

When we first split months ago i made the decision to let them have visitation(when my X called to ask for it) specifically for my sons sake, because unfortunately, he does love the sperm donor so i just had to bite my tongue, sit to the side and watch them play in the park. But now as the time between each visitation call gets longer and longer im leaning towards just cutting him out completely. I dont want to hurt my son and i dont want him to resent me as he gets older, thinking i didnt want him to have a father, because thats not the case. i want him to have the father he deserves not 1 that pops in and out! I hate even having to think about these decisions and going back and forth with them in my head. Its time consuming and id rather be learning how to use my new crockpot.

choublak

Anyone can be a father, but it takes a man to be a dad.

lillamy

Change your expectations to match your reality.

Seriously.

And thank whatever HP you believe in that you don't have to hand your child over to him. I do. It's a special kind of hell, not knowing if there'll be food in the house or if he'll even be home. The kids know to call 911 if he tries to get them to go with him in the car or if he gets aggressive or violent.

You want a father for your child. As long as your X is an actively drinking alcoholic, he can never be that.

marie1960

You are not cutting him out of your son's life.

His lifestyle and choices are.

You have the most amazing opportunity, you are there to kiss your little boy's tears away. You are there to tell him everything is alright. you know he is loved, safe, and secure. That is all a child needs. Concentrate on the positive. Families come in many different forms nowdays. As long as love is in your home, your child shall thrive.

You get to raise him to be a strong, responsible, loving adult. You truly have been given a gift, simply embrace what you do have.

hugs to you and your little man.

Cyranoak

Where do I start. He's not a father and you aren't upset for your son. You are upset about the treatment of your son. Your son feels his own feelings and you feel yours. Good God.

Having sex and getting a woman pregnant does not make you a father. It makes you a procreator. Do you know what makes somebody a father? It's acting like a father for Christ's sake!

This is so incredibly offensive to those of us that are fathers, but are not procreators.

Cyranoak

WorkInProgress8

youre absolutely correct Cy

Milly39

When my AH left in November...I listened while he cried about "how he would miss the boys....and he would see them everyday if I let him" - ya no problemo
He agreed to mind the boys when I was working the full day and outside of that, he hardly saw them at all. Fast forward to 1 month ago...he brought them to a bar after school and now I cannot rely on him to do anything for them anymore. My cousin minds the boys now when I work and guess what....he sees the boys when it suits him...usually for about 20mins at the weekend. Champion Father right?
Like everyone has said - you cannot rely on him for anything...he cannot see past his own selfish needs....lower your expectations.
I too tore my hair out at the reasons why he couldn't spend time with his own flesh and blood...and you know, they just CANT. It is.. what it is. and you have got to let it go as hard as it is...

Learn2Live

Alcoholics make horrible parents.

FireSprite

At one point when AH was very, very early in his recovery, our daughter came to me & asked me to confirm that *I* would *always* be the parent that she would stay with if we got divorced. I assured her of this, absolutely, & wondered what brought her to ask such a question. (She was barely 7 yrs, this seemed pretty profound to me.)

She said that while she loved her Daddy so very much (she really does, she adored him then & now), she didn't trust that he was capable of making decisions in her best interests. She said that he definitely overindulged her with sweets & treats & didn't hold her to responsibilities. She said it made her feel ungrounded because it was his regular behavior & not just a "sometimes" indulgence. She said that it went against the grain of the lessons she was being taught in her own life & it didn't make sense to her sometimes.

I hugged her so tightly because she had unknowingly shown me the depth of her trust & understanding. In that moment I knew that any & all sacrifices I had made to protect her were not sacrifices at all, but building blocks in the lifetime of our relationship. Even though my world was crumbling, she somehow STILL viewed me as her anchor & trusted that I would always be there for her.

Ironically, just this last weekend I made sno cones for her & her friend with the new little machine she got for her bday recently. AH had made them for her the 1st time & she wasn't impressed. When I made them she loved them & I remarked that maybe Dad was trying to show some control because he really didn't use enough of the syrup/flavoring. (I could tell by the amt still left in the bottle, lol)

She said, "Oh, yeah... that's exactly what it is. I think Daddy is growing up. He's ACTUALLY parenting now."

I love this kid!!!!!